Aljames

My fiancée have been together for 4 years and she has been in the program as long as we have been couple. I have known her before she was sober and were best friends. I was there and supported her joining the group. I believe AA is great for her and I love the program and what it teaches. Recently, I been feeling she's been distant and being less intimate with me. It seems like she rather spend more time with AA and friends in the program. Almost like she is running away from me and our home. She is having a tough time with coping with some of her close friends going out and she needs more meeting because of it. I understand she needs this time to work on her program but I do feel left out of her world and being excluded recently. She goes out to meeting and events with them all day and sees me only a couple hours of the day. What really made me more worried is that I having my birthday party coming up, knowing that I have one every year, and she tells me she's going to go to an AA event instead. I understand she needs to be surrounded by her fellow members but I can't shake this uneasiness. I made a lot of sacrifices in my life for her and I know she isn't cheating on me but can't help feeling that she is growing apart from me like she is emotionally cheating with AA and the members. It makes me question where we are at in our relationship and feel lonely and unneeded. I've been questioning if I'm the right person she needs in her life. I'm very confused and would value anyone's incite on this situation.

AlwaysGrowing

If you love someone set them free. If they come back then you have something. Or something like that....


Maybe take things even slower and give her time. She may stray, she may not. She may need that time away in meetings and she may not.

I would find something for you to do and not just wait at the door looking at the clock.

Aljames

Thanks for helping me remember that. I actually feel better about it. I think keeping in these feelings makes me doubt myself.

honeypig

Hi, Aljames. Over time, I've read a number of threads here from people in a similar situation to you. It's not uncommon for the partner of the A to feel left out and overlooked, to feel as if they're suddenly unneeded and at loose ends when the A starts recovery. All this time we've spent taking care of the A, cleaning up their messes both literally and figuratively, and now they have the nerve to learn how to take care of themselves and go off w/other people!

The best solution I've seen for that, and the best solution from my personal experience, is to start taking care of yourself. As a previous poster said, don't wait by the door and watch the clock; it only fosters resentment. Start your own recovery. You may not think you need it, but chances are pretty darn good that you do! This section of the stickied threads at the top of the page might have some reading that you'd find useful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

I'd also like to suggest Alanon for you--since she's in AA, it might help you to find some common ground w/her in addition to being a great resource for you. I hope you keep coming back to SR. There's a ton of wisdom and insight here, and you can learn and grow a LOT.

CodeJob

Hello AlJames, you have known her for years and this is just now coming between you? I wonder if your gut instinct is then exactly right - she is using AA as a barrier?

My RAH is still a mess with intimacy 16 mo sober. I can only guess that it is a wee bit of self hatred and a small tsunami of anger towards me. We just restarted marriage counseling, so I am going in next time dressed like Platoon. Maybe you two should get a bit of counseling up front?

Listen to your gut.

dandylion

This is part of the reason why I have always felt that the alcoholic and their loved ones should live separately for the first year of recovery.
it would be merciful for all concerned.

dandylion

AnvilheadII

but can't help feeling that she is growing apart from me like she is emotionally cheating with AA

maybe she's just growing a part from you. that happens in relationships....people DO grow apart sometimes. it's painful for sure. this might be the time for you to invest more in your own interests and activities....so that your life remains intact regardless of what happens between the two of you.

readerbaby71

While I agree that she may just need more support from her AA friends now, missing my birthday to attend another event would be hurtful and a red flag for me. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her and tell her you feel like she's been distant and ask what's going on with her in a non-confrontational way. Like codejob said, trust your gut.

Whatever happens I wish you both the best. xo

CodeJob

I am not sure Anvil, these 2 people are engaged to be married and grew from friends. They should be pretty chemically in love - high on the idea of spending their lives as a team/couple...

Personally I think RB has wise advice. I wish I could be nonconfrontational. I am either over the top emotional or neglectful. I don't seem to have a third gear.

tomsteve

have you communicated your feelings to her?
not to sound harsh, but I reading fear, self pity, and self importance in yer post,too.
maybe look into alanon for you?

allysen

One of the realities of living with an addict (sober) is that their recovery needs to come first. Always. If you trust her, I would suggest letting the issue go. Plan yourself the birthday party you really want - if she comes, even better. But if not, don't let it ruin your day. I agree with other posters who suggest couples counselling.

readerbaby71

LOL, CJ, I have become the queen of the "I" statement even when I feel confrontational or resentful inside. It really does help to improve communication. Thank you, years of expensive therapy!

readerbaby71

I dunno, a relationship is give and take. It's one night, and it's his birthday. Why should he accommodate what she needs to do for her recovery all the time? There is a life that exists outside of it, especially if you're part of a couple. Obviously some of his needs are not being fulfilled and that does not necessarily make him codependent.

schnappi99

I would defer marriage indefinitely, or until there is clear recovery from alcoholism on her part and confidence (if not also recovery) on yours. The intimacy problem (physical- I'm assuming that has become an issue) and emotional is likely to persist and be deeper for a while. I'm facing both with my RAW, I am not confident of the recovery of the physical, somewhat confident of the emotional, but I am trying <very> hard to stay out of future tripping which is a big trigger for me.

Theres a member of my alanon homegroup who went ahead with the marriage to her alcoholic husband- totally a crapshoot. So far things are OK but in between the lines of her shares there is a gulf between them. She spent the better part of a year without a car, they couldn't afford a 2nd one and his (the one he wrecked in a DUI) had the court-mandated breathalyzer in it which she refused to be involved with. Thankfully there are no children involved.

How much drama are you prepared to buy into?

+1 on trying out Alanon- I think you'll find many in similar or at least related conditions, might help you figure out how you fit into the situation. Its been invaluable for me.

Aljames

We actually communicate very well and recently talked about this before. We have came to an understanding of both of our feelings. An issue that may be causing the intimacy problem is that she is currently under medication to treat her anxiety. She is talking to her doctor about that. Also, there is a breakthrough in her life that she can finally feel like she motivation to go and hang out with friends and doing things. The problem does not lie in her but in my own self doubt and not communicating my needs. I welcome her to fly free but I've been feeling neglected as of recent. I was actually fine with her missing my birthday party at first because she needs to take of herself and her sobriety but recently I just felt emotional about it. Logically I understand but I'm emotionally a little shaken. I'm going to be honest with her and tell her I how I'm feeling so she can understand how I feel.

AnvilheadII

They should be pretty chemically in love - high on the idea of spending their lives as a team/couple...

but she's something under 4 years sober....there is still a lot of repairs to be done, questions to answer, issues to resolve. 4 years is still very young recovery.....

it may just be a phase....the kind we ALL go thru when we have life stuff to sort out. she stated that she felt wobbly as some of her friends had recently relapsed and clinging tighter to her sobriety support - that is a GOOD reaction.....compared to the alternative.

more will be revealed.

ladyscribbler

So you told her it was fine that she was making other plans for your birthday, now you are upset that she didn't choose you.
Alanon is waiting. I bet there are even a couple of meetings at the same time as her AA meetings.
One of my Alanon friends attends a Saturday night Alanon meeting while her husband is across the hall at AA. Before the meeting they go out to dinner. It's their "date night" and has been since her husband got sober. She was in Alanon for awhile before he chose sobriety.