Posted in newcomers but suggested for here.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Thank you for asking 
I hope your doing well!
He texted me Saturday afternoon and tried calling me 3 times (right in a row) Saturday night.. I did not answer.
But I really wanted to.. so bored... so lonely... I went through my journal and remembered the confusion his conversations would cause me.. and was able to stick to no contact.
I really need some single friends.....I really need to get comfortable just spending time by myself...
I'm going on vacation next week with a couple of co-workers. We rented a condo on Hilton head. I'm just now starting to get excited about it.... need it so bad...
I hope your doing well!He texted me Saturday afternoon and tried calling me 3 times (right in a row) Saturday night.. I did not answer.
But I really wanted to.. so bored... so lonely... I went through my journal and remembered the confusion his conversations would cause me.. and was able to stick to no contact.
I really need some single friends.....I really need to get comfortable just spending time by myself...
I'm going on vacation next week with a couple of co-workers. We rented a condo on Hilton head. I'm just now starting to get excited about it.... need it so bad...
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Originally Posted by wackybunny 
Glad to hear you didn't answer. I bet you'll get over him quicker than you think. What are your hobbies?
The only thing I do now is read a little self help books..
I was going to try and paint this last weekend so I could do it on vacation... I ended up spending the weekend in bed...
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I just found this article and cant believe how on target it is for my relationship with the my x BF as well as my XH.
Some may say, how did you ever perceive the BF as a success... Easy he told me he was.. right on the first date. I did not find out that the basement was a 3 year project, or the dead GF until I was well and truly hooked.
It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Once hooked, you have to contend with their demands, criticisms, and self-centeredness. The relationship revolves around them, and you’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.
What it’s Like. In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist, as he or she is with him or herself.
After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short, and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists, and nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.
Narcissists have no boundaries and see you as an extension of themselves, requiring that you’re on call to meet their needs – regardless of whether you’re ill or in pain. You might get caught-up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-blind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do. Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Setting boundaries threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, love being withheld, and a rupture in the relationship. All too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.
Narcissist and co-dependents are the perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary codependents, because their low self-esteem, is boosted by the narcissist’s attributes and aura of success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissist’s emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are – only for what they give or do.
Treatment. Narcissists don’t usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself. Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge. Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.
© Darlene Lancer, 2011
I just found this article and cant believe how on target it is for my relationship with the my x BF as well as my XH.
Some may say, how did you ever perceive the BF as a success... Easy he told me he was.. right on the first date. I did not find out that the basement was a 3 year project, or the dead GF until I was well and truly hooked.
It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Once hooked, you have to contend with their demands, criticisms, and self-centeredness. The relationship revolves around them, and you’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.
What it’s Like. In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist, as he or she is with him or herself.
After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short, and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists, and nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.
Narcissists have no boundaries and see you as an extension of themselves, requiring that you’re on call to meet their needs – regardless of whether you’re ill or in pain. You might get caught-up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-blind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do. Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Setting boundaries threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, love being withheld, and a rupture in the relationship. All too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.
Narcissist and co-dependents are the perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary codependents, because their low self-esteem, is boosted by the narcissist’s attributes and aura of success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissist’s emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are – only for what they give or do.
Treatment. Narcissists don’t usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself. Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge. Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.
© Darlene Lancer, 2011
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So I was really hurt today. I found a website that really seemed to deal more with the co-dependent/narcissistic relationship between be and the x bf. I posted the post above from it...
They just banned me.. The administrator gave me a warning and said I couldn't post the news article even with names removed, OK I get that, said It wouldn't happen again. But then said I wasn't allowed to post from a proxy IP.. I said I didn't know what a proxy IP was and would investigate so I don't do it again... I get a message this morning that my account was deleted because of the Proxy IP, My lying about it and the newspaper article I posted...
Just kind of overwhelms me that you reach out for help and I get banned over something I completely don't understand... I give up..
They just banned me.. The administrator gave me a warning and said I couldn't post the news article even with names removed, OK I get that, said It wouldn't happen again. But then said I wasn't allowed to post from a proxy IP.. I said I didn't know what a proxy IP was and would investigate so I don't do it again... I get a message this morning that my account was deleted because of the Proxy IP, My lying about it and the newspaper article I posted...
Just kind of overwhelms me that you reach out for help and I get banned over something I completely don't understand... I give up..
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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don't take it personal, the site just wasn't for you....some have very rigid rules about posting and IP transparency etc, and some don't give out chances. i am sorry, but it's life on the web..........
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by doureallycare2
Just kind of overwhelms me that you reach out for help and I get banned over something I completely don't understand... I give up..
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
Posts: 144
They reinstated me after I sent an email to the administrator. However I don't feel the same about the site...
On another note, Im going on Vacation tomorrow!! finally able to get excited about it... I wonder why I still have to justify myself to myself though..
Im going with a couple of friends and yet would give anything if I was going with him... Why? I'm sure Ill have a much more enjoyable time with my friends then I would with any guy... I'm just so stuck in my head that you need a man to be happy... How stupid ha? Especially to think I would have had a better time with this x-bf.. he hated travel, he hates social events, He's not a beach person. He would have been moody and grumpy and probably complained about everything if I had been able to even get him to consider going.... Heck when I told him about this vacation (almost two weeks ago), he was so derogatory. Saying, see that's you. need a trip to make you feel happy, you cant just be content and happy staying home.... This is my first real vacation since my x husband and I took one 3 years ago.
Im going to go and I'm going to ENJOY MYSELF!!!
On another note, Im going on Vacation tomorrow!! finally able to get excited about it... I wonder why I still have to justify myself to myself though..
Im going with a couple of friends and yet would give anything if I was going with him... Why? I'm sure Ill have a much more enjoyable time with my friends then I would with any guy... I'm just so stuck in my head that you need a man to be happy... How stupid ha? Especially to think I would have had a better time with this x-bf.. he hated travel, he hates social events, He's not a beach person. He would have been moody and grumpy and probably complained about everything if I had been able to even get him to consider going.... Heck when I told him about this vacation (almost two weeks ago), he was so derogatory. Saying, see that's you. need a trip to make you feel happy, you cant just be content and happy staying home.... This is my first real vacation since my x husband and I took one 3 years ago.
Im going to go and I'm going to ENJOY MYSELF!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
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Hi all,
So Im back from a wonderful vacation, only to find a family crisis. My Brother who is going through a divorce (an x drug addict, still has a hard time holding a job) decided that he was going to move back to our state. Apparently he, his drug addict son and sons girlfriend have been living in a tent for months at a state park. he wants a better life and wants to help his son get off drugs. so he thought it was a good idea to sell his old junk car for 250.00 rent a uhaul and drive 20 hours straight and park in my driveway.
I woke up in the morning to go back to work from vaca, with no knowledge that I had a u haul in my driveway! I haven't talked to this brother in almost a year.
Anyways they knocked on my door and I just about fell over. He had $6.00 left on him and owed the thruway tolls $8.00 (they gave him a ticket he has to go pay). no gas left in the U-Haul. I did not invite them to stay... he asked if they could set a tent up in back yard.. I said absolutely not. He said I guess we'll go to moms. she has a very small apt. in a senior resident housing unit. I gave him 50.00 and sent him on his way. Now I have my mom begging me to help them.
2 nights of no sleep, anxiety, cant eat and now all I can think about is contacting the XABF. You know the one that everyone thinks is dangerous.... The one that I have managed to not see for 2 months, not talked with for a month and have exchanged no text for 3 weeks...
So to top everything off, I now have this unbelievable anger and depression in myself. I should not be this weak!! I should not want to contact him.. why cant I fight the addiction? ect...
Anyway thank God I had a therapy apt this morning... it helped so much!!
My therapist put it in perspective for me, sleep deprived, high anxiety. I'm going to that self that wants to medicate. How did I medicate from my divorce? Men. affection, love. pleasure seeking need to be validated... Instead of being down on myself for still having this need, I recognized it enough not to call him.. not to "react" to the circumstances. he said instead look at it as a victory for myself. every time I don't go back is a step forward.
yeh me.... right? ugh... doesn't take the stress, fear, anxiety away... maybe I should start drinking :0
So Im back from a wonderful vacation, only to find a family crisis. My Brother who is going through a divorce (an x drug addict, still has a hard time holding a job) decided that he was going to move back to our state. Apparently he, his drug addict son and sons girlfriend have been living in a tent for months at a state park. he wants a better life and wants to help his son get off drugs. so he thought it was a good idea to sell his old junk car for 250.00 rent a uhaul and drive 20 hours straight and park in my driveway.
I woke up in the morning to go back to work from vaca, with no knowledge that I had a u haul in my driveway! I haven't talked to this brother in almost a year.
Anyways they knocked on my door and I just about fell over. He had $6.00 left on him and owed the thruway tolls $8.00 (they gave him a ticket he has to go pay). no gas left in the U-Haul. I did not invite them to stay... he asked if they could set a tent up in back yard.. I said absolutely not. He said I guess we'll go to moms. she has a very small apt. in a senior resident housing unit. I gave him 50.00 and sent him on his way. Now I have my mom begging me to help them.
2 nights of no sleep, anxiety, cant eat and now all I can think about is contacting the XABF. You know the one that everyone thinks is dangerous.... The one that I have managed to not see for 2 months, not talked with for a month and have exchanged no text for 3 weeks...
So to top everything off, I now have this unbelievable anger and depression in myself. I should not be this weak!! I should not want to contact him.. why cant I fight the addiction? ect...
Anyway thank God I had a therapy apt this morning... it helped so much!!
My therapist put it in perspective for me, sleep deprived, high anxiety. I'm going to that self that wants to medicate. How did I medicate from my divorce? Men. affection, love. pleasure seeking need to be validated... Instead of being down on myself for still having this need, I recognized it enough not to call him.. not to "react" to the circumstances. he said instead look at it as a victory for myself. every time I don't go back is a step forward.
yeh me.... right? ugh... doesn't take the stress, fear, anxiety away... maybe I should start drinking :0
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
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doyoureallycare2,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but I'm glad that you're here. I simply cannot imagine what your experience must be like with this man. Please keep coming here--I've been coming here for a long, long time and this is a great place to find support from people who "get it."
When I first started recovery years ago--the first thing I realized was that the very fabric of my being--the way I think, the way I act, the ways I feel--those things all go back to my childhood. I won't even pretend that my life is all sorted out--I have relationship problems of my own to this day--however, I do know that the choices I've made in relationships were greatly affected by my relationship to my family of origin. The things I've expected from men have often been things that I never felt I got from my alcoholic, emotionally unavailable father. I still struggle with that and sometimes subconsciously wish there was another man who could be like a surrogate father to me--and while it sounds demented, I think I've seen adult relationships with men that way. Then, when I don't get it--I feel disappointed. Even more sadly--one of the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics (there's a forum for that as well here by the way) is that we often end up with alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional partners. We learned very young to be perfect codependents. Trust me, I watched codependency at its height from my mother the whole time I was growing up--of course I learned something--too much.
I'm sure things are really overwhelming for you now--but I think going to the counselor was an amazing idea--keep with that. For me, that was my turning point in dealing with family of origin stuff--my therapist talked to me for 15 minutes and she immediately suggested ACoA and Al-Anon--and she was so right. I still have lots of work to do--but it's a process and even though my life is still a little crazy, I feel much better than when I started. It's about progress, not perfection.
So long story short--welcome. We're here for support and we "get it." Keep coming back, I look forward to hearing more from you. Big hugs
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but I'm glad that you're here. I simply cannot imagine what your experience must be like with this man. Please keep coming here--I've been coming here for a long, long time and this is a great place to find support from people who "get it."
When I first started recovery years ago--the first thing I realized was that the very fabric of my being--the way I think, the way I act, the ways I feel--those things all go back to my childhood. I won't even pretend that my life is all sorted out--I have relationship problems of my own to this day--however, I do know that the choices I've made in relationships were greatly affected by my relationship to my family of origin. The things I've expected from men have often been things that I never felt I got from my alcoholic, emotionally unavailable father. I still struggle with that and sometimes subconsciously wish there was another man who could be like a surrogate father to me--and while it sounds demented, I think I've seen adult relationships with men that way. Then, when I don't get it--I feel disappointed. Even more sadly--one of the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics (there's a forum for that as well here by the way) is that we often end up with alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional partners. We learned very young to be perfect codependents. Trust me, I watched codependency at its height from my mother the whole time I was growing up--of course I learned something--too much.
I'm sure things are really overwhelming for you now--but I think going to the counselor was an amazing idea--keep with that. For me, that was my turning point in dealing with family of origin stuff--my therapist talked to me for 15 minutes and she immediately suggested ACoA and Al-Anon--and she was so right. I still have lots of work to do--but it's a process and even though my life is still a little crazy, I feel much better than when I started. It's about progress, not perfection.
So long story short--welcome. We're here for support and we "get it." Keep coming back, I look forward to hearing more from you. Big hugs
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Oh man, what a welcome home from vacation. I'm glad you had a good time though. This family situation will sort itself out. It is not your responsibility. Sounds like this guy is your addiction and you know what to do about it, or rather NOT do.
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So Somehow I thought last night was going to be better... nope.... could not lift a finger in my home. and looking at the mess just makes me more depressed. When I was going with the xbf my house and myself always looked amazing. even in the hard stressful times. I always wanted to look my best and have my home looking its best. Now with my 3rd night of no sleep. stress and depression I look as bad as my home looks...Trying to remember what therapist said. But I'm so stressed... I just want to be happy.. why am I idealizing him? I want someone to rescue me.. make me feel better about myself. I know, I know... no one can.. I have to do the work.... right now I just feel like I have nothing...
Mean while my brother moves in tonight. My x husband calls when he's not happy with the girlfriend but when he's happy he makes sarcastic jokes about my "new house guest". And your right Wackybunny. I'm addicted.. I never thought I was tottaly in love with xbf, and now I vacillate. was it love? was it just need. he love boomed the heck out of me the first 3 months of the relationship.. so much so that I ignored all the redflags he was showing. he filled a tremendous need in me. And once I made the decision to end it with him and not to date anyone else (until I get myself to a healthier place) I went in to withdraw. its a physical and mental ache!! You would think Ive been satisfying this hunger, this need for years.. not just one year of the dating game... my therapist said that my marriage must have filled this need in me. All I know is I never felt this unbalanced! Even with al the crap my xh put me through...
Mean while my brother moves in tonight. My x husband calls when he's not happy with the girlfriend but when he's happy he makes sarcastic jokes about my "new house guest". And your right Wackybunny. I'm addicted.. I never thought I was tottaly in love with xbf, and now I vacillate. was it love? was it just need. he love boomed the heck out of me the first 3 months of the relationship.. so much so that I ignored all the redflags he was showing. he filled a tremendous need in me. And once I made the decision to end it with him and not to date anyone else (until I get myself to a healthier place) I went in to withdraw. its a physical and mental ache!! You would think Ive been satisfying this hunger, this need for years.. not just one year of the dating game... my therapist said that my marriage must have filled this need in me. All I know is I never felt this unbalanced! Even with al the crap my xh put me through...
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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You are letting your brother move in? I thought you weren't cool with that.
I'm sorry if I missed something. Just sounds to me like you don't the hassle or stress. You need some time alone to focus on you.
I'm sorry if I missed something. Just sounds to me like you don't the hassle or stress. You need some time alone to focus on you.
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