Katchie

Maybe I am too. I've been in my room all evening after our exchange earlier. Here it is 11:10 and he walks in and grabs his gym bag and hums something while in the closet. Comes in a few minutes later to get his phone and a change of clothes and walks out w/o saying one word. Did he leave? I don't know and I'm not sure I really care. But I'll be happy if he doesn't sleep in my bed.

amy55

Hey Katchie, I just gotta say "wow". So now he is trying to play the narisstic act. Like you dont exist and you dont matter. It's all games. Just go to sleep if possible in another room. He is playing games with your head.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Katchie

Do they do this consciously? I just wonder. I'm not sure he actually left or not.

amy55

I've been through hell and back and yes, I do think they do this consciously. They want you to chase them or fight with them, so that it is your fault. They need and want a reaction from you, best reaction, is none at all.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy

amy55

Katchie, this is a pure manipulative tactic. He knows he is drinking, and he knows that you know he is drinking. So, he is playing his game with you to see if you will still take him back. He is betting that you will. After all, didn't he just bribe the whole family? Who goes out at 11 pm to go to a gym, while he completely ignores you. You are getting the Silent Treatment. Hate to be this blunt, but you've been around this block.

((((((((((((((hugs again)))))))))))))))
amy

Missus

Definitely a conscious act - he is hoping you come rushing out to throw yourself at his feet and plead with him not to leave. And why do they hum when they do it? The humming drives me nuts! It's never a real song, that I can work out anyway, just random humming.

Enjoy a good night's sleep instead

Missus

(Double post)

dandylion

Katchie....he is not operating with a "normal" sober mind. He is drinking..and, even when not officially intoxicated--he still has the distorted thinking and mind set of alcoholism.
You cannot compare your logic and thinking processes to his.
What looks like logical to you...probably looks like insanity to him. He has the alcoholic voice whispering in his ear 24/7. I can gurantee that that voice sounds louder than yours.
People also have issues that eat at them--aside or in addition to alcoholism. Don't forget that fact.
It isn't only alcoholic marriages that have problems.

He may have left for the night...I don't know. But, it is pretty hard to take your stuff for permanent absence in a gym bag....

dandylion

CodeJob

Hi Katchie,

So he left? What exactly was your boundary? Didn't he sort of honor it? Humming and irritating, but he departed.

Some of my first boundaries were a little ragged and delayed. When I realized my H had relapsed after his cold turkey attempt, he was verbally ranting at me in front of DS while I was watching the NCAA national championship game. I was SO ticked off as MY team was in it. Not JUST MY team, but my alma mater! Mr. A- Jerk was ruining my enjoyment at watching THE game.

I snapped at him that I knew he was drinking, the boundary was still he could not live here if he chose to drink and to Be quiet so I could watch the game. That Friday he left to 'give me a break since we weren't getting along.' I didn't actually change the locks until that Sunday so he couldn't come back! Which apparently might be illegal, but oh well.

So whatever works Katchie. It doesn't have to be neat. It can be more March Madness with upsets and Cinderella stories...

Prayers to you and yours today!

dandylion

Katchie.....Code job just left a link for dmcy124 on her thread ( by Floyd P Garrett).

This might help you, right now.

dandylion

Refiner

How dramatic of him. To first grab the gym bag just waiting for you to go "Wait! Hey! What are you doing?!" And you didn't bite. Then he has to try again... And come back in a SECOND time probably in an I'LL SHOW YOU manner to get a change of clothes and his phone *eye roll*

Wonder if he made it to his 7am prayer meeting?

Hawkeye13

How are you today Katchie?

Hammer

THANKS, Hawkeye!

I cruised on down the thread looking for a post that was not about Him, Him, Him, Him (put THAT to humming. )

Dandy hit a good point, but really I think *we* all sort of know by now, that *we* only get better when *we* put the focus and work on *us.*

I know that is hard -- especially when they are playing the "Look At Me" drama. Having to deal with that myself right now. Doing the Admit / Deny pages, and they are all only about all *her* chronic lying. 17 pages of lies. Just sad.

Katchie, here is where I am trying to go. *We* need to focus on *us* (and our program) for *US.* Like I say. I understand that is hard. And like the Alanon welcome says . . . .

"Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us."

[sample for anyone not familiar >>> http://www.alanonsantabarbara.info/M...n_Welcome.aspx ]

True dat.

But towards application. Here is how I have been doing it. Because I was also having a hard time with the Spiritual / Meditation about God and such (Step 11).

I replaced the Bad with Good [God]

Example:

=========

Hammer (Bad Stuff): *She* sure lies a lot.

Hammer (Go[o]d Stuff): God is very truthful, and would want the same for and by me.

==========

Hammer (Bad Stuff): *She* is telling lies to the kids, again.

Hammer (Go[o]d Stuff): The kids have been asking me to read them Bible Stories lately. Might as well give them some Go[o]d Stuff.

Katchie

Thanks for asking Hawkeye. I'm really tired. woke up with bouts of crying all thru the night but at least mingled with some sleep. repeating to myself what Ill say if/when I see him today -- you have to get your things and leave.
nothing else needs to be said. I'm drained. I've fought the fight on this one the best I could. He just isn't fighting to save himself or any shred of dignity he may have left in the eyes of his family. He's made his choice -- its Crown over his family. He had a whole year to decide. Thats a nice long bit to think about it and work to correct or not correct. So, he chose. Well, now its my turn to choose. I choose God, peace, sanity, family, security, love, and trust. He needs to get his things and find a place on his own.

FireSprite

He may be a coward, but YOU are not Katchie. It takes great courage to recognize the need to change and to put that plan into action. You've shown such tremendous growth, strength & courage here at SR over this last year..... I totally believe in you. Best of luck today, you are in my prayers!

Katchie

THank you for passing that along. A good, tho pathetic, read

MissFixit

Hi Katchie,

I think you are really brave.

HealingWillCome

And there it is. Praying for you, Katchie. Sending love and strength your way.

LemonGirl

I am grateful for you sharing all of this. It helps me make sense of why my soon-to-be Exabf is acting the way be is. Be tried to shoot me some derrogatory text in order to push me away because he knows we are ending. He is also keeping our contact to a minimum and I get the feeling it is so I will chase him. Or maybe be just doesn't know wheat to say?? Idk.... either way, part of what is wrong in these relationships is that all of out natural instincts to love and forgive are being used out of context. Love and forgiveness only work if both people are working at it; that's true of any relationship.

CodeJob

Hope things are going OK Katchie!