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Paranoia

Old 12-15-2014, 10:09 AM
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Paranoia

I used to get all wrapped up in AH's paranoia and sometimes I even believed some of it because he made such a great case against the government, the banks, his company, the insurance agencies who are trying to steal our money, etc. Now, I can sit back and do my best to NOT engage and NOT try to convince him he's crazy or wrong or delusional.

Currently, with him taking over the finances, he's having a freak out. He got in my face in front of our son last week about some new credit cards I had and tried to bait me and push my buttons to get me to 'explain' why I had paid so much towards these accounts.

He's freaking out and told me this AM that he goes to the bank every day. He can't figure out the online system for accessing the statements and when I tried to help him, he told me his computer search engine just doesn't work and doesn't communicate with the bank. Really?? Hmm, well, we have the same computer and same browser and I can access the account. I gave up helping. He wants to be dramatic and paranoid and insane and I want no part of it.

He seems to think that there's some special hidden place where we're leaking money and by going to the bank every day that he will find this special hidden place. No joke. I can't imagine what the tellers think every time he shows up!

Sigh....this is sad, and I'm trying to stay out of it. But, it's also scary because he's inspecting every penny I've spent over the last 6 months and we all know I've confessed I've been shopping a lot more than usual. The cards are mostly paid off except for the one at the bank and I'm reigning in my spending now that I'm done with Christmas shopping, etc.

And, what drives me crazy is that this is the man who, when I was freaking out over a $400 car repair, told me, "Hey, $400 or $4000, what's the difference?" "It's just money, Liz, you can't take it with you."

UGH.....no consistency with this man and now I'm doing my best to NOT join the freak out and stay the course and call my lawyer and organize my sh*t, etc. The best I can stay on top of the finances myself, the better off I will be. I watch every single account every day....until he got us locked out over the weekend because he freaked out over the password thing and messed it up for both of us.

Oh, this is so not fun. I am still planning on filing mid-January. I have a realtor coming over to see the house after the holidays to help me figure out what needs to be spruced up, fixed, organized, etc. I can't wait for this month to be over!
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Old 12-15-2014, 11:09 AM
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Liz,
Good for you for venting here. I know how your life is crazy living with him. You just need to stay calm and do what you are doing. Don't engage with his crazyness.

I just got a divorce, and sold my home. It is very stressful, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Stick to your path, stay strong and you can do what ever you need to do. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 12-15-2014, 11:51 AM
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Let it slide right off your back. He may moan and groan, go to the bank, whatever. Let him. Let him be mad, it really does not make a difference. I would let him quack away and go on about my business.

Tight hugs...
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Old 12-15-2014, 04:29 PM
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I have a feeling I may be doing a lot of venting soon, LOL!

You know what he has sitting on his desk for me to see (right next to the family printer)? A naughty list....OK, it's not titled that but it's a list of charges from MY things like audible.com, amazon purchases, Ann Taylor credit card, etc. None of his stuff is listed and he's made it all nice and neat for a spreadsheet. How nice of him to add that all up for me, ugh! Just infuriating at this point.
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Old 12-15-2014, 04:44 PM
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Detach!!
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Old 12-16-2014, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
Detach!!
We need a smiley that says, "STEP AWAY FROM THE ADDICT!"

Does that exist anywhere???
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Old 12-16-2014, 12:12 PM
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omg FLASHBACK..

So to relate to your fury feelings I'll share. When my A starting getting really out of control, I used to call his parents. I think they were worse to him than the police. That would be the only way I could get him to stop. This would be after an hour + of alcoholic rage torment etc.

They would come over and try to talk to him and he would provide his tale of woe and one of his go-to's was money.. lack of.. one night, he disappeared for a minute...he went and printed a summary report of what I spent at Dunkin Donuts.

He marched back into the conversation as if he had found the smoking freaking gun. Prouder than a peacock.

LOOK AT THIIIIISSSSSS....... DO YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOINGGGGGGGG

I just stood there. I mean are you kidding me? He was spending (CHARGING) $600 + a month on beer and cigarettes.

all you have is coffee???

Just thought I would share. Maybe you feel a little better or maybe you chuckled at the ducks a little...
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Old 12-16-2014, 12:47 PM
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That is total bull. Don't engage. A naughty list....really???!!!
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Old 12-16-2014, 01:01 PM
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Oh, this puts my stomach in the topsy turvey stage. I think there are some of us that completely understand.

It is now my theory, that this is done to make you feel as bad as they do when the light is shun on the drinking, or addictive behavior. "

"So what if I drink like a fish and scare everyone in the house: you spend money on , on, uh.... COFFEE, ya, that's it..."
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Old 12-16-2014, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by changeneeded View Post
Oh, this puts my stomach in the topsy turvey stage. I think there are some of us that completely understand.

It is now my theory, that this is done to make you feel as bad as they do when the light is shun on the drinking, or addictive behavior. "

"So what if I drink like a fish and scare everyone in the house: you spend money on , on, uh.... COFFEE, ya, that's it..."
Well, change coffee to clothes and there you have it, LOL. Ok, so I have a nice wardrobe but once we divorce there will be no more additions to that closet so I sort of stocked up on some nice business blouses, a few dresses, dress sandals, etc. I can wear them to church now but if I need to interview for a job, at least I'll be prepared. OH, and I did spend some money on nicer cosmetics, too, after years of only buying Almay at Walmart. I figured I could splurge after 20 years of marriage.
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Old 12-16-2014, 02:45 PM
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I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that level of paranoia, Liz. My ex wasn't paranoid about banks, but he was convinced that someone was out to kill him. He would say things like "there's a letter in my closet, under the box of photos -- if I turn up dead, give that to the police."

Um, OK.
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Old 12-16-2014, 03:00 PM
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So how much did he spend on booze at the country club?

I bet his "naughty list" is a helluva lot worse than yours

Just sayin'
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that level of paranoia, Liz. My ex wasn't paranoid about banks, but he was convinced that someone was out to kill him. He would say things like "there's a letter in my closet, under the box of photos -- if I turn up dead, give that to the police."

Um, OK.
Ugh. My ex used to say crazy crap like that all the time. And then continually disappoint me by not turning up dead.
He was also super whacko paranoid about anything involving money or bill paying unless it was a transaction that resulted in him obtaining alcohol. He was all weirded out about setting up online bank debits with the utility company, but that shady ATM with the $8 transaction fee in the corner of the bar, totally fine.
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that level of paranoia, Liz. My ex wasn't paranoid about banks, but he was convinced that someone was out to kill him. He would say things like "there's a letter in my closet, under the box of photos -- if I turn up dead, give that to the police."

Um, OK.
I've heard something similar, too. He thought our neighbors were going to come in and kill us. Mind you, he wasn't even drinking when he had this freak out. Started screaming about how they were going to come in and rape me, torture our child, and then kill him and he went into detail too. Of course, he did this in front of our child who was probably around 7 at the time. Son and I sat on the bed and wept for a while after that one. Ahhh, memories....just love taking a trip down memory lane. Just another reminder of why I need to get out. He may be medicated now, but who knows if that's even valid especially since he's still drinking and the drinking kinda cancels out an anti-depressant. I'm sure his neurotransmitters are a bit wonky at this point.
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Old 12-16-2014, 11:30 PM
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He's unraveling fast. I just hope you're planning faster. That kind of paranoia can turn dark very quickly. Hopefully you'll be able to get out soon and won't have to deal with his nonsense on a regular basis.
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Old 12-17-2014, 04:40 AM
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Ah Liz,

Those kind of trips down memory lane (I always call it the "Highlights Reel") do work to set our resolve.
MY STBXAH also insisted in taking over the finances about 5 months before I pulled the plug. Perhaps they sense a loss of control and this is a way to rein us back in. Of course scrutinizing every one of MY expenses seemed to be part of the plan. I had no idea how much it hurt our bottom line when I went to the dollar store and spent $1.00 on clothes pins for my classroom. He never really showed any paranoia about outside elements, but he would turn the television onto PBS and rant racial obscenities at the host.
Fun times!! The count down is down to 3 weeks before the end of the 60 day waiting period.


Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days it seems like so much work. I often set small goals each day (just a phone call) that would get me closer to leaving so that I would not get too discouraged.
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Old 12-17-2014, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Yurt View Post
Ah Liz,

Those kind of trips down memory lane (I always call it the "Highlights Reel") do work to set our resolve.
MY STBXAH also insisted in taking over the finances about 5 months before I pulled the plug. Perhaps they sense a loss of control and this is a way to rein us back in. Of course scrutinizing every one of MY expenses seemed to be part of the plan. I had no idea how much it hurt our bottom line when I went to the dollar store and spent $1.00 on clothes pins for my classroom. He never really showed any paranoia about outside elements, but he would turn the television onto PBS and rant racial obscenities at the host.
Fun times!! The count down is down to 3 weeks before the end of the 60 day waiting period.


Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days it seems like so much work. I often set small goals each day (just a phone call) that would get me closer to leaving so that I would not get too discouraged.
Thanks Yurt! Yes, it's the highlights reel. Oh, and yours ranted at the TV too? Funny, that's a given in our house. I hate watching the news, my AH is a total racist, too. You know, I won't even say the word 'black' (even when referring to a kitchen tool or a picture frame or whatever) in my house because he thinks it's funny when he yells, "RACIST" at me or at our son. For some reason, this is a humorous thing to him. I don't find it funny in the least.
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