At an enormous crossroads
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Washington
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At an enormous crossroads
My husband left me. Again. He's holed up in a hotel room with his twin brother getting wasted. I'm devastated. It's been a long road. I moved clear across the country for him and married him just so he can come home and play house when he feels like it. I gave him all the love I had. He's gotten sober for periods of time but always relapses. This last relapse has been the worst. 7 weeks and going strong. I'm moving to the other side of the country on Monday to live with my parents. I tried to get him to file for divorce with me yesterday but he said he wants to stay married, he wants to be with me. But if I get emotional he leaves and goes and gets drunk. Sometimes alone, sometimes with his twin brother (who hates me btw). There is no contact when he's drinking. It lasts days or weeks at a time. He says he wants to join me in my move. I said only if he gets help. He says no but won't give me a divorce! When he's sober he's a wonderful man. I love him so much. I really do. What is going on?!?!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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He is an alcoholic so that is what's going on. It defies logic and reason.
Talk to an attorney about the divorce. Each state is different. I discovered that if I wanted a divorce, I'd get one. He didn't have to agree.
So sorry for your situation. Lots of good stickies at the top of the forum.
Talk to an attorney about the divorce. Each state is different. I discovered that if I wanted a divorce, I'd get one. He didn't have to agree.
So sorry for your situation. Lots of good stickies at the top of the forum.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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breakfasthere....those were the old days...when one spoke of another "giving" or "granting" a divorce to their spouse.
These days...anyone can get a divorce that wants one. I will give you a website that tells you how to go about that: www.womansdivorce.com
I can tell, that , like most people, you don't really know much about alcoholism. Don't feel bad, though--nobody does until they have to learn...LOL!!
When you are lilving with a drinking alcoholic---you get sucked into the disease as much as they do---and you enter into a "dance" of dysfunction right along with them (almost always, unknowingly).
It is a horrible way to live...and nobody deserves to be put through that.
You have come to a good place to get an education on what is going on in your l ife. Start with the "stickies"--the articles at the top of the main page.
I say "Best of Luck" with your move.....you gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!
Let the learning begin......!
dandylion
These days...anyone can get a divorce that wants one. I will give you a website that tells you how to go about that: www.womansdivorce.com
I can tell, that , like most people, you don't really know much about alcoholism. Don't feel bad, though--nobody does until they have to learn...LOL!!
When you are lilving with a drinking alcoholic---you get sucked into the disease as much as they do---and you enter into a "dance" of dysfunction right along with them (almost always, unknowingly).
It is a horrible way to live...and nobody deserves to be put through that.
You have come to a good place to get an education on what is going on in your l ife. Start with the "stickies"--the articles at the top of the main page.
I say "Best of Luck" with your move.....you gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!
Let the learning begin......!
dandylion
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I'm sorry, Breakfasthere, it sounds like a mess.
I think you're not so much at a crossroads as at a dead end. He does what he wants when he wants, and doesn't even have the decency of making the divorce process simple for you. That's not a marriage. The quicker you put him and his evil twin in your rearview mirror the quicker you can start healing.
I think you're not so much at a crossroads as at a dead end. He does what he wants when he wants, and doesn't even have the decency of making the divorce process simple for you. That's not a marriage. The quicker you put him and his evil twin in your rearview mirror the quicker you can start healing.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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I lived with a chronic relapser for years and listened to his promises of change over and over and over again. Now we have been separated for over 4 years and he is still on that roller coaster of drinking and times of brief sobriety.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. And statistically he will not change most likely. He will never change unless he wants to change desperately with every inch of his being. Clearly that is not on his agenda...
He doesn't sound like relationship material to me under the current circumstances. Could you go home across the country and tell him if he gets sober for a year you will go on a date and see if there is still a spark? That is what I told my XA 4 years ago and he cannot make it a year sober if his life depended on it...he likes to drink toooo much!
He is in rehab right now in fact. Be out in 4 months. That's just geography. I will go on a date with him if he is sober and in recovery still on September 1, 2015. I love him awful but they are not worth a nickel if their drinking...just the way it is.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. And statistically he will not change most likely. He will never change unless he wants to change desperately with every inch of his being. Clearly that is not on his agenda...
He doesn't sound like relationship material to me under the current circumstances. Could you go home across the country and tell him if he gets sober for a year you will go on a date and see if there is still a spark? That is what I told my XA 4 years ago and he cannot make it a year sober if his life depended on it...he likes to drink toooo much!
He is in rehab right now in fact. Be out in 4 months. That's just geography. I will go on a date with him if he is sober and in recovery still on September 1, 2015. I love him awful but they are not worth a nickel if their drinking...just the way it is.
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Thank you to all of those that responded. Honestly, I don't want a divorce but if he's not going to get better then I have no choice. He was actually doing really well in his recovery until 7 weeks ago, when he found out he was sterile. He's been a mess since then. His co-worker told me that he said, "if I can't give her a baby then I'm just holding her back." And that if he couldn't have me, he'd just rather be drunk and alone. I told him yesterday that he was enough for me, but he had to get better in order for this to work, and if he wasn't willing to do that, I want a divorce. He truly believes that we'll just magically get back together. I know that once I leave one of two things will happen: he'll either get worse or get better. I'm unfortunately betting on the former. All of his siblings are alcoholics, his sister being the only sober one. She says she knows he wants to get sober but doesn't believe in himself.
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Hi Breakfasthere. My story is very similar to yours so I wanted to share. A huge part of my STBXAH's alcoholism turned out to be this "need to escape". It started out the same way as with your AH. He'd go on binges then come back, be sorry and wanted to rejoin the family.
Well, the escapism became worse to the point where he couldn't handle ANYTHING -he'd leave if he didn't get what he wanted or if he was angry. He:'d leave work to drink and golf and because he needed to get away from the office. I'm sure it was because he made himself virtually useless at work. Slept in the basement with ear buds listening to sports or music.
All this is to say it would be a LONG road even if he gets sober. The need to escape is even bigger than the need to drink.
Well, the escapism became worse to the point where he couldn't handle ANYTHING -he'd leave if he didn't get what he wanted or if he was angry. He:'d leave work to drink and golf and because he needed to get away from the office. I'm sure it was because he made himself virtually useless at work. Slept in the basement with ear buds listening to sports or music.
All this is to say it would be a LONG road even if he gets sober. The need to escape is even bigger than the need to drink.
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Flavia2, this makes perfect sense. Sad thing is, I was married once before and he would escape too. I'd really like to know what makes me so unbearable! I'm a good woman; I know I'm worth more than this. But the thing that holds me back is the feeling that we have soul ties. Cheesy yes, but I really felt and still feel it. He is a highly sensitive person but tries to hide it. He had a nightmare for a childhood (seriously his parents belong in prison) and has told me that he cried so much in his youth and witnessed so much suffering that he can't handle either now. It makes me really sad.
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Originally Posted by breakfasthere 
I know that once I leave one of two things will happen: he'll either get worse or get better.
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Not you; you aren't unbearable. You are probably picking guys who aren't capable of a healthy relationship. It's about THEM but we feel like "Oh if I was just nicer or more patient or thinner or prettier or more accomplished,,,,)
I know that I've picked guys who are like this. In my case it was that my dad abandoned our family of 4 kids (and went to live with another woman and her kids) and subconsciously I was trying to "fix" that about myself. I used to really hate myself and feel worthless because of the abandonment, but now I see it was just because he was a selfish person.
None of it is about you. The "soul ties" doesn't sound cheesy but will probably weaken as things get farther along. I used to feel like that TS song "I'm only me when I'm with you" That caused me to hang on to a bad situation way too long.
I know that I've picked guys who are like this. In my case it was that my dad abandoned our family of 4 kids (and went to live with another woman and her kids) and subconsciously I was trying to "fix" that about myself. I used to really hate myself and feel worthless because of the abandonment, but now I see it was just because he was a selfish person.
None of it is about you. The "soul ties" doesn't sound cheesy but will probably weaken as things get farther along. I used to feel like that TS song "I'm only me when I'm with you" That caused me to hang on to a bad situation way too long.
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Dandylion, I know you're right. But I feel like those feelings are holding me back from the big picture. I alternate between despair and rage with the occasional numb period or panic attack thrown in for good measure. I've tried detaching and "letting go and letting God" but I am always brought right back to this. I love him dearly and remember how wonderful he was when he was sober. How do I push past this? I always end up just feeling sorry for him.
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Flavia2, I can relate to what you're saying. My dad didn't leave my mom but he was always gone with the Army. He too is a drinker and tends to overindulge. Of course, he is always there for my mother though. So I guess that's the difference. I married my first husband for all the wrong reasons; I was very young. With my current husband I married for love. I don't know why I fell in love with him in the first place! I wish I didn't love him as much as I do.
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breakfasthere....this is a common stumbling block for most every one of us.
To answer your question...this is my response:
Step #1. (Hopeworks just posted a good response about this very thing o n another thread this morning). Realize the fact that it is always painful when you break up a relationship with anyone that you have bonded with. Nature planned it this way by use of the bonding hormones (chemicals) that our body produces. This keeps couples together.
Face the fact that you will experience short-term pain for the long term gain. Don't fight the pain. Go through the pain...because it will eventually come to an end. Staying in a destructive relationship means that the pain will never end--only get worse, over time.
Step#2..get a copy of "Co-dependent No more" and read this "classic" book. I gurantee that it will resonate loudly with you...LOL!
get to an alanon meeting asap and experience the support and understanding that goes beyond words.....and, line up your own therapist to help you work through all the baggage that you have undoubtedly been carrying around (we all do).
That will get you onto the highway.....
dandylion
To answer your question...this is my response:
Step #1. (Hopeworks just posted a good response about this very thing o n another thread this morning). Realize the fact that it is always painful when you break up a relationship with anyone that you have bonded with. Nature planned it this way by use of the bonding hormones (chemicals) that our body produces. This keeps couples together.
Face the fact that you will experience short-term pain for the long term gain. Don't fight the pain. Go through the pain...because it will eventually come to an end. Staying in a destructive relationship means that the pain will never end--only get worse, over time.
Step#2..get a copy of "Co-dependent No more" and read this "classic" book. I gurantee that it will resonate loudly with you...LOL!
get to an alanon meeting asap and experience the support and understanding that goes beyond words.....and, line up your own therapist to help you work through all the baggage that you have undoubtedly been carrying around (we all do).
That will get you onto the highway.....
dandylion
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Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Dear Breakfast there;
I so relate to your despair. There is no more helpless feeling on earth than seeing someone you love spiral into the hell that is addiction. But for me, when the behavior was so clearly out of control that for me to cling to hoping he would change would damage me so badly... I decided I had to vote for myself, instead of him. I deserve peace of mind. I deserve a love that will be there for me. I deserve not to have perpetual uncertainty and chaos in my home. I deserve to be at peace. I had to see that his choices were solely his own...and if I stayed hoping he'd change...then somehow I got that my happiness didn't matter....and I changed. It's the only way.
Here are the steps I took:
1. I got into Al Anon RIGHT AWAY and went religiously. For months I couldn't say a word there but cried my guts out the minute I walked in the door. Then tiny bit by tiny bit I realized it was my safe haven, my comfort, my support, my understanding and my peace of mind, one hour at a time. When I got to that place...I got a sponsor and worked the steps seriously. Al Anon saved my life, as it has for countless millions of suffering people.
2. I began to learn about the disease ....really learn about it. The book I found most helpful was "Under The Influence". It was eye opening. This is where I first started to understand that this addiction was a chemical alteration of brain function (not just crazy behavior)....far far beyond my ability to influence or control.
3. I set a clear boundary. Get into detox and treatment right away or this is over...and I deeply meant it. I knew that not doing that would consign me to the crazy of this disease for the rest of my life. I picked me. He picked drink. I let him go...and never looked back. NO it wasn't easy. But staying in chaos was harder.
4. a year later...one of the loving, giving recovering alcoholics that come into this room to offer us comfort and insight gave me this: My question was HOW COULD HE CHOOSE THIS OVER EVERYTHING GOOD IN HIS LIFE??? Here was the reply:
"I am an alcoholic and as such, cannot understand the pain I inflicted on my family. As a family member, you cannot understand what it feels like to be alcoholic. Let me explain it this way: if you were in a pool and someone pushed your head under water...you would fight, with every ounce of strength, every bit of will, everything you had to get to the surface to get a breath of air. While you were fighting, you would not have one thought about your kids, your wife, your home or career...only to get a breath. This is what it feels like to be an alcoholic" His behavior is not personal towards you...he's simply in the fight of his life.
I cried after reading that like I'd never cried before. For the first time, I got beyond my rage, my sadness, my anguish and touched my compassion. It was the beginning of forgiveness for me. My ability to arrive there is what really saved my life...to feel all the awful feelings and find a way to forgive. Forgiveness is not for them. It is what saves us.
Thank you for sharing....you will survive this. Look for the resources you have and use them all. A huge SR hug for you.....
I so relate to your despair. There is no more helpless feeling on earth than seeing someone you love spiral into the hell that is addiction. But for me, when the behavior was so clearly out of control that for me to cling to hoping he would change would damage me so badly... I decided I had to vote for myself, instead of him. I deserve peace of mind. I deserve a love that will be there for me. I deserve not to have perpetual uncertainty and chaos in my home. I deserve to be at peace. I had to see that his choices were solely his own...and if I stayed hoping he'd change...then somehow I got that my happiness didn't matter....and I changed. It's the only way.
Here are the steps I took:
1. I got into Al Anon RIGHT AWAY and went religiously. For months I couldn't say a word there but cried my guts out the minute I walked in the door. Then tiny bit by tiny bit I realized it was my safe haven, my comfort, my support, my understanding and my peace of mind, one hour at a time. When I got to that place...I got a sponsor and worked the steps seriously. Al Anon saved my life, as it has for countless millions of suffering people.
2. I began to learn about the disease ....really learn about it. The book I found most helpful was "Under The Influence". It was eye opening. This is where I first started to understand that this addiction was a chemical alteration of brain function (not just crazy behavior)....far far beyond my ability to influence or control.
3. I set a clear boundary. Get into detox and treatment right away or this is over...and I deeply meant it. I knew that not doing that would consign me to the crazy of this disease for the rest of my life. I picked me. He picked drink. I let him go...and never looked back. NO it wasn't easy. But staying in chaos was harder.
4. a year later...one of the loving, giving recovering alcoholics that come into this room to offer us comfort and insight gave me this: My question was HOW COULD HE CHOOSE THIS OVER EVERYTHING GOOD IN HIS LIFE??? Here was the reply:
"I am an alcoholic and as such, cannot understand the pain I inflicted on my family. As a family member, you cannot understand what it feels like to be alcoholic. Let me explain it this way: if you were in a pool and someone pushed your head under water...you would fight, with every ounce of strength, every bit of will, everything you had to get to the surface to get a breath of air. While you were fighting, you would not have one thought about your kids, your wife, your home or career...only to get a breath. This is what it feels like to be an alcoholic" His behavior is not personal towards you...he's simply in the fight of his life.
I cried after reading that like I'd never cried before. For the first time, I got beyond my rage, my sadness, my anguish and touched my compassion. It was the beginning of forgiveness for me. My ability to arrive there is what really saved my life...to feel all the awful feelings and find a way to forgive. Forgiveness is not for them. It is what saves us.
Thank you for sharing....you will survive this. Look for the resources you have and use them all. A huge SR hug for you.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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breakfastthere.....yeah, I read it about a year before I came to SR. It had a profound i mpact on me. It was like pulling back the curtains on a lot of dynamics of my own life.
you an find it at a reduced price (used) on amazon...or rent it from the library.
I think it is a good starting point for a lot of people....because it is so relatable.
dandylion
you an find it at a reduced price (used) on amazon...or rent it from the library.
I think it is a good starting point for a lot of people....because it is so relatable.
dandylion
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MsGrace, I have been going to Al-Anon here and there and I plan on getting a sponsor and working the steps once I get to Washington. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about alcoholism and addiction.
I tried to issue such an ultimatum yesterday. I suggested we file for divorce and he just said no. He's going to make this hard for me. Thats the thing I don't understand. Why won't he just agree to a divorce? Clearly he wants to drink. So why keep this Union intact if he insists on breaking it over and over again?
That's an interesting way to look at the disease. What I don't get though is it seems like he is just allowing himself to go under.
I tried to issue such an ultimatum yesterday. I suggested we file for divorce and he just said no. He's going to make this hard for me. Thats the thing I don't understand. Why won't he just agree to a divorce? Clearly he wants to drink. So why keep this Union intact if he insists on breaking it over and over again?
That's an interesting way to look at the disease. What I don't get though is it seems like he is just allowing himself to go under.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by breakfasthere
Why won't he just agree to a divorce?
Are you looking for his blessing or approval or permission, to "make it OK"? That may or may not ever come, and your unhappiness is a good enough reason to leave, regardless of anything he does or does not do or say.
If you've been lurking here for a while, I hope you've been able to read the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of concentrated wisdom in those threads. I'm really glad you've been dabbling in Alanon and I hope you find more help there in the days to come.
Welcome to SR, and keep coming back!
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