amy55

No, I'm not drinking. I stopped about 3 weeks ago. There was a thread here that really hit me hard. I even forget what was about. I thought about it, and I thought about why I started again. I dealt with a lot in the past few years. I have been working on my coping skills a lot. I drink because sometimes I just can't deal with things. I want to numb myself and make the world go away.

I thought I was doing really well with how I was coping with things for a few years. I bought that foreclosure that had to be totally renovated. Floors had oil spilled on them, cabinets falling apart, carpenter ants, carpenter bees. Got that under control. I dealt with my daughter that filed an RO against me, for I don't know what reason really, I just wanted to attend my grandsons birthday party without my ex there, because my mom was coming in from Florida.

Dealt with my son uninviting me to his wedding because I had wanted to spend some time with him for xmas, but wanted to know when before January.

Had to see my ex and his girlfriend at my sons wedding.

I thought I was doing pretty good.

I went down when I found out my ex was retiring, and that our pensions now have to be split. It will take about 4 months to do this, and he will most likely get his share of my pension first, since I already receive a pension. It was his arrogance in how he wanted to divide the pension. He wanted me to have a share of his "net" pension, and he gets a share of my "gross" pension. He was plotting this for over 2 years.

Now I know the opinion here is to get a lawyer. I somewhat have one. My attorney likes me. She told me to hold off hiring her, until I get enough from him so she could file a motion for contempt of the court order. There was more to it then that, it's also about a life ins policy that he is to hold where I am the irrevocable beneficiary. He always give just enough so that he can't be held in contempt of court. See, if I can get him on contempt of court, he would have to pay my attorney fees. I can't afford an attorney.

I will have about 4 months next year with not enough money to even pay my mortgage.

At first, I thought I started drinking again to numb myself out, so that I don't see or feel his coldness or arrogance. I then got into a place back when I was married, where I wanted to feel so low that his opinion of me matched me, thinking then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Then the magical thread showed up. I don't think I even responded to it because I just got lost in my own thoughts.

I sat for a few days just thinking about why am I doing this to myself again. I realized that I was afraid of my ex anymore, sure he can hurt me financially for awhile, but in the end, I will get that money. I just need to figure out what to do for about 4 months. So it wasn't about him, or his nastiest towards me, or him trying to screw me, it was about that I can't deal with him, and I don't have to learn how to deal with him, because that is just impossible. The "threat" was removed. Perhaps in a way I was hoping that he could be somewhat humanlike towards me, but that was an unreachable unreasonable expectation.

It doesn't mean that the PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks will automatically go into remission, still dealing with that. I could go run to my psychiatrist office and get my seroquel and klonopins back. I won't do that. That was a temporary aid.

I played the tapes in my head, a very common thing to do with PTSD, and I realized both this friend and my ex have the ability to mess with my head. I can't deal with that, there is no coping skill for that, they are users and abusers. I don't need to learn how to put up with that. I just cut them out of my life instead.

Thank you all again for helping me see my way through this.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy