Why me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 34
Why me?
Although i haven't posted in ages, I have been quietly lurking and absorbing all your knowledge; and just knowing others are going/have been through the same experience is somewhat comforting (although I wish none of us have to endure this).
A brief update, I eventually got my XAP to leave the house in July, after I realized he wasn't going to stop drinking after 9 years of me supporting him through seizures, hospital stays, court appearances, detox's, mental abuse and neglect, and basically much of a sh!tty time.
So he eventually left and got a flat at the end of my avenue!! Hardly moving on is it? But I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he wanted to be close to our 2 children so i said nothing. He now sees the kids about 6 hours a week- so once again he's letting me and my opinion of him down.
I have been going through a cycle of emotions, I could spend 4 day/nights feeling awful and then maybe one or two days feeling positive, then back to awful.
Today is a particularly awful day. I really feel like sh!t. Why me- what on earth have I done wrong to end up being treated this way? Why does everyone else get to be happy and I don't? MY heart is broken and I feel empty inside. I feel like I have no friends as they are all busy with their own lives so i have not much adult contact and I have had to quit work as i have no childcare. The only respite I get from my kids are when he takes them for the approx 6 hours a week.
He called by last night asking me to change his passwords on his online banking and me like a good wee codie was more than willing to oblige, but when I asked if he could have the kids for a few hours he said no as he was doing his washing. W.T.F!!!!!!!!!! I'm minding the kids all the time and i can manage to keep the house clean and do the washing but he cant/wont!
Thing is, where my family (and support would be) is a boat or a plane away and the only reason I've not moved back is so the kids can see their dad. But why am i putting myself through this hardship (and what feels like torture) for them to see him a few hours a week? I think I'm afraid of what would happen to him if I did move back home. But I'm also afraid of whats going to happen to me if I stay. So confused.
Wow sorry for such a long post, I needed to get that out and I reckon its better for me to post here where people can understand some of what im going through rather than FB lol!!
Thanks for listening
(an extremely) Tiredmum
A brief update, I eventually got my XAP to leave the house in July, after I realized he wasn't going to stop drinking after 9 years of me supporting him through seizures, hospital stays, court appearances, detox's, mental abuse and neglect, and basically much of a sh!tty time.
So he eventually left and got a flat at the end of my avenue!! Hardly moving on is it? But I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he wanted to be close to our 2 children so i said nothing. He now sees the kids about 6 hours a week- so once again he's letting me and my opinion of him down.
I have been going through a cycle of emotions, I could spend 4 day/nights feeling awful and then maybe one or two days feeling positive, then back to awful.
Today is a particularly awful day. I really feel like sh!t. Why me- what on earth have I done wrong to end up being treated this way? Why does everyone else get to be happy and I don't? MY heart is broken and I feel empty inside. I feel like I have no friends as they are all busy with their own lives so i have not much adult contact and I have had to quit work as i have no childcare. The only respite I get from my kids are when he takes them for the approx 6 hours a week.
He called by last night asking me to change his passwords on his online banking and me like a good wee codie was more than willing to oblige, but when I asked if he could have the kids for a few hours he said no as he was doing his washing. W.T.F!!!!!!!!!! I'm minding the kids all the time and i can manage to keep the house clean and do the washing but he cant/wont!
Thing is, where my family (and support would be) is a boat or a plane away and the only reason I've not moved back is so the kids can see their dad. But why am i putting myself through this hardship (and what feels like torture) for them to see him a few hours a week? I think I'm afraid of what would happen to him if I did move back home. But I'm also afraid of whats going to happen to me if I stay. So confused.
Wow sorry for such a long post, I needed to get that out and I reckon its better for me to post here where people can understand some of what im going through rather than FB lol!!
Thanks for listening
(an extremely) Tiredmum
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 21
I wonder the same thing for myself. And it's a horrible feeling. When we put so much effort in and try harder than anyone has ever tried, things don't work out and we are left in pain.
I've heard a number of people tell me, "it shouldn't be so hard. You should have to try harder than anyone has ever tried." I still have yet to believe this.
Do what is best for you and your kids. 6 hours a week is something, but its not enough. If it's best for you to be near family and friends, it will be best for them, too.
I've heard a number of people tell me, "it shouldn't be so hard. You should have to try harder than anyone has ever tried." I still have yet to believe this.
Do what is best for you and your kids. 6 hours a week is something, but its not enough. If it's best for you to be near family and friends, it will be best for them, too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The hardest things for me were acceptance and expectations. I based my expectations of my AMom and XABF on what I wanted them to be, not who they actually were, and I was forever disappointed and let down. I had to let go of my expectations and accept each of them for what they were and were not capable of, and then make decisions accordingly about how I wanted to live my life. Was it sad? Of course. Were their choices confusing and hurtful to me? Yep. Was there anything that I could do about any of that? Nope.
If there is more support for you and your kids elsewhere, don't martyr yourself for the sake of someone who uses laundry as an excuse not to spend time with his kids. You wouldn't be making impossible for him to see them, it would just require more effort on HIS part (note: NOT yours). Do what you have to do to take care of YOU. He is a grown up and capable of figuring out his issues and needs without you.
If there is more support for you and your kids elsewhere, don't martyr yourself for the sake of someone who uses laundry as an excuse not to spend time with his kids. You wouldn't be making impossible for him to see them, it would just require more effort on HIS part (note: NOT yours). Do what you have to do to take care of YOU. He is a grown up and capable of figuring out his issues and needs without you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tiredmum....yes, worrying about his welfare more than yourself is a sure sign of "C0-Dependency". Or another way of looking at that (that I like, better) is: "Having more of a relationship with another than you have with yourself".
Remember that a person can't be a doormat unless they lie down, first. (something that a friend told me years age).
Asking "why me" is usually pretty unproductive (and, we often don't like the answer to that one!). Asking "what can I do about it?" gets better results...LOL!!
Keep on your path of your own recovery......that is what will lead you out of the forest.....
dandylion
Remember that a person can't be a doormat unless they lie down, first. (something that a friend told me years age).
Asking "why me" is usually pretty unproductive (and, we often don't like the answer to that one!). Asking "what can I do about it?" gets better results...LOL!!
Keep on your path of your own recovery......that is what will lead you out of the forest.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 34
it shouldn't be so hard. You should have to try harder than anyone has ever tried.
that is such a true saying and im sorry your feeling the same way atm.
Sparklekitty, knowing what to do and doing it are two completely things aren't they? I mean I know i have to let go of my expectations of him, I suppose I've got to learn the mindset that everyone has isn't the same as mine. (I must be a slow leaner lol after countless years)
And yes, I agree about having support close to hand, I think what is stopping me more than anything is his reaction if i tell him we are leaving.
Dandylion- your comment really hit a nerve with me lol. When I asked the question I suppose it was in the sense that why did I have to be the one who is hurt beyond belief and all for the sake of a bottle! I consider myself to be a nice person, so why do I have to be unhappy when others are happy?
But I do understand what you mean and I'm not normally the type of person who feels sorry for myself, as I said I'm having a bad day. So I thank you for giving me something to think about!
that is such a true saying and im sorry your feeling the same way atm.
Sparklekitty, knowing what to do and doing it are two completely things aren't they? I mean I know i have to let go of my expectations of him, I suppose I've got to learn the mindset that everyone has isn't the same as mine. (I must be a slow leaner lol after countless years)
And yes, I agree about having support close to hand, I think what is stopping me more than anything is his reaction if i tell him we are leaving.
Dandylion- your comment really hit a nerve with me lol. When I asked the question I suppose it was in the sense that why did I have to be the one who is hurt beyond belief and all for the sake of a bottle! I consider myself to be a nice person, so why do I have to be unhappy when others are happy?
But I do understand what you mean and I'm not normally the type of person who feels sorry for myself, as I said I'm having a bad day. So I thank you for giving me something to think about!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
tired mum.....I understand completely. I have been a single mother of three little ones (one still in diapers and one still potty training....and, working full time....with a narcissistic ex husband. I have been sooo tired.....you have my complete empathy here!!!!
We are all entitled to ventilate and even to feel sorry for ourselves, at times (I consider a "pity party" as good self care). If we don't have empathy for ourselves---how can we expect others to...LOL!
The bare reality is that if we pick an alcoholic (intentional or not) and we stay with them--we are going to get hurt. All the loved ones with an active alcoholic gets hurt. That is the nature of the disease. It will try to destroy the alcoholic and everyone who is closely associated. (now, do you see why I said not to ask "why me"?).....LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just keep putting your welfare first and you will make it through this!
dandylion
We are all entitled to ventilate and even to feel sorry for ourselves, at times (I consider a "pity party" as good self care). If we don't have empathy for ourselves---how can we expect others to...LOL!
The bare reality is that if we pick an alcoholic (intentional or not) and we stay with them--we are going to get hurt. All the loved ones with an active alcoholic gets hurt. That is the nature of the disease. It will try to destroy the alcoholic and everyone who is closely associated. (now, do you see why I said not to ask "why me"?).....LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just keep putting your welfare first and you will make it through this!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
tiredmum, it's time to adopt the OXYGEN MASK rule.....don your OWN mask FIRST, then help others. if you don't assure your OWN oxygen supply, you've got about 48 seconds of air.
he's doing FINE...has his own apt, only has to manage his own children for SIX hours in a week, and is even doing his own laundry. he doesn't NEED you.
you need you.
your kids need you.
that's it.
if your family is only a boat or plane ride away....wouldn't that be the same distance for HIM to travel - if seeing his kids was THAT important?
he's doing FINE...has his own apt, only has to manage his own children for SIX hours in a week, and is even doing his own laundry. he doesn't NEED you.
you need you.
your kids need you.
that's it.
if your family is only a boat or plane ride away....wouldn't that be the same distance for HIM to travel - if seeing his kids was THAT important?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 34
Thanks guys, I'm feeling much better today- gosh this roller coaster of emotions is almost as bad as the roller coaster of being in an alcoholic relationship!!
He is next seeing the kids on Tuesday so I've told him I need to talk to him. What I'm going to say I'm not quite sure yet. I've still alot of thinking to do.
He is next seeing the kids on Tuesday so I've told him I need to talk to him. What I'm going to say I'm not quite sure yet. I've still alot of thinking to do.
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