Hammer

Something I have become disturbingly good at in all this is waiting.

"Wait on the LORD," as it were -- if one is some sort of Holy Roller. And while I am certainly not His best salesperson nor representative, I would like to tend to roll that way.

And it sort of matches my selective reading of some Gooder Books (and yeah, I come to figure out that I "take what I like and leave the rest" of those Books, too.)

Here is the Real Deal for those interested . . . .

Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

Full Psalm here >>>

Psalm 27 Parallel Chapters


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So last night at My Manly Men's Alanon Meeting . . . . somewhere between dealing Poker and Smoking Cigars (yeah, truth is out now, THAT is what we do at a Men's Meeting) the book was being passed around and the Topic was Waiting.

Here was my turn.

I am pretty good with Waiting.


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From Courage to Change

February 6 - Wait

Page 37

By the time I reached Al-Anon I was desperate to do something about my relationship with an alcoholic. I hoped that you would tell me to "throw the bum out," so I was dismayed when a member suggested that I make no major changes for six months after coming to Al-Anon. By the end of the six months, my thinking had changed dramatically and I was grateful to have waited.

At that point, something inside told me to continue to wait, to learn, to recover, before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait. I struggled, prayed for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same: "Wait. Do nothing yet. The time will come." That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.

I was immediately consumed with guild and self-doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much, and though I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with.

Today's Reminder

When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions. I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes, "When in doubt, don't."

"Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers."

~As We Understood . . .

Thumper

I really struggled with this concept in Al-anon. Maybe because of the time in my story that I arrived at Al-anon and maybe everyone comes to Al-anon in much the same space and I just like to think I'm different

Did I not wait long enough to make real decisions about my life - or did I wait way to long?

Even hindsight doesn't help much because we don't get to see what things would look like if we'd have taken a different path.

I don't have regrets about my decisions or outcomes but it was not an easy year either. It is hard to know if waiting would have made things easier or more difficult. I didn't want to stay. I felt like staying was no longer an option.

lizatola

I struggle with this immensely, LOL, and can totally relate to what Thumper shared above.

I have a card tacked to my cork board above my desk that reads:
Waiting....
When I am impatient,
Lord, help me to be calm.
When I get discouraged and feel alone,
help me to remember that you are with me.

Below it is a Bible quote: "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

MissFixit

I rarely regret anything. I regret waiting things out. I wasted good years.

Someone posted a few months ago about how many chances you should give someone. For me that answer is 2. Period. No waiting.

Now, you could get all flowery and philosophical and argue that I would not know to only give 2 chances if I had not experienced the pain from my ex and the subsequent therapy work. Who knows.

So, Hammer. You have been radio silent about your current status. What's the haps?

Thumper

"True Faith Manifests itself through our actions." That is a quote although I don't remember from where. I liked it. It helped me to see that marking time was about fear and guilt.

Hockeyerik

I have been "waiting" for 2 months now while separated. At least that's how I felt but in reality I was waiting the whole 10 months we were married to see some change. When I left that's when I quit waiting, I am just seeing it now. Talking to her in the phone the other night made me realize there is nothing left to wait for, she is who she is and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with that person. It's time to file papers as soon as I get the $350 saved up. No more waiting.

Hammer

oh yeah. You follow that I am not saying ANYTHING is right or not right for others. Probably the ONLY bad thing is trying to dictate for others. Even us dictating for the A.

Yeah. How about that.

More will be revealed.

iSPAZ

I waited until I forgot what I was waiting on or for. Seems like I have reached a point to where my heart wanted one thing and my brain said you would be an idiot for wanting more of that action. I waited and watched her escalate unacceptable behavior. I waited watching her blow all our hard earned money at the bar. I waited and worried that someday SHE would regret her decisions. I waited for an apology or contrition from someone who obviously could care less about me. I waited while she was passed around by every drunk at the bar. I waited while my kids told me about all her wacked out new boyfriends shacking up and what they had to witness. I waited wondering how someone could be so selfish. I waited and worried patiently keeping my side of the street clean. Finally I started to do what my sponsor had encouraged. Take care of me. Live my life. I found that I worry so much better riding a Harley. These last few months have been so much better. I feel normal, content and even happy at least half my waking hours. Which may not sound great but is much improvement from over two years ago. Hope you are doing well Hammer. In my prayers and meditation something came to me. My higher power does not want me to feel like crap or be treated like crap.

iSPAZ

Hammer - I also wanted to say that many of your post have helped me work through this process and wanted to thank you for sharing.

Florence

I think the value in waiting was knowing, really knowing. Like Hockeyerik said, when I was done waiting -- and watching and observing and meditating and learning -- I knew exactly what I was capable of, what to expect from him, and the limits of my influence.

Remember that old SR-ism, "Stand there and do nothing"? The goal is not to literally "do nothing," it's to be rational and realistic and measured and mature, and not a reactionary person freaking out at every turn. But eventually we do all have to act, yeah?

MissFixit

Uh huh. You just let me know when I can say "I told you so."

(I am only kidding. Well, only sorta kidding.)

Hammer

soooo . . . how much of this has led to improvement of YOU?

If any, all is gain.

If nothing, all is loss.

Was she really even part of that?

PinkCloudsCharley

This is a hard one. I struggle with this. Last night I reached out to sil and her husband. They have opened their house to me and the kids, are pushing me to leave this weekend. Do i wait? Do i go? If i wait am I enabling and prolonging? Or if i wait will i end up with a fist in my eye, he's never been physical but one day he could totally lose it. What's right? I love him but...but...but...so many buts. So many reasons to leave, so many reasons to stay.

lillamy

I hate waiting.
I just got a call from a company I'm having a payment dispute with. They call me and then have the gall to give me a recording that says "all our operators are busy right now. Please hold until one of our operators can assist you." And I just called them back on the main line and said I'm changing providers, based solely on that automated call, that it was disrespectful and rude and unbecoming of a company that claims to give personal service.

So why am I telling that story?

Because choosing to wait is different from being forced to wait.

I have no problem with choosing to wait. I hate the latter. I really have to work at not getting irritable and worked up when someone else (by design or default) is forcing me to wait.

But isn't that also about giving up control, and the illusion of control?

I don't know. I'm one of those who wishes in retrospect I hadn't waited so damn much. It's a definite regret of mine. Same time, I know that the outcome I ended up with is as close to good as I could hope for. Not sure what the outcome would have been if I hadn't waited? I'll never know.

Hammer

And your knowledge brought you what?


Not from what I am seeing.

Hammer

And she, she, she had NOTHING to do with that, did she?

dandylion

My thoughts on the waiting (in general). It is not a law or a rule that one will be punished for. I take it to be a suggestion to avoid impulsive life decisions while one is very confused--to confused to make a decision.
Also...sometimes the "just stand there" can be just for 24hrs. or 3days or a week or two. It just depends of the nature of the circumstance.

I do not believe to just wait ever means to hesitate when there is a chance of violent or abusive behavior. Or, when you have already made up your mind about what you want or need to do.

Just the way I interpret it.....

dandylion

iSPAZ

You are correct. She had nothing to do with me choosing to make better decisions for myself.

CodeJob

This is going to be a huge party. Sort of like a Gidget beach party with Stung teaching us how to surf!

AnvilheadII

what concerns me is how that "waiting" can be used as a cover for not wanting to rock the boat or make a decision. or and most especially when kids are involved. that sometimes it WOULD have been best for all had they bolted out the door when the first punch flew because now, a decade later, they are so beaten down and so isolated and so without means that leaving is a lost dream...........

that being said, in my last marriage (oddly enough i was the relapsed drinker, he was the sober one) i plotted my escape for 7 years....waiting....until my daughter got thru high school....then waiting til she got safely into college...waiting until the debt was under control.....until we could both support ourselves on our own without hardship....and waiting to see if the magic or the love would return.....everything was all in place so when i pulled the trigger it was almost effortless. it was jan 2nd when i told him i was leaving, and jan 12 that i moved in to my new apt. so yes there is a time when it pays to wait....we just need to be sure of our motives.