H0peful

Hi,
I'm 20. My father is 43. He's always drank, but after a bout with cancer about 6 years ago, it became something of concern. He's up to a bit more than a 12 pack of beer everyday, though his girlfriend told me he often has her go back for more beer. I don't live with him, though I see him on a nearly daily basis. The only time he will not drink is at work. I credit this purely to him loving his job and being the provider in his household. That is the only exception, however -- he starts drinking as soon as he wakes up on weekends and goes all day. Weekdays, he begins after work and goes all night, apparently. His girlfriend is... An enabler. At least, that's my opinion. She often dilutes the severity of things by telling stories of someone she knew who had it worse. He has very bad issues with his blood pressure that his doctor said is in small part to do with his drinking. Everyone I have asked advice from has told me, essentially, that it is a loss cause. Because he is an adult and has an addiction, that he has to have this sudden desire to change. He has a grandson that turns one in February, and I'm one of three daughters that love him VERY much. I can't accept that this is a journey he has to travel alone, nor that I can't somehow push him into this journey. Otherwise, I genuinely can't see him ever having the desire to change.

Thanks in advance for any replies.

Hope7726

Hi and welcome. Have you checked out the Al-Anon program? It's for loved ones of alcoholics.

LexieCat

I'm afraid that's something you DO have to accept, unless you want to beat your head against the wall. There really is very little that can be done to "push him into this journey." I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I am six years sober, myself. I know countless sober alcoholics (as well as those who just dip their toes in the recovery pool), and every one of them had to come up with their own desire to stop drinking. It is a huge commitment, and a lot of work, and alcoholism is so powerful that it takes a LOT to stop that train.

You can tell him that you love him and that his drinking concerns you because you want him to be around for a long time, but really, I doubt that he sees that much wrong with what he is doing. His g/f might be an enabler, but don't judge her too harshly. Loved ones often feel they have to make excuses and keep up appearances because they aren't ready to face the truth, either.

Stick around here, read the stickies, post freely, and I really strongly suggest that you check out Al-Anon. It won't get your dad sober but it will help YOU a whole lot.

NWGRITS

I'm going to save my hands here and simply echo what Lexie has already said. If you truly do want to help, then you need to accept that he must come to the decision to find recovery on his own. You can find your own recovery too, in Al-Anon.

boomtruck

HOpeful, getting sober is just the start of dealing with alcoholism. The alcoholic began drinking for a "reason". Usually it starts as a way to numb hurts. I know for my AH I don't think it is so much a matter of wanting to be sober as it is he cannot deal with the emotions, hurts, and anger when he is. He does not have to tools to deal with life so he drinks. He almost died before Thanksgiving and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't make it through Christmas.
Ditto on the al-anon. All you can do is take care of yourself---and love the alcoholic.

AndyFTH

You can't help/make somebody stop drinking. He has to make his mind to stop. And when he made his mind to stop, he doesn't need anybody's help.

I think the best advice, no matter how you love him, is to stay away or his drinking will ruin your life too.

BlueChair

I would suggest looking at something like Community Reinforcement and Family Training, abbreviated as Craft. Im learning it to help with my husbands recovery. Its an evidence based approach using behavioral science, motivation techniques. The idea is we cant make a person change but we can learn ways to help encourage them, communicate better with them, motivate them to want to change on their own, and encourage them to seek help if they cant do it alone. You might want to look at Smart Recovery too, they use this approach. We have a book review going on here also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...families.html?. Also part of it, is helping us learn to cope better so we can stay engaged with our family members when possible.