Oldtimers: How did/do you get through the holidays?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oldtimers: How did/do you get through the holidays?
I'm asking because I know that the period November-December was pretty hellish for me back when I was married to AXH. More days off = more drinking, and family events = more excuses to drink.
His family didn't drink at all, so the actual family events weren't drunken events, and he would stay sober for them. But he would be itching to get home asap to start drinking -- so quite often, by noon on Christmas, he would be slurring his words and pass out in front of the TV.
One thing I did was to pretty much fix a schedule for me and the kids, so that we would have things planned and fun to do regardless of what shape AXH was in. We would do things like -- drive around and look at Christmas lights, go to free concerts in churches, go skating, go to the cheap movie theater and see second-run movies. It worked because AXH basically didn't miss us as long as he could drink in peace, and it gave me an opportunity to get out and away from having to listen to his rants about how aunt-so-and-so was judgmental and analyses of what uncle-so-and-so really meant when he said [x,y,z].
I couldn't completely get away from the drinking and the abusiveness, but getting the kids out of the house helped a bit.
What did/do you guys do to make things more bearable?
His family didn't drink at all, so the actual family events weren't drunken events, and he would stay sober for them. But he would be itching to get home asap to start drinking -- so quite often, by noon on Christmas, he would be slurring his words and pass out in front of the TV.
One thing I did was to pretty much fix a schedule for me and the kids, so that we would have things planned and fun to do regardless of what shape AXH was in. We would do things like -- drive around and look at Christmas lights, go to free concerts in churches, go skating, go to the cheap movie theater and see second-run movies. It worked because AXH basically didn't miss us as long as he could drink in peace, and it gave me an opportunity to get out and away from having to listen to his rants about how aunt-so-and-so was judgmental and analyses of what uncle-so-and-so really meant when he said [x,y,z].
I couldn't completely get away from the drinking and the abusiveness, but getting the kids out of the house helped a bit.
What did/do you guys do to make things more bearable?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Have an alternate way to get home if I wanted to leave a gathering or event early because my ex was obnoxiously drunk.
I got trapped with him at his aunt's Christmas dinner party one year because he insisted we all had to ride over there with his brother in one car. By the time we did leave he was stinking drunk and I was mortified. He kept bringing out glasses of wine "for me" and guzzling them when I told him I didn't want any. In between this he was chugging beers in their garage and had of course also "pregamed" at our house.
Then his idiot brother took his advice about a "shortcut" home which took us 45 minutes longer than the way I tried telling him to go.
Been a awhile since I had to worry about that kind of crap. This will be my second Christmas without him. The gift of peace is priceless.
I got trapped with him at his aunt's Christmas dinner party one year because he insisted we all had to ride over there with his brother in one car. By the time we did leave he was stinking drunk and I was mortified. He kept bringing out glasses of wine "for me" and guzzling them when I told him I didn't want any. In between this he was chugging beers in their garage and had of course also "pregamed" at our house.
Then his idiot brother took his advice about a "shortcut" home which took us 45 minutes longer than the way I tried telling him to go.
Been a awhile since I had to worry about that kind of crap. This will be my second Christmas without him. The gift of peace is priceless.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by lillamy 
...What did/do you guys do to make things more bearable?
Called _everybody_ on the phone lists and asked them how _they_ were feeling, then I let them tell me and I just listened. Called them back a couple days later and asked them if they wanted to meet for coffee.
Went to lots and lots of meetings.
Hung out on SR a _lot_.
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
This will be my first Christmas out of the house. I dragged DD with me to a friends Thanksgiving celebration this year, since holidays have been dicey the last few years and I didn't want her subjected to his morose attitude. Can't keep her away at Christmas, though, as she wants to spend Christmas day with him. I will be driving my friend to the airport and then I may just have dinner with friends.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am thinking of getting a sign made that I can post in the yard of which ever sister's house I am visiting that says " dysfunction junction". I am so tired of pretending for a day that we all get along and everything is Norman Rockwell.
I just keep reminding myself this is the last year I am doing it.
I just keep reminding myself this is the last year I am doing it.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,253
My husband and I enjoy the holidays
by ourselves. We both are at a place
in our lives where we perfer serenity,
peace of mind, no stress, doing our
own thing.
We've been thru the Christmas pageantry,
holiday madness, kids, family, shopping,
decorating, parties etc in our lifetime and
now its just the 2 of us.
We are painting in our home and tending
to our outside garden of paradise, riding
our Harley, looking forward to a new tattoo,
chillin and enjoying life in recovery.
Today we are experiencing the FREEDOM
that is talked about in recovery that we've
heard about from so many elders thru the yrs.
Good topic lillamy..!!!!
by ourselves. We both are at a place
in our lives where we perfer serenity,
peace of mind, no stress, doing our
own thing.
We've been thru the Christmas pageantry,
holiday madness, kids, family, shopping,
decorating, parties etc in our lifetime and
now its just the 2 of us.
We are painting in our home and tending
to our outside garden of paradise, riding
our Harley, looking forward to a new tattoo,
chillin and enjoying life in recovery.
Today we are experiencing the FREEDOM
that is talked about in recovery that we've
heard about from so many elders thru the yrs.
Good topic lillamy..!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
With my XAH it was awful. Flipping back and forth between two family houses and the huge pageant of presents that I was somehow always left out of (at both houses!). Truthfully, I was my XAH's drinking buddy for a long time, so before the revelation that he was an alcoholic, we just drank. Once it was obvious he had a problem, and he was purportedly making an effort to be sober, everyone was afraid to drink around him and walked on eggshells -- like he was a powder keg or something, which, alcoholism aside, was just not his personality -- so we all sat around awkwardly trying to "party" and pretend we were all a happy family without the intimacy and openness and camraderie required to be so.
Holidays have always been fraught for me. My family has a habit of overlooking me and not inviting me on their plans, despite me being in town and wanting to join the revelry. XAH's family has a present orgy every year -- between five people they spend thousands and thousands of dollars. I'd watch them unwrap insane presents and walk away with some cheap earrings and drugstore lotion. It was nuts. At my family's exchange, I'd usually watch everyone else unwrap presents, not getting anything. Pretty demoralizing. Over time I have pulled away from the madness and participate on my own terms. I make a point of REALLY spoiling the kids, cooking and baking a ton, watching the silly movies (last night, "Charlie Brown's Christmas"), and praticing detachment from any expectations I might have about my family or about how the holidays *should* be. I no longer expect to receive a present from anyone -- or I give the kids money to go get me one. DS15 is surprisingly adept at picking out gifts for me! It's kind of hilarious how right he gets it. I no longer expect my family to call me, and I'm no longer disappointed when they don't. If I want to see my sisters when they're in town, I will invite them to do something independently, or I will drop by my parents for an hour or two and leave.
Last year I was single for the first time and didn't have the kids over Christmas. I was feeling pretty lonely. One of my friends, who was himself alone for Christmas, threw an "orphan party" where he opened up his house for two days and nights over Xmas eve and day. It was an EXCELLENT landing pad for a lot of us. We hung out and listened to music, painted, chatted, played games, and ate lots of food. It was a real bright spot in a dark winter.
Holidays have always been fraught for me. My family has a habit of overlooking me and not inviting me on their plans, despite me being in town and wanting to join the revelry. XAH's family has a present orgy every year -- between five people they spend thousands and thousands of dollars. I'd watch them unwrap insane presents and walk away with some cheap earrings and drugstore lotion. It was nuts. At my family's exchange, I'd usually watch everyone else unwrap presents, not getting anything. Pretty demoralizing. Over time I have pulled away from the madness and participate on my own terms. I make a point of REALLY spoiling the kids, cooking and baking a ton, watching the silly movies (last night, "Charlie Brown's Christmas"), and praticing detachment from any expectations I might have about my family or about how the holidays *should* be. I no longer expect to receive a present from anyone -- or I give the kids money to go get me one. DS15 is surprisingly adept at picking out gifts for me! It's kind of hilarious how right he gets it. I no longer expect my family to call me, and I'm no longer disappointed when they don't. If I want to see my sisters when they're in town, I will invite them to do something independently, or I will drop by my parents for an hour or two and leave.
Last year I was single for the first time and didn't have the kids over Christmas. I was feeling pretty lonely. One of my friends, who was himself alone for Christmas, threw an "orphan party" where he opened up his house for two days and nights over Xmas eve and day. It was an EXCELLENT landing pad for a lot of us. We hung out and listened to music, painted, chatted, played games, and ate lots of food. It was a real bright spot in a dark winter.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
This is my first holiday season without my mate. Would I rather spend it with him? yes.
However..................
We work with what we have, and I'm having a BALL!!!!
I'm building railroad models. I put up two Christmas trees. Was part of an Open House Sunday for ASPCA. I will play the organ at our church this season.
I have a wonderful life. Thanks be to God!
However..................
We work with what we have, and I'm having a BALL!!!!
I'm building railroad models. I put up two Christmas trees. Was part of an Open House Sunday for ASPCA. I will play the organ at our church this season.
I have a wonderful life. Thanks be to God!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2
Knowing the signs to look out for, irritability, just going for a large glass of wine, her behaviour is predictable, and I have rough idea how long it takes before she drinks herself to sleep.
So I just go out, sit on beach, have a coffee out, look round shops, spend day in next town, then 5 hours later come back go to a separate room, watch a bit of TV with headphones in to block out the music from downstairs if she's not passed out yet.
Essentially its contact avoidance, guess its like being with someone who has an infectious disease for 6 hours.
But its not all bad, on one of these avoidance trips I managed to find a flat to move to, so have moving out to look forward to and keep sane by...
So I just go out, sit on beach, have a coffee out, look round shops, spend day in next town, then 5 hours later come back go to a separate room, watch a bit of TV with headphones in to block out the music from downstairs if she's not passed out yet.
Essentially its contact avoidance, guess its like being with someone who has an infectious disease for 6 hours.
But its not all bad, on one of these avoidance trips I managed to find a flat to move to, so have moving out to look forward to and keep sane by...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I too made lots of plans with my kids. Went places, church events, light shows, the list goes on. I spent time away from home w/family doing baking, movies, etc. My birthday is in December also so that helped as far as having something to do as my mom is a big birthday person who insists on making it a big deal.
I will say my anxiety was terrible during the holidays. However, near the end, I did not let it ruin my time. At some point I sat back and thought, "whatever happens, happens, and I won't let this take over my life." That helped, a lot.
This year I am enjoying the holidays as I am free of him, Thank God!
I will say my anxiety was terrible during the holidays. However, near the end, I did not let it ruin my time. At some point I sat back and thought, "whatever happens, happens, and I won't let this take over my life." That helped, a lot.
This year I am enjoying the holidays as I am free of him, Thank God!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
you get to play the organ at church. that is just wow I mean that from the bottom of my Soul.. when I was little would sneak into church and lay under a bench no one knew I was there to listen to the organ play.. so this is for you and so many here..
from the little girl that knew she was so safe in church all by herself... ardy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...yUmyQQcWJI#t=6
I truly miss this so much....
from the little girl that knew she was so safe in church all by herself... ardy...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...yUmyQQcWJI#t=6
I truly miss this so much....
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