Ready to throw in the towel
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Ready to throw in the towel
So today RAH went to his rehab reunion thing and I planned on going to my own church and my parents for my dads/my joint birthday. RAH had wanted me to come to the reunion and I said no. I wanted to do these things today. Except I didn't make it to church. I overslept and when I am away from church for too long, I forget my HP is there and I let the despair sink in again. So I was mad at myself for not going and I spent much of the day in bed crying. I did make it to my parents and that was good. It was good to see my brothers but it was again so easy to just sit back becoming a wallflower and observing life. Even with my own family. People talk over me. That is always how it is in groups. People always talk over me, so I never feel heard. So I just sit there and space out......like Im not there. And it was my birthday.
And my dad was drinking of course. He was already drinking when I got there and he grew increasingly more agitated over how he wanted to "sell all this **** and move to Iowa" Its almost like a threat. My dad has a lot of money.....and its like, "well if I sell everything and move yall are SOL" or trying to make us feel guilty because "if I didn't have these damn 6 kids to take care of I could do what I want". And I know this because its been a running theme of his my whole life. Even though he has no legs to stand on about taking care of the 6 kids anymore. We are all adults, except my 2 brothers still in college. I just wanted to yell at him, "If you want to move to your The Conjuring house, just do it already!" The house he always makes us look at, that he went to Davenport IA to look at and is on the market for a song, looks exactly like the house from The Conjuring, So that sucked. But good to be with my brothers. I wish my dad would have buggered off to his cave to play WoW like he frequently does.
So I came home and RAH had just arrived home from his AA meeting. This meeting I scouted for him. Not intentionally, there is an Al Anon meeting same time same place and I noticed the people at the AA meeting looked like "his" type of people. Young and tatted up. Initially RAH had balked when I told him Id probably not be home at 8 because if my mom invites you for dinner, you usually aren't out of there until quarter till nine. And he said. "boundaries" about this. Well this is NOT my boundary. So I texted him I wouldn't be home before 8 and how to get to his meeting. Its sort of out of the way. If you just showed up at the church it would take you a while to find it. He ended up going anyway.
I am so fed up with all this "recovery" crap, I am tired of constantly reframing every single thought I have......."well WHY do I feel this way about what X said" "What DO I like to do" "How do I start to like myself or figure out what I like to do" Its exhausting and I am just tired of it. Really tired of it. I am exhausted and depressed and everytime I see something that might look fun it ends up costing money which I don't have.
He wanted me to write his letter of resignation for his job for him. I told him no. Hes a big boy, its his problem to send a resignation letter. Its HIS job hes quitting after all.
And my dad was drinking of course. He was already drinking when I got there and he grew increasingly more agitated over how he wanted to "sell all this **** and move to Iowa" Its almost like a threat. My dad has a lot of money.....and its like, "well if I sell everything and move yall are SOL" or trying to make us feel guilty because "if I didn't have these damn 6 kids to take care of I could do what I want". And I know this because its been a running theme of his my whole life. Even though he has no legs to stand on about taking care of the 6 kids anymore. We are all adults, except my 2 brothers still in college. I just wanted to yell at him, "If you want to move to your The Conjuring house, just do it already!" The house he always makes us look at, that he went to Davenport IA to look at and is on the market for a song, looks exactly like the house from The Conjuring, So that sucked. But good to be with my brothers. I wish my dad would have buggered off to his cave to play WoW like he frequently does.
So I came home and RAH had just arrived home from his AA meeting. This meeting I scouted for him. Not intentionally, there is an Al Anon meeting same time same place and I noticed the people at the AA meeting looked like "his" type of people. Young and tatted up. Initially RAH had balked when I told him Id probably not be home at 8 because if my mom invites you for dinner, you usually aren't out of there until quarter till nine. And he said. "boundaries" about this. Well this is NOT my boundary. So I texted him I wouldn't be home before 8 and how to get to his meeting. Its sort of out of the way. If you just showed up at the church it would take you a while to find it. He ended up going anyway.
I am so fed up with all this "recovery" crap, I am tired of constantly reframing every single thought I have......."well WHY do I feel this way about what X said" "What DO I like to do" "How do I start to like myself or figure out what I like to do" Its exhausting and I am just tired of it. Really tired of it. I am exhausted and depressed and everytime I see something that might look fun it ends up costing money which I don't have.
He wanted me to write his letter of resignation for his job for him. I told him no. Hes a big boy, its his problem to send a resignation letter. Its HIS job hes quitting after all.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Terp...Happy Belated Birthday! I am sorry you missed church, I know what you mean, if I am away much things don't go so well for me either. I need that time with my HP.
It sounds to me you are getting to a place that you are being forced to get to know yourself, to find out who is Terp. That's hard. I know for myself, I had spent 18 years being a codie and putting everyone else first, so when it came to me, I was lost. Had no idea.
There are things to do that you don't have to spend money, especially in the fall. Look for those things. Go with a friend or someone you will have a nice time with. I went w/ a friend to a fair on Friday, stopped and had dinner on the way home. It was so nice to just enjoy talking and spending time with someone who understands me, and I understand her.
I agree, you guys are still in the walking on eggshells stage. That's ok. Give it some time, breathe, focus on YOU and find things that do make you happy.
Many hugs coming to you today!
It sounds to me you are getting to a place that you are being forced to get to know yourself, to find out who is Terp. That's hard. I know for myself, I had spent 18 years being a codie and putting everyone else first, so when it came to me, I was lost. Had no idea.
There are things to do that you don't have to spend money, especially in the fall. Look for those things. Go with a friend or someone you will have a nice time with. I went w/ a friend to a fair on Friday, stopped and had dinner on the way home. It was so nice to just enjoy talking and spending time with someone who understands me, and I understand her.
I agree, you guys are still in the walking on eggshells stage. That's ok. Give it some time, breathe, focus on YOU and find things that do make you happy.
Many hugs coming to you today!
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