horriblethisis

My boyfriend drinks a lot, never quite sure if he was/is an alchoholic during our break-ups when I ran away, afraid. I have had major trust issues because of my past marriage, so I tend to blow things up a bit, when maybe it's not as bad as I thought??
I have been seeing him for three months now, he has really cut down on his drinking. He only drinks socially with me, when we go out, and never to the point of intoxication. He has been great and assures me that he never wants to let his best friend down ever again. I believe him (this time)...

Does anyone have any success stories that they can share if they stayed, and it ACTUALLY WORKED OUT??

Mags1

I was the drinker and I had to stop completely. I didn't want to do any of the horrible stuff I did when drunk but I did. Abstinence was the only thing.

I lived with my dad when I was young, he was a boozer, drank heavy and I guess he was an alcoholic, all his family drank. Lovely when sober but jeckyl and Hyde when he drank.

Blossom717

My success story is in the works...but it doesn't include a recovering alcoholic.

If he is actually an alcoholic then drinking socially is only going to lead him back down the rabbit hole.

Thats just my point of view. good luck!

lillamy

Hi & welcome!

This statement, in itself, is enough for you to qualify for being here.

What do you mean "maybe it's not as bad as I thought"??? In comparison to what? Getting infected with the ebola virus? Being kidnapped by a cannibal? I think any time we start telling ourselves "I'm overreacting, it's probably not as bad as I make it out to be" -- we need to ask ourselves this question:

Who other than I can judge whether or not this situation is bad enough?

Let me explain what I mean:
I have a good friend whose husband is very needy. She travels for work. Between the time she leaves and the time she gets to the airport (a 2-hour drive), he will have texted her about 40 times and called at least five. He needs to be in constant contact. To me, that would be unbearable. I would put up with that for about three days, tops. But to her it's not a big deal -- he just is who he is, she says, and she's OK with it.

OTOH, to her, being married to a guy who doesn't own a suit and doesn't know how to dance -- like I do -- is unthinkable.

We all have our preferences. We all have our limits for what we find and don't find acceptable. But here's my thing: When I start telling myself I'm overreacting -- that's when I start moving my boundaries. Which can very easily turn into "well he drinks but at least he isn't aggressive when he drinks" which then turns into "well he does get irritable when he's drunk but at least he doesn't hit me" which then turns into "he only hit me once" which then turns into "he's never going to do it again"...

I'm not saying your BF is going to turn into an abuser. But I'm saying -- when you second-guess your own reactions and emotions, you don't trust yourself. And if you don't trust yourself, you're easily taken advantage of in a relationship. Even if you feel like you're the strong one and that maybe, because you are, you can help him.

Here's what I know for sure: If he is an alcoholic "cutting down" on drinking won't last. But whether he is or isn't an alcoholic is less important than this: Does his drinking have you worried? (Well, yeah -- you're here...) And if it does -- does it matter what you call it?

Looking in my rear view mirror, I have to sit on my hands in order not to say "if all you've invested is three months, cut your losses." But that's not what you asked.

When my ex went to rehab, I think the numbers he got was something like -- 30% of the people who went to rehab there were still sober a year later; 15% were still sober three years later. So yes, there are people who recover and live sober. (My ex wasn't one of the 30%.) I have a few friends who are recovering alcoholics and wonderful people. I also have a few friends who were recovering alcoholics and aren't anymore -- they chose to go back to drinking. All of the latter group are divorced.

I think learning a lot about alcoholism & addiction, what it does to the addict and what it does to the people who love the addict, is a really good place to start. And after that, it's kind of up to you to place your bets.

atalose

3 months into this relationship and you’ve already broken up with him more than once. Now you are concerned about his drinking. And after only 3 months he considers you his best friend, humm……….sorry but this relationship doesn’t sound healthy for either one of you.

And if you are already starting out making excuses (it’s me and my trust issues) and wanting to believe him (this time)…….it’s doomed for failure.

This is the dating part, the getting to know you stage NOT the lived happily ever after – not 3 months into it.

Needabreak

I just read some of your older posts and it seems you have had a "history" of choosing addicted men. Maybe you're just picking the same man over and over again in a different body? The answer to your anguish is in you, not the guy you're going out with. You wrote the below text over a year ago:

"I’m just so tired of it all – ya know? The opiates and recovery, then opiates and recovery again, now gambling, and “on occasion binge drinking” … all while lying, taking lots and lots of money, being shady and deceitful and lying again! The thing is I love my husband, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. He is not living in the house anymore, and I filed for divorce…but every single day he calls me and tells me how much he loves me and that we are soul mates meant to be together…”remember all the good times”, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, I just turned 47 and spent my birthday alone again this year like last year when crap was going on with him. I am just tired of “taking care of him”…I want someone to take care of me for a change. Is that so selfish???? We have been married for 25 years, and the trust was lost 6 years ago. He says he is not going to lose me and will do whatever it takes (heard that before)…but I don’t know that even if he gets the help that he needs that I want to stay. I feel like a bad person, but I think it is just him manipulating me again…if we divorce and get back together…six months will be fine, and then it will happen all over again – I just know it…is it selfish of me after 25 years to completely let go of him for my own sanity? How do I keep my guard up, so I keep MY sanity and take care of myself cause that is what I should do right?????"


Here's a link to a post from a user named Anvilhead that you might find relates to your situation.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...le-people.html

Timeiskey

Lillamy makes all the right points here. You said that he only drinks socially when he is with you. So what about when you are apart? Sure, it doesn't matter what he does on his own right now, three months in, but what about down the road? And what about your last relationship? You mentioned that you have trust issues from that experience. What I am learning is that I have to work on my issues so that I can be healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship.
I have a philosophy- that we find people who are at our own level of function/dysfunction. They may not have the same symptoms but at the end of the day, its the same script. And since I keep getting into these emotionally painful experiences, I have to do something different to break the cycle. It is all love and sweetness at first. I can easily overlook the red flags for awhile, but by the time that they are waiving in my face in neon colors so bright that I can't look away, I am already emotionally invested and have to go through the painful experience of recovering from another broken heart...that is after I finally stop telling myself that what I have been accepting is enough when it really isn't.

horriblethisis

Wow! Some very eye opening responses!! Thank you so much!!

horriblethisis

I made an error in my original post. This bf I have been seeing for 13 months broke up a few times and now it's been 3 months.

Timeiskey

So you have more time and experience here. I saw the earlier post as well about you previous relationship. Can I suggest a read? Codependent no more. You can read the first three chapters for free on google books. It has helped me tremendously!

AnvilheadII

Hi & welcome!(from Lilamy):

Quote:
I tend to blow things up a bit, when maybe it's not as bad as I thought??

This statement, in itself, is enough for you to qualify for being here.

What do you mean "maybe it's not as bad as I thought"??? In comparison to what? Getting infected with the ebola virus? Being kidnapped by a cannibal? I think any time we start telling ourselves "I'm overreacting, it's probably not as bad as I make it out to be" -- we need to ask ourselves this question:

Who other than I can judge whether or not this situation is bad enough?

Let me explain what I mean:
I have a good friend whose husband is very needy. She travels for work. Between the time she leaves and the time she gets to the airport (a 2-hour drive), he will have texted her about 40 times and called at least five. He needs to be in constant contact. To me, that would be unbearable. I would put up with that for about three days, tops. But to her it's not a big deal -- he just is who he is, she says, and she's OK with it.

OTOH, to her, being married to a guy who doesn't own a suit and doesn't know how to dance -- like I do -- is unthinkable.

We all have our preferences. We all have our limits for what we find and don't find acceptable. But here's my thing: When I start telling myself I'm overreacting -- that's when I start moving my boundaries. Which can very easily turn into "well he drinks but at least he isn't aggressive when he drinks" which then turns into "well he does get irritable when he's drunk but at least he doesn't hit me" which then turns into "he only hit me once" which then turns into "he's never going to do it again"...

I'm not saying your BF is going to turn into an abuser. But I'm saying -- when you second-guess your own reactions and emotions, you don't trust yourself. And if you don't trust yourself, you're easily taken advantage of in a relationship. Even if you feel like you're the strong one and that maybe, because you are, you can help him.

Here's what I know for sure: If he is an alcoholic "cutting down" on drinking won't last. But whether he is or isn't an alcoholic is less important than this: Does his drinking have you worried? (Well, yeah -- you're here...) And if it does -- does it matter what you call it?

Looking in my rear view mirror, I have to sit on my hands in order not to say "if all you've invested is three months, cut your losses." But that's not what you asked.

When my ex went to rehab, I think the numbers he got was something like -- 30% of the people who went to rehab there were still sober a year later; 15% were still sober three years later. So yes, there are people who recover and live sober. (My ex wasn't one of the 30%.) I have a few friends who are recovering alcoholics and wonderful people. I also have a few friends who were recovering alcoholics and aren't anymore -- they chose to go back to drinking. All of the latter group are divorced.

I think learning a lot about alcoholism & addiction, what it does to the addict and what it does to the people who love the addict, is a really good place to start. And after that, it's kind of up to you to place your bets.

This is the BEST post I've ever read here.....

meggem

Lill that post was AWESOME

lillamy

Well thank you! I'm afraid some of it is hard to hear (I know it was for me when I first got here) but the sad thing is -- recovery is difficult, whether you're the addict or the codie.

Also -- I'm not sure if I've told this story here before, but it was a scary one for me...

I was married to an alcoholic. We went to a dinner party. Lovely people, lovely dinner, nice conversations. About half-ways through the main course, Mr. Big arrives. Mr. Big has a Very Important Job. One that Required His Presence so he couldn't be on time. (No apology, just an explanation.) He sat down and took over the entire conversation. Classical "but that's enough about me -- let's talk about you; what do YOU think about me?" person.

He was awful. A real jerk. I escaped to the kitchen with the excuse of "helping the hostess" because I was afraid my filter would drop and I would tell him what I thought about him. In the kitchen, the hostess tells me that she knows he's a bit difficult to stomach, however -- they feel sorry for him because his wife left and took the kids out of state and has lied about him sexually abusing the children in order to stop him from seeing them.

I walk back into the dining room and all of a sudden this man is hot. I mean super sexy hot. I want to tear his clothes off hot.

That's when I realized that there was something broken with me. I couldn't separate attraction/love from pity/compassion. I've seen this happen at other times, but this was the most egregious example.

I picked the wrong guy my entire life. And then I wondered why I was always in dysfunctional relationships. For me, it took a lot of soul searching. I thought I was seeing myself as the strong loving woman who would help these people feel better. In reality, I think I picked men with big problems because they made me feel... less useless. Like they gave me a mission in life. (Talk about Mission Impossible...)

I'm now in a very normal, very calm relationship with a very normal man. Sure, he has baggage -- we all do -- but I don't for a second feel like he would be lost without me, like I'm the knight in shining armor who's come to save him, like I need to take care of him. It's more like -- we're partners. Sounds super boring, I know, but it's the best relationship I have had in my entire life. There's no drama. And it's not just that he's normal -- it's also that I'm having reasonable expectations, of myself and of him.

Timeiskey

Lil- the more I work on my issues the more I relate to your last post. It is starting to be clearer and I am definitely taking note of what attracts me and even now, I have to be so mindful of my actions... The real reason I take action. About a month ago, I heard some stories about my ex and his behavior before I even came into the picture. It was such sad news that I instantly felt pity for him and that almost instantly turned into a desire to reach back out because I realized that I loves him more than the hurt that this all had cAused me. But it was really what you had described and the end result was more of the same. I am telling myself all the time now that I can't help him only myself.
It is empowering but damn hard too. I look forward to being as healthy as you in my thinking and again, I am so thankful for SR and people like you who share and help us all move forward in this process. I think the reason I have picked men with big problems is to distract from my own, if their issues seemed bigger than mine I could distract myself with useless attempts to help them instead of getting better myself and ultimately stay as dysfunctional as I have always been. This new learning isn't easy but as the saying goes, taking the easy path doesn't always get us too far.

sad#3

I've stayed for nearly 8 years. I believe now that something is wrong with me or I would have left long ago. My wife (who is sober for 2 weeks now and in AA) admitted to me that she wouldn't have stayed a month with someone like herself. I'm in al-anon now and I hope that if things ever get insane again, that I will gain the strength to leave her. I hope it never happens, but I have to be realistic and prepared.

EnglishHusband

I first ignored the problem my future wife had with drink. Then I took it as 'part of her' now, but it would 'mellow over time', now she is with me she will soon 'see over the rim of a glass'.

20 years on, drink is still very much part of her and it blights the daily lives of those close to her. It never did go away. Quite the opposite. The drink problem just gradually got bigger and bigger.

I feel for you immensely and I sincerely hope you can make it with this guy. But, and this is a big but. If you don't love him madly, head over heels, to the extent that you would stand in front of a thousand bullets to protect him, then maybe you should leave. I wish you far better luck than what I had.

Needabreak

Hmm... Madly? Head over heels? Take a thousand bullets for someone else? That doesn't sound like healthy love, it sounds like codependent crazy town.

How about trust him? Respect him? Feel safe with him? And aroused by him? Might be a bit healthier....

NYCDoglvr

Well, you can prove again to yourself that dating an alcoholic is a very bad idea. However, it's a progressive disease so enjoy it now, it won't last.