lillamy

I'm not saying this to shame anyone or try to manipulate anyone into taking steps they're not ready for.

But I am struggling so with my kids. All of them. Two of them have PTSD diagnoses, and within the past week, both of them have had debilitating flashbacks. They have no contact with their father; neither one has seen him for a year and a half. They just ran into situations that made them flash back to dealing with him, his anger, his abuse.

They're smart, they're sweet, and they have solid support systems inside and outside the family. But every time it happens -- and especially when it happens to them so close together in time -- I feel like I've been run over by a freight train.

I know I left when I was able to. I know I've done, and I am doing, everything I can for them.

I just don't know if the guilt of keeping them in a home where they were emotionally (and in one case physically) abused will ever go away. I feel defeated, worthless, and unworthy of their trust and love.

airwick

I wish I could give you some comforting advice, yet I am not in the position to do so. Yet, I can wish you well and hope someone with a better understanding of your situation can assist

ladyscribbler

I'm another one who stayed too long. My older son went to live with his dad because of my alcoholic ex, but that still wasn't enough to get me out of there. My ex used to taunt me: When is TJ coming back, what did you do that made him leave, he left because you're a terrible mother...
Those memories makes me burn with shame.
I didn't leave until the perfect storm happened. My mom came for a visit and saw how we were living. I took my younger son with ex for an "extended visit" while my ex was supposedly going to sober up and blah blah. I almost didn't go. It seems insane to me now, I was drowning and almost threw back a life preserver because it wasn't the one I wanted. But I went I went back home and lived with my mommy for two months. My ex died in the meantime.
Then I went BACK! He was drinking the first night I got there, laughed in my face when I got angry. But I stayed.
We went and got my older son. My ex was broke for most of that month. He had been on a massive bender while I was gone and had legal fees to pay on top of his usual huge liquor expenditure. He didn't have a dime for our son's medical and dental check ups to start preschool.
Then he got paid on the first, his disability check came in. He had plenty if money to drink. He laid into us. Started ranting. Asked my older son, "Where's your dad? Huh TJ, you little @$$hole." Said that to an 11 year old boy who had lost his father a month before.
That was my bottom, the end for me. I can't logically explain why it took so long, why I had to sink so low. I was so sick, but had no idea. I thought I was the sane one. What a joke that was.
Now that I know better, I do better. I just wish it hadn't taken so long for me to know better.
Lillamy, I understand.
And to the newcomers who think that we're harsh, it's only to try and save you this pain and shame.

suki44883

Awww, Amy. (((HUGS))) I know saying not to feel guilty doesn't mean anything. You feel what you feel, but I feel like you are laying undeserved guilt on yourself. We do what we feel is best at the time and when we know better, we do better.

None of us can change the past, but we strive to do the best we can with what we know now. You are doing all you can to help your children. It will take time, but I believe they will be okay. It will take time, as all things worth having does, but just be there for them as you are doing, and please do not blame yourself.

You are NOT unworthy and you are NOT worthless and you certainly are NOT defeated. Your children love you and they know you love them. (((HUGS)))

lillamy

My youngest -- sometimes, I think the healthiest one -- caught me crying in the car today and she said, "mom, you know what the difference is between survivors and victims? Survivors use their past to propel them forward. Victims use their past to refuse moving ahead."

She's 12. And a whole lot smarter than I am, some days...

ladyscribbler

Realized my post is ambiguous. My ex husband died (father of my older son), I was never married to my alcoholic ex, the father of my younger son.
We all have different last names, which I am probably more self conscious about than is really warranted. More pointless shame.

53500

What a wise little girl she is! She sounds like someone who will help others one day if she's not doing it already.

Your message is important. You are helping by giving it. Try not to beat yourself up, you're a good person and you're taking care of your kids. Take your daughter's advice.

robgt350

lill

i dont know what to say to help you feel better. i only hope the best for your children. maybe try to make new happy memories that they can look too.

Butterfly

Try not to be too hard on yourself you did the best you could. I think as mothers we take responsibility for everything that happens to our children and while we are responsible for our kids something's are out of are control. You protected your children as best you could and got away when you were able to do so. You are still there supporting your children providing them with love and stability. You are a great mum go easy on yourself big hugs

jarp

And you KNOW why she is so smart???? Because she has an awesomely inspirational mother who SHOWED her how to be so smart. It's YOU who have given her this gift, it is YOU that has shown her a stable and trustworthy love. It is YOU who is there every day, in the good times and those times that challenge them. It is YOU who has allowed them to feel safe enough to work through what you have all been through. You rescued them for him and have supported them through this whilst managing to survive and be the wonderful, giving person you are.

I feel so sad reading that you don't feel worthy of their love. Keep teaching them their own worth by demonstrating that you know your own.

Your kids sound amazing, especially Miss 12....they clearly take after you!!!

FireSprite

I wish I had amazing words of wisdom for you lillamy. (& ladyscribbler) I can relate to the mommy guilt in general, but listening to you ladies describe this feeling in relation to this issue tells me it's not the same thing. This is beyond that, an actual wound on your own hearts, not so intangible as guilt tends to be.

I do know that this:


gave me chills.

One of the truest statements I've EVER read here on SR, definitely going on my list of favorites. And it came from your 12-yo DD. That's awesome.

I don't know what words might make you feel better, but HIGH-FIVE from one mom to another..... this is the remark of a girl healing, the attitude of someone going somewhere in life. (((((((hugs))))))))

SoloMio

I don't know how old your kids are, or how long they lived in the alcoholic home, but, can you think about how much better off are today because you DID take them away?

When I was a child I experienced my alcoholic father being mean and nasty and life being totally chaotic, and what I remember most is not the bad stuff, but how courageous my mother was to leave him. She was, and is, a hero to me. Yes, I spent 12 years in chaos, but it's what she did at the end of the day that matters. That's where my gratitude comes from. I understand her completely, and in my mind there's absolutely nothing to forgive her for, and everything to thank her for.

Think about the fact that you DID change your life, and your kids ARE benefiting from those changes.

jarp

Oh and there was a recent article published in Australia studying similarities in women in power or highly successful women (think CEO's of banks etc). The single factor they found was that the women had histories, specifically childhoods where some sort of adversity featured, that taught them resilience, persistence and survival.

None of these women had perfect childhoods, with 2 intact parents, private schooling or silver spoons. But they had a strong female role model who taught them the power of their own hearts and minds.

Something to think about....

I'm seeing your daughter.....

redatlanta

Nobudy hands us a script when we come into this world. No parent is perfect. Parents make mistakes.

Cut yourself some slack - the most important thing is you left and you are all free. YOU did that. They will be fine and so will you (((hugs)))).

closetcodie

The most horrific thing in the world.....when you know how much AH is hurting your kids and you run. You get them away from him before he mentally or physically kills them. Then the court gives him time alone with them so that the abuse can continue. I struggle with the fact that I had kids with AH every day because thanks to the court system, until they are teenagers (1 and 2 right now) they are forced to suffer his abuse. That is if they make it to teenagers and he doesn't kill them first.

SparkleKitty

Wow your daughter is wise. And that's on you, Mom.

I am writing as one of the kids who survived an alcoholic home, not nearly as abusive as it sounds like your situation was, granted. My dad never left. I was stuck with the anger until I was 18. I don't need to rehash my whole history here, but what I can tell you, honestly, many years on, is that I am grateful for every second of what makes me ME today, and for all the gifts it has given. I am living the life I want. My eyes are open. I feel stuff. It is all good.

Getting here was not a straight line by any means. I have a failed marriage and many unhealthy relationships in my wake. But guess what? That is LIFE. it's MY life, and like everything else, it's all okay. It is all made worth it by what I have right now, which is peace with myself. If I lost everything else, my home, my marriage, my job, my life in theatre, I know for a fact I would still find a way to not just survive but thrive.

When I think about my dad never leaving, I mostly feel sadness for him. His eyes were never opened. He aged into illness and dementia and never found recovery from codependency before he died. I don't feel anger for not getting us out, not anymore. I just wish HE had been able to find a better way for himself. Lillamy, you did. It is the best thing you ever could have done for your kids: show them what a survivor looks like.

Not to mention your insightful posting in this forum has been a boon to so many lost folks trying to find some light in the darkness. On those merits alone, karma should take care of your kids in time. Many hugs to you and yours.

SeriousKarma

Remember, you're healing as a family.

You're all parts of a whole. You're children understand you better than you realize. You're an amazing mother.

ShootingStar1

I hear you Lillamy. I hear you.

My psychiatrist said recently about my XAH of 20 years, and I wrote it down because it was so insightful that it was chilling:

"You lived in a highly distorted conceptual field created by a brilliant man who sees the world only through his own narcissistic lens. And he had to be right."

Lillamy, that is what happened to you. It is not what you caused, what you created, or what you wanted. It is what happened to you.

You did not abuse, abandon, neglect, or harm your children. You were - and are - a good mother. A loving mother. A tigress of a mother for your children.

When we chose men like this, we were flies being courted by spiders in disguise. We couldn't see the web; in truth, they hadn't woven it yet. We were innocents. What drew us to these men was not known to us, not available for us to know at the time.

My psychiatrist said that our own unconscious traumas plug into the other person's trauma. And this is what happened to me as the child of an alcoholic father and psychotic mother, and to him from his own terribly traumatic family of origin. Neither of us had much of a clue as to the subterranean trauma we each carried around.

My psychiatrist continued, about abusive relationships:
"When one person plugs into another's consciousness, what you see is bad by-products in daily life which are driven by the deeper trauma going on unconsciously and outside of awareness. It is the unarticulated unhealthy bond of the unconscious that drives the bad behavior and the underlying trauma is invisible except for certain ripples on the surface.

“As long as he could play out his internal trauma through the daily drama of life relationships, his trauma could stay unconscious. His pain is imposed upon the person he is with, and transferred to them.

“When the abuser doesn't have that person, they have to repress or drink it away or the past trauma tries to crawl out of its box and causes them tremendous anxiety."

In my life, I believe that this, combined with his extreme narcissism, was the backdrop against which the abuse I suffered in my marriage developed and grew. I was used to accepting abuse; it felt normal. And he was used to giving it; it felt normal.

My psychiatrist continued: "When the original trauma violates the rules of human relationships, it is harder to heal and more likely to be repeated. " And, in both of our cases, the original trauma was severe enough to do that.

In my life, I did not choose the abuse I suffered. It happened TO me, without my permission. Much of it happened to me as a child and teenager, without my conscious knowledge or awareness. Some years ago, I heard the term “water-boarding”, and I realized, oh wow, I was water-boarded at 3 when my mother ran my head under the bathtub faucet because I wouldn’t do what she wanted. It was just the way life was, as the ever-shifting line of definition between the shoreline and the sea just IS.

I brought the totality of who I am, articulated and unarticulated, to my marriage, and to my parenting. To me, it now matters less what HE did to me, and more what I ALLOWED him to do. So for me, healing is fully acknowledging and owning how damaged I was when I married him. And growing beyond that, as fully and powerfully and passionately as I can. And sharing that healing with my children, my loved ones.

I own who I am. I own who I was. I do not excuse myself. I do not blame anyone else. It was my life and I did my best. Now that “best”, with hindsight, looks very inadequate. My greatest pain, and it echoes what you are writing today, Lillamy, is that my inadequacies and failings affected the people I love most, my children. I grieve for the mistakes I made and the pain I caused. I own what I did and what I didn’t do. I realize that I caused pain by my inability to see and take charge of my life, and that is on me.

I wish that we had the capacity to harness hindsight as a repair mechanism. It took me far too long to understand, and I did things that hurt, and I grieve for that.

It is like swimming a race, and the other swimmers are in calm water, wind pushing them gently forward while we are in deep water with a fierce undertow drawing us under and a wind wailing against us. And we don’t know why we are falling behind. I still hold myself accountable for losing the race.

And this is where we get to look at the positive parts of who we are, what we do, and the force and passion we bring to healing, for ourselves, and for our children. Despite the abuse, the trauma, we get to own our profound love for our children and its good impacts.

My psychiatrist said:
“The core of healing is, without malice, to understand what happened but don’t continue to enable it. When you have worked through this abuse and trauma, it will give you strength. What was radioactive in the corner, now becomes discernment and the power to drive through the trauma.”

He calls it “black gifts” – the gifts we acquire in the process of going through bad times.

I believe you have these gifts now, and you are giving them to your children, with love, with compassion, with fierce persistence and commitment to their health and their happiness.

We cannot be powerful enough to prevent all trauma; we can be powerful enough to mount a profoundly compelling recovery from trauma.

This is the gift you are giving to your children. This is the gift that is reflected in your 12 year old daughter’s comment “mom, you know what the difference is between survivors and victims? Survivors use their past to propel them forward. Victims use their past to refuse moving ahead.” And what is even better, is that, having modeled this for your daughter, she now has the capacity to return this gift of grace to you.

It is not living easy that, in the end, matters. It is living truthfully, bearing witness to the good and the bad, and moving always toward love.

ShootingStar1

WendyOR

I am so sorry to both of you... for all of the kids as well.

I think that at times of those guilt we hold, we need to be kind to ourselves while still being accountable. The accountable part, only so we will never go there again. So that we continue to move forward, even when it is hard to do so.

What I find, and it can be only my perception, but that our A's almost brain wash us. It then leads to us brainwashing ourselves. All the things they do to keep us hooked, all the sweet things they know how to say just when the time is right.

I think that also when we come from homes of dysfunction, and feel unwanted, neglected, or that we are not worth it, that hinders our minds, as they are not healthy minds. The little hooks I talked about in the above statement, sometimes we didn't ever receive those little affirmations as a child... not ever, so when we hear them, or feel them in our heart, or sadly enough, believe them, it keeps us in a place thinking that well, he/she said this, so they must love and value me.

Another part that is hard, is being a nurturer. When we are loving and caring, and have a general concern for others, often times we tell ourselves that is how people are. We are born to care for each other. However, once alcohol and other drugs enter the picture, that taints their ability to do so. It is a hard lesson to learn in life.

I hope that your therapist has taught you grounding methods, that help ease some of the flashbacks when your children experience them. It takes a getting used to. I am so sorry for not only you, and your children, but anyone on this board or not, who are having to face this.

Again at this time, it is a great time to be very gentle with yourself.

Blessings...

amy55

Thank you Lillamy for this thread. I think this is a really good thread so that we can look at the aftermath of what has happened, and know that we will never make those mistakes again.

It is really hard when you are in a relationship to be able to see what is really going on. It's like we want to sick our head in the sand, and not see things. We do see them, we do hear them, and so do the children.

When I was in mine, I thought I hid it from the children. My ex was so nice to the children while he was attacking me verbally and emotionally. In my mind I wanted to see it as he was developing a good relationship with them. Meanwhile, I hid in the garage. What they remember most was that I hid in the garage, not the stuff that he was buying them, or the places he was taking them.

I didn't realize for many years that while I was hiding in the garage, in my car, with the door locked, even though he was playing "Dad of the Year", that they were taking my place "walking on eggshells". He wasn't being mean or abusive to them, they just knew that one wrong words, or one wrong look from them will set him off.

I should have figured this out, but I didn't I was lost in my "own head". I then started to realize that if my children had a problem that they did not want their dad to hear about, but that their dad would need to know, they talked to me about it. It started to work out where they would tell me, I would not say anything about it, because the time wasn't right yet. I would wait till he was already attacking me about whatever he was going to attack me for, then I would tell him. He already had his rage directed at me, so I knew he would attack me for whatever the children did bad in school, and then he would act like "Dad of the Year" with them. I thought I was protecting them.

Oh, btw, the children doing something bad, they got a "C" in one of their classes. No big deal.

My son before leaving for college, out of the blue, said to me, I just wish that you had left dad before I went to college, so I wouldn't have to be afraid for you.

My daughter as she picked me up from the ER, after he punched me in the head, why didn't you leave dad a long time ago?

My psychologist told me that I used the "tools" that I knew at that time, but that I had bought all new "tools" and I need how to use them. I didn't know any better back then, if I knew better I would have done better.

I also think your DD12 is wise beyond her years, and you are a terrific mom.

(((((((((hugs))))))))