closetcodie

My RAH has invited me to go to therapy with him this week. He says no promises, doesn't know whether he wants the marriage or not, but that therapy would be a start. I am completely open to therapy, as I feel that even if we do divorce it would be beneficial to learn how to get along for our kids sake. We went once before and we had a great therapist. He was impartial and called us both out on our individual faults and issues. He emphasized the positive and seemed to understand RAH's issues with being bipolar, paranoid personality disorder, and drug and alcohol dependent. RAH stopped going, stating that he was being bullied by the counselor. So now, he has a female therapist he has been seeing for a few months and he wants me to go with him to see her. I have asked that we find a neutral therapist that neither of us have an ongoing relationship with, but he refuses. I want to go, but I also know how incredibly manipulative RAH is. I am afraid that he has already manipulated her into seeing his view, that all of our problems are because of me and that it will be an attack session instead of being helpful. When he walked out last week he told me that his therapist has told him that I am toxic and dragging him down and that I have a victims mentality and am mentally unhealthy. I want to go and try to work on things, but I feel like the session he has set up will only make things worse and give him another venue to blame me and manipulate.

biminiblue

Yeah. I would ask for a different therapist, too.

Preferably male. Your RAH won't like that and he won't be able to manipulate a man. That's one of the reasons why sponsors in AlAnon and AA are of the same sex.

SparkleKitty

No amount of therapy will help you if you are uncomfortable with the counselor. Trust your instinct. If he really wants to "make a start" with this, then he won't outright refuse your very reasonable request.

honeypig

Gosh, given that the therapist has only heard HIS side of things for a couple of months, is it really surprising that this is what she thinks? (If he didn't make up the whole thing regarding what she really said to begin with...) I find it very telling that he was unwilling to work with the "neutral" counselor who you say called both of you out on your respective faults and that he claimed he was being "bullied" by him. To me, this sounds as if any counselor who claimed he was less than perfect would likely be accused of "bullying" him.

I agree w/those who say that a fresh start w/a different counselor (and preferably one who specializes in alcoholism and/or addiction work in general) is a very reasonable request.

Then again, you always have the right to simply refuse, especially if you feel that there is no real motivation or honesty on his part to begin with. Why put yourself thru all that if you don't believe he has any desire for recovery to start with? Something to think about before you go any farther.

hopeful4

Has the therapist helped him in recovery? Do you see any positive changes? If so, it may be a good thing to see the current therapist. If you go once and are not comfortable it's no marriage, just find another.

I guess I only say this b/c if the therapist is helping him it may set back his recovery to start anew with someone else. It may also be an option for him to keep seeing his current and using someone else for couples therapy if that is what you decide.

Just some thoughts...good luck no matter what you decide!

XXX

closetcodie

He refuses to speak to me right now, he says until we talk in therapy. I feel absolutely broken at this point and I just don't think I can sit through an hour session of hearing everything that is wrong with me. I have heard how crazy and insane I am from him for so long. The last time we went to therapy together I wanted to work on learning skills for communication and ways to avoid fighting, but all he wanted to do was make the therapist see that I was crazy. He brought up everything that I had done or said that could be deemed as "insane" to tell the therapist. We didn't go anywhere with it and I felt more bitter than when we had started when it was all over with. The more I write, the more I am starting to see that trying to fix anything with him is just beating my head against the wall. He is constantly on the defensive and everything is deemed as an attack against his character. Talking about the marriage is drama according to him and me wanting to discuss issues makes me insane in his book.
I want a different therapist, a male who will be impartial. The soonest we could see someone else is 3 weeks out. So the panic in me is saying that if I have to go 3 weeks without speaking to him, he will definitely start seeing someone else in that time. He has already made a dating site profile and when I confronted him about it he says it is because he needs someone to talk to. Why am I putting myself through this?

biminiblue

You don't feel it's possible to fix it, he makes you feel terrible, he's emotionally abusive.

Why not just cut your losses?

If he finds someone else, then that is what is meant to be.

hopeful4

He has someone to talk to, HIS THERAPIST!!!!

Honey, if he has already set up a dating profile, do you need to go through therapy??

If three weeks is going to break your relationship, it was beyond fixing anyways.

Tight Hugs! I am sorry. I say this gently.

honeypig

In the bolded statements, I see the beginnings of some clarity, CC. You already know his attitude toward things and that he has NO desire to truly "work on things", as long as that means HIM having to do some work too.

You say you fear he'll start seeing someone else if you don't talk to him for 3 weeks. Really? An adult who can't handle some loneliness, some pain and discomfort, for THREE WEEKS? Tell me, CC, how long have YOU been dealing with loneliness, fear and pain?

Please continue reading and posting here. Please do check out Alanon. The walls you've been living behind are starting to crack and you're just beginning to get some light and some air. There is a huge, beautiful, welcoming world out here and you deserve to be in it, not locked into chasing after someone who doesn't sound as if he has any desire to make you a priority in his life.

One of my favorite sayings from Alanon is "Let go or be dragged." You are being dragged, no doubt about it. I hope you can find the support you need and then LET GO. It is so freeing.

Butterfly

Maybe you should go a professional counsellor will not just take his views and that's it. You could use it as an opportunity to tell your rah your side and to call him on what she supposedly said to him. And if she does blame you and not listen to you then you are free to walk out and put in a complaint about her. All counsellors have a regulated body and a code of conduct they are not there to take sides and shouldn't be either!!

One thing is you have to do what is right for you and what you are comfortable with not what he wants!!

ladyscribbler

My last commander in the Army had paranoid personality disorder. It was a nightmare dealing with that for a yearlong deployment, I cannot imagine trying to stay in a marriage with that dynamic. I ended up leaving the military because of it, our job specialty was a very small world, and to me it staying in wasn't worth the possibility of having to deal with her again.
BPD can be managed effectively with medication, alcoholics can work a program and get sober, but there is no real effective treatment or cure for paranoid personality disorder. PPD sufferers are completely incapable of taking responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever their fault and everyone is always out to get them. They truly believe all of this, so to someone who doesn't know better (like this therapist) they can be extremely convincing for a long time. My commander's house of cards didn't collapse until almost the end of the deployment when she got one of our soldiers killed due to her poor leadership. She refused to take responsibility, trying instead to blame me, her subordinate. It didn't work, but it led to the circumstances which made me decide against re enlistment.
Sorry if this is rambling or irrelevant, but I'm not sure if you realize what you're up against here.

closetcodie

I think that if it were just he and I it would be easier at this point to walk. We share 2 kids, a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old. Our 2 yr old is blind and has some major health issues. When RAH is good, he is good. But when he is bad, it is hell on earth. I am terrified of what he would do while alone with our kids while using. I know this is a terrible reason to hold on.

closetcodie

The PPD has been our biggest obstacle. He talks himself into things constantly and I believe that he truly believes them. In my original post I talked about his dad (also PPD) talking him into believing that I was out to harm him and if he didn't kill me first, then I would succeed. He self-medicates with alcohol and drugs and when he is clean, his PPD runs rampant.

Florence

It might. He might also be talking out of his ass. He can't read his therapist's mind -- and most therapists won't take the sick one's POV hook, line, and sinker, because after all he is a bipolar alcoholic with a personality disorder and isn't the most reliable narrator about his own life.

It might be beneficial for him in his therapy for you to attend a session or two -- even to attend alone with her and not with him -- in order for her to get another angle of insight. He will not tell her the whole story. You know that -- the therapist knows it too. This is wayyyyyy common in counseling.

If you're talking about marital counseling, you should really do that separately with a different counselor, and use individual counselors for yourselves. And only give that a go if he's sober and interested in actually working on the marriage and not just holding you hostage to his myriad illnesses.

hopeful4

It sounds to me like you should go to a consult with an attorney who is familiar with the judges in your area and see if it is possible to get supervised only custody. Don't worry, this is not making some huge decision, just giving yourself knowledge. And they are bound by attorney client priv. so your husband will not know you were there.

The year leading up to my split w/my X I visited several different attorneys all who gave me great info.

Good luck and God Bless!

closetcodie

hopeful- I have an attorney. We started to divorce April of 2013 and it was drug on and on by his side. We had zero contact for a year. Then he showed back up and we tried again and the divorce has been sitting there on hold. During the initial divorce proceedings I asked for professionally supervised visitation (his parents are as unhealthy as him and buy him booze and cover up for him. They had also never met our kids.) He fought me because it was an undue financial hardship for him and the judge was leaning on his side. I also asked for SoberLink monitoring and same thing. Judge said it was not necessary. I live in a small, rural area and it is very backwards. It is ok to get drunk and hit your wife here. At one point, I called the police on him after he attacked me while pregnant and the officer who came asked me what I did to deserve it.

BlueChair

I dont think its unusual for his therapist to suggest a session with you, especially if they have been working together for a few months. She may not even have the intent of becoming your long term family therapist. If she is professional and has the right credentials then I think she could do both.

I have met with my husbands doctor several times and it was a little uncomfortable leading up to the first visit because he knew my husband a lot better than he knew me, so I felt like the outsider if it makes sense. But he was very professional, and at the very beginning laid out the road map for us so we both felt comfortable.

Would it be possible for you to call his doctor and share your concerns? You are open to therapy, but dont want it to turn into a blaming session. You want to work on communication, and try to figure out if the relationship has a chance to survive, and work together as parents if not as a couple.

I dont know, my words cant say replicate what your feeling, but if you call in advance, or start off the session in a way thats authentic to you, not defensive, but open then I dont think you will regret trying. If it turns into a negative session, then express your feelings as such, and leave if need be.

Another thing Ive found myself because I have been going to my own counseling (same group as my husband but different doctor). Sometimes I hear one thing, and it takes me a while to get the true meaning. For example, the doctor may have told him he is in a toxic relationship and something needs to change. But without knowing you, I doubt she said you yourself were a toxic person. but when he is angry, in his mind or to validate his feelings he thinks its you, and not maybe the dynamics between you. Depending on where Im at emotionally Ive found I absorb things differently.

whatever you decide, hope it works out.

BlueChair

I think I posted before I saw your most recent. How terrible. I especially cant believe a police officer would say that to you. ((hugs))

dandylion

codiecloset....honestly, I smell manipulation on his part. A guy with a dating profile is not committed to his marriage.

Just because he "invited" you.....doesn't mean that you have any obligation to go.

dandylion

jarp

Could you go see the therapist first on your own....to discuss your fears about what the content of the session will be? And also to share with her what your goals would be for therapy etc?

There's different protocols everywhere but whe I live a persons therapist, once they've established a relationship with one person will not then act as the family or marriage therapist bc of the conflict it creates I the dynamic. If family therapy is required the original therapist refers on for that.