Christmas guilt--- OT
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Christmas guilt--- OT
I didn't send out Christmas cards... again
We just got a tree on Sunday, and haven't finished shopping yet.
Two months ago I was thinking of fun Christmas crafts to do with the boys (ages 1 and 3) and I wanted to bake cookies. We haven't done those things.
I had thoughtful gifts in mind for my parents and my in-laws. But instead I ended up getting the same gifts I always get for them last night from the one store that was still open in my small town at 6pm.
Three years ago in December I had a newborn baby, so that was my excuse.
And last year and the year before, I was dealing with AH's antics and abuse, plus the babies, so I let it go then too.
This year, AH is not causing any drama. Things feel calm and "normal" but I still feel like I suck at Christmas, and can't blame it on AH this year. In fact, I think this year I have done even less than in past years.
I tell myself it's okay... I have two highly energetic little boys, and I work full time. Plus I had to organize and put on a birthday party two weekends ago for my oldest...It's okay.
But then I see other mothers with little children who also work full time... and somehow they were able to bake, and get Christmas cards out, plus get a really nice gift for the baby sitter... What's wrong with me?
Just venting... I know all this won't matter to my boys. They are having a great Christmas already. They have seen Santa twice, watched our town's light parade, and got to help pick out, cut down, and decorate the tree. They're fine... but I can't help feeling guilty and incompetent.
Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!!
We just got a tree on Sunday, and haven't finished shopping yet.
Two months ago I was thinking of fun Christmas crafts to do with the boys (ages 1 and 3) and I wanted to bake cookies. We haven't done those things.
I had thoughtful gifts in mind for my parents and my in-laws. But instead I ended up getting the same gifts I always get for them last night from the one store that was still open in my small town at 6pm.
Three years ago in December I had a newborn baby, so that was my excuse.
And last year and the year before, I was dealing with AH's antics and abuse, plus the babies, so I let it go then too.
This year, AH is not causing any drama. Things feel calm and "normal" but I still feel like I suck at Christmas, and can't blame it on AH this year. In fact, I think this year I have done even less than in past years.
I tell myself it's okay... I have two highly energetic little boys, and I work full time. Plus I had to organize and put on a birthday party two weekends ago for my oldest...It's okay.
But then I see other mothers with little children who also work full time... and somehow they were able to bake, and get Christmas cards out, plus get a really nice gift for the baby sitter... What's wrong with me?
Just venting... I know all this won't matter to my boys. They are having a great Christmas already. They have seen Santa twice, watched our town's light parade, and got to help pick out, cut down, and decorate the tree. They're fine... but I can't help feeling guilty and incompetent.
Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys....try to remember that Christmas should not be about some contest to see which mother "does it the best".
It is not some yardstick with which to measure "accomplishments".
Oh, sure, there are overachievers who can humble some with their perfect-looking lives.
But, I had to learn not to judge my insides by other people's outsides.
Who knows what crap could really be going on in their lives--behind closed doors where others can see?
It sounds to me like you have done one H*** of a job, already under your circumstances. So, pat yourself o n the shoulder!
If you ask people what they got for Christmas the past year---most of them can't even tell you!!!!!!!!!
Your boys are happy!
Peace and love...
dandylion
It is not some yardstick with which to measure "accomplishments".
Oh, sure, there are overachievers who can humble some with their perfect-looking lives.
But, I had to learn not to judge my insides by other people's outsides.
Who knows what crap could really be going on in their lives--behind closed doors where others can see?
It sounds to me like you have done one H*** of a job, already under your circumstances. So, pat yourself o n the shoulder!
If you ask people what they got for Christmas the past year---most of them can't even tell you!!!!!!!!!
Your boys are happy!
Peace and love...
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.
I spent many years being jealous of a friend who had the "perfect" life. Well -- until the facade unraveled and she was diagnosed with an eating disorder and revealed that her husband was an abusive A and one of her kids had tried to commit suicide and another had run away and started using drugs.
Holidays are hard because we want more than ever to have "normal" -- but I think it's important to remember that normal is really just a setting on your dryer. Everyone has their share of problems. I've found that working hard at being grateful for what I have makes me a lot happier than beating myself up over everything I haven't done (no cookies at my house either; the bakery makes them JUST fine...
)
I spent many years being jealous of a friend who had the "perfect" life. Well -- until the facade unraveled and she was diagnosed with an eating disorder and revealed that her husband was an abusive A and one of her kids had tried to commit suicide and another had run away and started using drugs.
Holidays are hard because we want more than ever to have "normal" -- but I think it's important to remember that normal is really just a setting on your dryer. Everyone has their share of problems. I've found that working hard at being grateful for what I have makes me a lot happier than beating myself up over everything I haven't done (no cookies at my house either; the bakery makes them JUST fine...
)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Kboys- you need to cut yourself some slack. You are very hard on yourself.
Lower your expectations for the holidays so you can have an awesome time with your kids. One and Three is a great age to enjoy Christmas. Watch their faces, enjoy the excitement with them and enjoy the moment!!
Merry Christmas!!
Lower your expectations for the holidays so you can have an awesome time with your kids. One and Three is a great age to enjoy Christmas. Watch their faces, enjoy the excitement with them and enjoy the moment!!
Merry Christmas!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I have never sent Christmas cards. When someone sends them to me the go straight in the trash. I'm not trying to be ungrateful -- I just can't manage more paper!
Buy some cookies, watch Elf, and unwrap those presents. Maybe Santa can make a giant toy dump on Christmas morning WITHOUT wrapping his presents. Santa is big on time management like that.
Buy some cookies, watch Elf, and unwrap those presents. Maybe Santa can make a giant toy dump on Christmas morning WITHOUT wrapping his presents. Santa is big on time management like that.
torquemax777
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
Kboys, I can totally relate except that my girls are 18-21. I can't find a job in this tiny town so I have all day everyday to do crafts/cards and should have (@ least card-I'm not too crafty.) For the last few years, I always give my girls $100 each (3 daughters) and some "stocking stuffers" this year I could only afford $50 each and a coffee cup (sort of a recent years tradition) with some candy. I did get a "little" crafty and made these chinsey basket/bowls where you blow up a balloon and soak yarn in mod/lodge or glue and drape them over the balloon randomly then pop the balloon after a few hours and wala! You have a bowl. Screwed the first ones up though, cussed under my breath and did a momentary pity party; "see! This is why I don't do crafts! Can't even do a kindergarten project! Can't give my girls a good Christmas! See what being married to an AH did?!?! Should have left a long time ago...." Then I made them again with guess whose help? AH!
But my ex husband (who may be a narcissist but is in no way an alcoholic) is taking my girls and all their boyfriends on a Mexico cruise! I don't even get to see them much since ex slapped a permanent restraining order on AH... SIGH!
Please don't think I'm trying to "one up" you and say I have it worse in any way; I just want you to know I feel for ya!
Oh, and PS; thank you for the post so very much! Was wondering if I was the only one feeling loser-"ish" this holiday season. My girls all say, " it's OK mom! Gifts aren't what Christmas is supposed to be about.... " and while that SHOULD make me feel better, it almost makes it even worse! Another SIGH!
But my ex husband (who may be a narcissist but is in no way an alcoholic) is taking my girls and all their boyfriends on a Mexico cruise! I don't even get to see them much since ex slapped a permanent restraining order on AH... SIGH!
Please don't think I'm trying to "one up" you and say I have it worse in any way; I just want you to know I feel for ya!
Oh, and PS; thank you for the post so very much! Was wondering if I was the only one feeling loser-"ish" this holiday season. My girls all say, " it's OK mom! Gifts aren't what Christmas is supposed to be about.... " and while that SHOULD make me feel better, it almost makes it even worse! Another SIGH!
Last edited by torquemax777; 12-23-2014 at 10:44 AM. Reason: additional PS thought
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I get caught up in this too if I am not careful. My DD's Bday is in November and mine in December, so those things slow me down too. Mine is no big deal to me, but my mom and sister make a HUGE deal about it. This year we had a lovely weekend out of town. I digress...
I have come to realize those other moms, they are running on pure adrenaline. I am betting they are tired, and miserable. If they are not, more power to them. I figure my kids are happy doing what we do, and are much happier having a calm and rested mom than the big B I would be if I went and did everything I would like to. I work and raise two girls. I do what I can, and that is enough.
You are doing enough too. Just enjoy the times you do have and don't stress over it!
I have come to realize those other moms, they are running on pure adrenaline. I am betting they are tired, and miserable. If they are not, more power to them. I figure my kids are happy doing what we do, and are much happier having a calm and rested mom than the big B I would be if I went and did everything I would like to. I work and raise two girls. I do what I can, and that is enough.
You are doing enough too. Just enjoy the times you do have and don't stress over it!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
DS is 10. He's awesome and is still so filled with wonder of the holiday, that's it just a joy to sit and watch him... when I give myself time and permission to do that.
This is the first year since I was in school that I'll get time off around the holidays. This office closes from 12/24 through 1/2. Which is great. Oh, except that I just started and so have NO leave time saved up, which means a week of no pay. Which stinks. And I get stuck on worrying about the last part, while DS is ecstatic that I'll have time off to spend with him.
We decided to make a gingerbread house and not from a kit. I've never made one, and we figured it'd be fun. We did the geometry behind the size of pieces we'd need for the walls, roof, an entryway, etc. Well, I found myself slipping back into the mentality behind why I left my old job: work on at least 20 projects all at once, get them all done, get it all perfect, do it all fast. NONE of that is what DS wanted; he just wanted to hang with Mom and make something. ONE something btw, not the all other projects I 'needed' to get done.
The disconnect, of course, resulted in DS getting upset with me (rightly so), which I responded to by getting a bit snarky (not at all right), and both of us walking away from the table. So because of me, the gingerbread pieces are sitting waiting for us to finish tomorrow; and I've been beating myself up because I don't want that to be the memories DS has of Christmas.
So, I can completely commiserate. That was definitely not my idea of a perfect Holiday evening, which is what I wanted to give DS. And while I find it fairly easy to tell you to stop being so rough on yourself, I find it incredibly hard to tell myself the same.
So, I'm giving myself permission to do only ONE thing tomorrow. OK. I'm really TELLING myself to do ONLY one thing. And I'm telling myself to ignore that little voice that pops up saying, "But we need to do x, y, z."
This is the first year since I was in school that I'll get time off around the holidays. This office closes from 12/24 through 1/2. Which is great. Oh, except that I just started and so have NO leave time saved up, which means a week of no pay. Which stinks. And I get stuck on worrying about the last part, while DS is ecstatic that I'll have time off to spend with him.
We decided to make a gingerbread house and not from a kit. I've never made one, and we figured it'd be fun. We did the geometry behind the size of pieces we'd need for the walls, roof, an entryway, etc. Well, I found myself slipping back into the mentality behind why I left my old job: work on at least 20 projects all at once, get them all done, get it all perfect, do it all fast. NONE of that is what DS wanted; he just wanted to hang with Mom and make something. ONE something btw, not the all other projects I 'needed' to get done.
The disconnect, of course, resulted in DS getting upset with me (rightly so), which I responded to by getting a bit snarky (not at all right), and both of us walking away from the table. So because of me, the gingerbread pieces are sitting waiting for us to finish tomorrow; and I've been beating myself up because I don't want that to be the memories DS has of Christmas.
So, I can completely commiserate. That was definitely not my idea of a perfect Holiday evening, which is what I wanted to give DS. And while I find it fairly easy to tell you to stop being so rough on yourself, I find it incredibly hard to tell myself the same.
So, I'm giving myself permission to do only ONE thing tomorrow. OK. I'm really TELLING myself to do ONLY one thing. And I'm telling myself to ignore that little voice that pops up saying, "But we need to do x, y, z."
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I told my DD22 yesterday on her drive home that I was going to have a GREAT Christmas. Not bxtching about missing my XAH. No complaining.
Just eat, drink, play games and have a great time. That is truly what I want for Christmas, is an awesome 24 hours with my kids!!
Just eat, drink, play games and have a great time. That is truly what I want for Christmas, is an awesome 24 hours with my kids!!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
Be easier on yourself. Taking outside appearances and extrapolating them to what may be happening behind closed doors is often inaccurate.
What's really important is that you and your children will be spending the time together and while all kids enjoy the "toy" aspect of the holiday, as the parent of 22 and 19 year olds I can say with surety that they've come to appreciate the family traditions we've created. Of course, even though they are long past the point of believing in Santa, there will be presents under the tree for them, but they get "it." And so will yours when they get older.
Cherish the time with the yungins and focus on what really matters.
Wishing you and your family a happy and healthy holiday season.
What's really important is that you and your children will be spending the time together and while all kids enjoy the "toy" aspect of the holiday, as the parent of 22 and 19 year olds I can say with surety that they've come to appreciate the family traditions we've created. Of course, even though they are long past the point of believing in Santa, there will be presents under the tree for them, but they get "it." And so will yours when they get older.
Cherish the time with the yungins and focus on what really matters.
Wishing you and your family a happy and healthy holiday season.
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And I really can relate. I used to be a perfectionist -- if I didn't bake all the cookies and make all the traditional Christmas foods and deep-cleaned the entire house and ironed and put up Christmas curtains, I was convinced the world would end. I think for me, it was a way of controlling something because life with an A meant I wasn't in control of the basic things: When I got to sleep, eat, etc.
Lowering my standards has been very healing to me. It's made it possible for me to figure out what really matters to me about Christmas (and other holidays).
Lowering my standards has been very healing to me. It's made it possible for me to figure out what really matters to me about Christmas (and other holidays).
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Originally Posted by Kboys 
I have two highly energetic little boys, and I work full time.
I go through the same motions every Christmas. I buy cards. Or I dig out the ones I bought the prior year that I never got around to writing. Or I open up the envelopes of the ones I wrote but never sent to see if the sentiment still applies and doesn't say, "Hope to see you in 2010!" so that I could maybe actually send them that year. I never do. Then I say, well, I'll write the cards during the week between Christmas and New Year's because that's technically still the holiday season. I never do that either.
This year I'm thinking I'll send thank you cards to the people who sent me cards and who never got a card from me. But I probably won't.
I'm feeling less and less guilty about things I don't do on Christmas. You said it--your boys are having a wonderful Christmas--so let a little rub off on you and enjoy! Forget the darned cards. Forget timelines! Have a great holiday!
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 21
If it makes you feel any better I am the mother of a 3 year old with an AH. The only reason my cards are out and the decorating is done and all the shopping done is because I am up at all hours of the night because my AH has passed out and is snoring and talking and taking up the whole bed.
Between that and the stress of being with him I don't sleep. Personally I would rather sleep than have sent out cards!!
Don't beat yourself up. Kids won't remember if you sent cards or what years you may cookies. All they will remember is the love from their mom and Santa.
Between that and the stress of being with him I don't sleep. Personally I would rather sleep than have sent out cards!!
Don't beat yourself up. Kids won't remember if you sent cards or what years you may cookies. All they will remember is the love from their mom and Santa.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thanks everybody, for the sympathy and the words of wisdom.
I'm off work in 18 minutes (not that I'm counting) until Monday. Can't wait to spend time with my boys. Though I still have a huge list of things I would like to do before Christmas, I know they are not going to get done... and I'm going to let myself be okay with that. I have told myself the only thing I will do tomorrow, that my three year old is looking forward to, is make gingerbread cookies. It will be a huge mess... they will probably eat most of the dough before we bake the cookies, and the cookies that make it will not be pretty.... but that's okay. It will be fun
I hope everyone has a blessed holiday!!!!!!!!!!
I'm off work in 18 minutes (not that I'm counting) until Monday. Can't wait to spend time with my boys. Though I still have a huge list of things I would like to do before Christmas, I know they are not going to get done... and I'm going to let myself be okay with that. I have told myself the only thing I will do tomorrow, that my three year old is looking forward to, is make gingerbread cookies. It will be a huge mess... they will probably eat most of the dough before we bake the cookies, and the cookies that make it will not be pretty.... but that's okay. It will be fun
I hope everyone has a blessed holiday!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Kboys, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't mail one Christmas card this year..I still have to shop for my grandsons and wrap...I didn't bake..I did put my little Charlie Brown tree up but the top lights went out..I'm not very good at Christmas either but I'm trying not to stress about it too much. I think Christmas comes with too many expectations sometimes. Sounds like your boys are enjoying the season so just breathe and have a Merry Christmas!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Kboys - I'm almost 8 years into recovery for both addiction and codependency. I got home, after driving through traffic and rain, only to realize I have bought NO cards for the people I dearly love.
I refuse to go back out in this mess. I am going to write letters to my loved ones, and that is the best I can do. Money is tight, and my loved ones know that.
Years ago, my niece, who I helped raise and is more like a little sister to me, gave me a handwritten card. To this day, it is the MOST precious gift I've ever received!!
Give yourself a break, do the best you can do and don't underestimate the joy that giving of yourself is a true treasure.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I refuse to go back out in this mess. I am going to write letters to my loved ones, and that is the best I can do. Money is tight, and my loved ones know that.
Years ago, my niece, who I helped raise and is more like a little sister to me, gave me a handwritten card. To this day, it is the MOST precious gift I've ever received!!
Give yourself a break, do the best you can do and don't underestimate the joy that giving of yourself is a true treasure.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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Go easy on yourself...those other mothers are probably looking at you thinking "WOW, I dont know how she does it all...she even put on a party right before Xmas...I wish I could be more like her"!!
I can be a bit like you - I expect so much out of myself - and it is my challenge to myself in 2015 to expect less, and enjoy the moment more! Your gingermen mess sounds exactly the ticket - I'm off work now and am going to try that with my kids too!
I can be a bit like you - I expect so much out of myself - and it is my challenge to myself in 2015 to expect less, and enjoy the moment more! Your gingermen mess sounds exactly the ticket - I'm off work now and am going to try that with my kids too!
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