Married and Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2
Married and Scared
Hello. I'm new to this... My husband is an alcoholic. He's not a physically abusive alcoholic, but he does drink when he shouldn't. He drinks Sunday mornings and has whiskey in his coffee on the drive in to work in the mornings. He drinks when I'm not home and he should be watching our 7 and 3 year old children. Tuesday he stayed home with the kids because they had the day off from school. I went to work and when I came home, he was trashed. I frustratingly dumped the bottles I could find and sent the kids upstairs to their room so we could have it out... again. He came into the kitchen and I put my hand up to stop him from coming any closer, but he fell backwards onto the floor. He got up screaming spousal abuse, packed a bag and left me... well, the kids and I. He spent the night in his office, and last night too. Today we talked he said that maybe we could work this out, i said as long as he stopped drinking, then when I went to pick him up from work, kids in tow, he was trashed. I know that relapses happen, but this feels like a slap in the face and I don't know what to do now. I just... don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
There is so much good support here. We have all been where you are. Loving an alcoholic and wanting them to stop.
I'd recommend reading everything you can, especially the posts saved up at the top of the forum.
I was struck by, "as long as he stopped drinking..." because it was so familiar. But our loved ones show us who they are and what they can offer with their actions before we ever try to set rules with them. Your husband IS an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. That's what you have to work with, unfortunately. Expecting something else is a fool's errand.
He was trashed when watching the kids. Re-read that. He was trashed when watching the kids!
Is that okay with you? Separate from your love of him, your history, his past loving behavior, his problems and struggles, the fact that the kids are fine, etc. etc.
That's CRAZY alcoholic.
You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours.
You can find a way to have someone watch the kids that will keep them safe.
Protect yourself and your little ones.
Read, read, read and keep sharing with us.
We understand and will support you.
fp
There is so much good support here. We have all been where you are. Loving an alcoholic and wanting them to stop.
I'd recommend reading everything you can, especially the posts saved up at the top of the forum.
I was struck by, "as long as he stopped drinking..." because it was so familiar. But our loved ones show us who they are and what they can offer with their actions before we ever try to set rules with them. Your husband IS an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. That's what you have to work with, unfortunately. Expecting something else is a fool's errand.
He was trashed when watching the kids. Re-read that. He was trashed when watching the kids!
Is that okay with you? Separate from your love of him, your history, his past loving behavior, his problems and struggles, the fact that the kids are fine, etc. etc.
That's CRAZY alcoholic.
You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours.
You can find a way to have someone watch the kids that will keep them safe.
Protect yourself and your little ones.
Read, read, read and keep sharing with us.
We understand and will support you.
fp
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hollywood, FL
Posts: 86
Please continue to post here. I am fairly new to the "Family" forum and have been inspired to figure it out with support from those who have more experience and wisdom then me.
The only words I say to you is Protect Your Children.
I began Al anon last month and it changed how I respond to my XA. Strength comes from reaching out. You have made the first steps....
The only words I say to you is Protect Your Children.
I began Al anon last month and it changed how I respond to my XA. Strength comes from reaching out. You have made the first steps....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, llw, and welcome to SR. You're in the right place, and you are NOT alone. We all have been in your shoes, and we understand.
First of all, I hope you can spend some time just reading as much as you can here on the forum. You'll probably see yourself in many of the stories. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--there's a lot of learning and helpful info there. Here's a sample of what you'll find in the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Someone already suggested that you check into Alanon, and I'd like to second that. It provides the face-to-face support that SR can't. For me, SR and Alanon have been a powerful combination in working towards my own recovery.
There IS hope; you CAN change your situation and be happy and at peace. Posting here is the first step. As you learn more, you'll start to see your path ahead of you. Wishing you strength and clarity as you walk it.
First of all, I hope you can spend some time just reading as much as you can here on the forum. You'll probably see yourself in many of the stories. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--there's a lot of learning and helpful info there. Here's a sample of what you'll find in the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Someone already suggested that you check into Alanon, and I'd like to second that. It provides the face-to-face support that SR can't. For me, SR and Alanon have been a powerful combination in working towards my own recovery.
There IS hope; you CAN change your situation and be happy and at peace. Posting here is the first step. As you learn more, you'll start to see your path ahead of you. Wishing you strength and clarity as you walk it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
A good morning to you LLW! Welcome to SR!
Do you have family/friends around to help watch the kids? Can you get to a counseling appt? I found SR, counseling and Al Anon a great trifecta to learn and deal with my life with an AH (alcoholic husband). Lots of wise spouses here!
Do you have family/friends around to help watch the kids? Can you get to a counseling appt? I found SR, counseling and Al Anon a great trifecta to learn and deal with my life with an AH (alcoholic husband). Lots of wise spouses here!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This wasn't a "relapse"--he has never stopped drinking. Going a day, a week, or a month or more without drinking doesn't equal recovery.
He is endangering your children, first and foremost. Even apart from his endangering them by drinking while he is supposed to be caring for them, living in a household with a drunk is very, very damaging to kids. These drunken tirades are NOT going to stop--they will happen more and more often, and become worse, unless and until he is READY to quit drinking, and makes a serious commitment to it. I haven't seen a single thing that suggests he is in any way ready to quit drinking. You might get a lot of empty promises from him to get you to let him stay, but he won't be able to sustain any long-term sobriety unless he truly WANTS to get sober and stay that way.
I strongly suggest you find some Al-Anon groups in addition to posting here. Al-Anon is the path back to sanity for you.
Hugs,
He is endangering your children, first and foremost. Even apart from his endangering them by drinking while he is supposed to be caring for them, living in a household with a drunk is very, very damaging to kids. These drunken tirades are NOT going to stop--they will happen more and more often, and become worse, unless and until he is READY to quit drinking, and makes a serious commitment to it. I haven't seen a single thing that suggests he is in any way ready to quit drinking. You might get a lot of empty promises from him to get you to let him stay, but he won't be able to sustain any long-term sobriety unless he truly WANTS to get sober and stay that way.
I strongly suggest you find some Al-Anon groups in addition to posting here. Al-Anon is the path back to sanity for you.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2
Thank you. :-)
I joined an al anon online group. And reading this forum has been helping. And I appreciate the love you've given me. Every day I wake up and don't know how I'm going to keep going.
An update- after waking up Friday morning he declared that he was going to start attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. He's been sober since Friday morning. I have a therapy appointment next Tuesday... therapy for me, not marriage counseling for us.
I joined an al anon online group. And reading this forum has been helping. And I appreciate the love you've given me. Every day I wake up and don't know how I'm going to keep going.
An update- after waking up Friday morning he declared that he was going to start attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. He's been sober since Friday morning. I have a therapy appointment next Tuesday... therapy for me, not marriage counseling for us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I hope he follows thru on his promise of AA. Regardless of what he does, though, keep on taking care of you. Keep reading and posting here, and keep on with Alanon.
I'd like to suggest that you see if you can find a face-to-face Alanon group rather than online, if at all possible. I love SR and the way it's available to me any time of the day or night, not to mention the sheer scope of experience, strength and hope that is shared here, but there is something about a real-life meeting where you see people's faces and get real hugs that simply can't be duplicated online.
Thanks for the update, and please keep in touch. It's a lot to come to grips with when you first start to see the truth of the situation. We're here for you.
I'd like to suggest that you see if you can find a face-to-face Alanon group rather than online, if at all possible. I love SR and the way it's available to me any time of the day or night, not to mention the sheer scope of experience, strength and hope that is shared here, but there is something about a real-life meeting where you see people's faces and get real hugs that simply can't be duplicated online.
Thanks for the update, and please keep in touch. It's a lot to come to grips with when you first start to see the truth of the situation. We're here for you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad you found an online group. Check around--there are some Al-Anon groups that provide childcare. Online groups and forums are great, but there's something special about face-to-face meetings (not least of which are in-person hugs).
Well, the declaration and not drinking since Friday is a start--or it might be. Trust what you see with your own eyes, though. You will find out soon enough if he is serious. I don't want to be a downer, but it is VERY common for alcoholics to make all kinds of promises and declarations, and even make a token effort at attending AA, and still have in their heart of hearts the intention to keep drinking (but to control it better to stay out of trouble--that NEVER works). So don't be shocked if that happens.
But your own recovery, fortunately, doesn't depend on his.
Hugs,
Well, the declaration and not drinking since Friday is a start--or it might be. Trust what you see with your own eyes, though. You will find out soon enough if he is serious. I don't want to be a downer, but it is VERY common for alcoholics to make all kinds of promises and declarations, and even make a token effort at attending AA, and still have in their heart of hearts the intention to keep drinking (but to control it better to stay out of trouble--that NEVER works). So don't be shocked if that happens.
But your own recovery, fortunately, doesn't depend on his.
Hugs,
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