LexieCat

I wasn't suggesting it's "excusable," I was suggesting that it may be forgivable.

I just don't like the implication that someone needs to be insane to consider salvaging a relationship where there is infidelity.

I'm also not suggesting anyone is obligated to "work it out" with an unfaithful spouse. I think it's a very individual choice. What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for someone else.

Hammer

More than welcome. Those promises are real.

as far as your wish -- yunno, I think for a while I just about was managing that.

Working in and out of town, it would be a daily scheduled break -- Monday at home, Tuesday on the Road at a Catholic Church, Wednesday on the road at an old VFW, Thursday evening either back home, or a stop on the way back home at a Christ Church. Friday noon at the Huge ODAAT in Plano, Saturday noon my home group, and then Sunday evening with my Men's Step Group.

Wow. How NO IDEA how blessed I was/am until you mentioned that.

Have cooled things down some, but it is all good.

Tell God what you want and need (and make sure it is about serving Good) and God will make it so.

Sort of what God does.

mejo

Cheating hurts so bad. But I noticed in one of your post you said something about "if I don't give him enough attention, he cheats". That made my stomach roll. Sweetness, he will cheat no matter what. No matter how much attention YOU give him. This is not about YOU. This is about his flaws and ignorance. You can always check your phone records to see if he is deleting calls or txts. I have been in your shoes. My H had an affair with a women at his work. Oh, it killed me. For like three years. And since then, I have caught him on numerous occasions having inappropriate relationships or conversations with other women. It does not stop. Once they get "away" with it and they know you will tolerate that behavior, it just keeps happening. I am not saying that there are not exceptions to that because there are people who cheat once, see the error in it and never do it again. But, this is an addict. That is added to the mix.

Whatever you decide, please don't let him make you feel like this is your fault. It's not. It's his. Having this women's number in his phone is disrespectful, IMO. I remember feeling like if I ever saw the women my husband cheated on me with, I would face plant her into the curb. Yeah, I had a lot of pent up anger. I have let that go, although we did move 1200 miles away. Lol

Kboys

Thank you Mejo. I know in my head it's not my fault, just like I know his drinking is not my fault. I really do, but sometimes I still hear that voice in the back of my head, telling me that it is....

dandylion

kboys.....talk back to that voice! Alcoholics have the voice of their disease talking to them in their head.
Co-dependents have that co-dependent voice that talks, also....trying to distort our thoughts.

Write your reply to that voice on a piece of paper and carry it with you all the time. When that voice starts speaking to you....read and reread your reply!!

dandylion

Kboys

I probably would have said the same thing a few years ago. I never thought I would have tolerated any of the other abuse that AH has put me through either, but I have.
I remember the first time he was drunk and yelled at me about something, and we fought. It was awful. Nobody had ever really yelled at me before. But I let it go, and I justified it. He apologized, felt really bad, and I figured I was probably partly to blame, because I was drinking that night too...

But then it just kept getting worse....

I kept tolerating more and more, the yelling would go on for longer periods, then the name calling and the cruel words, destruction of our home, then the mean drunk rages started going on not just for one day but for full weekends or longer, but always with apolgies to follow, and he would stay sober and be nice and sweet just long enough for me to think maybe this time, maybe it won't happen again...

And at least he's not physically abusive (well, except for pushing me, throwing food, toys, a wet rag at me, oh yeah, and the time he put his hands on my throat and pushed me up against a wall), but he never acually "hit" me, or left bruises, so I let that go too.

And he's not cheating on me, I told myself. If he cheated on me, well then, that would be the last straw, for sure. But then it started with the inappropriate text messages, and seeing those messages hurt SOOO bad, but I let it go... they were only text messages, he didn't actually "do anything" with her. But then it continued...

And now here I am, and I'm not really even sure how to answer your question Anvilhead. I guess becuase I'm still in love with the person that I met before the alcohol took over, and before the cheating. I still want the future that I thought we were going to have. I really do believe that too much has happened for me to ever fully get past if I continue in a relationship with him, but I am just not ready to be done for good. I wish I was but I'm not.

dandylion

Kboys....there is work ahead for you.....
Please hang around!!!!

dandylion

Hope4Life

"the time he put his hands on my throat and pushed me up against a wall" and because he didn't 'hit' you, you decided to let that go too?

Wow.... that statement floors me! PLEASE be careful, I realize that that happened when he was drinking but I need to make this crystal clear here.... That is not OK, EVER! Drunk, high or otherwise that is physical and mental abuse.... PERIOD!

You and your small children are in danger, Mom.

That man is lucky you are not my sister.....

LexieCat

OK, this is the first I've heard about the physical abuse. And yes, bruises or not, holding you up against the wall with his hand against your throat is threatened strangulation.

You are, indeed, in a dangerous situation. Just because you tolerated it before doesn't mean you have to continue to tolerate it. Please call the DV hotline and speak with a counselor. This is likely to recur, and is likely to get worse, just as it has been. You need to figure out how to stay safe.

Please call--you don't have to do anything until you are ready to, but at least get some good information and advice from the professionals.

Kboys

Thank you Dandylion

And thank you Hope4Life and Lexiecat. I know you are right. He is not drinking for now, and I will never allow my children to be around him if/when he drinks again. I know that is one boundary that I will not break, or let him break.

Sometimes I start to forget about how horrible things actually were, now that things are calm, but I do know what he is capable of, and have not forgotten all the horror he put us through. I have an extra car key and a cell phone he doesn't know about, that are hidden, just in case.