Debbie

First let me start by saying he was sober for maybe two days because I was home and he basically stayed in bed. I knew deep down he would drink again, it was just a matter of when. I told him that. I also told him it was time to take care of myself, he was a grown man and I could babysit him 24 hours a day.

Anyway, today he called me to tell me if I called he was going to be outside fixing something, and not to worry he was fine.

Called me again later and told me he didn't fall off the roof (he sounded a bit different, can't we usually tell when they have had a drink?) and he thought he could something so the heavy rain wouldn't flood us later. Ok, what ever.

Well, last phone call right before I am leaving work he says " I might be dead when you get home" and hangs up on me. Well, that made me nervous.

So, I come home. He is no where. I go in the basement, thinking I might find him dead and he isn't there. I take a walk outside and see two 1/2 bottles of Yukon Jack.....pi$$ed me off. I dumped them. Now I am thinking maybe I shouldn't have. I told him the other night if I ever find alcohol in my home, I will dump it because I don't want it here. Do you think I should have? Now I am wondering and of course worrying because that never stops. At least my dogs were still home and he didn't loose them like he did last week.

Anyway, I would love some feedback. I guess I've rambled long enough.

Hope you all had a better day then me.

Hugs,
barbiedeb

AngelB

Hi Barbiedeb,

I'm new here myself... been reading postings for a few days now... haven't posted myself, though.

What you wrote ... well, it reminded me of how I felf when I got those phone calls. I made the same demand "... I don't want any alcohol in this house"... yeah, I poured several bottles down the drain. It felt good to be doing SOMETHING about the situation, but it didn't do the trick (as I'm sure you already know). That feeling of suspicion with the first phone call... the feeling of dread with the second... the fear of not being there to do what you can so the person you love doesn't succeed in killing himself... the anger when you see the proof of his drinking (again!)... I know those feelings well. I've been thinking about the anger, though, alot lately. I believe it stems from saddness that I'm, yet again, being lied to. I've learned in the past couple of months that an alcoholic man doesn't lie to you to be mean or hurtful... he simply can't live without the drink, yet he knows it will hurt you to know he's doing it..... so, in his bourbon-soaked mind he lies to protect you from the pain he will inevitably inflict upon you. I'm not sure that I'm really helping here....... sorry. Just thought you'd like to know that we are two of many facing this exasperating pain.

Here's something to try... I find it actually worked, though it was very hard to do (took lots of practice) and it takes along time to catch hold, but it does work eventually: no matter what he does/says, simply DO NOT REACT. Just don't react. Bite your tongue, breathe slowly, sit down and read a book... anything... don't say a word, don't slam the door, don't run to the bedroom and cry (as much as you want to). Just don't react. I think that's what is meant by "detach". It's REAL hard... but it's definitly do-able.

Chin up! Be well... there seem to be a lot of good people here. I'm sure others (more knowlegeable than I) will come to your call. :-)

Much love,
AngelB

Debbie

Hi AngelB

I kind of knew I shouldn't have dumped it after I did it but it sure did feel good.

I sure know its hard not to react. That is what I tried to do this weekend. And I have been trying to do this at work too. I usally would call him a few times a day to "check on him" (babysit from a distance) (he is on disability so no job to keep him busy). Anyway, on Monday I didn't call, it was hard. He finally called me wondering why I hadn't called and I told him I had been busy. And now I just keep saying ok, do what you want, what ever. I am not fighting with him, I am acting indifferent to him. Although that last phone call shook me up a bit. He just came home and acted like he didn't make it. Its just amazing. Not sure if he realized I dumped the YJ yet, oh well. I can't get it back for him. He actually mentioned a meeting tonight, wishful thinking on my part. I could see it as a step in the right direction for him. When he mentioned it I only said you go if you want to. If you need a ride, let me know. I wonder if that was wrong too. Maybe I shouldn't be so accommidating with that? (He doesn't have a license....to many DUIs). Don't know, this sure isn't easy, and I know I will learn as time goes on.

Anyway, there I go again, rambling on.

Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it. It makes me feel less alone in this crazy world of mine.

Take care.
Hugs
Barbiedeb

Just a little update, his friend came to pick him up for a meeting and at first he gave him every excuse why he couldn't go but then he went, praise above for the smallest miracle I don't plan on being optimistic though...I've seen it happen and then boom back down....

[This message has been edited by barbiedeb (edited March 26, 2002).]

AngelB

Him getting to a meeting would be great! It might not happen, though, so try not to expect much. It's tough not getting your hopes up, but I've found that dissapointment is a common by-product of expectation. If he mentions it again just stand by what you've said already. Just a simple "good" is the best response.

As for offering the ride... let him ASK. I am the eternal enabler... I just feel good helping people and sometimes that can be taken advantage of (even unintentionally). Don't offer anything other than support. If he brings up meetings, say "good".... If he wants to talk more detailed about that possibility, just listen. The last thing he wants to hear right now is someone agreeing that he needs help, he's gotta get there on his own. If he's talking about a meeting, then he already knows he needs to go. If he asks for a ride, by all means take him, with a smile and a hug, but ONLY if he asks.

Gotta run...

Much love,
AngelB

HOORAY!!!! This is a good thing! I'm happy for you. Take each second as comes, though.
Have a fabulous evening :-)



[This message has been edited by AngelB (edited March 26, 2002).]

Debbie

AngelB

Thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Its so hard to change my mothering ways. Going to try real hard!!!

Thanks again, have a great night!!

Hugs
Barbiedeb

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Barbiedeb, and WELCOME AngelB!

Well B,
I'm not sure that "I'll dump your liquor if you bring it in here" is the best rule to make. However... it is a rule you made. And there's a lot to be said for sticking to the rules you make. Maybe renegotiate this one?

Now AngelB, I'm afraid you rattled my cage. I simply cannot give Dino the credit of not wanting to hurt my feelings as a motivation for his lies. When he's after drugs my feelings are the last thing on his mind... except as they complicate things for him. If I'm mad he can't get money from me, or a ride,or a place to sleep or.... on and on. So the lie is to keep me from getting mad... not because I might be hurt. I won't invest a lie with nobility. A lie is a lousy thing and probably has a lousy motivation.

Hugs all around!
Smoke

Debbie

Hey Smoke!!

Let me first say I am glad I came to the meeting Sunday night, I hope to get to the one next week. I have a friend emailing me the al-anon meetings in my area (finally) so I may just make a live one soon. I am nervous about that. Less anonimitity(sp?).

Anyway, he never did comment on the lost booze, maybe he thought he drank it all. Who knows. He didn't remember that someone was coming to get him for a meeting but he went (after many excuses not to). He has never really listened to any rules I may say I have. I don't really think it was a rule. I just said I didn't want it in my house. Do you think maybe that is why it was outside?? Lord only knows how his mind works.

He came home and hasn't said two words to me. I am curious but I am vowing to myself not to say a word unless spoken to.

Oh well, time for bed. It's my busiest day at work tomorrow which is really a good thing, takes my mind off all this for a bit.

Take care all.
Hugs
Barbiedeb

Debbie

Hi Morning Glory

I know what you mean about those suicide threats being cruel. It about ripped my insides out. There have been times when I think just do it, end the pain for both of us and then I think I can't believe I am thinking this and ask God for forgiveness.

It's funny how they always manage to get be able to get the booze. He always is feeling sorry for himself for having no license. Yet he always manages to get to the booze.

I am going to try very hard not to react. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I really do think it's been having him think a bit more.

Oh well, I hope you have a great day, I need to get myself ready for work.

Take care.
Hugs
barbiedeb

ScaredInIdaho

AngelB,
Your words really hit me hard. Two nights ago I found yet another bottle hidden between our mattress and box springs. If you can believe it, I took the bottle threw it at my A, picked it up, opened it up and then poured the bottle over him and his dinner. Can you believe it?! Now that I look back on it I can see how totally juvenille I acted. If I had of been strong (or smart) enough to not react I'm sure that the fight that followed would not have happened. That's my first goal for the next week - try not to react to what is going on. Thanks for the words of advice!!

AngelB

Dear Scared,

Mid January after a horrible Christmas of constantly arguing with my A, things actually came to physical blows. I snapped... I punched him right in the face... broke his glasses... I'm not proud of it... I've never hit anyone in my life! I couldn't believe I'd done it... it wasn't planned... didn't think about it for one second... just hit him. He kept on and on about how he could never marry a woman who could be physically abusive and how he could never trust ME again! I think I actually did laugh out loud when he said that. As he watched me pack for days, he kept saying that nobody deserves to be hit, no matter what they've done/said... I told him I was sorry that I hit him, that I shouldn't have, but that he DID deserve to be hit after 4 years of emotionally abusing me. He didn't quite get that idea. A week later I moved out and he called 2 days later to say he was checking into rehab. (I'm shaking just writing all this down... wonder why I'm shaking?) Anyway, sometimes a climactic (sp?) reaction can help... he'll have 60 days sober tommorow. I heard him tell a friend over the phone that he needed a good swift kick in the ass and he got one. I'm not sure if he means me hitting him or me leaving...??? Either way, something helped him hit bottom during that last week that I was home with him. I practiced not reacting for a little more than a year... perhaps it just built up so much that I just had to let it out. Anyway, it's ok that you blew up and did what you did... now detach and see what comes of it. You made your point loud and clear... he knows how you feel and he knows he's doing wrong. Now let him figure out how to fix it.

Keep strong and have a wonderful day!

Much love,
AngelB

JT

When I read about A's lieing to protect us my first thought was Bulls**t!!They do it to protect their own skins, they do it to tell you what you want to hear. But Smoke caught that one.
And also I agree that if you told him would dump his booze then you need to follow through on that, but it might not be the best thing to do for the long hall. If he should confront you about it you could simply say that you realize now that it was not approprate and you won't be doing it again. Then leave it at that. And in the future be careful about the boundaries you set because more than likely he WILL challange them and you will be forced to back them up.

I told my H at one point after he fell and destroyed a coffee table that I am not leaving over that one table but I would't be
staying much longer waching that kind of crap. Pretty vague, but he was better for a while after that.

This program is about practice not pefection..take it easy on yourself...we are only human...fake it till you make it. If you want to react leave the room, or turn your head, or count to 10...or 100. Never forget that reacting as you always have in the past is perpetuating the whole disease. He feeds off of it, he needs it as a reason to continue justifying his drinking. It is a good place to start. If no one changes, no one changes... Paula