Cheating ah
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Cheating ah
Just don’t know how much longer I can or want to hang in there with AH.
I really don’t think I’m going to be able to get past his cheating. I think I may be able to get past everything else IF he continues to not drink, and things continue the way they have for the past six weeks, but not the cheating.
I think the cheating is too much for me, especially because he still works with her on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. My heart breaks every time I drop him off at work, or pick him up, and I have to see her. I smile and wave at her, I don’t know why, but it makes me feel better when I do. She won’t give me more than a glance. She knows I know.
I usually pick him up and drop him off for lunch too (we work less than mile from each other, and he has no DL due to DUI) but last week I didn’t do that and had lunch on my own, because I just can’t stand going there. But then I wonder if he’s spending lunch with her, which is almost worse.
It helps only a little that she’s really not that attractive. Sorry.
I don’t believe anything he says when it comes to her. I’ve stopped asking him questions about his relationship with her though, because it only was making me more angry, and annoyed with myself. When I ask him, “How many times did you sleep with her? Did she talk to you today? What did you guys talk about today? Are you still having sex with her?” I don’t believe his answers, so why do I even ask? So yeah, I’ve stopped that.
I truly don't think that he is sleeping with her anymore, and I believe he did less than five times (he admits to only once though). But I do think that they have a continued friendship, or whatever, that he minimizes to me. And to me, that's just as hurtful.
I’ve stopped (really trying to stop) trying to get into his head when it comes to her, and the way he’s feeling about me and our relationship, and am focusing more on the way I am feeling about it. And well, the way I’m feeling is that I don’t want to feel this hurt anymore, and I don’t know that I can or should get past this. I want to move on. I think I’m getting closer to being ready, but I’m still not there. But this feeling hurts really bad too, and it’s not getting any better.
Thanks for listening.
I really don’t think I’m going to be able to get past his cheating. I think I may be able to get past everything else IF he continues to not drink, and things continue the way they have for the past six weeks, but not the cheating.
I think the cheating is too much for me, especially because he still works with her on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. My heart breaks every time I drop him off at work, or pick him up, and I have to see her. I smile and wave at her, I don’t know why, but it makes me feel better when I do. She won’t give me more than a glance. She knows I know.
I usually pick him up and drop him off for lunch too (we work less than mile from each other, and he has no DL due to DUI) but last week I didn’t do that and had lunch on my own, because I just can’t stand going there. But then I wonder if he’s spending lunch with her, which is almost worse.
It helps only a little that she’s really not that attractive. Sorry.
I don’t believe anything he says when it comes to her. I’ve stopped asking him questions about his relationship with her though, because it only was making me more angry, and annoyed with myself. When I ask him, “How many times did you sleep with her? Did she talk to you today? What did you guys talk about today? Are you still having sex with her?” I don’t believe his answers, so why do I even ask? So yeah, I’ve stopped that.
I truly don't think that he is sleeping with her anymore, and I believe he did less than five times (he admits to only once though). But I do think that they have a continued friendship, or whatever, that he minimizes to me. And to me, that's just as hurtful.
I’ve stopped (really trying to stop) trying to get into his head when it comes to her, and the way he’s feeling about me and our relationship, and am focusing more on the way I am feeling about it. And well, the way I’m feeling is that I don’t want to feel this hurt anymore, and I don’t know that I can or should get past this. I want to move on. I think I’m getting closer to being ready, but I’m still not there. But this feeling hurts really bad too, and it’s not getting any better.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Im sorry kboys, its not easy. My husband did the same thing. Plus he continues to see her just like your husband. Its horrible and your mind just keeps running away thinking of things. I wish I had something better to tell you and help you, but I don't.
I finally couldnt take it any longer. I divorced and just sold my home. It kills me but he needed to grow up and act like an adult. He will never do that with me enabling him for the last 34 years. It hasnt been easy, but I am finding serenity in my new home. I haven't even been thinking or obsessing over him because I have been to busy getting my new home together.
I wish you luck and try and detach. There is nothing you can do but give it to your higher power. An A's going to do what an A's going to do. Doesnt matter what we think at all. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I finally couldnt take it any longer. I divorced and just sold my home. It kills me but he needed to grow up and act like an adult. He will never do that with me enabling him for the last 34 years. It hasnt been easy, but I am finding serenity in my new home. I haven't even been thinking or obsessing over him because I have been to busy getting my new home together.
I wish you luck and try and detach. There is nothing you can do but give it to your higher power. An A's going to do what an A's going to do. Doesnt matter what we think at all. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Thanks Maia 
Trying to detach... it is easier some days than others. What finally got you to the point that you "couldn't take it anymore"? I thought I had gotten to that point just before AH stopped drinking, but now I 'm back on the ride, and even though it's much less chaotic for now, I still am sure that I want off. But I guess I'm just not to that point again yet.
Trying to detach... it is easier some days than others. What finally got you to the point that you "couldn't take it anymore"? I thought I had gotten to that point just before AH stopped drinking, but now I 'm back on the ride, and even though it's much less chaotic for now, I still am sure that I want off. But I guess I'm just not to that point again yet.
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Hi, K, I tried to read some of your old posts to get a sense of the history of this revelation of infidelity, but I didn't quite get there. Is this something that you found out only recently? And did he tell you about it, or did you stumble on it, or what exactly happened?
If it's something you just recently found out about, then the immediate hurt is so bad that it's impossible to imagine how you could ever get past it, though I know some couples do. I'm not suggesting you HAVE to work it out with him, just that the way you feel right now might not reflect what is possible to work through.
A lot depends on his recovery, too, if any. I know some men I respect quite a bit who had incidents like this in their drinking days, that now appall them when they think about them.
You don't need to decide anything immediately. As they say in AA, "More will be revealed." And by that I mean it will gradually become clear to you what is the right thing for you. And that might be different from what would be right for someone else under the same circumstances.
Hugs,
If it's something you just recently found out about, then the immediate hurt is so bad that it's impossible to imagine how you could ever get past it, though I know some couples do. I'm not suggesting you HAVE to work it out with him, just that the way you feel right now might not reflect what is possible to work through.
A lot depends on his recovery, too, if any. I know some men I respect quite a bit who had incidents like this in their drinking days, that now appall them when they think about them.
You don't need to decide anything immediately. As they say in AA, "More will be revealed." And by that I mean it will gradually become clear to you what is the right thing for you. And that might be different from what would be right for someone else under the same circumstances.
Hugs,
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Thank you Lexie I haven't posted much about his infidelity before.
He started working with her this past May, and started with some texts in June, then on June 30, he left our house to go to her house in the middle of one of his drunk rampages. He told me when he left that night where he was going, but didn't remember having told me the next morning when he came home and tried to make up a story at first, but later admitted to it.
His relationship with her has continued on some level from there. There were other times that he went to her house when he was drinking and I told him not to come home, or when I left with the kids due to his drinking and he "couldn't stand to be at the house alone, and that was the only place I had to go." Pretty convenient for him.....
When he moved out of our house (which lasted less than two weeks) I know he was spending time with her. She was "helping him to not drink" by taking him to her house which is twenty miles from any stores so he couldn't buy alcohol, and she brought him kitchen stuff, and a bunch of other crap for his apartment. How nice of her.... such a sweet girl. gag me
So I have known about it all along as it has progressed, though I know there is a lot I don't know which leaves my mind going crazy assuming and filling in the blanks.
I think that during the time his drinking was out of control, which was (the most recent time) from May until October 3rd, I just was basically trying to get by and get myself and my kids through the day, and I wasn't really able to wrap my brain around the cheating part of it, or try to process it. But now I am, and it really really hurts.
I haven't posted much about his infidelity before. He started working with her this past May, and started with some texts in June, then on June 30, he left our house to go to her house in the middle of one of his drunk rampages. He told me when he left that night where he was going, but didn't remember having told me the next morning when he came home and tried to make up a story at first, but later admitted to it.
His relationship with her has continued on some level from there. There were other times that he went to her house when he was drinking and I told him not to come home, or when I left with the kids due to his drinking and he "couldn't stand to be at the house alone, and that was the only place I had to go." Pretty convenient for him.....
When he moved out of our house (which lasted less than two weeks) I know he was spending time with her. She was "helping him to not drink" by taking him to her house which is twenty miles from any stores so he couldn't buy alcohol, and she brought him kitchen stuff, and a bunch of other crap for his apartment. How nice of her.... such a sweet girl. gag me
So I have known about it all along as it has progressed, though I know there is a lot I don't know which leaves my mind going crazy assuming and filling in the blanks.
I think that during the time his drinking was out of control, which was (the most recent time) from May until October 3rd, I just was basically trying to get by and get myself and my kids through the day, and I wasn't really able to wrap my brain around the cheating part of it, or try to process it. But now I am, and it really really hurts.
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I'm so sorry, it sucks. Alcoholics are very selfish, especially when they are drinking.
Work on taking good care of YOU as you sort things out. I don't blame you for feeling angry and betrayed, but it isn't a reflection on you. So try not to dwell on what he's said to her, what they talk about at the office, etc. It isn't necessarily that there is some deep emotional involvement or anything. He was lashing out at you, and taking advantage of someone who would allow him to. FWIW, she might be feeling a little used, herself. I'm not asking you to excuse her, or to forgive either one of them (though forgiveness can be something we do for OURSELVES when we are ready), but it won't help you to obsess over it, either.
Do you go to Al-Anon? That can be one of the best things you can do to keep your head on straight.
Work on taking good care of YOU as you sort things out. I don't blame you for feeling angry and betrayed, but it isn't a reflection on you. So try not to dwell on what he's said to her, what they talk about at the office, etc. It isn't necessarily that there is some deep emotional involvement or anything. He was lashing out at you, and taking advantage of someone who would allow him to. FWIW, she might be feeling a little used, herself. I'm not asking you to excuse her, or to forgive either one of them (though forgiveness can be something we do for OURSELVES when we are ready), but it won't help you to obsess over it, either.
Do you go to Al-Anon? That can be one of the best things you can do to keep your head on straight.
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And tomorrow, I have to go to a training out of town for work, so I have to leave early adn get home late. AH knows he will need to find a ride. I worry he will ask her for a ride. Although she is not working tomorrow, I'm sure she would come into town anyway to give him a ride, because that's just the sweet helpful kind of gal she is. Either that, or he won't go to work at all, and he'll stay home and drink. So I was really thinking of not going to this training at all, because of those things. But I have committed myself, and I'm glad for that, and I'm going... Speaking of committing myself, yeah, sometimes as I read over what I write, I think I should be "committing myself".
He's going to do what he's going to do, no matter what I do or don't do.....
He's going to do what he's going to do, no matter what I do or don't do.....
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Thanks Lexie. I know, I have been wondering that as well, if she feels used, or angry with him. AH told me that just before he started working with her she was cheated on by her husband, which led to their separation. She has two young boys, just like we do. We could probably be friends if it wasn't for this... we have a lot in common. I don't blame her. I blame him, but I still feel a kind of anger that I am not used to feeling when I see her, and I don't like it.
I have gone to two Al-Anon meetings. Only one a week offered in my town. I hope to continue.
I have gone to two Al-Anon meetings. Only one a week offered in my town. I hope to continue.
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Kboys.....a womans professional and work side of life is very important for many reasons. I would think twice before cutting myself short in that area just because another person might misbehave.
Call me old fashioned, I guess...but I don't see where you are obligated to smile and wave to the woman your husband has been sleeping with? Even if you are doing it of your free will-----why? It is none of my business, I know... and, I am not trying to give you a hard time...I am just really curious..... Because it is such an UNUSUAL thing for a wife in your position to do.....
dandylion
Call me old fashioned, I guess...but I don't see where you are obligated to smile and wave to the woman your husband has been sleeping with? Even if you are doing it of your free will-----why? It is none of my business, I know... and, I am not trying to give you a hard time...I am just really curious..... Because it is such an UNUSUAL thing for a wife in your position to do.....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by Kboys 
I have gone to two Al-Anon meetings. Only one a week offered in my town. I hope to continue.
Not saying if you will decide to put up with him or not . . . but working these programs will help clear your mind.
You have a WHOLE lot of good stuff ahead of you, in that regard.
You have read or know of the AA Promises?
If not, for once I will not put them on here, and you and others may find more good stuff looking them up on your own.
So sorry for you and the kids. Ours have been dragged through a lot of crap, as well.
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Kboys-
It was my exAH affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.
I found Al-anon surprisingly helped with both. The skills I learned about another's alcohol use and my reaction to it was similar to what helped me with the affair. Luckily I was already connected to a great therapist and we just added another layer of healing to our sessions.
I don't know if alcohol and affairs are related in the mind of those that struggle with them, but his alcohol use and his affair both made me feel nuts, out of control, and a lot of strong emotions that I was not used to. Please know that what you are experience is hard, and uncomfortable and really normal. I was very nice to the woman my husband had an affair with for the first number of months after it happened.
One thing that helped was advice that I did not need to decide anything about the future yesterday (like I thought I did). More was revealed in my case and it made my decision for me.
I also got a lot of help from an author named Janis Abrahm Springs both on affairs and forgiveness (and permission to not forgive if I was not ready to).
It was my exAH affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.
I found Al-anon surprisingly helped with both. The skills I learned about another's alcohol use and my reaction to it was similar to what helped me with the affair. Luckily I was already connected to a great therapist and we just added another layer of healing to our sessions.
I don't know if alcohol and affairs are related in the mind of those that struggle with them, but his alcohol use and his affair both made me feel nuts, out of control, and a lot of strong emotions that I was not used to. Please know that what you are experience is hard, and uncomfortable and really normal. I was very nice to the woman my husband had an affair with for the first number of months after it happened.
One thing that helped was advice that I did not need to decide anything about the future yesterday (like I thought I did). More was revealed in my case and it made my decision for me.
I also got a lot of help from an author named Janis Abrahm Springs both on affairs and forgiveness (and permission to not forgive if I was not ready to).
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I think I'm too new to this side of the boards to comment much on this. The double whammy of alcoholism and infidelity is a fairly large emotional burden to process... I am having a hard time fathoming the pain, anguish, powerlessness, contempt, shame..etc etc you must feel.
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The cheating thing and the alcohol thing are two separate issues. I don't know if one is "worse" than the other, but I do know the combination violates so many values, confidences and trusts in relationships that for me I would not be able to stay in that relationship. I do not believe that someone having an ongoing relationship with someone is simply doing it because he is an alcoholic. He chose to cheat and chooses to continue to interact with her. He also chooses to drink. All are HIS CHOICES. Your choice is whether you continue to be in a relationship with someone who would do those things to you and your family. It sounds like you are not okay with him having done those things and continuing to do some of those things.
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It sounds as though he wants the entrée, the baked potato and double desserts.
REALLY??? since when is this behavior acceptable? He does not GET to be in a stable home environment with you and run to her when the weather climate changes by 10 degrees.
She is not "helpful", she is disrespecting you big time. He needs to make a clear choice and get a job that does not include her presence.
You clearly do not trust him and this is the foundation of any relationship. He causes you upset, turmoil and you questions every minute he is out of your site.
it's a no brainer for me anyway. His behavior is unkind to both of you and manipulative.
I would dump him and be surt he he supports his children. (I'm sorry for you, but this is no way to live)
REALLY??? since when is this behavior acceptable? He does not GET to be in a stable home environment with you and run to her when the weather climate changes by 10 degrees.
She is not "helpful", she is disrespecting you big time. He needs to make a clear choice and get a job that does not include her presence.
You clearly do not trust him and this is the foundation of any relationship. He causes you upset, turmoil and you questions every minute he is out of your site.
it's a no brainer for me anyway. His behavior is unkind to both of you and manipulative.
I would dump him and be surt he he supports his children. (I'm sorry for you, but this is no way to live)
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This triggers me because separated AH met his enabling gf at work too. She never really went away and to this day it makes me mad at myself for all the time I wasted. She worked in his HR dept of all things so he had to engage with her from time to time. I believe there were times they went without talking but she was always lingering just waiting for him to be open to her.
It is no way to live. It is painful to deal with the break down and ending of our marriage but it is better than living in uncertainty and doubt. Wondering what he was doing every day he went to work...you have to feel sorry for her as well. If she is involving herself with your husband she has her own low self esteem and issues as well.
You are the wife Kboys! You deserve to be treasured and treated properly. I am trying to raise DD6 to know her worth. I have made so many mistakes because I did not value myself. I will pray for you and your peace of mind! I know the feeling!
It is no way to live. It is painful to deal with the break down and ending of our marriage but it is better than living in uncertainty and doubt. Wondering what he was doing every day he went to work...you have to feel sorry for her as well. If she is involving herself with your husband she has her own low self esteem and issues as well.
You are the wife Kboys! You deserve to be treasured and treated properly. I am trying to raise DD6 to know her worth. I have made so many mistakes because I did not value myself. I will pray for you and your peace of mind! I know the feeling!
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Kb-
Not really sure what the breaking point was. I just figured that I had been living in Hxll for so long and it was NEVER going to change. I waited and hoped that he would hit rock bottom and get his act together but it didnt happen.
It is horrible the crxp that we tolerate with them. It really only gets worse over time. Unbelievable the stuff that he did to me. If I was on the outside looking in I would tell anyone of my friends to pack your bags. I chose not to. I was stupid. I should have done it a long time ago and maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad. But I didnt.
Anyway I have a new home with me and my dog, I close tomorrow. The new home is all mine. My bedroom, my closets, my garage. All mine, I don't have to share anything. I love being in my new home, as I didnt realize how the last couple of years I hated being home. He would come home drunk and i would hide in my bedroom, wondering where he was out drinking, or who he was with. Now I have totally detached from what his life was and I am finally living my life.
Dont get me wrong I would love to be with my Ex again, but only if he is sober and working a program. That's it. Maybe some time in the future he will hit that. But I am not sitting around with my life waiting for that to happen.
So you need to do what is best for you. Take your time and make sure you are strong enough to make the right decisions and follow through with what you finally decide. You have to be ready.....
Not really sure what the breaking point was. I just figured that I had been living in Hxll for so long and it was NEVER going to change. I waited and hoped that he would hit rock bottom and get his act together but it didnt happen.
It is horrible the crxp that we tolerate with them. It really only gets worse over time. Unbelievable the stuff that he did to me. If I was on the outside looking in I would tell anyone of my friends to pack your bags. I chose not to. I was stupid. I should have done it a long time ago and maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad. But I didnt.
Anyway I have a new home with me and my dog, I close tomorrow. The new home is all mine. My bedroom, my closets, my garage. All mine, I don't have to share anything. I love being in my new home, as I didnt realize how the last couple of years I hated being home. He would come home drunk and i would hide in my bedroom, wondering where he was out drinking, or who he was with. Now I have totally detached from what his life was and I am finally living my life.
Dont get me wrong I would love to be with my Ex again, but only if he is sober and working a program. That's it. Maybe some time in the future he will hit that. But I am not sitting around with my life waiting for that to happen.
So you need to do what is best for you. Take your time and make sure you are strong enough to make the right decisions and follow through with what you finally decide. You have to be ready.....
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Wow do I feel you there. It seems like it's hopeless to even keep working because my resentments for his cheating are completely overwhelming. Some of the boundaries that I set in the interim to keep me sane while I figure out whether or not this is too much to bear are for him to have NC. Have you considered asking AH to change jobs? My A thought he could maintain a friendship with one of his old girlfriends, and it lead exactly where you think it would. So, this would really be a sticking point with me.
And as for the minimizing, it's what addicts do. Until he is far enough along in recovery to be completely honest, he will continue to lie by omission and that in itself is enough for a complete lack of trust. So the second boundary is complete honesty or I refuse to continue in the relationship.
I think healing is possible, if both parties really work for it. But the situation you are in is not an example of him taking the kind of steps to recover. Just my opinion. Talk to him, see if you can't come to a better path.
And as for the minimizing, it's what addicts do. Until he is far enough along in recovery to be completely honest, he will continue to lie by omission and that in itself is enough for a complete lack of trust. So the second boundary is complete honesty or I refuse to continue in the relationship.
I think healing is possible, if both parties really work for it. But the situation you are in is not an example of him taking the kind of steps to recover. Just my opinion. Talk to him, see if you can't come to a better path.
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