When do you stop questioning everything?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
When do you stop questioning everything?
As I continue to come to grips with what has happened and educate myself more on the disease of alcoholism, a part of me finds some peace in the decision to end the relationship and another part of me continues to have more and more questions.
It's so hard to understand that someone would willingly choose to leave the person that loved them so much, and that they loved, to continue down what they knowingly admit is a destructive and dangerous path affecting every aspect of their life - health, emotional, relationship, and the start of work difficulties.
I KNOW I did what was best for both of us, and especially for my little one. I couldn't continue to live like that while trying to finish my degree and raise a young daughter, who only has one shot at a happy childhood, and in essence, by continuing to allow it all, I was enabling him. Sure I'd say things and argue and explain that he deserved better for himself and that we all deserved better than what was happening, but it didn't do a thing. He was still able to drink, come home, sleep in a comfortable bed, have a hot meal, take a shower and relax in a beautiful home in front of the TV. I'd be angry, but he knew he just had to wait me out. Being so busy with school and my daughter, I just didn't have a lot of fight left in me to continue arguing, so he'd say a million I'm sorry's, buy me flowers, promise to never do it again and eventually I'd move on...until the cycle would repeat itself...again, and again, and again.
So, realizing that there was no way my daughter would grow up like I did, surrounded by alcoholics, I knew I had to make a move. I knew that although I loved him tremendously, I was enabling him. In the beginning, I felt like I was controlling the situation and could handle it, however, I had control of NOTHING. There is no controlling an alcoholic. He'd hide his drinking, which would make me pity him and also enrage me. The thought of him trying to insult my intelligence drove me crazy! I grew up in a 2 parent alcoholic household -- I KNOW when someone has been drinking - I can sense it with every fiber of my being. My childhood safety depended on me KNOWING when one of them were drinking. I have some sick built in sensor.
I told him to either seek help or leave. He chose to leave after asking if there was any other options. I told him the only option was to seek help to turn his life around. So, he left. And now he's living with his father and his wife, who are also pretty heavy duty alcoholics. Everything in the family revolves around alcohol. Everything. His stepmother once told him that he's not an alcoholic, he's just bored. Umm, really?
I know it's no longer any of my business, but I can't help but worry about him. I did love him for a long time, and I do still love and care about him deeply, but I can't see how living with them will help in any way, shape or form. Even if me leaving him could have woken him up a little, they'll just help him dull his pain with more alcohol. All of his friends are heavy drinkers as well. It used to disgust me when we'd go to his friend's homes and see the amount of alcohol they'd consume with children in the house. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean a few drinks, I mean BOMBED while the children would run around with barely any supervision.
It's such a terribly sad situation. While I'm feeling better about being away from it all and knowing that my life will get better now that I've extracted myself from what was turning into a very bad situation, I continue to worry for him and wonder how can he ever straighten his life out when he's surrounded by it at every turn.
I guess I'd just like to eventually hear he's done better for himself. I also guess I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may never hear that. Giving up hope is such a hard thing to do.
I suppose this is where I let go and let God. He's in his hands now. I have to keep telling myself there isn't anything I can do. His choices are his to make, but wow, it's hard. I feel like I've just gone through, and am still going through to an extent, a traumatic situation.
Just had to get that all out....it helps.
It's so hard to understand that someone would willingly choose to leave the person that loved them so much, and that they loved, to continue down what they knowingly admit is a destructive and dangerous path affecting every aspect of their life - health, emotional, relationship, and the start of work difficulties.
I KNOW I did what was best for both of us, and especially for my little one. I couldn't continue to live like that while trying to finish my degree and raise a young daughter, who only has one shot at a happy childhood, and in essence, by continuing to allow it all, I was enabling him. Sure I'd say things and argue and explain that he deserved better for himself and that we all deserved better than what was happening, but it didn't do a thing. He was still able to drink, come home, sleep in a comfortable bed, have a hot meal, take a shower and relax in a beautiful home in front of the TV. I'd be angry, but he knew he just had to wait me out. Being so busy with school and my daughter, I just didn't have a lot of fight left in me to continue arguing, so he'd say a million I'm sorry's, buy me flowers, promise to never do it again and eventually I'd move on...until the cycle would repeat itself...again, and again, and again.
So, realizing that there was no way my daughter would grow up like I did, surrounded by alcoholics, I knew I had to make a move. I knew that although I loved him tremendously, I was enabling him. In the beginning, I felt like I was controlling the situation and could handle it, however, I had control of NOTHING. There is no controlling an alcoholic. He'd hide his drinking, which would make me pity him and also enrage me. The thought of him trying to insult my intelligence drove me crazy! I grew up in a 2 parent alcoholic household -- I KNOW when someone has been drinking - I can sense it with every fiber of my being. My childhood safety depended on me KNOWING when one of them were drinking. I have some sick built in sensor.
I told him to either seek help or leave. He chose to leave after asking if there was any other options. I told him the only option was to seek help to turn his life around. So, he left. And now he's living with his father and his wife, who are also pretty heavy duty alcoholics. Everything in the family revolves around alcohol. Everything. His stepmother once told him that he's not an alcoholic, he's just bored. Umm, really?
I know it's no longer any of my business, but I can't help but worry about him. I did love him for a long time, and I do still love and care about him deeply, but I can't see how living with them will help in any way, shape or form. Even if me leaving him could have woken him up a little, they'll just help him dull his pain with more alcohol. All of his friends are heavy drinkers as well. It used to disgust me when we'd go to his friend's homes and see the amount of alcohol they'd consume with children in the house. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean a few drinks, I mean BOMBED while the children would run around with barely any supervision.
It's such a terribly sad situation. While I'm feeling better about being away from it all and knowing that my life will get better now that I've extracted myself from what was turning into a very bad situation, I continue to worry for him and wonder how can he ever straighten his life out when he's surrounded by it at every turn.
I guess I'd just like to eventually hear he's done better for himself. I also guess I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I may never hear that. Giving up hope is such a hard thing to do.
I suppose this is where I let go and let God. He's in his hands now. I have to keep telling myself there isn't anything I can do. His choices are his to make, but wow, it's hard. I feel like I've just gone through, and am still going through to an extent, a traumatic situation.
Just had to get that all out....it helps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Sending you hugs this Sunday. You did a smart thing for you and your daughter to take care of both of you. I tried for 15 years to get my now separated Ah to understand how destructive it was he also lives with his parents I just need to keep moving forward on my path as you do.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Flipped, I think you have a pretty good handle on it, for someone who is not an alcoholic. I don't think, until you've experienced alcoholism (or another substance addiction) first-hand, that it's really possible to understand.
I know when I was at the end of my drinking I was risking a lot, and I could see it coming, but I felt helpless to stop it. Thankfully I DID have a moment of clarity that allowed me to act then, but not everyone gets one or pays attention to it. I don't think I was any "better" than any other alcoholic, but maybe I was a bit more easily scared of what was coming than some are. Or maybe it was seeing what happened with other alcoholics in my life that made me believe that recovery was possible and could give me back my life. My first husband got sober at 21 and has been sober for almost 35 years. My second husband almost died of alcoholism, then after a brief flirtation with recovery went back to drinking.
I'd say that his disease is telling him that he isn't that bad, that he is in control of his drinking, and that you are simply being unreasonable and trying to control him. And he probably believes that. And he may continue to believe that for the rest of his life.
I hope, too, that he gets better. It could happen. But it won't happen on your timetable. I think you were very wise to end it where you did.
I know when I was at the end of my drinking I was risking a lot, and I could see it coming, but I felt helpless to stop it. Thankfully I DID have a moment of clarity that allowed me to act then, but not everyone gets one or pays attention to it. I don't think I was any "better" than any other alcoholic, but maybe I was a bit more easily scared of what was coming than some are. Or maybe it was seeing what happened with other alcoholics in my life that made me believe that recovery was possible and could give me back my life. My first husband got sober at 21 and has been sober for almost 35 years. My second husband almost died of alcoholism, then after a brief flirtation with recovery went back to drinking.
I'd say that his disease is telling him that he isn't that bad, that he is in control of his drinking, and that you are simply being unreasonable and trying to control him. And he probably believes that. And he may continue to believe that for the rest of his life.
I hope, too, that he gets better. It could happen. But it won't happen on your timetable. I think you were very wise to end it where you did.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FlippedRHalo....I absolutely "get" how much you are hurting, right now. I think most everyone else who is reading this post has undergone the same kind of emotions..now, or in the past. In the acute "phase", the pain and helplessness can feel absolutely agonizing.
No way to sugar-coat it.
While your love feeling is real (all feelings are real)...it is a bitter pill to realize that "love" is not enough in some situations (addiction).
When you have bonded with another...and invested parts of yourself....there is still the same pain....WHETHER IT WAS GOOD OR BAD....when that relationship is fractured.
This "questioning yourself" and all the other painful thoughts and emotions are a part of the grieving process. There is no way around it. It is normal for your situation.
Grief is the first step of the eventually healing. Necessary; Unavoidable.
Think of it as the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
You are so right that he is in God's (the universe) hands.
Even if you had sacrificed your whole life to "save" him....it would not have benefitted him.
His brain does not work like yours. He looks at the world through the filter of alcoholism.
If you really want to "understand" this.....My suggestion: Go to the website: "bma-wellness.com". Read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.----begin with the one titled: "Excuses, Lies, and Relationships". This is the best explanation of how the alcoholic "thinks" that I have ever read. It helped me a great deal.
It will not always feel like this....I promise....
dandylion
No way to sugar-coat it.
While your love feeling is real (all feelings are real)...it is a bitter pill to realize that "love" is not enough in some situations (addiction).
When you have bonded with another...and invested parts of yourself....there is still the same pain....WHETHER IT WAS GOOD OR BAD....when that relationship is fractured.
This "questioning yourself" and all the other painful thoughts and emotions are a part of the grieving process. There is no way around it. It is normal for your situation.
Grief is the first step of the eventually healing. Necessary; Unavoidable.
Think of it as the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
You are so right that he is in God's (the universe) hands.
Even if you had sacrificed your whole life to "save" him....it would not have benefitted him.
His brain does not work like yours. He looks at the world through the filter of alcoholism.
If you really want to "understand" this.....My suggestion: Go to the website: "bma-wellness.com". Read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.----begin with the one titled: "Excuses, Lies, and Relationships". This is the best explanation of how the alcoholic "thinks" that I have ever read. It helped me a great deal.
It will not always feel like this....I promise....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
We keep hitting step "1", don't we? It certainly is better than step "0".
My separated mate wakes up alone in an empty house, frequently gets in trouble at work, has had his income cut by at least 1/3. The house is a wreak with broken windows mended with tape and cat urine and fecal matter on the floor.
I worry (sorry to admit this) about him continually. Nothing I do or don't do helps, it is always wrong. He is continuing to spiral.
You are very brave for doing this. Your daughter's whole life might have been saved because of your courage. Bless you!
My separated mate wakes up alone in an empty house, frequently gets in trouble at work, has had his income cut by at least 1/3. The house is a wreak with broken windows mended with tape and cat urine and fecal matter on the floor.
I worry (sorry to admit this) about him continually. Nothing I do or don't do helps, it is always wrong. He is continuing to spiral.
You are very brave for doing this. Your daughter's whole life might have been saved because of your courage. Bless you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I found that my questions about the A's life became less and less important as I allowed my life to come to the forefront.
I hope that as you can relax (now that he's moved out and that went well), you will start enjoying your new-found freedom and spend less time worrying about him and more time taking care of yourself.
I hope that as you can relax (now that he's moved out and that went well), you will start enjoying your new-found freedom and spend less time worrying about him and more time taking care of yourself.
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