Timeiskey

My ex left for Finland yesterday. I thought I would be relieved to have him away, since he lives right in front of me as most of you know. But it was two months ago to the day when I arrived in Switzerland to meet him and my world was turned upside down from the binge that he was on for the entire week of that trip. During our breakup that occurred almost immediately after we got back, he told me that the way he was drinking in Switzerland is how he drinks when he is on tour. (and that he regretted inviting me, because I saw the worst in him and if I hadn't then we would still be together)

I know the three C's. I know it isn't my business anymore. I hadn't spoken to him for nine days before he left, but something about the fact that he is gone and I am worried about him and I just plain miss him has me in tears all day. I suppose to is the fact that I always knew his every move- he would just tell me and I realized he was gone because the security light that he put up for my protection has been on for a whole day. I am in the middle of a tight deadline for my work, which has had me in my house working on my computer for 10-12 hours a day for several days and I just can't afford to go to an Al Anon meeting until this work is all done. So, if you have any words to help me, I would appreciate it.

I know I am better off without him, but I am just so broken up about it...its been two months and I just wish this sadness and loss would end. I keep thinking about his other trips and our phone conversations and all of that... Some days are better than others. Sometimes I am really strong, but today I am really lonely and just felt like reaching out.

FireSprite

You know, as I was reading this section of your post:

I thought - wow, there's someone being TOTALLY upfront about who he IS & who he intends to BE.

And then I read your signature line:

Quote:

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
― Maya Angelou

And I couldn't help but lol at the irony.

I'm sorry you are feeling low. ((((((hugs)))))) Can you carve out 20 mins or so for yourself? CodeJob just posted some meditation links in Stung's thread recently if you're into taking some mind-time off. Or you could soak for 20 in Epsom salts & rest body & mind. It seems mundane but a great night of sleep works wonders for my outlook. (Trust me, I managed 12 hrs last night for the first time in about a decade, and I felt better as soon as I woke!!)

smc92va

I know your feeling and I too couldn't find an Al- anon meeting today. And I know I am the only one in charge of my happiness. I also know the saying "the heart wants what the heart wants". I'm sick of what my heart wants. Anyone got any suggestions on how to retrain your heart???

Timeiskey

Fire- yes, I was able to get a little "me" time after all. And yes, I know that I must have no contact and move on, which I am trying very hard to do, because he did show me who he was. But as smc commented, (and I am paraphrasing)- it isn't always as simple as knowing when your heart is broken. Didn't mean to whine on here. Just trying make healthier choices about how I express myself I guess.

FireSprite

Oh, I'm not trying to minimize the pain.... you can't control the hurt sometimes. We can only soften it sometimes with a little self care when you can & support yourself as best you can through it. ((((hugs))))

BrokenInPieces

Just sending a ((hug)), since I'm at a lack for words or wisdom. I've been feeling the sadness and loss deeply the past few days, myself. It sucks. I think about him constantly, and the speed at which my emotions change from one moment to the next is ridiculous and exhausting. I feel like I've been completely mind-f**ked. One minute I'm reminding myself of the things that bothered me and how hurtful he ended it... the next minute all I want is to be in his arms and have everything the way it was, laughing and joking and planning our next adventure together.

smc92va

Brokeninpieces my emotions have been all over the place too! I thought I was going crazy! Sometimes I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm free but more often than that, I feel overwhelming hopelessness, sadness and loneliness. I miss him terribly and somedays I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and sometimes I feel almost numb and the world around me feels surreal. I'm hoping the ole adage everything gets better with the passing of time is true. I really hate feeling this way. The weekends see to be especially hard for me because at least during the week I have work to somewhat keep my mind occupied.

Timeiskey

It definitely is a very sensitive time- the emotions all over the place. In this rebuilding of myself as I try to address my Codi issues, sometimes it just gets overwhelming. I appreciate everyone's posts. It does help to know you are not alone

Fire: many HUGS!!!

BrokenInPieces

This. Exactly. I bounce around from sadness to anger, to loss, to hurt, to anger, to hopeless, back to anger so often and so quickly, it's a wonder how I haven't completely lost it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that my thoughts and emotions are all over the place, which makes it even harder to open up to others. I still cry a little almost every day. If he came back right now, my heart would be saying "yes!" while my head was screaming "no!". I could (and wanted to) spend the rest of my life with the sober him... but couldn't stand another night with him and his damn bottle.

Sending you ((hugs)), too.

smc92va

We are living in a parallel universe with our emotions BrokenInPieces. I've isolated myself and have such a hard time being "normal" around anyone including my daughter. I'm fairly new to Nar-Anon and don't yet have a sponsor and even feel slightly detached from everyone there. And even days where I wake up with a little hope in my heart end in tears at some point. I'm so ready to start feeling even a little happy.

Timeiskey

Yes, I am so tired of the tears and the breaking waves of emotion. I understand going through it all but jeesh! I can say that each day, although I cry (and some days I sob still), I know that I am a little better than the last- even if it is only a fragment of an inch better. Sloooooooow progress...

BrokenInPieces

Me, too.

Sending you prayers for stronger and more peaceful tomorrows.