The aftermath
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Lillamy-
I ready your thread and I am grateful.
Grateful that you were able to remove yourself and your children from the situation. Grateful that they are still living at home and get a chance to heal with you watching and gently working with them.
Grateful that they are given the room to work recovery at such a young age.
Grateful that you are working your own so they see it can get better.
Grateful taht you are resourced enough that you are sharing emotions with them.
We all have stuff. We all get to work on our stuff. As hard as it is right now I think that it is just that much harder when we carry it for years and years stuffed way down deep for it to ferment and explode. We all get a chance to work on it, but the question is when. As I near the end of my thirties I realize we all have trauma, it is what we choose to do with it that makes us who we are. I don't look at your situation as a failure, but a triumph as they get a chance to do this when they are young. They get a chance to get resourced and through their experience before they got out into the world.
I think they are blessed, not to have been in the situation you were all in, but to be in the situation that they are in now.
I ready your thread and I am grateful.
Grateful that you were able to remove yourself and your children from the situation. Grateful that they are still living at home and get a chance to heal with you watching and gently working with them.
Grateful that they are given the room to work recovery at such a young age.
Grateful that you are working your own so they see it can get better.
Grateful taht you are resourced enough that you are sharing emotions with them.
We all have stuff. We all get to work on our stuff. As hard as it is right now I think that it is just that much harder when we carry it for years and years stuffed way down deep for it to ferment and explode. We all get a chance to work on it, but the question is when. As I near the end of my thirties I realize we all have trauma, it is what we choose to do with it that makes us who we are. I don't look at your situation as a failure, but a triumph as they get a chance to do this when they are young. They get a chance to get resourced and through their experience before they got out into the world.
I think they are blessed, not to have been in the situation you were all in, but to be in the situation that they are in now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I'm sorry.
I am a different situation, but I understand the guilt, the shame, the anger because I feel it too as a mother. For the way our family was destroyed forever more and the pathetic, selfish reasons why it happened.
I think it is awful, truly awful the feelings we experience as the parent left behind picking up the pieces and the sadness that goes with that. The extra bits of parenthood that you never factor in when your baby arrives and then years later you have to. I don't think anyone ever 'dreams' this existence as a part of their future.
Those that have not gone through it can never fully comprehend.
I wonder when the self blame ends. Does it ever?
I don't hold my head up high in terms of the failure of my relationship, but I hope one day I will be proud of what type of mother I have been and continue to be.
I just have to keep moving forward.
I hope you can too.
I really, really wish you the best xx
I am a different situation, but I understand the guilt, the shame, the anger because I feel it too as a mother. For the way our family was destroyed forever more and the pathetic, selfish reasons why it happened.
I think it is awful, truly awful the feelings we experience as the parent left behind picking up the pieces and the sadness that goes with that. The extra bits of parenthood that you never factor in when your baby arrives and then years later you have to. I don't think anyone ever 'dreams' this existence as a part of their future.
Those that have not gone through it can never fully comprehend.
I wonder when the self blame ends. Does it ever?
I don't hold my head up high in terms of the failure of my relationship, but I hope one day I will be proud of what type of mother I have been and continue to be.
I just have to keep moving forward.
I hope you can too.
I really, really wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Lillamy, we did the best we could with what we had. When I left my wife my SIL said to me "it's about time, I wondered when you would finally have enough".
We are no longer those people, we have grown way beyond what we were. As for your children, they have a shining role model that shows them any adversity can be overcome.
((((Hugs))))
Your friend,
We are no longer those people, we have grown way beyond what we were. As for your children, they have a shining role model that shows them any adversity can be overcome.
((((Hugs))))
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What an insightful child. Listen to her. Guilt does nothing but produce more horrible feelings. You cannot change the past, you can however change the future. You have each other. You are in a better place. You will all get through this.
Much Love and Many Hugs!
Much Love and Many Hugs!
Originally Posted by lillamy 
My youngest -- sometimes, I think the healthiest one -- caught me crying in the car today and she said, "mom, you know what the difference is between survivors and victims? Survivors use their past to propel them forward. Victims use their past to refuse moving ahead."
She's 12. And a whole lot smarter than I am, some days...
She's 12. And a whole lot smarter than I am, some days...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Lillamy (and everyone who has responded)--thank you so much for this thread. I am preparing my exit strategy to finally...FINALLY...leave my AH, after he directed his horribleness at my 11-year old daughter from my first marriage. I have spent a lot of time worried about the damage this has inflicted on my daughters, and on the son I share with my AH.
I think about the person I used to be, and the person I became after living with active alcoholism for over four years. I don't want my children to experience that kind of negative transformation. I am so grateful to everyone for sharing these stories and affirmations. It makes a big difference for me today, as things are so volatile and uncertain in my world right now.
I think about the person I used to be, and the person I became after living with active alcoholism for over four years. I don't want my children to experience that kind of negative transformation. I am so grateful to everyone for sharing these stories and affirmations. It makes a big difference for me today, as things are so volatile and uncertain in my world right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wisconsin, one of the big things that finally pushed me to leave was seeing the person I was becoming. I knew I did not want the negativity in my life, and that the anxiety and walking on eggshells all the time was turning me into a completely different person. It's quite a relief to be me again. I'm not perfect, far from it. However, I am no longer living on the edge all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You are all strong, smart, and wonderful people. Don't ever forget that!
You are all strong, smart, and wonderful people. Don't ever forget that!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think about the person I used to be, and the person I became after living with active alcoholism for over four years.
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