BrokenHeart88

I met her when she was on house arrest for her second DUI. We met online and developed a great chemistry by talking everyday on the phone. I truly believe in the good of people and felt this person was just in a bad place and had bad luck. She was full of energy and life and always happy and fun to be around.

Weeks after dating we were inseparable and she finally was able to get off house arrest. She really let loose and was going out constantly after work (she bartends) I gave her the benefit of the doubt, after all she was locked up for 3 months she was just blowing off steam. I was so infatuated with her I didn't see the signs.

We got along so well it truly felt meant to be. The joking and love we had was unlike anything I've ever experienced. By 5 months into dating we were sharing our passion for kids and talking marriage.

Then she started slipping up and blacking out. She missed a flight to visit her friend because she was so drunk security wouldn't let her on the plane. She told me how her dad killed someone in a drunk driving accident. More and more kept coming out, she was very good at hiding things. She told me once she starts drinking she can't stop. I noticed her hands shaking one day and asked her why? She said "I dunno they've always done that". She'd sit up all night drinking multiple bottles of wine while I slept.

Then the fighting started. I tried getting her to go to AA meetings, even offering to go with her. She was required to go anyways because of her DUI. She just blew it off. I would tell her we don't need alcohol to have fun, but she'd get mad at me for not wanting to stop at the bar ever. All her friends turned against me because they all drink just as bad and blamed me for her not coming out anymore.

I came so close. I really felt she loved me and I had her out of the bars for a few months and really drinking responsibly. I saw hope. But then things got real rocky and the drinking got worse and one day she said its over. We got into a huge blowout and we stopped talking.

I'm destroyed. She texts me once a week drunk saying "sorry" "I'm drunk" and "I wanna go home". It kills me I feel like it's a cry for help. She lost her license for two years so I feel bad she gets stranded and I worry as well. Last week I saw her for the first time since we split and she was so drunk she couldn't form complete sentences. She was stuck at a friends house so I rode her home. It was heartbreaking. All she could say was "I loved you so much!" As she cried hysterically. The next day she thanked me for the ride and said she could only remember getting in my car. I was with her over two hours sitting at her place.

I wrote her a huge letter laying out how worried I am and made a list of all the negative things alcohol has done to her life and all the great qualities she has without alcohol. She flipped out on me, denied having a problem, and said she wants a man that will accept her for who she is. We don't speak anymore and it kills me.

I left out a ton of details but we really were close and there were tons of other stories but that's the jist of it. I now hate the thought of drinking and hate anyone that jokes about getting wasted as I lost her to this horrible disease. She is such a beautiful girl and person when she's sober. I Feel like I'll never get over this and I'm torn on when I should stop trying to help her. She wants nothing to do with me anymore but a month ago she was telling my grandfather she's marrying me.

Next week would've been our 1 year anniversary.

Tiredofdrugs

Hi BrokenHeart88: Welcome to SR first of all!

I'm sorry you got caught up in this girl's disease! I'm a Recovering person from pain killers! Doctor prescribed! Never had a problem with alcohol though!

What I know of my own addiction to the pain pills though is they became my true love! Nothing else mattered except the pain pills!

Our DOC (Drug of chose) is what becomes our one and true love beyond all others. It isn't YOU that has caused this problem between the two of y'all!

I wish you the best!

Tiredofdrugs (TOD)

KCrazy

I now hate the thought of drinking and hate anyone that jokes about getting wasted as I lost her to this horrible disease - BrokenHeart88

Thank You! I can't STAND the songs, the jokes, the casual talk, about such a DEVASTATING drug! I am sorry you're going through this, but there is a "bright" side... you've only invested a year... not 8, like me, or more, like others. I know that doesn't change the pain, the loss. She, clearly, is not ready to "accept" her disease, and most aren't. The 5 G's of Alanon:

1. Get off her back
2. Get out of her way
3. Give her to God
4. Go to a meeting
5. Get on with your life

Good job for getting out NOW! Most of us can only wish that we had gotten out much, much, sooner... Healing will take time. What has helped me is ALANON, would still be lost without it, learning, reading, about alcoholism, and coming here! Reading others stories and helping where I can. Sending you courage, strength, and hope.

katatat

I understand your pain. What I came to realize in my relationship with my ex is that I was the "other woman" and he was "married" to alcohol. He kept telling me he was happier with me, made plans for a future, and said he would leave "her," but he always went back to "her." And it breaks my heart because we had a beautiful relationship.

Just as the addicts in our lives have no control when they use, we have no control on whether or not they decide to stop. She has to get sick and tired of being sick and tired in order to want to change. Only she can determine this.

Your efforts to encourage her in recovery were so well-intended. I did the same and couldn't understand why my ex was upset. But the way he interpreted, I was threatening his relationship with alcohol (the only relationship he could trust). Despite all the awful things, he isn't ready to give it up.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please try Al-Anon. It has helped me so much already.

ladyscribbler

If it was possible to love someone out of addiction, this site wouldn't exist. If it was possible for an alcoholic to learn how to "drink responsibly", this site wouldn't exist. Everyone here has poured their heart and soul into trying to heal an alcoholic or addict and come up short because another person's addiction isn't our problem to fix, no matter how much we love them.
All we can do is heal ourselves.

FeelingGreat

BrokenHeart, to be brutal, run and don't look back. For every bit of her you love there is 10 times more that is destructive. Feel sorry for her if you must, but you won't be able to cure her.
Be thankful you didn't get more involved. If you doubt what I'm saying, go back and read your own post as if someone else had written it.

WendyOR

It is so difficult and so hard to be in your spot.... just like it is so difficult and so hard for each of us in this spot. We all have a story and it includes confusion, heart break, broken trust, broken dreams, lies, and blame being shifted upon us for this disease.

Be kind to yourself. Read, study, learn. Look for all the stories that will not be your story, as each is all its own, but look for the similarities. They all have similar tones to them. They all have similar outcomes.

Focusing on you does not mean you don't love her. I, personally still love my A. Although I have no contact, I do love him. I just know that figuring out me is the most important thing right now. I just know that he is not ready to stop drinking yet, and perhaps never will. I know I am letting go with love, hoping he will figure it out and be strong enough to get the real help that he needs to have a happy and healthy life. I also know that may not include me. I also know that if it meant he would be happy and healthy, it would be worth not having me there, as I fear death and deterioration of his body, mind and spirit. I feel death of this disease is going to take him.

Be kind to yourself an read, and learn. Sorry you are in this situation.

BrokenHeart88

First off thank you so much for listening and being there. Finding this site has been incredible in the process. Hearing your stories and seeing that everyone is going through almost identically the same thing makes me feel less isolated and alone. I started seeing a therapist as well, and we talk about her almost the entire time each session (2 sessions in so far). What's funny is that I told my ex I was starting to talk to someone and I think she feels I'm crazy, even though she's the reason I'm there and I'm talking about helping her the entire time, and how to deal with an alcoholic. They truly are delusional and never seem to grasp reality.

My therapist said that we tend to fall in love with the POTENTIAL of the person, and not reality. I think that's very true, I saw how great of a person she could be sober, and my god, she was a perfect 10 in looks. Everything was there, she loved kids, was great with them, loved family, and we had fun no matter where we went. But her late bartending hours and my early construction worker hours kept us apart a lot of the time, and I'd be in bed by 10 pm and she'd be up till 4.

I believe that time heals everything. It's a process and I'm only 1 month into letting her go. I wait for that call everyday for her to call me and say "I need help, please help me, you were right." But we all know that isn't going to happen. I've had my heart broken before, but never lost someone to a substance.

I listen to country music on the radio at work, every song nowadays is about going to the bar, or drinking one, or tailgating. Literally, almost every song now. It's a constant reminder how much our society puts on alcohol and how it's OK, it's not. It's destroying so many lives and it's just sad that this is what we push to people. Have fun, party, drink, get black out drunk. It's making me sick.

We were only together a year but by 2 months in I was spending the night every night and moved my stuff in by 3 months. Our different schedules really allowed this to happen. I just couldn't be there for her as much as I would've liked to.

Now to fill the void of her not being in my life I try to go to the gym, and do other things but it's on my mind 24/7. I'm debating sky diving just because I know that'll be 15 minutes I know I won't think about her. I sit up all night and literally sleep maybe 2 hours a night. I go on youtube and google and I research signs of alcoholism, long term effects, how to help alcoholics. I look for success stories, everything. The one common denominator is that YOU cannot help them, THEY HAVE TO WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES. I tried to push her in that direction with no success. So now the issue is do I just keep loving her and when she reaches out, do I answer back with love and kindness and hope she embraces it. Or, do I give her tough love, run like hell, and block her out of my life. I feel there is part of her crying for help on the inside and I gotta wake her up and snap her out of it. As of right now though, I'm the bad guy that judges her, doesn't love her for who she is, and I'm an *******. Go figure.

thanks again for all the support.

lillamy

So, here's a few things I noticed reading your post:

That's a warning sign right there. The world is full of women without criminal records -- why would you connect with someone who already has a record?

A DUI never means "bad luck" -- a DUI, or two, means bad decisions.

Been there, done that, got the scars. However, for most healthy people, two DUIs (in your case) or an adult who has zero friends (in my case) should be a sign that's loud and clear enough that we should have been careful. (I'm not judging, I was the same way.)

So you upended your life, and focused on her instead of yourself, even after she became angry and had blackouts. Been there, too. It's heartbreaking and frustrating when you feel like you're giving it your all to save someone you love, and they resist. The thing is, though -- she's an adult. She's got the right to make stupid decisions about her own life. Just like my ex did.

You came so close? To what? Loving her enough that she didn't need her drug of choice anymore? There is not that much love in the world. If love could cure an addict, none of us would be here. This board wouldn't exist.

Don't we all? She doesn't want to change right now. You can't make her. It's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's because she's an alcoholic.

I know that pain. I spent two decades trying to make the man I loved stop drinking. I really thought, for one, that I had the ability, and second, that I had the right.

Having a good compassionate heart and believing good about people is a good character trait. It just gets complicated when you run into someone that your behavior and compassion doesn't work with -- someone who uses it as long as they feel good about it.

You didn't cause her to drink. You can't cure her alcoholism. And you can't control it. You tried controlling it, by, as you said "keep her out of the bars" -- but if you step back for a second and think about it: Is that the relationship you want? One where you have to try to be in control of your partner?

I pretty much turned myself into a human pretzel trying to control the drinking my ex did. I thought -- if I only found the magic bullet, the magic word, the magic action, he wouldn't have to drink.

Truth was -- he drinks because he's an alcoholic. And like your ex, until he decides to get help, he will keep drinking. He will find excuses for drinking. He will find women like me who give up their lives to help him -- until they don't anymore, and then he will move on to the next one.

Alcoholism is a horrible disease. You wore yourself out trying to help this woman. She didn't want your help. It hurts. I know it does. I lived it. But I found that the healthiest thing I could do was to figure out why I would choose to partner up with a person who was an alcoholic. What was it I wanted? For me, I wanted to be needed. I felt like I had value and was a worthwhile human being when I gave up everything I wanted out of life for him.

That's not a healthy attitude. And I think, given that you -- like me -- missed warning signs that were big and loud and read and flashing and almost like a two-by-four across the forehead... maybe some self-care would be in order? Maybe go to a few Al-Anon meetings -- not to turn back to the idea of helping her stop drinking, but to figure out why it's so important for you to spend your life on something like that?

lillamy

Bingo. You and me both. Kind of like buying an old beater car or an old house and imagining what it's going to be like when you're done restoring it.

Except people have a will of their own.

Sungrl

I started seeing a therapist as well, and we talk about her almost the entire time each session (2 sessions in so far).


Stop doing this. Shift the focus to you. I understand breakups are hard. I would be lying if I told you I don't think of my x addict now and again. I was obsessive as well shortly after I walked away from him. That has stopped
it does get better.

What you need to come to terms with (and your therapist can help) is why you feel so little for yourself that you want the destruction, heartache and chaos an addict brings to our lives.

Sungrl

I started seeing a therapist as well, and we talk about her almost the entire time each session (2 sessions in so far).

Stop doing this. Shift the focus to you. I understand breakups are hard. I would be lying if I told you I don't think of my x addict now and again. I was obsessive as well shortly after I walked away from him. That has stopped it does get better.

What you need to come to terms with (and your therapist can help) is why you feel so little for yourself that you want the destruction, heartache and chaos an addict brings to our lives.

KCrazy

I listen to country music on the radio at work, every song nowadays is about going to the bar, or drinking one, or tailgating. Literally, almost every song now. It's a constant reminder how much our society puts on alcohol and how it's OK, it's not. It's destroying so many lives and it's just sad that this is what we push to people. Have fun, party, drink, get black out drunk. It's making me sick - BrokenHeart

AGREE 100%

Have THOUGHT this for awhile now! Thank you for saying it! Thought I was the only one!

FireSprite

Welcome, you've gotten great advice already so I don't want to repeat.

I do want to point out the irony of your first 2 sentences though:

and then:

It sounds to me like she was already having a very strong love affair with alcohol before you met her & started a SECONDARY relationship. The alcohol was there before you & she remains loyal to it above & beyond anything else in her life... including you.

Perhaps it will help your perspective to think about how you can't lose something that wasn't really there to being with? (I know it always helps me when others here point my own hypocrisy/ironies out for me, so I hope you take this in that same spirit. )

BrokenHeart88

No, believe me I appreciate all the comments and harsh truth. When you're in something it's hard to see what it really is. If someone told me what I said I'd probably call them an idiot and tell them to ditch the person. I need to hear these things.

What I wonder is, are there ever any success stories? We are all here because things didn't work out, and things are awful and we need to talk. Does anyone ever feel motivated to come to these boards to share happy endings, do they ever happen?

KCrazy

Good Question! I'd like to know as well!

FireSprite

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

You'll find that we consider Success Stories to be about *us* - not *them*.

I'm still with my RAH, I've been in recovery for 3 years at this point. RAH has been in recovery the same amount of time, relapsed last year & started recovery again, more purposefully & with more honesty than before.

I've stopped thinking of it in terms of happy endings but am striving for more of a Happy Everyday. (semantics, I know ) Recovery isn't something with a beginning & an end - it's more of a constantly evolving & changing cycle of growth.

SoberLife2014

BrokenHeart88,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and I'm sorry to hear about her. As someone who has been addicted to alcohol I CAN tell you that there are success stories. I battled alcohol for about 6 years and my husband went through hell with me. Now we are a happy family again. Underneath it all she probably is a beautiful, intelligent, lovely woman. The only problem is... is it sounds like she's addicted to alcohol. It's unfortunate, but you can't control her. No amount of love, pleading, or persistence can change her mind. Only she can change her mind. You can only control YOU. I went through a lot with my alcoholism and after EVERYTHING I went through. After rehab, my family reaching out to me, my husband almost divorcing me, etc etc do you know what finally got me to quit? Me. I made a decision to quit. Not my husband. Not the court. Not AA. Not even my own baby. I had to say "enough is enough". I hope she gets to that point, but you have to realize that she many never quit and there's nothing you can do about it.

biminiblue

I would also gently encourage you to find another script to tell yourself about this relationship.

She was never fully present. You don't even know the real her, without alcohol. We alcoholics are the life of the party. We are energetic, intelligent, witty and uninhibited. Larger than life, because we live in illusion. This makes for great sexual chemistry but bad long-term relationships. I would be careful branding her "the love of my life." That becomes a place of victimhood for you and allows you to wallow in the loss instead of being grateful for the bullet you dodged.

Just an observation. The stories we tell ourselves in our heads have a way of getting twisted and become far removed from the reality of the situation. This was a one year drunken mess, from where I sit.

love4menotu

Yes BrokenHeart... I have shared how my boyfriend is recovering from alcoholism and we are still together. My bf went through hell, and I was expecting him to die from the disease. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, he was near death. I know he loves me and that was not enough to stop his drinking. It was only when he was about to lose EVERYTHING and his family and I were about to turn away - that was when he made the decision to go to rehab.

I asked him just the other day what made him decide to stop, once and for all. He said he was just so tired of poisoning himself. The one thing my bf never did is say that he didn't have a problem with alcohol. He knew he had a problem and was very close to saying goodbye to me because he couldn't stop. He was trying to find ways to keep drinking and live the way he wanted to live. That wasn't possible, so he quit.

Listen, we all lie to ourselves because we can't face what is in the mirror. My bf did it, I do it... Your xgf, well... she can't face it. It takes a lot of guts to admit you have a problem and then courage to see yourself through to a resolution.

I thank God every day that my love is still alive and that we have another day together. I don't know what will happen next, just gotta keep one foot in front of the other and keep living. I can tell you though, if my bf picked up again I would not be able to be with him. I would leave and continue to live my life the best I could. I've never told him this, but I think he knows.

This too shall pass, my friend.