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Old 10-13-2014, 08:26 PM
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Confession

I have a confession to make. I was bordering on an emotional affair recently with someone (he's been single for 6 years). When AH and I decided to split(we decided that spring would be best because I can then finish homeschooling for my son's sophomore year before deciding what I'm going to do for the last 2 years of high school), I felt very free despite the fact that we are still married, duh!

Anyway, this is the guy whom I went overboard about back in the spring where I saw the white picket fences in my dreams, LOL. Well, to detach from this man and to focus on my recovery and my relationship with God, I actually deactivated my FB account for a few months so that I could refocus and get back on track mentally and spiritually.

He lives in another state and is friends with my sister. I had to go back to CO last week because my grandmother (who's from FL) was arranging a short family reunion and I was requested to come. My son and I flew up and my sister realized she couldn't pick us up at the airport. So, who does she ask to pick us up? Yep, HIM. And, then my mom asked him to come to our family dinner on Tuesday night and he accepted. UGH! So, I saw this man twice last week after trying to cut ties and take a break from us communicating.

Anyway, we started chatting again and I felt that 'pull'. He was playing with my nephew on the couch and tickling him and I couldn't help but smile and he turned and saw me and smiled back. Y'all know that 'look'?

So, on Friday, he sent me a message. He told me that God was calling him to step back from speaking to me because he didn't want to take the place of my husband. He encouraged me to turn to my husband, to fill my loneliness (if that was an issue) by reaching out to my AH, etc. This man does not know much about my marriage except that my AH struggles with alcohol and that we're having problems. He does not know the extent of things nor did he know that I'm meeting with a new lawyer this very week. He told me he wants what's best for me and for me to be happy but that he doesn't want to be in a place that is NOT in God's will ever again.

We went back and forth and I admitted that he was totally right and that we definitely needed to break off anything before it became a problem. I confessed that I have a long way to go and he told me he'd pray for me and that he wants me to be brave and courageous as I move forward in my life.

It was one of the most honest and open conversations I've ever had in my life. 2 adults being responsible and accountable who are trying as hard as they can to be in God's will. I asked him if any lines were crossed and asked him to forgive me if they were. He said not at all, things never went that far. He just saw the warning signs and I knew he was just helping us to stay on a path that honors God and each other.

Wow! Just wow, that was a huge eye opener to me! To see that there are honorable men out there and that I was capable of maturity and honesty like that. It hurt like heck but it was a HUGE step for me in my relationship with God. I was so grateful to him and to God for showing me that healthy communication does exist and that I am able to participate in it.

I have to be honest, it hurts to not reach out to him. Yet, I believe it's motivation for me to really help me see what it is I want in the future, no matter who comes into my life someday (even when it applies to friendships, too). I have had a glimpse of what a spiritually healthy person looks like and I have seen it in myself, as well. So very grateful for the pain and the lesson here because I am getting closer to taking the next step in my divorce proceedings. I'm not sure I can wait until the spring. AH and I barely speak now. Walking on eggshells stinks and I'm just plain tired of living in dysfunction. Life is good, God is good, and I know it's time to move on!
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Old 10-13-2014, 08:45 PM
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I have had a glimpse of what a spiritually healthy person looks like and I have seen it in myself, as well.
I think that is huge. It's so easy to get stuck in the dysfunction -- but you've seen an example of healthy. That would be a great motivator to me.
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Old 10-14-2014, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I think that is huge. It's so easy to get stuck in the dysfunction -- but you've seen an example of healthy. That would be a great motivator to me.
Thanks, Lillamy! It's nice to see that it's still progress not perfection for me. It was also nice to know that I have a male friend like him who holds himself to a higher standard than most people I know, it's refreshing to say the least!
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:06 AM
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When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

sounds like you had a very good teachable moment Liz. someone held the door open and said, Liz LOOK out there, would ya? Look at that whole beautiful wide world. It's right THERE, waiting for you....but you're going to have to learn to open the door yourself.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:23 AM
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Funny about what Anvil said about opening the door myself. Here's what I posted on my FB feed yesterday before I came here to post:

You know that saying, "When God closes a door, he opens a window(or another door)?" After doing my morning devotionals and spending time with God today, I realized that maybe God isn't the one who opens those doors or windows. Maybe, it's me? As I stand in the dark hallway and feel that no door is open and there is no real light, I know that the only thing I have left is God. I must turn to Him, lean on Him, and let his light shine in me and through me. I cry out to Him and ask that Jesus lift the fears and anxieties and sadness from me. If I allow God to work in my heart, soul, and mind, I know I will find peace and joy that wasn't there before. I know it, because it's happened time and time again, whether I was aware of it or not. And, if I let that light shine in that darkness, no matter how pitch black it may be, I will eventually see that door at the end of the hallway and I can reach out to turn the handle. I can gain a new perspective when that door is opened and I can see a new horizon that God has planned for me. It's when I am in the darkness that I can truly see the light, if I just surrender to God's will and rest in Him.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:50 AM
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Liz, I do not propose or condone extramarital "stuff," but I also believe that there is a purpose to be served by spreading wings and ending isolation, because it DOES expose us to healthy, normal people and shows us what is out there. Dysfunction has been our normal for so long.

((HUGS)) to you. I think you have handled the entire situation extremely well.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:59 AM
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maybe God isn't the one who opens those doors or windows. Maybe, it's me?
I have this picture of God shaking his head at us going "So you're still sitting there in the dark hallway surrounded by doors and complaining that you're sitting in the dark? Just go open a door -- kick open ALL the doors! They're right there? Do I have to bring out my two-by-four and smack you over the head with it?" (The answer, in my case, was always "Yes. Yes, you have to. Because if you don't, I won't get it...)
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Old 10-15-2014, 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I have this picture of God shaking his head at us going "So you're still sitting there in the dark hallway surrounded by doors and complaining that you're sitting in the dark? Just go open a door -- kick open ALL the doors! They're right there? Do I have to bring out my two-by-four and smack you over the head with it?" (The answer, in my case, was always "Yes. Yes, you have to. Because if you don't, I won't get it...)
Ummm, I think I needed God to light a fire under my feet AND smack me upside the head with a 2 by 4! I'm pretty sure he did that multiple times.

Right now, I'm frustrated that my AH is being, well, an A, about my mom and her husband coming to visit. They come every fall and will be here for my son's 16th birthday and want to watch a tennis tournament. My AH has made plans to go visit friends in MI and then go back to his brothers in MD for a few days so that he does NOT ruin my mom's vacation with his presence. He will be attending his friend's kids events like swim meets and soccer games, but he will miss his son's 16th birthday and another tennis tournament. My mom called him a coward. Yeah, that about sums it up. Not like the tennis thing mattered anyway, he hasn't been to a tournament in 5 years now.

Can't wait to meet with this new lawyer on Friday!
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Old 10-15-2014, 09:30 AM
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It's nice when you meet someone who is not dysfunctional.

I hope you meeting goes well on Friday.

Tight hugs!
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