mischa1

I went this morning to the courthouse and got a temporary restraining order with a hearing in 3 weeks. His sister responded to my email saying please don't do restraining order that she would be the go between so we could get our stuff back (it's almost nothing but its all the ex is really worried about...his stuff...as usual). I wrote her back but did not send it. I tell her in the email that I don't have the "stuff" he wants back because it doesn't exist. he keeps asking for "stuff" that is not real. She still says he wants me back. Are you kidding me?!?!?!? You strangled me while forcing yourself on me in a car outside of my work. What part of that should I take back???? I say in the email that unless someone was going to babysit him 24/7 I can not trust him to not drink and show up at my place or work. i tell her that if I chose to get a restraining order that is my choice on my safety and I have every right to do it. Not to mention pictures of bruises. I told her she could bet on the fact that I am going to do it. I do not tell her I already did it.

Anyway...I'm going out of town tomorrow to see my friend a few hours away. My car will be gone so I hope my son is ok there but he is not even allowed within 100 yards of my apartment so as long as my kid is home (sucks for him) then he is safe. I hate to leave him but I have to get out of here. He is 20 after all, hardly a baby and he knows how to call 911 just as well as I do. I guess I will always be his mommy and he will always be my baby. My friend has a super fun weekend planned for us so I should be plenty distracted.

The sister is just trying to help me but she can't control him from the valley. No one can control him no matter where they are. She is actually on my side but says he is so far gone that he doesn't think he did anything wrong and is completely confused as to why I am doing all this. Are you kidding?!?!?! She wants to help so he can keep the phone that I pay for, I want it out of my name. Been trying to get it done for a month now. he will never do it. So she is putting it in her name - the ex will not have ANY bills in his name even though he isn't hiding from anyone (that I know about). Clearly there are several things I don't know. If I don't get help from her I am stuck with this bill for 2 more years and I can't afford any more money coming out. Or should I just shut it off and move on with life. Pay for it and just be done. You get what you have in your possession and I get what I have in my possession. i don't know. I didn't get any sleep, imagine that. I'm at work and so tired. And they are closing down where i live for Halloween so it will probably take me hours to get home. YAY!!!! UGH.

I want to say again...I DID NOT SEND THE EMAIL AND AT THIS TIME DONT INTEND TO!!

The reason I talk to his family is because I have no other help at all. I am 100% alone (except son whom I try to keep out of it as much as possible...not possible when it's outside his window) in this new city (less than 2 years, one of the biggest cities in the US) I did not think that he would see me talking to his family as me staying around. Damn. These nut jobs are hard to figure out. I just would never think this way at all so I just am having a hard time understand and doing the right thing. Plus all the emotions and blah blah blah.

I will not break the RO. No worries there. Being strangled while he forced himself on me was not pleasant and I don't wish to ever do it again. If I break the RO it WILL happen again. Just as everything everyone has told me will happen did. I get it. I just had to get there on my own just like everyone else did. At least I did it. A little late but still in time.

biminiblue

Ugh. I feel for you. If it were me, I'd shut off his phone. Not your problem any more.

I wouldn't send any written messages to anyone in his family. At some point they could show them to him.

Family is family and it's possible they are going to turn on you - she may be milking you for information - just be cautious.

Great job on filing for a TRO.

I hope you enjoy the weekend away from Crazypantsistan.

mischa1

I wouldn't care if they showed him everything. I have told him the exact same things 100 times. I think your right biminiblue. I should just shut it off and go from there. Not my problem. I think I will wait a week or so until I feel comfortable that the TRO will work. So weird. I still can't believe it is all happening. My marriage of 3 months. I'm heartbroken and it's all I can do to not break down right now at work. Work has been awesome though. I didn't expect that.

lillamy

How is your RO written? The standard ones where I lived included that he could not contact me through other people -- if that's included in yours, you should definitely cut off contact with his sister.

And I have to say this. Have to. I don't want to be a scarecrow but a restraining order is only a piece of paper.. IF he has any sense, he will know that violating a restraining order kicks his offense up to a felony (in most states). HOWEVER -- given that he hasn't shown much sense in the past, I really, really implore you to be very careful.

My AXH violated his RO and I was too chicken to report it. And that didn't work so well, because that only told him that the RO meant nothing and that I wasn't willing to call the cops when he showed up at my house.

If he does -- don't wait. Call immediately.

biminiblue

Yeah, we talked about the TRO not being worth a whole lot in her other thread.

When I was talking to the police about one, I found out about my ex's record. I was at the police station and they pulled up a six page record of previous offenses, including some violent ones. Turned out he was on probation at the time I was having problems with him. If I had gotten a TRO, he could have been violated just based on having a TRO. It was a tough decision for me, I knew he could find me and get to me before the police could find him but he had threatened me. All of it is just mind-boggling to people who haven't had to consider a TRO. I told the police, "A TRO is just going to majorly p!ss this guy off.. I'm not sure I want to do that. You guys can't watch me 24/7, and he feels like he has to get even."

I was looking over my shoulder, kept my curtains closed, bought a new deadbolt, carried mace, and never walked to my car alone, etc. for months.

LexieCat

TROs have their virtues--primary of which is that the police can arrest based on simple contact before it escalates to something more serious. But each person has to evaluate for herself what is safest to do. Though a good DV advocate can certainly help in the decision-making process!

mischa1

This is the right move for me. If he violates it's a felony. He will. I fully expect it. They classify DV ROs different here when a call comes in and someone has one it becomes an emergency. I live less than a mile from the police station and there are cops everywhere here. I live I. The heart of a very big city. His sister is all passed off that I am no longer answering. I'm having him served tomorrow so as of then I'm protected. When he violates and goes to jail I will be safe.

lillamy

Sorry, I missed that in the other thread. It's a scary situation to be in -- but you sound like you're level-headed about it. Stay safe!