Katchie

I am taking in all that is being said. I feel split into. My kids are split. he will not come here to stay tonight. I will say no to that thought, actually, I already told him that but if he tries again I will tell him no again.

I didn't like that he came home late morning unannounced today. I had just showered and dressed when the dogs started barking like crazy. I went to the front door and about the time I was looking out to see what the dogs were yapping at I hear the garage door open. I can see his car in the driveway and then hear him try to come in thru. the utility room door. That was locked too so he came back to the front door and rang the bell. And no, he doesn't have a key to the front door -- that wasn't even on purpose. So I opened it and he says, "sorry, I just have to get my phone charger." and gets it and leaves.

That whole thing really bothered me. I told him not to come here until he calls me and I can hear that he is not slurring his words. I'm sure he thinks that its harmless but I didn't like it.

Therapy was a bummer. She isn't telling me what to do but is suggesting I stick with my gut. I will try to do that.

pinkpeony

I am 100% convinced (I just have to find a way to put it into action myself) that if a marriage/relationship is to survive alcoholism/substance abuse and codependency, that the two people involved MUST have significant time apart working on their own issues/programs and be far enough along in their own healing before even thinking about getting back together.

Otherwise it is way too easy to slip back into old behaviors and habits.

I'm speaking from 20 years in a marriage with an AH who has been both active and non active with his drinking and substance abuse (pot and occasionally things like 'shrooms at music festivals) but always HIGHLY functioning (I have no idea how he continues to function, as he's 46yo and has been active since he was 14yo)

I've been to all the meetings, read all the books, been to therapy.
I've also been a psychiatric nurse for years.

Still, here I am again. It's a vicious cycle.

Jane11

Hi Katchie, I don't know your full story as I am relatively new here but I have read many of your recent threads and am sorry for your hurt and confusion.

My situation is different as no kids involved etc, no shared home but I can draw similarities in the way of him disappearing for days and then just expecting to want to come back/me go to him and it all suddenly be ok again (maybe with some sob story or sweet promises on his part). Yet long term nothing ever changed just the same old cycle.

I let it happen again and again and again and again (and then some) but at least for now I have said no- ENOUGH. It is harder than anyone can imagine to change the cycle and of course with added pressures of shared home and children even harder I imagine but ultimately if nothing changes, nothing changes.

I am still in contact with mine but have made it clear that I no longer wish to partake in the same cycle, and to me from what he says and does he doesn't seem like he wishes to partake in a serious recovery. So although I know I have to be in charge of myself and my own choices I feel he has inadvertadly made the choice for me- no dedication to recovery and no change = no thank you.

One thing I did notice from your last post is that he just turned up to the house despite you setting clear boundaries and giving instruction and basically did his own thing- story of their life huh? It may seem like a small thing that he just turned up and got his phone charger but to me that's just a complete slap in the face to you and the perfectly understandable procedure you asked him to follow given the circumstances. He can't even follow and respect that simple request- can he follow through on anything else?

Wishing you the best in whatever you decide to do x

lillamy

That was exactly what I saw, too. No respect. On the contrary, he does what he wants to show you he has no respect.

I'm glad he won't be staying there tonight. Give you some more time to think.

Carlotta

Actions speak louder than words. He just showed you what he thinks of your boundaries.
Of course he does, he knows that you have always taken him back in the past and that you will probably take him back again.

Nothing has changed with him so if he comes back you can expect exactly the same thing.
Nothing changes if nothing changes

dandylion

Katchie....while I understand the conflict between the two of you....I am wondering you making the "rules" about when he is or isn't allowed in the house.
I mean....doesn't he have as much ownership of the house as you? Doesn't he have his name on the mortgage and make at least have of the financial payments and upkeep?

I understand the ability of the two of you to make mutually voluntary agreement that either may (or my not) honor. But, legally, it looks to me like that would be a different story.

Is it fair to be angry with him if he comes to his own home?

I'm just asking the question...because I can't help but notice that fact....

dandylion

ShootingStar1

There is another option to letting him come home because he promises to do better. You can tell him he can come home when he DEMONSTRATES sobriety of 6 months to a year, including no alcohol or other substance, and working a regular program.

That way the ball is in HIS court to change his behavior, not your court to monitor his behavior to see if it complies with your boundaries.

Dandylion, a lot of separating couples have legal agreements as to who gets possession of the house during the separation/divorce period, and most often, I believe, courts award it to the parent who is raising the children. That issue needs some legal guidance, so seeing a lawyer ASAP for a consultation is important.

ShootingStar1

dandylion

Yes, ShootingStar, I understand that--- but, as I understand it...there is none in this case. That is one reason that I mention it, also.
dandylion

Katchie

dandy, he made the rules when he left. This is twice in one year. Of course, he is saying he just needed time to sort thru and begin his detox -- stupid man, I told him not to go on a water fast and how dangerous all that was!!! But, as usual, no listen to me.
So, because he left, I told him not to come home if he drank. Dont go to family functions, ie ball games, regattas, if you drink and embarrass your kids anymore. If you can't do that, only come home to get your things and find another place to stay. That's how that come about. I know this is a temporary situation legally. I hope to sort some things out this evening after the boys eat.

Katchie

No, promises don't work for me. I know we need separation for a while. I hope I can muster the guts to say it out of my mouth this evening. I worry about protection personally from accidents due to his drinking and driving.

dandylion

Oh, I did not know that you had a legalized separation.

dandylion

Katchie

Dandy, no, we don't have anything legal, at least not yet. I'm wrestling with it.

I'm saying he made the decision to not be here when he just didn't come home. He's the one who left.

dandylion

Gottcha....

dandylion

Katchie

I've spoken to all of my kids to ready them for what theyre dad may say and that they don't need to feel guilty and the moment they feel guilt they need to just block that feeling cause its not real. 2 of the 4 said they don't really want to hear anything he has to say and they want to the talk in a group not individually -- I don't blame them.

Mango blast

Katchie, do you have a licensed addictions counselor who can help your family with meeting together? Perhaps in neutral territory?

Katchie

No. I just have my own therapist.

Mango blast

It's so good to hear that meeting with him went so well. Yes, actions, not words. Enjoy each and every blessing of the day. I've started to find them in many unexpected ways.