amy55

I have a friend from the past that just contacted me. She called me on Sunday, and I ignored the phone call and didn't listen to the message till just now.

We have a past that's why I didn't take the phone call. It's like she always wanted something from me.

Now I don't want to make her seem all bad. She had a terrible childhood, and she was mostly there for me when I was in my abusive relationship, she was in one also.

She was there for me through my cancer, but sometimes I felt that she was there for my ex during my cancer.

I got through that. Then I felt like she wanted me to get rid of my AH so that she could move in with me so we could split the bills.

One time I was in a car accident. I called her because I was in the car accident in NJ, I live in Pa. She cut me off and said that she has enough going on in her life, she can't handle any more. This was before I could even tell her I was in an accident, and could not drive my car.

We were really tight for awhile. She seemed to idolize me, or wanted to mirror me. I was the only one that was able to talk to her about things, where she wouldn't fly off the handle. She listened to me. She had a hard life and was starting to be abusive to her children. I told her to stop it, and she did. It was about their grades in school and grounding them. She did do this through verbal abuse.

So I finally listened to her message 2 days later. She wants us to get together in the beginning of Oct.

She was also in many abusive relationships, but she was there for me also.

It's hard to describe our relationship. She was so loud, and I was the quiet one. I had a lot of good times with her, but at times I just feel like she wants to move in with me. She had said that back when I lived in NJ. She told me to get rid of my ex and she could move in to help me pay the bills.

She is overbearing, but I love her (as a friend).

I'm in a really bad place now, (have been dealing with my ex) and my mind isn't working right. Should I call her back? She was sounding normal, but my "normal" radar isn't working right now. I think if I wasn't dealing with my ex right now, I could think straighter. or not.

I don't think I even expect or want answers, maybe I just needed to put this somewhere so I could look at it tomorrow.

For anyone who read, thank you.

amy

Dee74

If life is too complicated right now and she would only serve to complicate things further, I'd feel perfectly justified ion not calling her back, Amy.

D

redatlanta

I think I would call her but not commit to anything.

Get a feel for it.

Sometimes friendships need a break then they come back together and sometimes they need a break forever. Hard to tell which is here.

Croissant

Amy...like you said, maybe you needed the reflection of actually writing about your friendship when you started this thread.

Well, the choice is yours if you contact her back...but don't feel you have to do what's " good " or " right ".

I have one friend right now who I simply feel I've "outgrown" in some ways...not that I've grown more than her, as such....just differently.

Sometimes friendships just exhaust themselves...or the common ground you once had is a topic you don't want to dwell on anymore.

The old saying...people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

FeelingGreat

Amy, it would probably be polite to call her back, but rehearse some lines in advance in case she asks you to do something you don't want to do.

I've sometimes given friendships the benefit of the doubt and I've rarely regretted it.

lillamy

Amy my friend - here's what I hear: when you talk about this friend, you sound brittle. You sound like a Codie who's wondering if she should call her addict ex back.

You sound like you don't trust yourself, your reactions, your thoughts and feelings around this person.

That's not the Amy I know from here. Even when you've been confused and heartbroken, you've always had a core of strength. When you talk about this friendship, it sounds like it is mostly obligation and codependency, frankly.

You don't say much about how there is potential for positive things if you call her back. So don't. Don't risk your equilibrium just to be polite.

hopeful4

I have a friend who is sort of like that. I take her in very small doses. I meet for lunch (we both are limited in time due to jobs) and things like that so I am not overwhelmed. The second she makes me feel bad I just stop seeing her as I have enough going in life to not deal with that drama.

Whatever you decide let it be what's good for YOU.

dandylion

Amy.....from what you wrote..it looks like where you hit the "wall" on this is when it gets to the part where she might ask to house share with you---and, that triggers your fears.

I can understand that....You say that she is loud and overbearing, etc. Letting her live with you would probably be disasterous.....because you can't even bear the thought of it, right now!...LOL!

On the other hand...you point out some good things about the relationship.

From this, I would surmise that your true discomfort is around the issue of placing boundaries.

If you did talk to her...and, she did ask to house share.....then you would have to let her know that this would be a 'No go" for you. That you can't handle that.
(I liked the suggestion of "rehearsing" how to convey this ahead of time).

But, Amy, I believe that you have to get really honest with YOURSELF, first). Dig down deep. Could you really deal with her in some well-defined circumstances ) like,having lunch, going to farmer's market together, short visits for coffee, etc. Or, maybe occassional phone calls, and Christmas cards...( I don't know how close you all live to each other). Could you really enjoy that.....or, would that feel like a burden and a chore of "obligation" to you? Honestly.

This is my experience....a true, close friendship can't be faked. It is purely voluntary and requires an inner willingness and desire....and, it must be reciprocal. If it ain't there....it ain't there.
Sure, there are "friendly" acquaintenceships.....I suspect that the majority of what we loosely call "friendships" are just that. I see no problem with that....it is just a matter of calling a spade a spade. You just have to be really honest with yourself about it.

I have a girlfriend (friendly acquaintence) who sounds very similar. OMG--I can take only very small amounts of her. Otherwise, I feel overwhelmed and want to to the Homer Simpson choke on her. She is loud and has an unbridled sense of entitlement--but, she can be great fun to do things with, sometimes. I found out that I can't be there just to "nurture" her (only).
Long ago...I had to decide not to spend too much time with people where my only value was in "nurturing" them. Got to have some mutual give and take. (But, this is my issue..not saying that it is necessarily yours).

LOL...I have the feeling that if you don't work through this and handle it...you will obsess over this phone call until the end of time.....

I hope that these thoughts may be of some help to you....

dandylion

amy55

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. All of you make very good points, they are actually all the things that are going back and forth in my head right now.

Lillamy, I think you hit the nail on the head here. I feel codie around her. Not that I try to, I set boundaries, she just walks all over them like I never said anything. I can't deal with that right now, especially since I am having to deal with my ex at this moment.

I think I will call her to see how she is doing. I feel like I owe it to the both of us. We spent many years together helping each other with the things that we were going through. I do need to rehearse everything, and have good lies prepared, just in case. I hate doing that because I want to just say "NO", but I'm not strong enough to deal with 2 people at this time that don't respect boundaries. I'll wait to deal with that for when I am stronger and only dealing with 1 of them at a time.

We live an hour and a half away from each other. I also live in a gated community so she just can't come over whenever she wants to like she is used to doing with me.

The way I stopped her from moving in with me the last time was, I told her I was moving out, that I couldn't take it anymore, that if I stayed, my ex would keep coming back, I told her that since neither I nor my ex could afford the house on our own, I'll let him know that you are willing to move in and help him with the expenses. (lol)

So it may end up being just a phone call, or I'll meet up with her for lunch, but at this time there is no way that I will invite her to spend a night or a weekend here.

I'm going to tell her that my daughters marriage is not going to well, and that she is thinking of divorce and she might be staying with me for several months. Now my daughters marriage part is true, but there is no way my daughter would move in with me since I purposely moved into one of the worst school districts in my area to ensure that never happened.

I am a mess today. For those of you that know that I fell off the wagon about 2 months ago while trying to deal with my ex, I am now ok for the last 3 weeks. No I will not pick up again over this. I'm just looking for a way to deal with personality disorders.

Thanks again for the replies, going to take today to calm down, will call her tomorrow.

dandylion

Amy.....why do you have to lie? Why can't tell her the truth--that you are a "mess" at this point and absolutely cannot handle someone else living with you. (said kindly, of course).
That is straight forward and simple and truthful. And, it establishes a boundary that can't be argued with.
Tell her that if Ben Aflak was willing to leave his wife and come live with you--you still wouldn't do it! That is the truth.

I'm just saying.....

dandylion

amy55

There are just some people that never take a "no". She's one of them. My head isn't in a good place right now, and I can't handle the arguments trying to convince me, that since I am such a mess, that she can help take care of me, that would be leaving myself wide open.

If any of this comes up, I intend to deal with it next year when I am not dealing with the ex at the same time. I'm just going to tell her then that I like living alone, and if she can't afford NJ, there are plenty of cheaper places here that she can afford, just not my place.

Writing this out made me think a little, so thanks for that.

I think I can tell her the above. I like living alone, and offer to help her find someplace of her own.

Thanks
amy

biminiblue

That sounds like a super healthy answer ^^

I'm of the belief that lies are problems postponed. Honesty is always best.

AnvilheadII

we don't HAVE to return phone calls. remember, we operate on our OWN schedule, no one elses.

you built up a lot of scenarios and have conducted extensive future conversations based on one voice mail. you seem already convinced that she's going to show up with a UHaul and ask for her own key. and you are crafting outright lies in order to defend yourself against this perceived "threat".

you mentioned that even when you have said NO to her in the past, she ignored it. which also means that with her your aren't very good at patroling the perimeter and keeping the unwanted on the outside of the fence. not returning her call could be a NO....for you. which immediately frees up a ton of headspace.....

lillamy

And taking a page from what someone just asked me, I would ask: Why do you let her do that? Why do you not value yourself enough to stick by your boundaries?

Remember, boundaries are for you. Not for anyone else. And it would be a completely healthy boundary to say "When I have enough on my plate, I will choose to not respond to people who have a negative impact on my level of energy or well-being."

Actually, I think I'm going to use that myself. Except I think I'll cut out the first part. "I will choose to not respond to people who have a negative impact on my level of energy or well-being" sounds like a good idea in general.

atalose

Every point you are making is screaming - this person is NOT truely a friend but more someone I FEEL OBLIGATED to respond to..........

And that there is your codie talking.

You've come this far with out her - RIGHT? Your life is stressful enough - RIGHT.........so why invite un-healhty back into your life? What real benefit would this person bring into your life right now today?

amy55

I've been thinking about this a lot today, perhaps too much, or maybe not enough. I know there are "what if's" in there that may not even happen. It's just very hard to tell with her. She tried to move into my NJ home, she called me about 1 1/2 years ago, wanted to come to visit, mentioned she was unemployed, and looking for a new place because she couldn't afford to stay where she is.

Then I get this phone call out of the blue. Message said she was in job training again, which means she is unemployed again. I guess that is where I freaked out.

Since I left NJ 6 years ago, she has only called me when she is unemployed. For the first 4 years in Pa. I sent her x-mas cards, she never sent me one. It seems to me that she only contacts me because she has an "agenda". Perhaps I'm paranoid or perhaps I should start to listen to my "gut" feelings. I think my reaction to that phone call, by shutting my phone off for 2 days before I could even listen to the message is what I should go by. I think my body and my response told me that she "scares" me. I think I should listen to this.

I think sometimes there are just some people that you can't deal with, no matter what.

I remembered a lot of things today. I remember when she came over when I had cancer. I was usually too out of it to even get out of bed. She never once came to see me in my room. She sat on the deck with my ex drinking for hours. Said she didn't want to disturb me.

She got jealous about my alimony and property division settlement. Told me I have it made and look at what she got, then conversation always turned around to her and how she should have gotten more. There's a lot more then that, but I am starting to think about the times when it seemed that she was there for me, she actually wasn't. She always came over my house telling me that I was living her dream while I was trying to talk to her about the abuse I was going through. I was told, oh, it will pass. When I told her that I had enough in my marriage that I was leaving because I could not afford the house, that's when she wanted to move in, and that's when she tried to convince me to divorce, but she had her own way for me to do this.

It helped to write all this out, because she wasn't a friend. She would bring nothing to my life except to tell me that my life is wonderful, and then we would talk about her daily trauma drama.

I'm not doing this, I'm not calling.

Now I can stop thinking about this. Next on the list, the ex, I'm not going to deal with him either. I can't.

This was really helpful and cathartic for me. Thank again everyone.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

Croissant

Agree....and now certainly isn't the time. Your posts show how stressed you are. It's not the time to test your ability to set boundaries face to face.

Good.


I agree. It's ok to be the person who never called back!

Hugs Amy.

Know you have lots on. I'd be angry just hearing from the person when I was feeling vulnerable too.

dandylion

Amy55...this additional information puts a different light on the matter.

dandylion

LoveMeNow

More importantly, How is your recovery going? Are you still drinking daily??

Rosiepetal

I don't think this is a "healthy" friend & may do more harm than good.
My 50cents worth.