killerinstinct

It's been a long time since I've 'felt' something I was at a wedding and for the first time in two years I felt instantly attracted to an older buff man who has a similar body type to my ex and a macho face... Is there something wrong with me? I'm just not attracted to men my age... I felt hot and steamy just looking at him and reminded me of the exact same way I felt about the ex .. Your thoughts please. I've not felt like this in soooo long. I know nothing about this guy by the way.. Is there something wrong with dating older men my ex was 9 years older than me.. This guy looks even older... Yikes

shil2587

Meh 9 years isn't a problem unless they remind you of your dad.
Most women date slightly older men.

killerinstinct

No didn't remind me of my dad at al. This guy looked like GI Jo that's my type my ex husband was a GI Jo looking type.. I'm just worried with all the work I've done on myself shouldn't I be attracted to men my age now ??? I just know no matter what I really have a type and don't know if that's meant to change now that I have evolved

ubntubnt

as a 42 year old year old guy who is not getting any younger I those those feelings are to be commended and encouraged

shil2587

Being attracted to a certain physique is OK. It's only if you still fond yourself attracted to men who are addits, obsessive or abusive that I think I would be concerned. X

Dee74

Like others have said, having an predilection to a certain physicality is fine...

finding yourself again and again attracted to the same (wrong) kind of personality is a different thing I think?

D

LexieCat

My only concern with dating someone who reminded me too much of an ex is that it would be a little like drinking n/a beer for an alcoholic, ya know? Maybe fall into familiar patterns?

schnappi99

As a 46 yr old guy not getting any younger and working on the physique, how broad do the shoulders have to get and how flat does the belly need to be?

lol sorry to be flippant, just got a smile from your post ki

Thumper

9 years is no big deal. Don't worry about that.

As others have said the red flags you want to be able to see are for certain relationship dynamics or addiction issues.

Physical traits are superficial and we all have different types we are attracted to. I think that is normal and fine. As long as we don't make that our only criteria we are good to go

Hammer

Yeah, follow what you are saying.

Skinny chicks -- sorry no disrespect intended -- but that is a fairly good description of Mrs. Hammer at the point of "game last saved" in my mind and heart of her, from before Rehab and all her soooo whacky behavior -- I find attractive.

Last "Skinny Chick" I was talking to (I now run away), when I glanced she had 20 cuts across her left arm (yeah, Mrs. Hammer is/was a cutter, too), and I about crapped my pants when I saw that.

Dunno why other than (now) I have studied some of my own Codie issues and like you understand that is partly a "longing" for what was. That is what you are asking, right? Is this going on because you are longing for what you had (or perhaps in truth only thought you had, huh?).

You / we / [ME] feel and fear we may want "do overs." And if that is what we are seeing in the "them," it is because we have acknowledged that our dream did not work out, but are we trying to re-applying / re-create the waking, walking dream if we could only "cast" the character correctly?

It is funny at the same time, because when Mrs. Hammer showed up about 14 years she was quite "curvy" (I think is the correct term), about like a young Amy Winehouse, but on the way to Rehab, almost 2 years ago -- she was more like a Skinny Chick Amy Winehouse. (Mrs. Hammer's Rehab was for Anorexia / Exercise Bulimia).

At any rate, it was Curvy Mrs. Hammer that I fell so deeply in love with, and when she would "flip" and change into a "new model," I would have to re-program my whole brain around that. It was like changing out the IFF (Identify Friend or Foe) software in my brain.

So by rights, and looking too far inward, I should want Curvy, since that is what showed up, and I fell in love in with, right?

Here is the killer, as far as I can see. US. Ourselves. You are correct, we may be seeking what we want[ed]. Still. Hey, look, Alcoholics want their Alcohol FOR LIFE. I guess it is sort of Vain for us to think ourselves some how better or different?

Like other folks have noted -- What we should view in people is Character. But our *they(s)* -- if they come from any sort of the Personality Disorder genres -- Narcissist, Borderline, Traits, etc. -- they have sort of "preyed" on us as Emotional Manipulators -- trying to get their own needs met. And as Codies / People Server / Pleasers, such as we tend to be have "reprogrammed" ourselves to serve them.

Sort of funny how often I used to hear that Mrs. Hammer and I looked alike. I used to joke that was because we were both cousins, and half-siblings (East Texas Incest Humor). Now since she "re-programmed" after Rehab, she began "mirroring" (dressing, hair, clothes, speech patterns -- same as we used to) her own mom. (MIL, as it were). MIL was so scared that Mrs. Hammer may have died from the Eating Disorder (which she used to Codie/support) that she is now Codie/Supporting the new Crazy. Even our kids follow what she is doing. "Mom is still copying Granna, huh?" "Granna sure likes mom doing that."

Real deal it has NOTHING to do with the "look." You may be correct. For us -- it is ALL us. Looking for our "them."

Maybe listen to this -- I am. About falling in Love with the Same Person with a different face. >>>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=439K...a9sOQ&index=54


=================

For folks not following my Amy Winehouse refs . . .

Amy Winehouse Thick and Thin . . . .

Chillly

Meh, no big deal..

PaperDolls

I agree with what been said for sure. My thought, without know any of your story, is that based on your fear maybe you're not ready for a relationship or even thinking about it.

Mountainmanbob

Seems to be pretty common
my wife is 11 years younger than I

Some of the Ladies these days are also dating much younger men

Older ? Younger ? The proof seems to be in the pudding

MM

aasharon90

In my first 25 yr. marriage, my spouse
was one yr. older than I.

Now on my 2nd marriage of 5 yrs with
my husband 11 yrs. older than I.

What attracted me to him was when
I spotted him at a meeting when he
walked pass me tall, like he was sure
of himself and had a purpose.

His wife of 35 yrs. who passed away
of illness was close to his age.

I think he was happy I found interest
in him, but he wasn't sure I would like
the age difference. However, as we courted
and talked, his age never seemed to matter
to me. His wisdom and experiences was a
big factor.

And seeing him the first time with a fine
looking silver/gray tone ponytail hanging
below his shoulders made me wonder if
he played in a band or rode a motorcycle.

Just nice looking and in charge, secured.

5 yrs. later and we still mesh good together
knowing what matters the most in our marriage.

Sobriety, Faith, riding our Harley together
as one, enjoying simplicity, no stress.

A marriage of two brought together by
the Man Upstairs. A gift in recovery.

Jennifer828

I'm 32 and have dated several guys older than me using websites www.hidine.com and www.tempted.com To me, older men know themselves, they have a career and it's a great thing culture wise, they introduced me to music and movies that are totally awesome classics!

suki44883

When I was younger, I was attracted to older men. Men(?) my age were too immature...more like little boys. As I got older, I liked men a little younger. It was an ego thing, I guess.

Now, I'm not interested at all.

LexieCat

LOL, me, either.

killerinstinct

Thank you I suppose this is a really good thread for me... Gives me lots to think about when dating and now for once I can go at my own pace with SR. folks advice which is so helpful. Thank you all. You know what I love hot buff older charming men that's my style but I need to get to know them and if there are red flags I shall run the other way and if there aren't then I will take my time getting to know them.. I shouldn't assume that all older men who are buff and hot and charming are all bastards like my ex husband either.. I just really don't want to stereotype my physical type of guy.. Sure lots of them are jerks because they are so handsome and use it to their advantage but there has to be a 'my type' out there who is nice... I really don't want to settle for someone that I am not attracted too... That's a big fear I have

suki44883

I think the most important thing is finding someone you are compatible with, someone who can make you laugh; someone who is interesting and is interested in the things that interest you. Looks can draw us in, but I have found that the most meaningful relationships I have had has been with men who are genuine and share my interests. A person's personality can make them more attractive than you might initially find them to be.

Aellyce

9 years? Nothing... I have a history of being attracted to and being in relationships with people 10+ years older than me, and the most memorable relationships involved 15-17 years age gap. Why this pattern? I think in my case it emerged in my teens as an attraction to life experience and what I perceived as wisdom coming with experience. I also have a history of being attracted to some of my teachers - same phenomenon. A form of knowledge-seeking. This, for me, seems to be a pretty universal component of relating. My therapist is also a lot older than me, and when I was looking for a therapist, this was one of the criteria I had in mind. For romantic relationship, I think there was also an experience pretty early in my life, at 17-18 when was with a 35 yo man, that kinda initiated this trend. That relationship had a very strong influence on me in many ways, so I guess I would look for similar, at least similarly engaging and powerful experiences later.

I can actually feel attracted to guys my age and have many times physically, it's more the emotional component that calls for this age gap for me.

The other feature that plays in this, I believe, is my relationship with my father. He is someone I am very close to and have had a pretty special relationship with in most of my life, it's more like a close friendship than father-daughter. I was born pretty late to my parents so my dad is older than what would be a most common age difference. So men 15-20 older than me don't tend to remind me of my father (who is 43 years older than myself) in this sense.

I don't have any problem with this pattern and the guys I've been involved with for sure never seemed to have a problem either. As for certain physical types, I totally had this that after a particularly influental relationship, I would look for similarities not only in mentality but also in physical appearance. I think this is very common. I think everything is fine if both partners feel comfortable with it and it works.