blessed4x

Some of you know my story...in a nutshell, married for 21 years, divorced and remarried for the past 5. AH was sober for 4ish, then relapsed about a year and a half ago. He said he wanted a divorce (spring of 2013), that he never was an alcoholic (after attending AA, counseling, etc), then said that wasn't what he wanted and we on with things improving briefly. He has been drinking pretty much daily for months now. So we have this weird, distant relationship. We are cordial, we text, no ugly fights like before, but there is no real connection. I eat with the kids and he sometimes fixes a plate and takes it to another room and eats alone. He doesn't bother me when he's drunk, and I just avoid him. I REALLY don't want to go through a divorce again. I go about my business and keep busy with the kids. He stays home and drinks. Help me see the dysfunction in this....gently, please.

lillamy

Every relationship is different. There are people for whom a close connection isn't crucial. Everyone has their own reason for why they stay in a relationship. Only you can determine what is important to you. If you are happy with the relationship you have with your AH, you have no reason to second-guess it.

But somehow, it doesn't sound like you are. It sounds like you're worried about what lies ahead. It sounds like you're unhappy with having an AH who's like a room mate.

So one thing I recognize was -- my ex used to isolate like yours does, drink on his own, eat on his own, basically not be a part of the family. And when I told him his drinking bothered me, he would say "How -- I drink on my own and stay away from you?" And that made it harder for me to motivate why it bothered me.

For me, it was that (beyond abuse and all that BS), I did not have a partner in my marriage. I had a drunk who paid part of the bills. (It got worse, as alcoholism untreated tends to get.) But even before it got really horrid, I knew I wanted more out of life than that. It just took me a very long time to feel like I had the right to ask more of life.

blessed4x

Thank you, lillamy. That about sums it up. I have a roommate that helps pay the bills. I feel like the kids and I deserve more than that. Maybe it's just that it's what we know, it's familiar. And obviously I do love him, or I wouldn't have married him twice! There's always the threat of what will (and I know it will) come....be it health issues, legal problems, dementia. When we got back together I said if he drank again it would be over for good...then I let it go on and now I feel sort of stuck. I guess I justified it because it's so different this time without the fighting and verbal/emotional abuse. It's much sadder this time, really.

ShootingStar1

If you haven't done it, maybe some individual counselling would be a good thing to do. It would give you a safe forum to look at your side of the equation: why you want to live in this marriage as it is.

ShootingStar1

hopeful4

I had a big fear of what would happen to my X in his future. I know it won't be good, and I did not want to be held hostage by someone who slowly chooses to kill themselves via alcohol and Rx pill abuse. It does progress.

So sorry. I agree individual counseling would help you figure out what YOU want from life and what to do to get there.

XXX

hopeful4

I have been thinking about your post. I am not sure what your kid's ages are? For myself, I thought I had it all under control, that my children were not affected by his drinking. I could not have been further from the truth, and the older they have gotten (they are 14 and 8, girls) the harder it has become. I caution you to watch your children and how they take in all of this. One of the most important things I learned in counseling was that it is my job as a parent to demonstrate appropriate behavior to my children, and appropriate reactions to inappropriate behavior. That was a real eye opener for me.

Hugs.

Faith444

atalose

I feel like the kids and I deserve more

Have you ever talked with your kids about all of this? How do they feel about their father and how he's not really part of the "family unit" per say?