Feeling a bit low
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Feeling a bit low
I just put another nail in the marriage coffin, and I feel a bit wobbly. Not because I am missing AH, or wanting to go back to him, but because of my DD's reaction.
A year ago, AH and I purchased a car for my use (a beautiful yellow Mini Cooper), which I intended to keep if I decided to leave. Of course, it was titled in both of our names, as was the loan. Recently, I started having mechanical problems, and AH insisted that he be the one to work on it. I whined to my mother that perhaps I should just sell it and buy a Honda or a Toyota, which would prove to be dependable. She offered to help me out by purchasing it for me if I traded in my Cooper. After thinking about it, I decided to go for it. A few days later, it seems like the right choice, although I was dreading having to tell AH about it. Also, happening this week, he informed me that he has been diagnosed with Lupus (he has been on disability for 6 years, now). So I trudged over to his house on Thursday, after work to tell him about the car and to discuss his diagnosis.
Turns out he was feeling angry. Very angry. I spent an hour listening to him tell me that I didn't care about his health, had never cared, and just plain didn't give a sh+t. I chose not to respond (much) as this has only caused more problems than it has ever solved. I just braced myself and let it roll over me. Then he asked if I was seeing anyone, demanding that I be honest. So I told him that my counselor friend and I were getting closer. Keep in mind that before AH and I separated, my friend and I had lunch and attended football games together. An occasional hug, but nothing else. After I left AH, he wanted to see me more often, and so we do hang out together 2-3 times a week when DD is at her dad's house. No great romance; no intimacy, but we talk about so much. Well, AH went ballistic. I left, and he yelled out the door that he still loves me. Very uncomfortable. He spent that night in DD's ear, and now she has accused me of lying to her and her father.
I am trying to do the right thing and be honest with everyone, and I was smacked down. I am not terribly concerned about what AH says or thinks at this point, but I feel awful about my DD. She is 17, and I worry that I what she thinks about me. We have always been able to talk things out, but this weekend she just shut me out. I know that I have done nothing wrong, but I still feel like I have let her down.
I suppose I should just give her some space and time to sort things out. It is just difficult.
A year ago, AH and I purchased a car for my use (a beautiful yellow Mini Cooper), which I intended to keep if I decided to leave. Of course, it was titled in both of our names, as was the loan. Recently, I started having mechanical problems, and AH insisted that he be the one to work on it. I whined to my mother that perhaps I should just sell it and buy a Honda or a Toyota, which would prove to be dependable. She offered to help me out by purchasing it for me if I traded in my Cooper. After thinking about it, I decided to go for it. A few days later, it seems like the right choice, although I was dreading having to tell AH about it. Also, happening this week, he informed me that he has been diagnosed with Lupus (he has been on disability for 6 years, now). So I trudged over to his house on Thursday, after work to tell him about the car and to discuss his diagnosis.
Turns out he was feeling angry. Very angry. I spent an hour listening to him tell me that I didn't care about his health, had never cared, and just plain didn't give a sh+t. I chose not to respond (much) as this has only caused more problems than it has ever solved. I just braced myself and let it roll over me. Then he asked if I was seeing anyone, demanding that I be honest. So I told him that my counselor friend and I were getting closer. Keep in mind that before AH and I separated, my friend and I had lunch and attended football games together. An occasional hug, but nothing else. After I left AH, he wanted to see me more often, and so we do hang out together 2-3 times a week when DD is at her dad's house. No great romance; no intimacy, but we talk about so much. Well, AH went ballistic. I left, and he yelled out the door that he still loves me. Very uncomfortable. He spent that night in DD's ear, and now she has accused me of lying to her and her father.
I am trying to do the right thing and be honest with everyone, and I was smacked down. I am not terribly concerned about what AH says or thinks at this point, but I feel awful about my DD. She is 17, and I worry that I what she thinks about me. We have always been able to talk things out, but this weekend she just shut me out. I know that I have done nothing wrong, but I still feel like I have let her down.
I suppose I should just give her some space and time to sort things out. It is just difficult.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Your husband is using your daughter as an emotional garbage can. My dad did the same thing to me when my mom left him. So sorry for her. It is awful when a parent puts you in that position.
Re the car thing, my ex husband (not an A and now deceased) had similar weird control issues over cars and other inanimate objects.
You did the right thing. You need a reliable vehicle. He is angry because it is one more tie that he sees you cutting, thus undermining his control.
He would have done the same thing if you took it someplace to get work done, even if he was doing the passive aggressive thing where he insists on doing something that needs doing in order for you to have a functioning vehicle, but also insists on doing it on HIS timeline which of course means you will be hugely inconvenienced.
Honestly, the best thing for you to do is ignore his crap, which you are doing, but also to minimize contact with him, which is more difficult. There is no reason for you to answer his questions about your personal life or to "hang out" with him and try to make nice. I know there is a whole civilized notion we have about being friends with the ex and all that stuff, but it does not take into account the ex being and emotionally unstable alcoholic. I understand that you maybe want to prevent a huge blowup and protect your family from the resulting pain, but unless you move back in and accept his drinking, he is going to blow up and do everything he can to twist the problems around so it's "all your fault."
The real issue is his manipulation of your daughter. Is she in any kind of counseling? Would she be willing to try Alateen? How much has she been educated about alcoholism?
Re the car thing, my ex husband (not an A and now deceased) had similar weird control issues over cars and other inanimate objects.
You did the right thing. You need a reliable vehicle. He is angry because it is one more tie that he sees you cutting, thus undermining his control.
He would have done the same thing if you took it someplace to get work done, even if he was doing the passive aggressive thing where he insists on doing something that needs doing in order for you to have a functioning vehicle, but also insists on doing it on HIS timeline which of course means you will be hugely inconvenienced.
Honestly, the best thing for you to do is ignore his crap, which you are doing, but also to minimize contact with him, which is more difficult. There is no reason for you to answer his questions about your personal life or to "hang out" with him and try to make nice. I know there is a whole civilized notion we have about being friends with the ex and all that stuff, but it does not take into account the ex being and emotionally unstable alcoholic. I understand that you maybe want to prevent a huge blowup and protect your family from the resulting pain, but unless you move back in and accept his drinking, he is going to blow up and do everything he can to twist the problems around so it's "all your fault."
The real issue is his manipulation of your daughter. Is she in any kind of counseling? Would she be willing to try Alateen? How much has she been educated about alcoholism?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
You are under no obligation to participate in an interrogation by your AH. I used to bend over backward trying to be honest with a man who didn't trust me. An exercise in futility and counterproductive - anything I told him was thrown back at me a thousand times.
Stop worrying about what other people think of you. That's codependent. I've been right there!
Stop worrying about what other people think of you. That's codependent. I've been right there!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Yurt, it's not dishonest to keep your private business to yourself, especially if it involved others. Your DD is going through a difficult time, caught between two parents, but try to make it clear to her that you are not answerable to her or her father about your private life.
It sounds a bit harsh, but it's kinder in the end to make no apologies or explanations, otherwise she may feel somehow responsible for 'policing' you on behalf of her father. Take her out of the loop, apart from common-sense communication that happens place when you share a house with someone.
It sounds a bit harsh, but it's kinder in the end to make no apologies or explanations, otherwise she may feel somehow responsible for 'policing' you on behalf of her father. Take her out of the loop, apart from common-sense communication that happens place when you share a house with someone.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Honesty is not always the best policy. You have no responsibility to ever admit or explain your private life to your STBXH.
You cannot control what he says, you can control the information he is given. Of course he used it against you - separated or not you are still his wife. Any opportunity an addict gets to place the blame on someone else they are going to run with it. He is sitting at home having a pity party and now he will add in infidelity on top of it. Trust he will tell everyone you are an affair as to point the blame on you rather than take responsibility for his own actions.
This is why when going through a divorce attorney demand no dating. Its not that its incriminating on any level, but because even when the parties want a divorce jealousy still exists and it makes negotiations very difficult.
If there is a next time, you are under no obligations to listen to this man rant about anything!!!! Pick up your things and leave.
What is your intent with this marriage? I kindly suggest you decide what you are going to do and do it. You are in limbo still married yet separated, and possibly entering into a new relationship. Getting yourself to a position that you do not have to approach AH with things like a car sale and the like, or having to depend on him to sign over papers etc. would do you a world of good.
You cannot control what he says, you can control the information he is given. Of course he used it against you - separated or not you are still his wife. Any opportunity an addict gets to place the blame on someone else they are going to run with it. He is sitting at home having a pity party and now he will add in infidelity on top of it. Trust he will tell everyone you are an affair as to point the blame on you rather than take responsibility for his own actions.
This is why when going through a divorce attorney demand no dating. Its not that its incriminating on any level, but because even when the parties want a divorce jealousy still exists and it makes negotiations very difficult.
If there is a next time, you are under no obligations to listen to this man rant about anything!!!! Pick up your things and leave.
What is your intent with this marriage? I kindly suggest you decide what you are going to do and do it. You are in limbo still married yet separated, and possibly entering into a new relationship. Getting yourself to a position that you do not have to approach AH with things like a car sale and the like, or having to depend on him to sign over papers etc. would do you a world of good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I appreciate the encouragement. I probably should not have answered AH's question about my friend, but now that it is done, it is time to move on. On the positive side, I have told him at least 5 times that I am not coming back, and he refused to believe it. I think he finally gets it now.
During this last conversation, he also reversed himself, saying that he never had a drinking problem. It was the disease (Lupus) all along that caused him to act inappropriately. He told me that he wants a "friendly divorce", so I will set up an appointment with the paralegal that I contacted so that I can meet with him next week. DD turns 18 in October, which is when I plan to file.
During this last conversation, he also reversed himself, saying that he never had a drinking problem. It was the disease (Lupus) all along that caused him to act inappropriately. He told me that he wants a "friendly divorce", so I will set up an appointment with the paralegal that I contacted so that I can meet with him next week. DD turns 18 in October, which is when I plan to file.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
I just drafted an email to AH, which I will send after DD comes over to spend her 4 days at my house (she stays from S-W). I spelled out my intentions, clarified my involvement with my friend (I know, I don't have to do this part), and asked that he not involve DD in any more discussions.
I felt much better afterwards; even a bit empowered. I do believe that most of our communication will have to be using this method most of the time. The only time that I am able to talk to him face to face is in the evenings, and that always ends in disaster (for obvious reasons).
I felt much better afterwards; even a bit empowered. I do believe that most of our communication will have to be using this method most of the time. The only time that I am able to talk to him face to face is in the evenings, and that always ends in disaster (for obvious reasons).
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Yurt 
Putting down the shovel and attempting to climb out. Not so sure if I should send the email, but it is ready to go if I feel this way again.
And hey, I know in the moment, somethings seem one way and different in another . . . . but tying the Filing Date to Daughter's Birthday . . . ..
Stepping WAY OUT of Alanon . . . but DO NOT DO THAT.
If daughter figures that out . . . (duh, huh?) That will be "Mom's Birthday Present" the rest of her life.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
UGH! This is exactly what my dad did when he and my mom split up. Honestly, my mom cheated and got caught. I was 18 at the time and, quite frankly, once I got over the brief anger at my mother I grew more angry at my father for putting me in the middle and for telling me everything he did.
As it turns out, my mom is still happily with this man she cheated with and I see him as a second father to me. My son loves him and, even though I don't see eye to eye with him on many things, I appreciate the fact that he's been nothing but a loving husband to my mother. I have absolutely no ill will towards my mom for moving forward with her life. I had a few months of self pity, anger, and frustration but eventually that just got aimed more at my dad because it became obvious to me that he was the one with the issues.
My dad did meet someone soon after the divorce was final. He found an alcoholic woman at the bar who could smoke just as much as he could and drink even more. They were together until his death 3 years ago and I still keep in contact with her today. I love her, too, she cared for my dad in his dying days and she made no excuses for his bad behavior.
Through my parent's divorce, my life was enhanced by the presence of my step-parents and I am so grateful for both of them and for what they've contributed to my life.
Anyway, I shared my story a bit here to give you hope that your daughter will heal and will get over it. She just needs time. The important thing to focus on is how will you handle interactions with your XAH in the future? What did you learn from this so that you can get healthy and stay healthy and keep those boundaries intact?
As it turns out, my mom is still happily with this man she cheated with and I see him as a second father to me. My son loves him and, even though I don't see eye to eye with him on many things, I appreciate the fact that he's been nothing but a loving husband to my mother. I have absolutely no ill will towards my mom for moving forward with her life. I had a few months of self pity, anger, and frustration but eventually that just got aimed more at my dad because it became obvious to me that he was the one with the issues.
My dad did meet someone soon after the divorce was final. He found an alcoholic woman at the bar who could smoke just as much as he could and drink even more. They were together until his death 3 years ago and I still keep in contact with her today. I love her, too, she cared for my dad in his dying days and she made no excuses for his bad behavior.
Through my parent's divorce, my life was enhanced by the presence of my step-parents and I am so grateful for both of them and for what they've contributed to my life.
Anyway, I shared my story a bit here to give you hope that your daughter will heal and will get over it. She just needs time. The important thing to focus on is how will you handle interactions with your XAH in the future? What did you learn from this so that you can get healthy and stay healthy and keep those boundaries intact?
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