MsGrace

Breakfast...it doesn't matter what he says. One can never know the depth of lying, and manipulation of an alcoholic...don't second guess it. Really. It's all quacking. You don't need to...and shouldn't debate anything with him. Just be clear, communicate, take an action and stick with it. I agree with another poster...go seek legal help right away. My AH was hell bent on destroying me financially...a financial restraining order prevented that. Don't wait on that....know what your legal rights are in the State you will be residing.

And ...you don't fully understand the parable. He's pushing you out of the way to get to the surface: the surface, to an alcoholic is DRINK...not you!!!

AnvilheadII

holing up in the hotel for days or weeks on end leads me to suspect MORE than just drinking is going on. regardless, those are not the actions of a person committed to being married.

often we set up situation in our adult lives to attempt to work thru unresolved situations from our past. you said that both current and former husband had a patter of leaving, often. who else left you? who else are you wishing would STAY this time?

NYCDoglvr

Please, it's not you! Alcoholism/addiction are mental illnesses and in describing your husband you describe a typical alcoholic. I recommend Alanon, where I learned to give up relationships that were dysfunctional. Suggest reading 'Codependent No More", which is a tough but brilliant book that helps us recover and start picking healthier people.

God bless, I'm so sorry you're in such a painful place. I've been there and know how painful this is. God bless.

breakfasthere

MsGrace, my mind is a little blown now. I don't even know how to fully process that parable. But it's terrifying. It's like, I see it the exact opposite way. I guess that's why he's the alcoholic and I'm not.

breakfasthere

Anvil, perhaps I should explain further. He works on the road, so it was pretty common for him to be gone during the week and come home weekends. When he drinks he can't...function, shall we say. So I don't believe he's having an affair or anything like that. He is a workaholic in addition to being an alcoholic. So he busts his hump all day at work and then goes to his room and drinks himself into oblivion. He's never been in a serious relationship before me, in fact he was single most of the time. But who knows.

breakfasthere

I'm not sure how to answer this. My dad was gone a LOT when I was growing up because he was in the army. But that was just the nature of his job, I never took it as anything but.

MsGrace

You brought up another point....my ex had this pattern too. I learned from "Under the Influence" that the brain damage that occurs from drinking destroys the neurotransmitters from brain to penis...so many, if not most alcoholics will be impotent...sooner, or later. The more and longer they drink, the more pronounced.

BUT .... this is not your biggest issue. Taking good care of yourself, getting the support you need, and protecting yourself legally are where you need to put your attention. Best of luck to you...my heart goes out to you.

breakfasthere

MsGrace, I think it's a common problem. I think it's probably the reason he is sterile, as well. It's heartbreaking. He doesn't see how negatively this is affecting him. I found out from his sister that at his last physical they found protein in his urine too. That could be a whole host of problems. When I asked him about it he brushed it off like it was no big deal. The denial is strong with this one. In the last year, his twin was hospitalized with pancreatitis. Another brother has been hospitalized with hypertension. They're all in their early 30s! It's insane.

redatlanta

In Florida, as in all states, YOU can file for divorce without the agreement of your spouse. He can contest the divorce if he wants to - that really means he is contesting the agreement of splitting of assets. He can't stop you from divorcing him.

Before you move understand that if you do not meet residency requirements you cannot file for divorce in Florida. Not sure what residency requirements are in Washington before filing most likely 6 months to a year.

Ultimatums don't work. Alcoholism is a baffling disease. Without recovery he will always choose to drink. Its not personal. Sounds like he is playing a game of chicken with you. I know he may be wonderful when he is sober - but you can't base a marriage on "when". He has told you he will not seek recovery. Believe him. That is how you push past this. He is telling you its not going to change.

I am sorry you are going through this!

FeelingGreat

Breakfast, go ahead with your plans to move and divorce him. He's burying his head in the sand hoping you'll just stay and he can go on drinking. You won't get any help from him but you will be able to divorce.
I don't want to be too pessimistic, but if his twin is an active drinking partner the chances of him staying sober are even less than normal. That can be a pretty strong bond, and his twin has a strong motive for keeping him away from you.