Thumper

I've taken the path of least resistance with my 15yo and 13yo too. I feel like I'm dropping the ball with that (and a dozen other parenting things) but I'm really dragging my feet on making changes. Status quo is so much easier. :P. I have some ideas and so many excuses. I need to though or I will lose them.

Following along to hear what you guys are doing and considering.

The two areas I worry about most is we no longer have daily family meals in a proper way and WAY WAY WAY to much computer time even by my standards and I've got relaxed standards with screen time.

Thumper

ETA. I also understand the guilt. I've said before that most of my parenting is motivated by guilt. Hard not to get caught up in that.

Florence

Ha ha! BOOT CAMP!

I have guilt. I was a teen parent with DS15, invited an alcoholic to be his stepdad, then had another child I can't afford, DD3, while that ship was going down. It just been struggle after struggle and bad relationship choices. I'm doing just fine, and I haven't really been slowed down by these things -- I'm a college graduate, a professional, and a community activist -- and intellectually I know that my kids will be fine and that I did everything I could with the resources and knowledge I had at the time, but it still feels yucky.

Mmm, we have a list of chores, and he has to do two a day to get allowance, $10 a week. That might mean sorting laundry, vacuuming, helping with trash and/or dishes, usually. Money has been a big motivator. When he got crappy with me earlier, I pointed out that other kids do chores for free, and we could implement that arrangement if he wanted to. Also that in three years, he would be doing this stuff for himself, no mom around to finish or nag at him. He backed off fast. He mows the lawn for my parents for money too.

Clean room? I don't look too closely. No food in there, no dishes in there, shut the door. Laundry? He just recently started doing his own, we're working it out some. We cook together a little bit and I give him input into grocery shopping and what we eat that week. Truth be told, I think he's naturally a pretty compliant kid. He's more likely to do the chores, then sit in his room and write a manifesto to his friends on the ipod I saved up to buy him about how I'm a nazi witch doctor.

He has a set bedtime on weeknights, he has to shower every night before bed (or in the morning, but he doesn't want to wake up early). Screen time, after all chores and family activities are done, is fine BEFORE BED. Screen time has been a big headache over the years. I hate cell phones and ipods and handhelds, and how kids think they're entitled to spend literally all their time, into all hours of the night, playing dumb games. In my sisters' day, it was the phone, I guess. I was a 90s internet kid, and it was the same for me. PERSPECTIVE, I try to have it.

Attitude towards me is harder. It hurts my feelings when he slags on me the way kids do. When I've caught him, it was heartbreaking. I'm trying to remember that the teen years are temporary, and that my approach with him will be the thing that dictates our relationship in the years to come, not the teenager feelings. They're people, just like we're people, and they need a little extra compassion, I think, along with those boundaries.

I think kids need two things: They need to know they have some control and say-so in the household, that not everything is out of their control (balanced with healthy boundaries at home), and something outside of the home that is healthy and proactive, like a sport or community that they really identify with.

DoubleDragons

Lil, as a child of an alcoholic and a dysfunctional background, I can tell you that some of my best qualities came from that fact. My husband is a child of alcoholics, too, and he is the most wonderful, reliable, responsible man that you would ever want to meet. Some would argue that he is the typical ACOA with those traits. Well, those traits have also made him completely loved and admired by his friends and family and the people he works with and for and have helped him to achieve two different advanced degrees from well regarded universities. I am very self-reliant, determined and I have a creative streak that is a force to be reckoned with. I think I had to cultivate those traits because of my background but they have served me well in life. Point being is that we often try to protect our children from "terrible" experiences, but when I reflect on my own life, it is often my worst experiences that made me my best self. I have always learned more from experience than any lecture given to me. Relax, your children will be fine and as a mother of three teenagers (my 18 year old just left for college), I can tell you that 15 was one of the worst stages (like the terrible twos and threes) because it is another major stage of them trying to assert their independence. They still need to feel secure, though, so pick your battles, but stand firm on the important things.

Santa

This is me. In fact I started a thread about it before seeing this one and Florence pointed me over here. I am terrible at setting boundaries. Both of my kids know I have no backbone and am a total softie where they are concerned. Yes it's guilt and also they are my favorite people in the world. The problem is that my behavior is not helping anybody.