I am not strong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
I am not strong
So I guess AH is going to rehab on Thursday. His family expects me to be there when he checks in. Why should I go? Yes going to a really nice rehab where you get 4 star meals and massages and all that. And I get to sit in this awful toxic house alone, trying to maintain and not doing a very good job of it right now. Can't sleep, 3rd night in a row and I have to work on Tuesday. Running on cigarettes and caffeine. I smoked a whole pack yesterday. I never do that.
Who is going to help me with this damn house? I can't even get the ever loving lawnmower started. I embarrassingly can't cook. Cooking is AHs forte. Yes actually quite good at it. I haven't showered in days. Have no motivation and can't leave the dogs unattended or they wreck the house while I'm in there.
I have to go for my allergy shots tomorrow. I tend to get delayed reactions to them. Who's gonna be here if I go into anaphylaxis and keel over? No one. I have been battling my own demons namely bipolar 2 and severe anxiety. When I get sick I get 3 days in a crappy hospital and get kicked to the curb. Where's my 4 week luxury lifestyle. I am trying hard not to sink into the morass of massive suicidal depression that I was in this winter. I won't kill myself but I'd sure like to crawl into a hole and give up.
I am not strong. I can't do this anymore. My ILs expect me to remain married to him. How am I supposed to do that. There is no trust. How can I be in a marriage with no trust? Frankly I hate his guts right now. He s at mommy and daddy's while I am alone. This house is in foreclosure. I will likely be homeless by the time he gets out. Where the hell am I supposed to go?
Who is going to help me with this damn house? I can't even get the ever loving lawnmower started. I embarrassingly can't cook. Cooking is AHs forte. Yes actually quite good at it. I haven't showered in days. Have no motivation and can't leave the dogs unattended or they wreck the house while I'm in there.
I have to go for my allergy shots tomorrow. I tend to get delayed reactions to them. Who's gonna be here if I go into anaphylaxis and keel over? No one. I have been battling my own demons namely bipolar 2 and severe anxiety. When I get sick I get 3 days in a crappy hospital and get kicked to the curb. Where's my 4 week luxury lifestyle. I am trying hard not to sink into the morass of massive suicidal depression that I was in this winter. I won't kill myself but I'd sure like to crawl into a hole and give up.
I am not strong. I can't do this anymore. My ILs expect me to remain married to him. How am I supposed to do that. There is no trust. How can I be in a marriage with no trust? Frankly I hate his guts right now. He s at mommy and daddy's while I am alone. This house is in foreclosure. I will likely be homeless by the time he gets out. Where the hell am I supposed to go?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi TerpGal, that must be incredibly difficult for you. Start by having a shower, washing your hair and eating something nutritious, even if you don't feel like it. Go to a cooking for children page, there should be something there.
Are you getting some help with mental health issues? Do you have a plan for when you need to move out?
You have 4 weeks to think about yourself and get your house in order; use whatever resources you can find to get support.
Are you getting some help with mental health issues? Do you have a plan for when you need to move out?
You have 4 weeks to think about yourself and get your house in order; use whatever resources you can find to get support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
TerpGal- I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Take one thing at a time like take a shower for one. Replace caffeine for water with lots of lemon or tea. Just a few suggestions.
It can be very overwhelming when you try and tackle things all at once.
Someone said one time most of there life was worrying about things that never happened. This has helped me allot in my recovery.
It can be very overwhelming when you try and tackle things all at once.
Someone said one time most of there life was worrying about things that never happened. This has helped me allot in my recovery.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sorry, but you had me laughing on this one . . .
Instead of One Day at a Time (oodat, for short), I am labeling you OSAAT -- One Shower at a Time.
Might be a good time, right now.
Well, go on. Get in that shower. Not foreclosed, yet.
We will still be here when you get back.
------------------------
But for real . . .
Find A Meeting
We will be waiting for you there, too.
We LOVE newcomers. Someone else to have more fun with.
Really. Get to Alanon.
Might as well hit a meeting a day. Why not?
In 4 weeks you will be doing better than his catered baby-butt powdered nonsense.
Originally Posted by TerpGal 
I haven't showered in days.
Might be a good time, right now.
Well, go on. Get in that shower. Not foreclosed, yet.
We will still be here when you get back.
------------------------
But for real . . .
Where the hell am I supposed to go?
We will be waiting for you there, too.
We LOVE newcomers. Someone else to have more fun with.
Really. Get to Alanon.
Might as well hit a meeting a day. Why not?
In 4 weeks you will be doing better than his catered baby-butt powdered nonsense.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
(((hugs)))
It sounds to me like YOU need to take care of YOU right now.
Shower. Eat. Count out the cigarettes you're going to smoke today in the morning. Stick to that number. Talk to friends. Get out of the house. Get dressed (not necessarily in that order).
You're talking basic survival right now. Establishing routines for yourself. I think, given the circumstances, that it's unreasonable to expect you to take care of anyone or anything but yourself.
The lawn will survive. Eat cereal or sandwiches if you can't cook. Heat up canned soup. Make yourself do it as if you were your own mother.
The rest of reality can wait. (((hugs)))
It sounds to me like YOU need to take care of YOU right now.
Shower. Eat. Count out the cigarettes you're going to smoke today in the morning. Stick to that number. Talk to friends. Get out of the house. Get dressed (not necessarily in that order).
You're talking basic survival right now. Establishing routines for yourself. I think, given the circumstances, that it's unreasonable to expect you to take care of anyone or anything but yourself.
The lawn will survive. Eat cereal or sandwiches if you can't cook. Heat up canned soup. Make yourself do it as if you were your own mother.
The rest of reality can wait. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
TerpGal- I was thinking back to how physically sick I use to be when I was with AH. I was always going to the doctor for some ailment. I was a regular at the pharmacy they knew I was coming.
I was jobless and unemployment was running out.
I didn't mow the yard and didn't know how to.
I was not a handy person what so ever let alone touch dirt.
And the weight omg I can't believe my body ever got so big I am very ashamed.
Fast forward to 8 months now.
I still have my house, I started my own housecleaning business. I have gone from a size 14 to a size 6 and I enjoy yard work now. I am actually building a fire pit in the backyard now.
I stopped blaming AH for what I was promised and didn't get.
I am the happiest and healthiest I have been in 13 years and guess what I did it on my own.
Please know I am in now way trying to brag but I can relate with your story.
I didn't know what I was going to do and I thought life was better off without me.
All my issues are not settled but I do what I am capable of doing.
Working on myself and changing my attitude was a hug step. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I am keeping you in my prayers and hope you can find something to smile about.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
I was jobless and unemployment was running out.
I didn't mow the yard and didn't know how to.
I was not a handy person what so ever let alone touch dirt.
And the weight omg I can't believe my body ever got so big I am very ashamed.
Fast forward to 8 months now.
I still have my house, I started my own housecleaning business. I have gone from a size 14 to a size 6 and I enjoy yard work now. I am actually building a fire pit in the backyard now.
I stopped blaming AH for what I was promised and didn't get.
I am the happiest and healthiest I have been in 13 years and guess what I did it on my own.
Please know I am in now way trying to brag but I can relate with your story.
I didn't know what I was going to do and I thought life was better off without me.
All my issues are not settled but I do what I am capable of doing.
Working on myself and changing my attitude was a hug step. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I am keeping you in my prayers and hope you can find something to smile about.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Years ago when my XAH went to rehab his family just could not believe I was not going. Um...no. I did not go drop him off because I was a mess and needed my own support system. Let go of anyone else's expectations and focus on YOU.
Hugs.
ps. One last thing. When I kicked my X out I hired a handyman. He is the husband of my coworker. We all call him my surrogate husband. Best money I have ever spent, and really it's not a lot. He also has shown me how to do some things for myself which is super great. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Hugs.
ps. One last thing. When I kicked my X out I hired a handyman. He is the husband of my coworker. We all call him my surrogate husband. Best money I have ever spent, and really it's not a lot. He also has shown me how to do some things for myself which is super great. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I posted this story way back when I joined this forum:
Moral of the story: While he is in rehab, do what you need to do for yourself. If you need to reach out for help from friends and family do that. I remember that one of my friends from church came and mowed my lawn--and he was an older, very heavy man. The sweat was pouring off him, and I loved and was grateful for his generosity.
Honestly, do whatever you can to enjoy this time by yourself! I know it seems weird, but you need this time to learn to detach, to know what it is to enjoy your own company, and to be self-reliant.
This is my favorite, and true, story of how I learned I was severely codependent.
It was 1987--I had just recently started Al-Anon, and my AH had come around and decided to go to rehab. He chose one that's about an hour and half from our hometown. I had 4 young children at the time.
The morning I was to drive him to the rehab I ran around feeding and dressing the kids. Then I got them in the car and drove them to their caregivers/school/preschool so I could drive him up there alone. In all that haste, I had just thrown on old dirty clothes from the day before. As he was packing he told me he needed a brush. We only had one. I hadn't combed my own hair yet, but I ran in the bathroom and grabbed the brush and put it in his suitcase. He told me he needed his white shirt ironed.. I ran downstairs and starched and ironed his shirt. I steamed his blazer. I folded the stuff in the dryer that was to be packed.
Then we went on our journey. When we got there, he asked me to go in with him, so of course, I did. We wandered in, not sure where to go next. Finding a nurses station, we said, "We're here to check in." There we were, him standing tall like a peacock, dapper in his fresh pressed shirt and jacket; me, with my old sweats on and my uncombed hair. We gave the nurse our last name. At that, she came around the nurse's station, walked up to me, put her arm around me and said, "Don't worry dear, we'll take good care of you here."
And I thought HE was the sick one!
It was 1987--I had just recently started Al-Anon, and my AH had come around and decided to go to rehab. He chose one that's about an hour and half from our hometown. I had 4 young children at the time.
The morning I was to drive him to the rehab I ran around feeding and dressing the kids. Then I got them in the car and drove them to their caregivers/school/preschool so I could drive him up there alone. In all that haste, I had just thrown on old dirty clothes from the day before. As he was packing he told me he needed a brush. We only had one. I hadn't combed my own hair yet, but I ran in the bathroom and grabbed the brush and put it in his suitcase. He told me he needed his white shirt ironed.. I ran downstairs and starched and ironed his shirt. I steamed his blazer. I folded the stuff in the dryer that was to be packed.
Then we went on our journey. When we got there, he asked me to go in with him, so of course, I did. We wandered in, not sure where to go next. Finding a nurses station, we said, "We're here to check in." There we were, him standing tall like a peacock, dapper in his fresh pressed shirt and jacket; me, with my old sweats on and my uncombed hair. We gave the nurse our last name. At that, she came around the nurse's station, walked up to me, put her arm around me and said, "Don't worry dear, we'll take good care of you here."
And I thought HE was the sick one!
Honestly, do whatever you can to enjoy this time by yourself! I know it seems weird, but you need this time to learn to detach, to know what it is to enjoy your own company, and to be self-reliant.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's definitely time for some SELF CARE dear Terp! you will feel so much better after a shower!!! i know i always do! just go til the water turns cool. then take some time with some lotions or oils and rub your skin nice and soft and smooth. do that one good thing. FOR you.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
My ILs expect me to remain married to him
Doesn't matter what they expect. Or that they want you to take him to re-hab ( it's not 1st grade ) What do you want? I'd start with a shower, some food and then have a think about what you want. xx
Doesn't matter what they expect. Or that they want you to take him to re-hab ( it's not 1st grade ) What do you want? I'd start with a shower, some food and then have a think about what you want. xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear TerpGal, I am glad to hear he is planning on rehab. It is, of course, his decision. If he wants it bad enough, it is his issue to figure out how to get there. It is truly not your responsibility to get him to rehab. I understand where you are. By the time my now RABF went to rehab, I was completely and totally emotionally/physically/spiritually exhausted.
Who is looking after your needs??? It it perfectly fine to put your needs first right now. If you don't want to take him to rehab, that's fine. You don't need anyone's permission to say "No". Your IL's opinions don't really matter, what matters is how YOU feel. Shut out the noise, and take advantage of this time. Find an AlAnon group near you, and start to work on YOUR serenity.
I hope he is successful in his treatment. I hope you are successful in your own recovery.
Who is looking after your needs??? It it perfectly fine to put your needs first right now. If you don't want to take him to rehab, that's fine. You don't need anyone's permission to say "No". Your IL's opinions don't really matter, what matters is how YOU feel. Shut out the noise, and take advantage of this time. Find an AlAnon group near you, and start to work on YOUR serenity.
I hope he is successful in his treatment. I hope you are successful in your own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Hi Terpgal,
After reading your post, I believe that I should suggest something that I learned in my own 12 step recovery work from alcohol. Resentments are the #1 offender. If you can somehow turn your resentment over your AH's rehab into being happy for him, that may have a spiritual effect on you and make things easier in your life. Even though you may feel justified in your resentment of your AH, resentment, unfortunately, only makes us all sicker and unhappier.
After reading your post, I believe that I should suggest something that I learned in my own 12 step recovery work from alcohol. Resentments are the #1 offender. If you can somehow turn your resentment over your AH's rehab into being happy for him, that may have a spiritual effect on you and make things easier in your life. Even though you may feel justified in your resentment of your AH, resentment, unfortunately, only makes us all sicker and unhappier.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 10
So much good advice in here - but I have to say that the thing I thought first was "you are stronger than you think you are!". For real! I think all the time about how weak I am - but no one else sees me that way; it's just the way I see myself. You have done so much already - so GO SHOWER! and be your amazing, strong self everyone here knows you are. Take care of you!!
(((hugs))) to you!!!
Take care of you!!(((hugs))) to you!!!
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