Need Help reconciling lack of libido in sober boyfriend
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Karen191979 
Thank you and I that already did! 
I was just trying my luck and really hoping that The Original Poster had a happy ending. Needed some hope and a positive thought about this today.
I was just trying my luck and really hoping that The Original Poster had a happy ending. Needed some hope and a positive thought about this today.You mentioned that he has just quit alcohol, then 6 months ago weed and recently cigarettes as well. That's a lot!!
You also mentioned:
(Before that I got pregnant, had an abortion and had a false pregnancy scare)
Also, why has he quit all three? Is he in any kind of program? Does he have any support, a therapist etc? Did he quit on your prompting or was it his own decision? Was this a huge issue for the two of you?
I think Firesprite was suggesting you start a new thread here in the Friends and Family forum.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Karen191979
Thanks Freeowl, your answer has been so different from anything anyone else has said and it seems to be what I too think he is going thru. The thing is I have been asking him to see a therapist and last time we spoke about this he said he would but I don’t think he is really inclined towards or really wants to (though he has seen therapists before) He is doing such a good thing by giving up substances but I worry if he will be able to sustain it without dealing with his issues and without external help. I have been feeling so fustrated about this that we often end up fighting, with me telling him that he really needs to figure himself out and see a therpist otherwise this won’t work. I also worry that is it really the best thing for him to be in a relationship at this point. He might be doing better without someone and their needs to worry about.
You might look at this difficult time as an opportunity to focus on your own growth in self-care, your own growth in communication, your own growth in empathy and in self-love (and hey, self-LOVIN'). You might look at deprioritizing this issue for now and rolling with it - offering assurance and "it's gonna be OK" as opposed to focusing on advice....
Recovery is a difficult time and nobody has exactly the same path or timeline. Being a partner to someone in recovery is pretty damn challenging, too... and means trust and commitment and patience and willingness to learn to let go and trust and allow things to be. You might consider trying Al Anon and learning a bit more about being a partner in recovery from those who have been there......
Whether any of those things are things you want or are willing to do is up to you.... but the bottom line is; focus on yourself. Focus not on worrying about him or helping him or fixing him - but on your own needs and your own communication and your own care..... If you love him and believe in him and believe in the relationship, then ask yourself what growth can be had for YOU in this. Trust that he will find his growth and let him find it in his time..... but also be aware of your needs and boundaries so you can assess whether the relationship is what YOU want (not whether it's good for HIM).....
Those comments may sound like advice, I'm sorry if it strayed into that tone.... I'm really just offering a ramble of thoughts as a guy who has been there and a guy who has lived with similar challenges and come out the other side in a much better place and in a relationship that has deepened and become all the more meaningful for it.
Take any of it as you may find usefulness in it.... these are my experiences and may not be applicable to him or to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
In my experience, my relationship was a support and an asset in my recovery. My then-girlfriend-now-wife was not much of a drinker (like maybe ONE drink now and again but never more and never often) - so that was a tremendous help to my recovery. She also was incredibly understanding and supportive and had loads of patience. In terms of sex - she was mature and committed to me and to our relationship and was also very accountable for her own sexual needs (yeah, self-love is sometimes a real powerful tool!!). I also was pretty open about my frustrations with my own performance, lack of libido, etc..... to which she responded with "it'll be fine... don't overworry about it.... I love you.... there's more to life than sex" kind of responses that were incredibly helpful.
You might look at this difficult time as an opportunity to focus on your own growth in self-care, your own growth in communication, your own growth in empathy and in self-love (and hey, self-LOVIN'). You might look at deprioritizing this issue for now and rolling with it - offering assurance and "it's gonna be OK" as opposed to focusing on advice....
Recovery is a difficult time and nobody has exactly the same path or timeline. Being a partner to someone in recovery is pretty damn challenging, too... and means trust and commitment and patience and willingness to learn to let go and trust and allow things to be. You might consider trying Al Anon and learning a bit more about being a partner in recovery from those who have been there......
Whether any of those things are things you want or are willing to do is up to you.... but the bottom line is; focus on yourself. Focus not on worrying about him or helping him or fixing him - but on your own needs and your own communication and your own care..... If you love him and believe in him and believe in the relationship, then ask yourself what growth can be had for YOU in this. Trust that he will find his growth and let him find it in his time..... but also be aware of your needs and boundaries so you can assess whether the relationship is what YOU want (not whether it's good for HIM).....
Those comments may sound like advice, I'm sorry if it strayed into that tone.... I'm really just offering a ramble of thoughts as a guy who has been there and a guy who has lived with similar challenges and come out the other side in a much better place and in a relationship that has deepened and become all the more meaningful for it.
Take any of it as you may find usefulness in it.... these are my experiences and may not be applicable to him or to you.
You might look at this difficult time as an opportunity to focus on your own growth in self-care, your own growth in communication, your own growth in empathy and in self-love (and hey, self-LOVIN'). You might look at deprioritizing this issue for now and rolling with it - offering assurance and "it's gonna be OK" as opposed to focusing on advice....
Recovery is a difficult time and nobody has exactly the same path or timeline. Being a partner to someone in recovery is pretty damn challenging, too... and means trust and commitment and patience and willingness to learn to let go and trust and allow things to be. You might consider trying Al Anon and learning a bit more about being a partner in recovery from those who have been there......
Whether any of those things are things you want or are willing to do is up to you.... but the bottom line is; focus on yourself. Focus not on worrying about him or helping him or fixing him - but on your own needs and your own communication and your own care..... If you love him and believe in him and believe in the relationship, then ask yourself what growth can be had for YOU in this. Trust that he will find his growth and let him find it in his time..... but also be aware of your needs and boundaries so you can assess whether the relationship is what YOU want (not whether it's good for HIM).....
Those comments may sound like advice, I'm sorry if it strayed into that tone.... I'm really just offering a ramble of thoughts as a guy who has been there and a guy who has lived with similar challenges and come out the other side in a much better place and in a relationship that has deepened and become all the more meaningful for it.
Take any of it as you may find usefulness in it.... these are my experiences and may not be applicable to him or to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Karen and welcome! Just read your thread in the Newcomers to Recovery forum.
You mentioned that he has just quit alcohol, then 6 months ago weed and recently cigarettes as well. That's a lot!!
You also mentioned:
Not sure how that affected you emotionally (and I'm not asking you to share that just so you know) but do you know how it affected him?
Also, why has he quit all three? Is he in any kind of program? Does he have any support, a therapist etc? Did he quit on your prompting or was it his own decision? Was this a huge issue for the two of you?
I think Firesprite was suggesting you start a new thread here in the Friends and Family forum.
You mentioned that he has just quit alcohol, then 6 months ago weed and recently cigarettes as well. That's a lot!!
You also mentioned:
Not sure how that affected you emotionally (and I'm not asking you to share that just so you know) but do you know how it affected him?
Also, why has he quit all three? Is he in any kind of program? Does he have any support, a therapist etc? Did he quit on your prompting or was it his own decision? Was this a huge issue for the two of you?
I think Firesprite was suggesting you start a new thread here in the Friends and Family forum.
Yes it is a lot. I didn’t ask him to quit any of the substances it was entirely his decision. I am not much of a drinker but was a heavy pot smoker and in fact have been inspired by him to quit that.
The abortion did effect him in a huge way I think and the second pregnancy scare as well (we have been friends for 15 years before dating and I think he felt he would have to marry me if he got me pregnant again, he is also a bit commitment phobic and I don’t think he’s sure if he wants to have children) I have tried to reassure him many times that this is not the case and that we can also use protection.
He isn’t is any programme or seeing a therapist. That’s why we have been fighting off late. I feel he needs to see therapist and find ways to help himself.
Thank you will put up a post in the family and friends forum. New around here so don’t quite know the ropes yet!
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