ladyscribbler

My understanding of that phrase is that I do not have to tie my happiness to the actions, choices and behavior of another person. Lots of people come to Alanon or start posting here in order to find a way to make someone else stop drinking, thinking that will somehow make them happy, or pave the way to the life they want to be living.
I was stuck in that place for years, waiting for my ex to get sober so that I could be happy. That was the original reason I started reading here, though I lurked for a good two or three months before I registered. I had also already left my ex for good when I started my recovery on here and in Alanon, once I realized that he was not going to change, and that even if he did, I would still be the same miserable Codie, just living in slightly different circumstances, always waiting for some external factor to make me happy.

fairlyuncertain

It is comforting to hear this from a recovering alcoholic (congratulations on your sobriety!) So many of us live with or interact with active alcoholics, who say the opposite:
-it's not a big deal
-stop overreacting, I wasn't that drunk/didn't mean to push you/say that/cheat/spend my paycheck, etc.
-It's just a beer/coke/weed--I only have a problem with scotch/stress/my job/vodka. Relax!! What's your problem?!!

Al-anon offers education about alcoholism, a safe place to speak, and the support and experience of others who have been there, too. No one ever gave me advice or told me what to do. If the OP is going to meetings that try to tell you what to do, find a different one!

Rosalba

This ^^^. While I am engaging with and embroiled with an alcoholic or other dysfunctional person, it is difficult if not impossible to make rational decisions about whether to leave or stay, confront or let things go etc etc. My experience of Alanon and CoDA is that something has shifted for me on a very fundamental level, and I've been able to make calm, focused decisions to leave bad relationships without experiencing disabling depression or all the other symptoms which feel like substance withdrawal - which kept me locked into relationships with inappropriate partners for years.

To the OP: it takes six weeks to get the hang of a new way of thinking - and that's just the start of it. Some therapy groups request an initial commitment of six weeks before members decide whether they want to stay or not, and it's also been my experience that it's been similar when learning new practical skills. It all seemed very weird at first, and I'm glad I stayed for the six weeks!

I personally wouldn't contemplate staying in a relationship with an alcoholic, but I know fellow Alanon members who do. However, how other people live their lives is their business, just as how I live mine is my business. And I'm always mindful of the slogan "Take what you like, and leave the rest". All members of 12-Step programs are in varying stages of recovery and what fits for them may not fit for you.

fourmaggie

i so believe this!...
enough is enough....I have hit my bottom

yensid

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input on my post. <3

I'm so glad to know that I've been hearing it wrong. But I am reassured here that I have choices.

I've been to 5 different meetings for the last month. The last one didn't sit well with me and I think I'm still holding on to that. I'm so glad to have this forum as an alternative when I can't get to meetings.

Blossom717

One Al-Anon meeting I went to told me that I needed more compassion for my alcoholic. All of them believed in staying with their A (which is their choice, of course).

I don't think I need any more compassion for my ABF than I already have, unless I wanted to loose compassion for myself. I agree, we all have our own tolerance for it and mine is used up!

unsureoffuture

For me it meant I didnt have to feel "stuck" anymore!! It meant I could take back control of my life and live it the way I want, the way I deserve.

For many years I tried to ignore the things that were wrong in my marriage. I tried to ignore my AH was an alcoholic. I tried to mold myself into the person I thought he wanted me to be. It left me sad, lonely and unhappy. I was living for the future.

It meant I could decide how I wanted to live now. I could enjoy life regardless of what he did. I learned I can't change him and I shouldn't be trying to. I recognized that he is not want I want in a marriage or a partner. I accepted reality for what it is and not what it could and most likely never will be.

HopefulinFLA

This statement is read at the beginning of every meeting at the group attend.

What it means to me is that my happiness does not have to depend upon the moods, actions, happiness, or sobriety of another, in fact it shouldn't. I can and do find a way to be happy most days regardless of what my AH is up to. I have this choice.

No one has ever suggested to me that I should be happy with my AH's behavior. His actions and my happiness are 2 separate things. I need to retain my individuality and not become too enmeshed in him, it's important for me to stay emotionally healthy.

It was a very freeing moment for me when I figured this out!