I am now afraid that I have a problem with A as well
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
I am now afraid that I have a problem with A as well
At first, I thought it was all his issue. I am thinking differently now. I have always enjoyed social drinking and perhaps a little too much at times but it never was detrimental to my life. With my ex, my drinking increased vastly.
Since we broke up, we have had several interactions, since we live near each other and do love each other and I have to admit that each time there was an ugly argument, I was also drinking AND my anger was increasing each time.
We had a good few days this past week, but last night was, I am thinking, a most horrible and egregious bottom. I went to watch football at the local bar, because I couldn't get the game at home. I actually ordered a Grand Marnier with my beer while watching football. I hardly ever drink liquor because I know I don't handle it well. I don't know why I made that choice. I don't usually drink like that. And then he showed up and was definitely drinking heavily as well. He, however, can drink 10 doubles and hardly sway.
We argued when we got home. He did the emotional switch from "oh, we are great and you are great" to "so I dropped the pizza you just bought on the floor and now it is ruined, do you really expect me to show any concern about the waste of your money?" ...and I began to get irritated. Why didn't I just leave? Why didn't I just walk away? We argued a little - no loud voices or anything- and then he told me to get the eff out. I became so much more angry. The push and pull- the episode after episode of me allowing myself to be second to everything all the time. Falling for it over and over again.
And this time, I actually acted out physically. I am not proud and I am not happy with myself. I guess it has been boiling up. Don't get me wrong, no one is hurt but I did slap him and banged on the door and took all the things I had ever given him and either threw them out the door or took them to my house... I was awful. And I know that it would not have happened if I was not drinking. I am not a violent person. There is this hurt and anger that has been building (oh yes, the Codi anger) and I unleashed it. I feel horrible and embarrassed. I am scared, because he could have me arrested. I am scared because I drank and did the same things that I have come here to not experience from others. I am scared and I am confused. He called me an effing psychopathic b- and that kind of shook me. When did I become this crazy lunatic?
So what do you all think?
Since we broke up, we have had several interactions, since we live near each other and do love each other and I have to admit that each time there was an ugly argument, I was also drinking AND my anger was increasing each time.
We had a good few days this past week, but last night was, I am thinking, a most horrible and egregious bottom. I went to watch football at the local bar, because I couldn't get the game at home. I actually ordered a Grand Marnier with my beer while watching football. I hardly ever drink liquor because I know I don't handle it well. I don't know why I made that choice. I don't usually drink like that. And then he showed up and was definitely drinking heavily as well. He, however, can drink 10 doubles and hardly sway.
We argued when we got home. He did the emotional switch from "oh, we are great and you are great" to "so I dropped the pizza you just bought on the floor and now it is ruined, do you really expect me to show any concern about the waste of your money?" ...and I began to get irritated. Why didn't I just leave? Why didn't I just walk away? We argued a little - no loud voices or anything- and then he told me to get the eff out. I became so much more angry. The push and pull- the episode after episode of me allowing myself to be second to everything all the time. Falling for it over and over again.
And this time, I actually acted out physically. I am not proud and I am not happy with myself. I guess it has been boiling up. Don't get me wrong, no one is hurt but I did slap him and banged on the door and took all the things I had ever given him and either threw them out the door or took them to my house... I was awful. And I know that it would not have happened if I was not drinking. I am not a violent person. There is this hurt and anger that has been building (oh yes, the Codi anger) and I unleashed it. I feel horrible and embarrassed. I am scared, because he could have me arrested. I am scared because I drank and did the same things that I have come here to not experience from others. I am scared and I am confused. He called me an effing psychopathic b- and that kind of shook me. When did I become this crazy lunatic?
So what do you all think?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Timeiskey....this is what happens when a person is trying to cope with or control the chaos
and dysfunction in a relationship with an alcoholic. It gets worse and more difficult as time goes on.
Then, you wake up one day and say.....damn! I am getting just as crazy...if not crazier that the A.!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the Universe informing you that it is time to "check yourself before you wreck yourself". Changes...big changes...need to be made....asap.
My thoughts on your drinking: No mas. No more. I suggest that you give yourself a six-week litmus test. Resolve to drink not one drop of alcohol for 6wks. This is key: Observe yourself during this time (and keep a journal, if you like). See if you find yourself mentally preoccupied with wanting to have a drink (even though you are n ot drinking). Especially...after the first two weeks. Many people who are truly alcoholic can go for periods of time--sometimes, very LONG periods of time without drinking. IT IS THE MENTAL PREOCCUPATION that is the real red flag that there might be a problem.
In any case..you are at risk to drink around him. For one thing, alcohol will lower your inhibitions...and, you don't need that to pour gasoline onto the fire.
For today...forgive yourself...you can't change what has already happened. Resolve to never resort to physical acting out, ever again. Make your amends when the time is right to do so.
Next step...I recommend "dandylion's trifecta"---alanon; personal counselor; read "Co-Dependent No More" (if you haven't already).
Often, our greatest progress is made in time of crisis....
dandylion
and dysfunction in a relationship with an alcoholic. It gets worse and more difficult as time goes on.
Then, you wake up one day and say.....damn! I am getting just as crazy...if not crazier that the A.!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the Universe informing you that it is time to "check yourself before you wreck yourself". Changes...big changes...need to be made....asap.
My thoughts on your drinking: No mas. No more. I suggest that you give yourself a six-week litmus test. Resolve to drink not one drop of alcohol for 6wks. This is key: Observe yourself during this time (and keep a journal, if you like). See if you find yourself mentally preoccupied with wanting to have a drink (even though you are n ot drinking). Especially...after the first two weeks. Many people who are truly alcoholic can go for periods of time--sometimes, very LONG periods of time without drinking. IT IS THE MENTAL PREOCCUPATION that is the real red flag that there might be a problem.
In any case..you are at risk to drink around him. For one thing, alcohol will lower your inhibitions...and, you don't need that to pour gasoline onto the fire.
For today...forgive yourself...you can't change what has already happened. Resolve to never resort to physical acting out, ever again. Make your amends when the time is right to do so.
Next step...I recommend "dandylion's trifecta"---alanon; personal counselor; read "Co-Dependent No More" (if you haven't already).
Often, our greatest progress is made in time of crisis....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Lady- I don't know... I actually found myself warning myself last week about him. I have seen him around and we were able to have decent conversations that were friendly. In my mind, I started wondering if I hadn't blown his drinking out of proportion. He comes off as so together and kind and wonderful. I told myself last week, "you know that now you are actually removed, you just don't see what really is going on"... but I forgot that and it just sort of progressed from there.
I scared myself last night and as we all talk about and work on focusing on ourselves instead of our A's... well, my behavior, in reflection, demands my attention. I wish him all the good will but I find myself falling down the drain right after him and I don't want to go that route. I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to become an independent and successful person and I have put it in jeopardy. That scares me and changes the game... or lack thereof.
I scared myself last night and as we all talk about and work on focusing on ourselves instead of our A's... well, my behavior, in reflection, demands my attention. I wish him all the good will but I find myself falling down the drain right after him and I don't want to go that route. I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to become an independent and successful person and I have put it in jeopardy. That scares me and changes the game... or lack thereof.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
For me, defining myself as an alcoholic had to do simply with my behavior under the influence of alcohol. I've never even had hard liquor (beer and wine, only). But I know I am an alcoholic, because I drink to excess and have - on a few very disturbing occasions - unleashed rage on boyfriends. I haven't gotten physical directly, but my words and behaviors are shameful and abhorrent.
Some folks might define this as a "problem drinker" or suggest that I needed therapy to address my withheld anger. I knew inside that the two things were connected, and that I needed to be fully sober before I could do the work of understanding my relationship behaviors.
I am in recovery; I have gotten very involved in aa. I am learning a great deal about myself and my relationship "stuff" through working the steps and having great exchanges with other women who know and understand. I have decided that - for now - I need to not be in a new relationship (not dating) and am no contact with the last. I am trying to heal myself, and my behavior is not ok to inflict on someone else.
My suggestion is that, having gotten that far out of control, you need to immediately stop drinking. Completely. Whether you think you need a support community for that or not, I would consider getting active in a 12 step program or therapy. While you do this work, you should not be in contact with your ex. It sounds like you are toxic and dangerous to each other.
I read a great posting in the alcoholic half of the forum the other day (I think in the newcomers section) - a story of a woman who blacks out drunk (and for whom that was not a typical response to alcohol) and then wakes up from the black out holding a kitchen knife which is embedded in the chest of her beloved boyfriend, with whom she had apparently been drunkenly arguing. He died and she was charged with murder.
If you are drinking to a point in which you cannot control your actions and are behaving in ways that "are not you" then you need to stop drinking. It is profoundly dangerous - to you and to others.
I wish you the best with this. My rage all came tumbling out under the influence of alcohol. There's nothing wrong with feeling angry. There is something wrong with having no control over your actions inside of it.
Some folks might define this as a "problem drinker" or suggest that I needed therapy to address my withheld anger. I knew inside that the two things were connected, and that I needed to be fully sober before I could do the work of understanding my relationship behaviors.
I am in recovery; I have gotten very involved in aa. I am learning a great deal about myself and my relationship "stuff" through working the steps and having great exchanges with other women who know and understand. I have decided that - for now - I need to not be in a new relationship (not dating) and am no contact with the last. I am trying to heal myself, and my behavior is not ok to inflict on someone else.
My suggestion is that, having gotten that far out of control, you need to immediately stop drinking. Completely. Whether you think you need a support community for that or not, I would consider getting active in a 12 step program or therapy. While you do this work, you should not be in contact with your ex. It sounds like you are toxic and dangerous to each other.
I read a great posting in the alcoholic half of the forum the other day (I think in the newcomers section) - a story of a woman who blacks out drunk (and for whom that was not a typical response to alcohol) and then wakes up from the black out holding a kitchen knife which is embedded in the chest of her beloved boyfriend, with whom she had apparently been drunkenly arguing. He died and she was charged with murder.
If you are drinking to a point in which you cannot control your actions and are behaving in ways that "are not you" then you need to stop drinking. It is profoundly dangerous - to you and to others.
I wish you the best with this. My rage all came tumbling out under the influence of alcohol. There's nothing wrong with feeling angry. There is something wrong with having no control over your actions inside of it.
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