dandylion

Wende7.....my dear, if you are waiting for "answers" from an active alcoholic....you are likely to die with a question mark on your headstone. I can gurantee that he doesn't have answers himself. Alcoholics fight a constant war within their own heads every single day.
They can often give an excuse for their behaviors....and, that almost always involves blaming you or someone else......LOL.

Trust me...living with him full time and seeing the ugliness up close...still won't make it easier for you to cut the ties.
I have seen lots of women who said that very thing..."If he would just cheat on me or beat me..then, I could leave him easier"....then, when it actually DID happen....it wasn't any easier to leave.

That you are suffering....and, he doesn't show any caring...should be all the proof that you need. Your pain is the evidence. Love is not supposed to hurt like this. Love should enrich your life...it should sustain you in life...

So, you fell into passion with him and established emotional bonds. This is mother nature's work. When it is healthy and works out for the betterment of both...great.
When it is damaging to one of the individuals....it is necessary to move to a better place out of self-preservation.
BUT....the bonds are hard to break...very painful. (more of mother nature's work).
It requires a period of grieving...during which time there is real suffering---just like you are feeling, right now.
There is no way around it....except for through it.

It is short-term pain for the long-term gain.

This won't last forever....it comes to an end. You will get through this...like so many of us before you.

You are not alone....

dandylion

Brindie

I so feel for you - me too, fixer, carer, accommodator, you name it, and fat lot of good it did me! That's when we get taken advantage of, and yet somehow we go the extra mile to fix things - for them, not US! So be at peace with all the good advice on this forum - these good folks helped me turn my life around and stand up for myself. Listen to their stories, see if there is one success story you can find. Two of the really memorable posts here which have served me well are - 'Time is our friend' and 'Don't stay in a relationship you wouldn't want your own daughter to stay in'. Hang in there, and 'no contact' and 'closure' are in complete contradiction to one another. You will find your own closure without him. Be strong.

Lovenlies

OMG Wende7, your guy sounds exactly like my guy. You story sounds exactly like my story. You even sound exactly like me. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know how much it hurts and I too have sleepless nights. I thought I was doing better until I picked up that phone when he called and I just couldn't help myself. I thought I needed closure. Well I asked him what, where, when, why and got my answers and pretty much all of them lies or if it sounded like a truth it didn't make sense with his actions. But he loves me and misses me and needs me in his life, so he says and now I'm back to square one. I'm trying to get the courage to block him, I just can't do it yet. I just wanna make sure he knows that I'm here for him to support him. (That's my excuse).
I don't think there will ever be closure just because we will never get the truth and we don't see clear anymore and we see things through tainted glasses (love, guilt, codependency, fear,.....)
I wish you lots of strength and courage to do what is best for you. Hug

AnvilheadII

I am taking all of the advice to heart and I know that I should walk away gracefully.....how do I do that without any answers from him?

since he fed you nothing but lies from teh get go, he certainly isn't going to be the one to give you clarity and honesty now.

here's the deal - we don't always GET everything wrapped up nice and tidy with a bow. in real life, rarely are there enough answers. and rarely CLOSURE. closure comes when WE accept what is and then move forward. take a good hard look at WHAT he got so upset about...after he went on a drunkfest and disappeared for a few days, then you got irked and blocked his text and now poof HE'S DONE WITH YOU. really? and you want to hang on to someone who does that???

it didn't work out. that's all. he wasn't who you thought he was or hoped he was. so you put him back on the rack and keep going.

Lenina

Wende, my experience? Nostalgia and lust are powerful. And delusional. Add the internet and its cloaking ability equals disaster.

Please do see a counselor. love addiction is treatable and you will get back your power. You won't need or even want his lies. I know. BTDT you can find lots of self help books on this but I recommend getting some f2f time with a therapist

Love from Lenina

wackybunny

I would be very wary if I were you... Obviously I don't know him but it seems like red flag central. Not surprising he was wonderful for the first few months. It's easy to put on your best face when you only have to do it for a short time. It's when the initial novelty has worn off and we're tired and we feel relaxed enough to drop our guards, then we show more what kind of person we are to live with. Six months is not very long imo.

When you mentioned that he frequently tells little lies, it reminded me of my first live-in boyfriend. It took me over a year to see it. He was such a good manipulator and so charming that I never guessed. He slowly warped my whole sense of reality and my relationships with others. Once I started piecing it all together I was shocked. He would lie about tiny things, huge things and everything in between. When I'd confront him he would fly into a rage (sometimes disappear for days and turn up drunk in a hospital) and somehow I'd be the one apologizing... funny that. He was totally sick and I was so young. I broke up with him 20 years ago. It was painful at the time but since then I've had 4 long term relationships and I've been with my current wonderful bf for 10 years. I barely even remember him or the pain of breaking up, it is totally insignificant now.