I just asked my addict to leave. He refused and wants the kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 4
I just asked my addict to leave. He refused and wants the kids.
I came on here earlier because I was really debating holding on for another 2 years but I don't think that would be possible after today.
He asked me to sit down and talk with him so I did. I could tell from the get go that he was on the offensive. I hadn't talked to him for three days since his little drunk meltdown. All I heard from his mouth was how all this was my fault. Everything. I caused everything. I put too much pressure on him to be perfect. I nag him too much. I'm crazy. Blah Blah Blah. Every single time he starts his little fights like this he always ends up saying: "You can do what you have to do . I'm ok with whatever". This time I asked him how many times over the last decade has he said "What can I do to help resolve this ongoing problem". NONE.
I also asked him clear cut: You either choose your family or your drinking. His response after about 5 minutes of making no sense whatsoever (He had been drinking earlier) was: "Of course I choose my family but you can't force me to do anything that I don't want to do." EXACTLY.
I also told him something very valuable that I learned here today:
I am not the CAUSE for your problem.
I cannot CURE your problem
I cannot CONTROL your problem.
SO STOP BLAMING ME for your problem!!
The look on his face was priceless.
At this point, he started walking away as he's done before. I asked him to stop because I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page before he went to sleep. I told him that given his inability to take responsibility for anything that he's done, we simply can no longer function as husband and wife. I was no longer willing to waste the rest of my life waiting for him to recognize his drinking problem. And I finally asked him to leave.
He laughed at me and said that I should leave instead, leaving the 2 girls to him....a lifelong closet alcoholic.
I was NOT EVEN GOING TO GO THERE about the girls with him.
While he was still blabing on about finances and selling all our assets and how he was going to go to some mountain and get lost, I said goodnight, closed the door and went to my bedroom.
But now I am in a bind. How do I face this man tomorrow? How can I get him to leave?? Have I just jumped into a dark abyss of even more pain and possible regret?
I love him (still, sad I know) so much and it took every single inch of me to ask him to leave. I felt that if I didn't do this I was just going to go into the "just turn a blind eye" cycle again.
I also found out today that he uses my 12 year old daughter as his personal therapist, telling her all the marital issues that are happening. His excuse for this is that he just wants to be as honest as possible with her. I asked her if he told her why he had a fit last night and broke his phone. She said that he didn't but that she asked him if he was drunk again. Of course he denied it but went on to blame the incident on "your mother's behavior". The truth is he wasn't "honest" with her because he only tells her whats convenient to him.
If he decides that he is not going, I will leave and I'm taking the girls with me to my mothers house. I finally had another breakthrough today....I reached out to my family and asked for help. My mothers exact words: "Honey, I have been waiting for you to open up to me about this and I'm at your disposal for anything you need." My mom knew that I was going to talk to him and she offered her full support. It felt more encouraged to go through with this.
Has anyone else had this experience where the addict won't leave and has threatened to take the kids? Besides just extreme sadness (I've cried for about 4 days straight and barely eaten a bite of anything), confusion and fear, I am now starting to feel intimidated also. How am I supposed to put on a "normal" face for my two girls??
He asked me to sit down and talk with him so I did. I could tell from the get go that he was on the offensive. I hadn't talked to him for three days since his little drunk meltdown. All I heard from his mouth was how all this was my fault. Everything. I caused everything. I put too much pressure on him to be perfect. I nag him too much. I'm crazy. Blah Blah Blah. Every single time he starts his little fights like this he always ends up saying: "You can do what you have to do . I'm ok with whatever". This time I asked him how many times over the last decade has he said "What can I do to help resolve this ongoing problem". NONE.
I also asked him clear cut: You either choose your family or your drinking. His response after about 5 minutes of making no sense whatsoever (He had been drinking earlier) was: "Of course I choose my family but you can't force me to do anything that I don't want to do." EXACTLY.
I also told him something very valuable that I learned here today:
I am not the CAUSE for your problem.
I cannot CURE your problem
I cannot CONTROL your problem.
SO STOP BLAMING ME for your problem!!
The look on his face was priceless.
At this point, he started walking away as he's done before. I asked him to stop because I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page before he went to sleep. I told him that given his inability to take responsibility for anything that he's done, we simply can no longer function as husband and wife. I was no longer willing to waste the rest of my life waiting for him to recognize his drinking problem. And I finally asked him to leave.
He laughed at me and said that I should leave instead, leaving the 2 girls to him....a lifelong closet alcoholic.
I was NOT EVEN GOING TO GO THERE about the girls with him.
While he was still blabing on about finances and selling all our assets and how he was going to go to some mountain and get lost, I said goodnight, closed the door and went to my bedroom.
But now I am in a bind. How do I face this man tomorrow? How can I get him to leave?? Have I just jumped into a dark abyss of even more pain and possible regret?
I love him (still, sad I know) so much and it took every single inch of me to ask him to leave. I felt that if I didn't do this I was just going to go into the "just turn a blind eye" cycle again.
I also found out today that he uses my 12 year old daughter as his personal therapist, telling her all the marital issues that are happening. His excuse for this is that he just wants to be as honest as possible with her. I asked her if he told her why he had a fit last night and broke his phone. She said that he didn't but that she asked him if he was drunk again. Of course he denied it but went on to blame the incident on "your mother's behavior". The truth is he wasn't "honest" with her because he only tells her whats convenient to him.
If he decides that he is not going, I will leave and I'm taking the girls with me to my mothers house. I finally had another breakthrough today....I reached out to my family and asked for help. My mothers exact words: "Honey, I have been waiting for you to open up to me about this and I'm at your disposal for anything you need." My mom knew that I was going to talk to him and she offered her full support. It felt more encouraged to go through with this.
Has anyone else had this experience where the addict won't leave and has threatened to take the kids? Besides just extreme sadness (I've cried for about 4 days straight and barely eaten a bite of anything), confusion and fear, I am now starting to feel intimidated also. How am I supposed to put on a "normal" face for my two girls??
Last edited by YolaniH; 10-05-2014 at 11:01 PM. Reason: Forgot a part
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
I never asked mine to leave, I just took the kids and went. There were lots of threats, and still are, to some degree, but I've found that he doesn't really seem to want them. The threats are to hurt and frighten us. It's a lot of work to deal with hurt and angry kids, and mostly they want to drink, or use, or both in my AH's case. You leaving will be a probably be a great new excuse to do that.
If you can, take some time to read through the "quacking" thread. Someone told me about it and it helps a lot to see all the things As come up with to bully us and justify what they're doing. I think taking the girls to your mom's sounds like the best idea if he wants to fight you on things. You do not want things to escalate. Hopefully he'll leave, at least for work tomorrow and you can make a plan from there. If you are scared, maybe let your mother or someone know what's going on so you have some backup. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, have a phone close.
You'll do fine for your girls, it's really amazing how we can hold it together when we need to for our kids. You were brave and you stood your ground, but you'll probably have some panic and regret, I had lots! It's normal, this is a big, frightening thing you're doing, and even if you know deep inside that it's the right thing, it's still really hard too.
Good luck tomorrow! Remember we are here for you, no matter what, and we know how hard these choices are.
If you can, take some time to read through the "quacking" thread. Someone told me about it and it helps a lot to see all the things As come up with to bully us and justify what they're doing. I think taking the girls to your mom's sounds like the best idea if he wants to fight you on things. You do not want things to escalate. Hopefully he'll leave, at least for work tomorrow and you can make a plan from there. If you are scared, maybe let your mother or someone know what's going on so you have some backup. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, have a phone close.
You'll do fine for your girls, it's really amazing how we can hold it together when we need to for our kids. You were brave and you stood your ground, but you'll probably have some panic and regret, I had lots! It's normal, this is a big, frightening thing you're doing, and even if you know deep inside that it's the right thing, it's still really hard too.
Good luck tomorrow! Remember we are here for you, no matter what, and we know how hard these choices are.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Calmwater 
There were lots of threats, and still are, to some degree, but I've found that he doesn't really seem to want them. The threats are to hurt and frighten us.
My ex alcoholic husband used to and still does make many threats. He has never carried any of them out. At the time though, when we were together and recently separated, I believed him.
Since then, I've learned that they use these threats to try to control us. It works when we are mired in the depths of co-dependency. It worked on me, then.
When he threatens me now, I still immediately react with fear and horror. Afterwards however, I can allow my rational mind to take over and realize that he was just using threats to try to intimidate and control me.
Don't believe their words, believe their actions. It is rare that the two match.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
My AH says similar things in the heat of the moment, but I have no doubt that he is TERRIFIED at the thought of having to single parent our son, even for a few hours a day. It would not surprise me one bit if my AH fights tooth and nail for 50/50 placement, then slowly starts giving up his time because of this excuse or that excuse.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Go see a lawyer and ask how to make him leave. Every state has different rules and this will be less of a mountain for you when you know what will be required.
((hugs)) I have been there, too. It's going to be okay. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
((hugs)) I have been there, too. It's going to be okay. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
My exabf threatened to take our dd. That's why I didn't leave sooner. Then I realized he couldn't handle it, even if he actually wanted to take care of her fulltime.
He still threatens it, threatens to come to the house and take her (shes in preschool, he doesn't know) and he says he will only agree to 50/50 custody. But that's only because he doesn't want to pay child support (which, he will have to any way because he makes 3x what I make.). Most of it I have realized are just threats. He likes to control by fear.
You have to realize that you don't have to agree. You can say no. I still shake when I tell him no, even if its just by a text.
Be brave!
He still threatens it, threatens to come to the house and take her (shes in preschool, he doesn't know) and he says he will only agree to 50/50 custody. But that's only because he doesn't want to pay child support (which, he will have to any way because he makes 3x what I make.). Most of it I have realized are just threats. He likes to control by fear.
You have to realize that you don't have to agree. You can say no. I still shake when I tell him no, even if its just by a text.
Be brave!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'd be really surprised if he chose to pursue this after waking this morning & more inclined to predict he would try to just ignore that you ever had a conversation about it at all.
It sounds like a lot of sound & fury to me, no real content or anything or value there, on his side. He's likely just blowing up on you to try to intimidate you into changing your mind. I don't believe he really means a single word of it, personally.
The part that upsets me is him going to your DD12 & drunkenly crying on her shoulder about your marital problems. That is NOT ok & she needs a healthy outlet to talk about being put in the middle of the two of you like this..... does she see a counselor or have you thought about Ala-teen for her? ((((HUGS)))) & welcome to the forum, please keep posting!
It sounds like a lot of sound & fury to me, no real content or anything or value there, on his side. He's likely just blowing up on you to try to intimidate you into changing your mind. I don't believe he really means a single word of it, personally.
The part that upsets me is him going to your DD12 & drunkenly crying on her shoulder about your marital problems. That is NOT ok & she needs a healthy outlet to talk about being put in the middle of the two of you like this..... does she see a counselor or have you thought about Ala-teen for her? ((((HUGS)))) & welcome to the forum, please keep posting!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My ex refused to leave when I asked him to as well. I went to talk to a lawyer. They helped me put together a plan where he would leave on his own or with a police escort but he would leave.
There was lots of talk about the kids, and lots of fear (mine), but in the end there was no fight.
Wishing you the best...
There was lots of talk about the kids, and lots of fear (mine), but in the end there was no fight.
Wishing you the best...
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