wende7

I am so happy that I found this site.
I am so scared that people will judge me for my choices that I have not been able to tell a sole what I have been going through. I reconnected with an ex BF from HS about 6 months ago. I had no intentions of starting a relationship with him. He almost instantly became like a best friend to me. I am the type of person who is always helping others so it was so nice to have someone that really listened to me and supported me. We became romantically involved a few months after reconnecting and he blew me away. I have never met anyone so kind and caring in my life. I fell head over heels for him. We live several hrs from each other so I did not get to see him in his daily life for quite awhile....when I did I was shocked! He admitted to me that he has a "drinking problem" but that he doesn't have to drink everyday.He says that his drinking helps him deal with the pain from a severe back injury (he has many ongoing medical problems). Anyone that knows me would say that I normally would run from a situation like this but he had some sort of hold on me. As time progressed I realized the extent and damage his drinking has caused. He starting lying to me about anything and everything, he would disappear and not text me for days on end and as a result I started to withdraw from my friends, my family & my job because I was distracted with helping him and making things right. Recently we got into an argument because he attended a Wedding & got completely wasted, I didnt hear from him for 2 days. He tried to apologize but I blocked his text. He is so furious with me for doing that he has not talked to me in almost 2 weeks. He wont reply to my msg.s and wont take my calls.
I feel like a complete fool for practically begging him to talk to me. I am going out of my mind worrying about him and I feel heartbroken that I lost my best friend. I know I cant help him but I cant fight the feeling that he needs me. Its like one half of my brain is fighting with the other half as to what is right and what is wrong.
I am having a hard time sleeping and working because I am almost constantly checking my phone to see if he has contacted me. This is so out of character for me. Please help...have I lost my mind? How do I move on? I am so lost and confused. I feel like I should avoid talking to him if/when he does contact me but I dont know if I have the strength to do that.

littlesister1

He is a grown up
He will survive

Take care of you!

BoxinRotz

You have lost your mind. He does not need you. Needs and wants: he needs air to live; he does not need wende7 to breathe for him. He needs food to survive; he does not need wende7 to feed him. He needs fluids; he does not need wende7 to provide him water. He can eat, drink, and breathe with out you.

You will not fix him. He may be a great lay but that's about it.

Fandy

You know that he has deceived you from Day 1. You know that this is a one sided relationship, your needing to know about him and what you think is going on.

It is not balanced and it is not true love. Really, you might want to seek help for yourself, because his actions are abusive towards you. Considering all he has demonstrated to you, you don't want this type of life, he is destroying you. stay away from him, he is not helping you or giving you anything except physical and mental upset.

biminiblue

Boxinroz


Wende7, welcome to the forums. There is a lot of wisdom and support here. I understand the obsessive track you are on. Unfortunately that track has two trains going full speed directly at each other.

People like your BF know how to choose people to place in their lives that will take care of them - they purposely select "helpers" and caretakers because they cannot take care of themselves. Caretakers like you love a project. It's a classic matchup.

Step back - break the obsessiveness by not contacting him. You cannot save him and you may lose yourself by trying. Try to figure out what it is about Wende7 that makes you choose this type of person. What is the hook that has you so wound up? Is it a role you are playing out because of your childhood? Did you not get enough attention maybe? I'm not blaming you, it's just this came from somewhere.

I know how tough it is, I've been there. Just trust your gut.

SoloMio

Boy, your post is right out of my playbook.. the instant connection, my normally rational and self-respecting behavior gone awry, the big fight after he acted like a drunken jerk at a family event, and the ensuing should-I call-him-no-I-shouldn't-but-I-really-want-to internal battle.

So, a) you're not a fool, and b) I'm sure as heck not going to judge you.

But I will tell you that I started out the same way you did and I've now been married to the same guy for 36 years. His behavior has not changed one bit (except for a 5 year period of sobriety in the middle somewhere).

If I could have gone back to my younger self when I was asking myself the same questions you're asking, I'd suggest counseling, as Fandy said. I really needed it and didn't get it. If you don't like the idea of waking up in 38 years and being married to the same person who acts the same way has he does today, you should definitely seek help in trying to get your mind around how you feel.

Hugs to you, and definitely at least keep coming back here. Glad you posted.

atalose

No judgments here, many of us have been exactly where you are finding yourself today.

We become addicted to them much like they are addicted to booze/drugs. A term you will hear alot on SR is codependency. Look it up and get acquainted with it.

Here’s my dollar store phycology for you:

These are all the things you stated regarding this guy.

He instantly became my best friend.
He listened to me.
He supported me.

Sounds like you were lacking a close connection with anyone and then he comes along and becomes your everything. The fact you can’t tell your family or friends indicates to me a lack of a true connection to yourself. It’s like you are living a fake life and now desperately you want that fake life to be so real but that’s not going to happen with this guy.

WE can’t force the round peg into the square hole. We can’t accept the un-acceptable thinking WE can turn them into who and what and how we want them to be. You are not the help he needs, never was and never will be.

This guy lied to you about his drinking from the beginning which I’m sure you discovered because he could no longer hide it. Then he started lying to you about everything. You called him out on his crap and like a big baby went into the silent mode.

Anyone that knows me would say that I normally would run from a situation like this but he had some sort of hold on………….He doesn’t have the hold on you YOU have the hold on you……….the truth will set you free. Getting honest with yourself then with your family and friends…………..

AnvilheadII

if you consider HIM your Best Friend, then a good place to start might be how after a short six month reconnect you GAVE him that title - when all he did was put on the charm and ACT nice until he had you on the hook. and THEN the real him was revealed. a not very nice REAL him.

I started to withdraw from my friends, my family & my job because I was distracted with helping him and making things right.

this is classic codependency thru and thru. you put your OWN life on hold trying to FIX somebody else - when in fact they didn't ASK you to fix them and had no interest in BEING fixed.

leave him as you found him (again) and move on. you deserve better.

honeypig

wende7, welcome to SR. As others have mentioned, there is a lot of hard-earned wisdom here, and as you've seen, some tough love, too. Please don't let that scare you off.

I hope you'll spend as much time as you can reading here. You'll almost certainly see yourself in the stories of other members, and you'll know you're not alone. There is definitely help, hope and growth for you if you choose to reach out and work for it. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either.

Alanon can be a great face-to-face resource, too, and you may want to check out several meetings to see if it's a fit for you.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

wende7

Wow Thank You all for the advice, wisdom and a sense of direction. It was tough to read some of the comments but they all struck a cord with me. I have several close friends that I can talk to and have a very close nit family that would do anything for me, I think that I am embarrassed to talk about this because its so out of character for me. I know that I have issues about how I am perceived by others...maybe thats why this relationship took off the way it did. I am always the "fixer" the "planner" and the strong one for my friends & family so its not easy to be the one who needs help right now because of a poor decision on my part.
Today I have received several texts from his sister and niece about some health issues he is having (all related to alcohol I am sure). None of them will admit that he has a problem, they act as if life has dealt him a horrible hand because of his back injury and that he has a handle on his drinking. Its so frustrating. I know what I need to do but its so damn difficult to walk away...the "what if's" are driving me crazy. If something happens to him I feel like I have abandoned him.
I did take some of the advice given and made myself an appointment with a therapist. Thank You all so much!!!!!!!! I hope I am strong enough to resist the inevitable excuses I am sure he will give me.

Katiekate

Block him and get some rest. Alcoholics abandon themselves and those that love them, there is no abandonment on your part.

BoxinRotz

You need to ask yourself:

What if I stay and:

I miss out on a perfectly normal and healthy relationship!
He takes me for every penny I own because he wrecked my car, destroyed my furniture and home, stole my credit/debit cards...
Emotionally abused me and made me feel as though I'm worthless, I don't deserve to be loved and blamed me for his drinking!
Isolated me!
Physically hurt me by pushing, hitting, slapping and punching me!

Do you really know what it's like to live with an alcoholic?

Rosalba

To the OP: what you are describing is relationship addiction, and what you are experiencing is the pain of withdrawal - which can be just as distressing as withdrawal from a drug. It will pass.

In some respects he's made it easier for you by refusing to take your calls. It might be an idea for you to protect yourself by blocking him, too, so that you don't have to make an agonising decision if he does contact you.

Also, the statement that he is your 'best friend' might bear some examination, too. At the start of relationships, we all see the other person through a romantic rosy haze. The other person, in turn, is on their best behaviour. This stage doesn't last - for anyone - and will be replaced by a more realistic appraisal of the situation.

So if you look at his behaviour once you were experiencing the real him... when you think about the characteristics you look for in a friend, do things like 'lying', 'manipulative' and 'alcoholic' feature in your list?

Take care of you. Surround yourself with people who care about you, get back into interests you've neglected because you were obsessed with him; if necessary, get counselling or attend CoDA or Alanon meetings. Whatever, your duty is not to take care of him - that's his responsibility.

NWGRITS

If I treated my best friend that way, he'd drop me like a hot potato. Respect is one of the basic tenets of friendship. Love is built on that, too. There's no respect from either of you toward each other. Look over your post again and think of how you'd respond if this was your daughter. I've done the obsessive thinking and calling over someone who couldn't care less about me until they needed something done like laundry, cooking, a beer run. I get it. But looking back after years of recovery, I wonder "Who the hell was that person and why was she so stupid and desperate?" Yep. Know those feelings all too well. The best thing you can do is never contact him again, and get thee to Al-Anon or a therapist quickly. You can't save him, but you can save yourself.

Jenibean87

Feeling heavy vibes of Love Addiction here (believe me, I am well versed. Ugh.) classic behavior in that the more he pulls away, the more you obsess and try to pull him back. Read some Pia Mellody, drink some tea, have a hot shower and think about the sane normal person you were a few months ago compared to this panicked, scared woman. The revelation will shock you.

Normally, when someone asks for space, we can give it to them. In love addiction, we simply cannot. It manifests in constant calling and texting and worrying and getting more and more upset and anxious as time passes.

Question: do you think he is nearly as concerned with you and your well being as you are about him? Do you think he is waiting by the phone, reading and rereading every correspondence, and obsessing about you? I'd guess not. I'd guess that you threatened his relationship with his drug of choice, and he cut you out, plain and simple.

Sorry to be blunt, but is found in my own struggle with this exact same thing that if people didn't spell it out for me, I couldn't see it. And I couldn't heal.

Good luck.

jadealexander

Are you employed in a "helping" field? Bc you are not his caretaker. He can make his own decisions. But you may feel some joy in helping others. A fulfilment in your life. I thrive on helping others. It has been the hardest for me to step away from my bfs addiction. But I, nor you can help them. You will find someone..or someone will find you that will treat you the way you deserve. His drinking may be a big issue but it seems like he is an overall ****** person.

wende7

Words can't describe how comforting it's been to read all of these msg's. I haven't gathered the courage to block him completly however I have put a halt to his family members contacting me & I've made an appoint. To see a therapist through the hosp. I work at. These are things I feel like I couldn't have done just one week ago.
I still feel like Iam abandoning him. I hope that goes away in time.
I know most will shake their heads at this but I can't help but to keep thinking about the caring person I know he is deep down. He bends over backwards to help everyone but himself. That breaks my heart. I heard through his sister that he is in "hibernation mode"now trying to deal with all of his medical problems. As I sit here I struggle with the fact that he's in pain. jenibean87 you hit the nail on the head! It just hurts so much to think he fooled me the way he did. We had dreams together... I can't wrap my head around the fact that he could just cut me out & be so selfish. It goes against all of the traits that I fell in love with.
I do work in health care. I actually work in a Children's Hospital so being a caretaker is my job day in and out. I feel like I have a good handle on my emotions at work but he blew me away. I was completly caught off guard with this situation & it's tearing me apart.
Is he really the only one who can help himself?

LadyinBC

You are not abandoning him. Us alcoholics do it to ourselves. The best thing you can do for him is to put yourself first and make sure you are looking after yourself. You HAVE to put yourself first.

You don't want to get lost in his addiction, this is what happens when others think they need to take care of us. We have to learn to take care of ourselves and fix ourselves. No one can do it for us, no matter how much they love us and want to help.

Big hugs to you, you will find so much support and good help here.

wende7

After another sleepless night and after reading these posts over and over I see that the sticking point for me is that I have never lived with him and I dont see the ugly side of his addiction on a daily basis.
We live several hrs away from each other so when we are together he treats me like a princess, when we are apart he (used to) send me the sweetest most uplifting texts throughout the day. I never felt as though I had to take care of him or do things for him because he was always the one pampering me.
It took several months for me to start seeing the ugly side of his addiction. His constant lies that I would catch him in, most of which were over the smallest of things....it was like he was lying just because he could. And then he would disappear for days on end I wouldnt hear anything from him. I can honestly say that I have never even seen him drunk ever, I would spend weekends with him and he would have a glass of wine and thats all. I think that all of this might be easier for me to get over if I were to see that side of him first hand. I know that probably sounds twisted but its as if my heart is battling my mind. Its hard to accept somehting that I havent seen....does that make any sense? Its almost as if his lies and excuses were so good that I cant help but to have doubts about the things that he has done.
Iam trying to build the courage to block his calls. I know that they will be coming as this is the pattern that we have followed several times. I feel like i want to hear his voice so bad, I want to hear his excuse this time and I want some sort of closure. I am taking all of the advice to heart and I know that I should walk away gracefully.....how do I do that without any answers from him? Ugh I hate this emotional coaster I am on.

ladyscribbler

He doesn't have answers, only more lies. And really, what could he say that would leave you totally satisfied with the end of this relationship?
No contact is the way to heal from this, not listening to lies and excuses and empty promises.