Unavailable People
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Unavailable People
Letting Go of Unavailable People
By Robert Burney
Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous dis-ease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we are attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship - we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns.
Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents.
No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding.
It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.
Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.
Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.
What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. We are in our codependency as long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be.
Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for: war on drugs; war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.
The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.
We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.
It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.
By Robert Burney
Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous dis-ease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we are attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship - we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns.
Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents.
No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding.
It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.
Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.
Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.
What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. We are in our codependency as long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be.
Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for: war on drugs; war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.
The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.
We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.
It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.
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This one rubs me the wrong way.
There are a lot of messed up people out there - in some way we all have issues. I have never met anyone who is a fountain of mental health. I'm positive I fall into this category, as well.
The problem with this article is that it blames the reader for defective choices. In defense I'd say most new love relationships begin well. Maybe it takes a week, maybe it takes ten years, but every bad relationship likely started off in a honeymoon phase.
For people who are hard-core codependents - it is the recognition of the point where it turns bad that is the important thing. Yes, it would be awesomesauce if we were able to override instinctive attraction to the wrong person - but there are a lot of wrong people out there
Also, I believe that some people just change over time and really do not want to be in a relationship or in a particular relationship. Rather than man-up and get out or do the deep self-reflection/therapy work, they will begin to treat the other person like crap and the other person will have to end it. The one acting out may or may not do this on purpose to force the end of the relationship.
In today's society it is acceptable to have many partners during one's lifetime and the societal pressure to stay together is not there, releasing people from the outside pressures to make it work. So we are manufacturing the "choose wisely, it's your fault for not seeing the future" caution and ignoring the fact that for thousands of years people stayed together for the most part once they were bound to one another. I don't believe for a minute that they were all happy and psychologically healthy. Once again, it is recognizing when the worm has turned and knowing when to cut losses that fits into today's lifestyle.
Cutting losses is key here. I'm not going to take the blame for biological attraction. I think I can be attracted to many people - maybe even most people. It may begin really well. It's when things go bad - as they often will - that I need to be ready with a plan to get out without delay if changes do not occur to cause healing to the relationship.
Some degree of forgiveness is inherent and necessary in all love relationships. We all have to choose that with which we will and won't live.
There are a lot of messed up people out there - in some way we all have issues. I have never met anyone who is a fountain of mental health. I'm positive I fall into this category, as well.
The problem with this article is that it blames the reader for defective choices. In defense I'd say most new love relationships begin well. Maybe it takes a week, maybe it takes ten years, but every bad relationship likely started off in a honeymoon phase.
For people who are hard-core codependents - it is the recognition of the point where it turns bad that is the important thing. Yes, it would be awesomesauce if we were able to override instinctive attraction to the wrong person - but there are a lot of wrong people out there
Also, I believe that some people just change over time and really do not want to be in a relationship or in a particular relationship. Rather than man-up and get out or do the deep self-reflection/therapy work, they will begin to treat the other person like crap and the other person will have to end it. The one acting out may or may not do this on purpose to force the end of the relationship.
In today's society it is acceptable to have many partners during one's lifetime and the societal pressure to stay together is not there, releasing people from the outside pressures to make it work. So we are manufacturing the "choose wisely, it's your fault for not seeing the future" caution and ignoring the fact that for thousands of years people stayed together for the most part once they were bound to one another. I don't believe for a minute that they were all happy and psychologically healthy. Once again, it is recognizing when the worm has turned and knowing when to cut losses that fits into today's lifestyle.
Cutting losses is key here. I'm not going to take the blame for biological attraction. I think I can be attracted to many people - maybe even most people. It may begin really well. It's when things go bad - as they often will - that I need to be ready with a plan to get out without delay if changes do not occur to cause healing to the relationship.
Some degree of forgiveness is inherent and necessary in all love relationships. We all have to choose that with which we will and won't live.
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I didn't get the take-away that this was about assigning BLAME....this line is quite profound:
Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.
the intent, to me, seems to be much more about developing self-awareness and personal autonomy - especially if we tend to fall into the pattern of "finding" the same TYPE of mate over and over.
you sum up what we should all strive for very eloquently and succinctly:
It's when things go bad - as they often will - that I need to be ready with a plan to get out without delay if changes do not occur to cause healing to the relationship.
Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.
the intent, to me, seems to be much more about developing self-awareness and personal autonomy - especially if we tend to fall into the pattern of "finding" the same TYPE of mate over and over.
you sum up what we should all strive for very eloquently and succinctly:
It's when things go bad - as they often will - that I need to be ready with a plan to get out without delay if changes do not occur to cause healing to the relationship.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I didn't get the take-away that this was about assigning BLAME....this line is quite profound:
Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.
the intent, to me, seems to be much more about developing self-awareness and personal autonomy - especially if we tend to fall into the pattern of "finding" the same TYPE of mate over and over.
you sum up what we should all strive for very eloquently and succinctly:
It's when things go bad - as they often will - that I need to be ready with a plan to get out without delay if changes do not occur to cause healing to the relationship.
Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.
the intent, to me, seems to be much more about developing self-awareness and personal autonomy - especially if we tend to fall into the pattern of "finding" the same TYPE of mate over and over.
you sum up what we should all strive for very eloquently and succinctly:
It's when things go bad - as they often will - that I need to be ready with a plan to get out without delay if changes do not occur to cause healing to the relationship.
The article just attempts to say that [those with this "problem"] are choosing the wrong people because they are attempting to win parental approval or that they choose "unavailable people because they are unavailable" themselves.
I call BS on that. I tend to believe that everyone is honorable and trustworthy and I look for the good in people until they prove otherwise. That is where I go wrong. I don't ever want to become so cynical that I believe my relationships are doomed to play out some FOO drama. I understand my parental relationships and I still may pick the wrong person. This "my picker is broken" is one of the phrases I find most distasteful in recovery circles. No one's "picker is broken." NO one is "broken." God doesn't break people. It is up to us to discern when something is unhealthy for us, no matter when in the relationship it occurs - and then stand up and fight for ourselves.
I'm saying that it often takes years and years for either an addiction or some other outside force to ruin a love relationship. There is no inner child/FOO therapy that is going to guarantee against that and to try to foresee the future in that regard can be emotionally crippling. That is a chance every person takes who goes into a relationship - and everyone has some drama in their FOO - regardless of how healthy they think it was.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
The problem with this article is that it blames the reader for defective choices. In defense I'd say most new love relationships begin well. Maybe it takes a week, maybe it takes ten years, but every bad relationship likely started off in a honeymoon phase.
Sometimes people will put on a completely false persona during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and it takes a little time to figure out what a new person's really about. Emotionally abusive people are generally wonderful in the early days of a relationship, and the scary stuff doesn't rear its head til later. Sometimes, though, it's glaringly obvious... for example...
A friend of mine was asking me what I thought of a friend of hers who was corresponding with a convicted drugs dealer/arms trader/violent criminal who was shortly to be released from prison. The friend was going to move him in with her, while she nurtured him through his early days on the outside. My friend - a delightful, lovely lady who's had a disastrous relationship history - took the view that this woman OUGHT to be supporting this guy, as he'd told her he wanted to go straight. She looked upon him as a soulmate, too, and by all accounts he was really charming.
I politely told her that my impression was that this guy was someone who shouldn't be touched with someone else's bargepole while you were wearing kid gloves... but I doubt this had any effect... none of my business anyway.
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I didn't get that the author was laying blame. I just think that some of these pills are hard to swallow. This article resonated deeply with me. Yes, Bimini makes a good point about it being hard to catch the wrong choices early on, since everyone is on their best behavior. Still, even in my last honeymoon stage, it only really started and lasted as long as it did, because I ignored those flags. I think the thesis of the article is that by focusing on healing our own wounds, we can get to a place where our attraction is not immediately to that "soul mate" appeal and instead, we recognize that the person we are attracted to is their own person, as are we, and that a healthy timeframe opens up through respect for our own loving boundaries for ourselves. Or perhaps I am just self reflecting a lot here, lol.
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This article really hits home for me. I can look back at my previous relationships and this article is like a play by play :P
My ex has a lot of wonderful qualities and we had a lot of wonderful times and some of the things I found unlivable when life got big were fine by me when we were financially independent and had no children. I can see my parents in him now that i look. The good and the very unavailable. We fit so nicely. I was so comfortable with him. I was so uncomfortable with so many people that I could overlook or deny a lot to be with someone that felt so easy/right. He didn't threaten me in anyway.
I was sort of dating another guy when I first met my ex. I had a choice to make. This other guy was so nice. He was so interested in me and we did things and hung out in a way that was so normal (and sober) and he shared and talked and is what I would call open and intimate. I liked him but i was scared to death of him. He was interesting and we shared a lot of the same interests etc. I was nervous almost every time I was with him. I felt like such a fraud and had no idea how to be myself around him. It was exhausting. Now - he was not a serious relationship and maybe he was a psycho and i never knew it because I chose my ex over him but I think he was just a normal guy.
That choice - being so plain because I knew them both at the same time - says a lot about *me*.
My ex has a lot of wonderful qualities and we had a lot of wonderful times and some of the things I found unlivable when life got big were fine by me when we were financially independent and had no children. I can see my parents in him now that i look. The good and the very unavailable. We fit so nicely. I was so comfortable with him. I was so uncomfortable with so many people that I could overlook or deny a lot to be with someone that felt so easy/right. He didn't threaten me in anyway.
I was sort of dating another guy when I first met my ex. I had a choice to make. This other guy was so nice. He was so interested in me and we did things and hung out in a way that was so normal (and sober) and he shared and talked and is what I would call open and intimate. I liked him but i was scared to death of him. He was interesting and we shared a lot of the same interests etc. I was nervous almost every time I was with him. I felt like such a fraud and had no idea how to be myself around him. It was exhausting. Now - he was not a serious relationship and maybe he was a psycho and i never knew it because I chose my ex over him but I think he was just a normal guy.
That choice - being so plain because I knew them both at the same time - says a lot about *me*.
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I get wanting that soulmate thing. I felt that way about my ex before the exA. I absolutely adored everything about him. Put him on a high pedestal for no reason. I couldn't/didn't want to live without him. But, somehow I did. I see him on the street periodically and he looks the same. He acted badly towards his kid once when I saw them at the park and I immediately flashed back to him verbally abusing me, same tone, voice, mad face. He hasn't changed. Just different players.
However, I realize now that I have changed. I would not want that again. I do not want him to be my soulmate again. I have a weird residual love for him inside, but it is more like a love you might have for a distant relative you haven't seen since you were a child. It look years to get to this place. Lots of distance. The A relationship is what prompted me to look into all my relationships and choices of partners.
Ed is my bf now. (I hate bf, but I have no other term). He is not like my previous guys. Certainly not like my "soulmate" was. Ed actually told me that he thinks my exes are exactly like one another in different bodies (which I never noticed until he pointed it out) except one is an A, but their flexible values, morals, honesty, work ethic, expectations of women...are all the same. I kind of think he is right. I would never call Ed my soulmate. It doesn't fit the bill, but our relationship is much healthier than my relationship with my "soulmate" was.
There are normal people out there, I promise. Even though you might not give them soulmate status, there are really solid people you can form healthy or at least healthier relationships with.
Edit: I also waited a couple years before entering into a relationship with Ed. Got in touch with me and made my relationship with myself a solid one before entering into another romantic one.
However, I realize now that I have changed. I would not want that again. I do not want him to be my soulmate again. I have a weird residual love for him inside, but it is more like a love you might have for a distant relative you haven't seen since you were a child. It look years to get to this place. Lots of distance. The A relationship is what prompted me to look into all my relationships and choices of partners.
Ed is my bf now. (I hate bf, but I have no other term). He is not like my previous guys. Certainly not like my "soulmate" was. Ed actually told me that he thinks my exes are exactly like one another in different bodies (which I never noticed until he pointed it out) except one is an A, but their flexible values, morals, honesty, work ethic, expectations of women...are all the same. I kind of think he is right. I would never call Ed my soulmate. It doesn't fit the bill, but our relationship is much healthier than my relationship with my "soulmate" was.
There are normal people out there, I promise. Even though you might not give them soulmate status, there are really solid people you can form healthy or at least healthier relationships with.
Edit: I also waited a couple years before entering into a relationship with Ed. Got in touch with me and made my relationship with myself a solid one before entering into another romantic one.
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I feel inspired by your words fixit! I have been with the same guy in different bodies my whole adult life. In fact, at the end of the handful of relationships each said practically the same thing to me about their need to be on their own, need to understand love, and all were filled with self loathing. This last one was an A and it was the wake up call I needed, my own rock bottom if you will. Now, it's about my own work and growing pains hurt but not as much as walking through the same dysfunctional cycle over and over again.
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I'm coming up on my 23rd AA anniversary and am drawn to anything, anybody that will help me escape my feelings. My first sponsor called it "trading up addictions". Food, spending money, unavailable people, whatever it takes to feel better. After all this time I can laugh when I feel immediately attracted to a guy who lives in another country b. ecause I know what it is. The 12 Steps have given me tools for letting go of the external pulls.
Yesterday I got an email from a German guy I met on vacation 20 years ago to let me know he still thinks about me. Big progress: I simply deleted the email.
Yesterday I got an email from a German guy I met on vacation 20 years ago to let me know he still thinks about me. Big progress: I simply deleted the email.
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