Do you, as the spouse of an alcoholic, still drink?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Let me clarify, I do believe that a spouse/partners choice to drink does not weigh heavily on the RA's choice not to.
I do believe that there are choices one can make in a newer sober relationship that are healthier for the RA. Seeing a bottle of alcohol for someone committed to sobriety should not cause a relapse. Seeing someone continue what was at one time a habit or ritual concerning how the alcohol was consumed might. Its changing people, places and things.
For example, if the A's ritual began with stopping by the local on watering hole on the way home, stopping by the local watering hole to have a coke wouldn't be a good idea. However, meeting someone at a restaurant after work and having a coke with dinner while they have a glass of wine shouldn't affect the A the same way.
If the alcohol ritual was focused on something in the home then I would change that. If my spouse and I used to have a cocktail as soon as they got home I would stop doing that myself, and replace it with a better choice that did not evoke the memory of what we "used" to do.
Ultimately you do have to deal with what works in them. Some don't care. Some do. My RAH does. He can't stand to be around drunk or buzzed people most especially me. I used to go out for cocktails at least twice a week with friends and co-workers. We weren't just having one lol. Now I will do that but I do only have just one. I don't have much tolerance anymore and can feel the effects 3 sips in. Had continuing to be more social been important then I would have not committed to the relationship, and that wouldn't have made me wrong - I would have been choosing what was important to me and there is nothing wrong with that.
If I feel like catching a buzz and hanging out with my friends then I spend the night with one of my girlfriends. I respect that my RAH doesn't want to be around it, and he respects that if I do I can, and he doesn't have to be around it.
I do believe that there are choices one can make in a newer sober relationship that are healthier for the RA. Seeing a bottle of alcohol for someone committed to sobriety should not cause a relapse. Seeing someone continue what was at one time a habit or ritual concerning how the alcohol was consumed might. Its changing people, places and things.
For example, if the A's ritual began with stopping by the local on watering hole on the way home, stopping by the local watering hole to have a coke wouldn't be a good idea. However, meeting someone at a restaurant after work and having a coke with dinner while they have a glass of wine shouldn't affect the A the same way.
If the alcohol ritual was focused on something in the home then I would change that. If my spouse and I used to have a cocktail as soon as they got home I would stop doing that myself, and replace it with a better choice that did not evoke the memory of what we "used" to do.
Ultimately you do have to deal with what works in them. Some don't care. Some do. My RAH does. He can't stand to be around drunk or buzzed people most especially me. I used to go out for cocktails at least twice a week with friends and co-workers. We weren't just having one lol. Now I will do that but I do only have just one. I don't have much tolerance anymore and can feel the effects 3 sips in. Had continuing to be more social been important then I would have not committed to the relationship, and that wouldn't have made me wrong - I would have been choosing what was important to me and there is nothing wrong with that.
If I feel like catching a buzz and hanging out with my friends then I spend the night with one of my girlfriends. I respect that my RAH doesn't want to be around it, and he respects that if I do I can, and he doesn't have to be around it.
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