HealthyLiving

Thank you for that, horriblethisis. It's good to hear from someone in a similar situation.

I remember a year or so ago a friend saying to me: everyone has their crap. You just have to decide which crap you can put up with and which you can't. Well, that's when I decided to give the relationship more time. As long as I didn't get too drawn in to his alcoholic ways, I told myself, I might be able to remain happy with this guy. Now, I'm forcing myself to write out a list of all the negatives (inc. those unrelated to alcohol) just to curtail my impulses to contact him. Another negative reinforcement: photos of my BF when he was really drunk. Every time I get the urge to call or text him, I make myself take a very hard look at those. Looking back, I realize I probably kept those photos for this very reason. Just in case.

Sigh...

firebolt

The photos are a great idea!

Now that I really think about - in EVERY photo I have of ABF, he is either drinking or buzzed. A year ago, this thought would have made me want to take some early morning pictures of him....but now I know that I'd just have a bunch of photos of him thinking about making a drink.

NYCDoglvr

I've been in his shoes, 22 years ago before I got sober. Trust me on this: there is nothing anyone can do or say that will keep an alcoholic from drinking. We do get sober but not because of other people. For alcoholics, booze is the most important thing in life, God, best friend, great love. People, even those we love, are secondary. His actions speak loud and clear: he'd rather drink than have a happy relationship!

HealthyLiving

Thank you NYCdoglvr. I had been hoping to hear from those who are in recovery themselves.

This might be a naive question, but does it ever help to think of addiction as some hostile alien that has taken up residence in one's body (or a bad spirit possessing it, etc.) so as to remove blame and guilt and instead look at it as the disease it is? Llike a cancer that must be identified, faced and dealt with by the host?

torquemax777

Sometimes alcoholics post on friends and family and vice versa; so I was thinking if you wanted an alcoholics perspective, you could post on the "alcoholism" forum. Just an idea.

LadyinBC

Take the advice and move on. Believe me us alcoholics know what we have done and what we have lost. Close the crack.

You need to turn this around and write to yourself thanking you for all the good things you have done for YOU and next writing about all the new, good things you are going to do for YOU.

He needs to focus on himself. Focusing on him takes away from your recovery, you need to heal from all this too. Be kind to yourself and remember you HAVE to come first.

Timetoheal12

My relationship with my ex wasn't as long as yours.
But he was also very loving, and this made me (when I left him) feel guilty and sad too.

I too thought that he "wasn't as bad as other alcoholics"... Truth is... Time is passing by and as the disease is progressive, he is showing some more true colors that I don't really like at all. I'm working towards my own personal growth, and a re-definition of my self esteem. We have to be convinced that we deserve more.


Take care!

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a mental illness according to the AMA, not an alien host. An alcoholic can't help being one but if we get sober we learn we have a choice. We can drink today or not drink today. In AA I got tools to deal with my addiction, to not drink one day at a time. The 12 Steps plus therapy dealt with the "ism" of the disease (self-centeredness, selfishness, self will, enormous ego combined with low self-esteem. "His majesty the child!" In "Alcoholic's Anonymous" Bill Wilson says that drinking is but a symptom of a much bigger problem. The craving for alcohol is a compulsion (like the codependent's craving for the alcoholic). The biggest problem in all addiction (including codependency) is denial and rationalization. Delusional thinking, in other words.

I also had a very painful codependent relationship so I know what you're going through. Alanon was enormously helpful and I recommend it. Afterward, I was able to look back and see I picked another "drug" to help me ignore my own issues. It's much easier to focus on another person than yourself.

BrokenInPieces

A friend said the same thing to me. Along with, "you have to accept him as he is or move on". I knew both statements were so very true, but I was overwhelmed with guilt. Sober, he was the man that I wanted to spend my life with. He was a true gentleman, respectful, loving, caring, thoughtful, generous, educated, financially stable, could make me laugh, etc. etc. Being with him was one of the most comfortable, secure feelings I'd ever experienced with another person. I was happier than I had ever been in a relationship.

But he drinks. Every night. Almost a pint of hard alcohol. Every. single. night.

I realize now that - even early on - there was always a nagging in my gut that it wasn't ok. As our relationship moved forward, the nagging grew and I became more aware of how present it was. I struggled between being so deeply in love with him and wanting to share my life with him, and being scared to death to even take another step forward and further commit myself to him (ie - moving in, marriage).

The guilt I felt was overwhelming. I'd spend a fantastic weekend with him, then be choking back tears on Monday morning knowing that I just couldn't keep going like that. That same time every night... listening to the squeak of the cabinet door as he took the bottle out... the sound of him grabbing the ice cubes from the tray... the sound of the ice cubes going into the glass... the glug-glug as he poured the first... the second... the third drink... the popping of the ice in the glass as it sat on the table next to us as we watched tv... the three beeps of the alarm on the door to the garage as he went out for his "nightcap"... and again when he came back in... the slurred goodnight... the stumble to the bathroom during the night that would wake me up, and I'd wait to make sure he got back to bed ok. I loathed that routine. And that was just the two nights I spent with him on the weekend. I knew I couldn't do that every single night.

My guilt battled my resentment on a daily basis - because he wasn't a jerk. He was a good man. I beat myself up constantly (and admittedly still do) wondering what my problem was that I couldn't be ok with his drinking.

HealthyLiving

Thank you so much for sharing that. My XABF never blamed anyone but himself, didn't lie about his drinking, and treated me like a goddess in every way except...his drinking. I'm still struggling over my breakup with him. I did it because all the "rules" said it would never work, yet I can't help but wonder if I lost a great guy because I was going with conventional thinking more than anything else. I'm sure this sounds pathetic to many of you! But damn, I miss him.

BrokenInPieces

It doesn't sound pathetic at all - at least not to me. I'm sooo struggling with my breakup. I miss him so, so much. He was truly "the one" - except for the drinking. I have never been treated so well or felt so genuinely loved by anyone. It really, really hurts and the loss is overwhelming at times. I still don't "get" how someone - when presented with sharing a beautiful life with the person they love or sitting in the garage alone every night with a bottle of booze... would choose the booze without hesitation.

Mine didn't blame me, nor did he hide it. It was simply "This is my thing. I enjoy it. It's not going anywhere." He didn't fit the "alcoholic" descriptions I've read here. At one time, someone here had even suggested to me that maybe he *wasn't*.

But he drinks - alot - every single night. That nagging in my gut kept telling me that he didn't fit the description... yet.

It wasn't the "rules" that were telling me it would never work. It was my heart. The same heart that loves him dearly.

HealthyLiving

I would be interested in hearing from the alcoholics on this aspect. My boyfriend identified himself as an alcoholic early on in our relationship, though I think he was trying to defuse that with humor. In any case, though he did not drink every night and in fact went 30 days recently without any alcohol, and pretty much laughed about it the whole way, he still had a stance of: this is who I am and I enjoy drinking. Of course, then there were the times when, in a moment of deep introspection, he would admit that drinking was taking a serious toll on his life.

HealthyLiving

It's been 5 weeks since I broke up with my ABF and I am really, really, really close to asking if he'd like to meet "just to talk" (truth: I can't help but imagine more than that). Figured I'd better post here and hopefully get talked out of it! :-o

I've been going to Al-Anon and a women's codependency group. Also weekly therapy. But the pull to reach out to him is soooooo strong. Help!

Ixi

Nooo!!!!

For over a year, I saw my XABF as Jekyl and Hyde. When he was a few days sober and re-committed to staying that way, we would refer to "drunk him" as "that guy" like he was another person. He's not. You can't exorcise the alcoholism from the alcoholic.

Stay strong, HealthyLiving! Remember your username and continue to make healthy choices!

NWGRITS

Videoing 20-30 TIMES A DAY?!? Even without alcohol, that is so far from healthy that they're not even in same zip code. None of his behaviors or your actions/reactions to are healthy, except the actual leaving and Al-Anon/therapy parts (and notice neither of those last two are about him). Don't contact him. Stay far, far away!

HealthyLiving

No, I meant altogether we had contact (via phone calls, texts, emails or sometimes video greetings) 20-30 times a day. Is that really that crazy for two extroverts who loved each other? His job required him to be away quite a bit and he always wanted me to know where he was (even if it was at a bar).

LoveMeNow

Every time I went back, it only made it harder to walk away. He became my drug of choice. I finally decided that I could love him from a safe distance (1400 miles away) because a little of him - only left me craving more.

P.S. Clean and sober, my STBXH was amazing. Problem was, I didn't want amazing 25% of the time. I began to know that I deserved better and I want amazing 100% of the time.

HealthyLiving

Thanks for that. I'm hoping that sticks with me.

SparkleKitty

It's natural that as you begin to focus more on YOU and your stuff without distractions, the impulse to go back to something familiar, even if it wasn't healthy for you, grows stronger. It is EASIER to be with someone and pretend everything is better than it is. Until it isn't.

You might not be done yet. That's okay. But you might also be too far out of denial to go back to how things were. That's okay too.

I promise you that working on yourself and your issues gets easier. Relationships NEVER fix people. People fix themselves. I used to think that was a sad concept, now I just empowerment and peace in it.

HealthyLiving

I just miss him. So very much.