meggem

There was a horrible phone altercation on the phone Monday night that just pushed me too far. I was in emotional collapse. I couldn't take it anymore. He was to pick up DD for ice cream for her first day of school at 5:30.

He called around 4:15 and said he was on the way (we had just gotten home a little bit ago) his new arrival time was fine (he's an electrician so he doesn't have the luxury of punching out at a certain time which he loves to be the victim about).

I simply said - Ok, but she hasn't had dinner yet. I just meant, make sure she eats something before ice cream, or I guess propose that we make an exception and she has ice cream for dinner - I don't know - I had no idea what was coming next.

He went off. This was ice cream ONLY. We DISCUSSED THIS. Then he went off and called me the WORST names. The ones that are typically reserved unless really needed (they never are).

Then I lost my temper. We argued about this dinner/ice cream. He mentioned no money - I said I would send her with money - he doesn't want my f-in money. I think I tried to say I wasn't cancelling or delaying I just wanted to mention she hadn't had dinner.

ugly ugly ugly. It just went on and on an on.

I woke up yesterday morning I could just "tell" I was going to fall to pieces. I knew yesterday was "the" day. The day I had enough. The day I knew I had to take action. Yesterday was the day my soul was going to die a little more.

Went to police station, filled out a report, was sent to the courthouse, went up in front of a judge - had to explain this RIDICULOUS ice cream story. Thankfully she asked for any past incidents along with the current bullying and harassing prior to ice cream- thank god I had more meaty examples.

PFA granted she said. Custody order stays in place for now. Court date September 8th.

Surreal.

Wow.

I guess I'm not feeling any worse than I did. Not sure I'm better. I think I might be better. I don't know. I can't believe this. I just can't.

Now I have to go into work today with the knowledge that i called my boss SOBBING yesterday morning telling him why I was not coming in. He's a nice boss and will be fine but still.

I feel gross and exposed and naked and weird and lost and just Eww..

How do I get used to this? how do I get acclimated that this is my life. How do I make SENSE of this?????

bringiton

I don't have any advice for you. I just imagine you are going to have a lot of up and down moments. It's a lot to deal with, and it can keep changing so fast! You took an important step that no one thinks they will have to take at the beginning of the relationship. You are doing a great job taking care of the two of you. Good luck today just do the best you can. Sending you hugs

CodeJob

Just here reading and supporting you Meggem.

dandylion

meggem....you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.....eventually, it gets better.

Things feel just awful, right now. But, you are taking the right actions. The sun will shine, again, when you get to the other side of the mountain!

dandylion

ResignedToWait

Good for you! I'm not sure how you're feeling about having to do that, and what is coming in the future...but hopefully you're feeling strong, assertive, and in control. That's exactly what you did, is do the hard thing to take away his ability to be abusive to you and your child, emotionally.
*High five* for taking control back, and away from him!

Sungrl

Meg, you are protecting your child. There is nothing gross about that. That is commendable. Just keep remembering what you are doing is for your child and nothing else matters. It will get better.

ashamed2day

meggem- You are doing something that allot of kids that are raised in a bad environment wish they had and that is a Mother that loves them and themselves.

I am sorry you are hurting I can feel it in your words but, years from now when your daughter reflects on her mom's strength it will help her in her decisions down the road.

You didn't just go to the battle lines of emotional battle you won the war. Be kind to yourself and like CodeJob said were here supporting you.

Your post has put things back into perspective to me and for that I am grateful.

biminiblue

This is not your fault.

Your boss is on your side, it's not your fault your ex is nutty. I understand wanting to be independent and able to handle all this without asking for help, but sometimes it is taken out of our hands.

I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening.

FeelingGreat

Hi meggem, I bet it does seem strange and surreal, but most of us encounter some sort of trouble if we live long enough. After all we're just doing the best we can with what life throws at us.
I couldn't work out what the PFA was, but I'm thinking you have sole custody for now? It's about time he learned that abuse is not tolerated. I hope this means he's not allowed to contact you with more abuse. Well done for taking action.

meggem

yes in my state, PA, it is called a PFA (Protection from Abuse). At this point, I do not have any concerns with him and the kids. I am comfortable with the kids being with him and I was honest with the judge. It is me he HATES with every fiber of his being and like he said many times "His only mission in life is to destroy me.

He has been verbally abusive and bullying me by text and voice since I ended it in June. I finally had my breaking point. I had been holding off because I wasn't sure what he was doing fell into the "qualifications" for a PFA but I guess it does because it was granted. I just could not take anymore.

atalose

Our lives can be broken down into two parts – before this and after this. (This) does not have to be our whole story but merely a chapter along the way.

You are stronger because you had to be and smarter because you have learned. You are changing and that change is showing.

It’s not easy and I know you have to continue dealing with him because of your child but the more strength you continue to show the less his immaturity and behaviors will become.

meggem

atalose that was awesome thanks and thanks to everyone else too for the support and replies...

Santa

So glad you got the PFA order. We become so conditioned to gradually escalating abuse and manipulation that we begin to agree with the abuser when he says it's not abuse. Guess what it is! Having a judge agree is important and validating. Make sure you call law enforcement if he violates the PFA order in ANY way.

hopeful4

You are so strong. It's not too long ago you NEVER would have considered this. You see that you don't deserve the abuse and are strong enough to go do something about it. Hats off to you and your recovery!

Much Love! XXX

myfreedom

I am also in Pa, I have had two PFA's on my AH which there was abuse. I recently called to inquire about a new one, because he was constantly yelling and screaming at me and also to our daughter, and I was told I couln't get one because there was no actual threat to my life or physical abuse.

meggem

Freedom that is one of the reasons I’ve been hesitating. And also what hopeful said – I would NEVER take this kind of step. While he has been abusive, I didn’t think I qualified for a PFA because he has been in such a gray area - But I was so desperate I thought I would surrender and let the judge decide. How did the 2 PFA’s you have expire? (is that the right word) – what was the court date like? Can you share anything?

Hopeful thank you for reminding me of where I came from. I am not sure if I am in a better place than I was in June or not. I felt like I was for a minute, and now I feel.. I don’t even know.

Brindie

Sounds like you instinctively know when the is right moment to make the right decisions. And you do. All credit to you for the way you continue to handle this situation. Day by day, step by step. It's the emotional cost, the ongoing rollercoaster of stuff that makes it hard. It still makes it right, though, doesn't it? Hugs to you

stella27

Hi megge,

I live in a bug city 3 hours away from XAH. We meet halfway to exchange kids every other weekend.

In May I was late getting to the exchange point because of Friday afternoon traffic on the way out of town. So I texted to say I was running late.

I ended up being 17 minutes late. I know this because XAH sent me a barrage of hateful, angry, nasty text messages about how inconsiderate, careless, rude, thoughtless I was.

Kids were already with him, I was openly crying. My friends don't understand how words from somebody who is obviously overreacting can send me into a panic.

And I know that is because they didn't live with that kind of verbal abuse for 14 years like I (stupidly) did, and that the words that sound almost-funny to a bystander can reduce me - a strong, accomplished, professional to tears and a flurry of self-doubt.

But I know, and XAH knows too. Which is why he did it.

I am telling you all this to say that waking up the next day not able to handle it anymore and not being fit to report to work is COMPLETELY understandable to me.

You did the right thing and I am proud of you. Now learn how to record those calls.

meggem

Thanks Stella.

myfreedom

I know the 2nd one was for 6 months and i wanted to extend it when it got closer to expire, but if no harm was done, i was not able to extend it. So I just should have made it the maximum at the beginning. The court date was just that he went in before the judge and accepted the order terms and that was it. Nothing too nerve wracking.