yensid

I keep hearing this in al-anon and reading it.

Why don't I believe it?

How can I be happy never trusting my husband? How can I be happy knowing I can never leave my children with him? How can I ever trust him to drive? How can I be happy never being able to buy a house with him for fear that he will fall off the wagon/go back to pills etc...

I do find some comfort in al-anon when I attend. But most of the time I think these women are feeding me BS.

I've only been at this a month...working on my recovery since I found out about my H's secret drinking. He's been working on his S&R too.

I put a boundary on physical contact almost right away and I have no desire to lift that.

He's everything I ever wanted in a partner. Except he's an alcoholic and addict. He's not physically or verbally abusive. Quite the opposite...very loving with words and touch. He wrecked us financially when he stole thousands of dollars for oxys.

The FOG is setting in about ending the marriage. "Stand by your man" My codie thoughts are setting in again...work in progress...

biminiblue

I left my addict husband 22 years ago.

I never remarried.

I'm not going to lie, there were a few days of loneliness and some fear in those 22 years. There was so much pain in the four years we were together that I would do it exactly the same way again, knowing that I'd never remarry.

I was much lonelier and sadder in the marriage than I've ever once felt since I got out.

dandylion

Yensid---the first time that I ever heard the mantra "You can have serenity whether your husband is drinking or not"......I couldn't understand such a "blanket statement".

I took it to mean that one could find peace and serenity WHILE LIVING WITH THAT PERSON.

I finally figure it out, so to speak...LOL.

For me...I interpret it as: Your husband's alcoholism does not have to rob you of your peace and serenity in life. The other part of that is: You get to make any decision about your relationship that you want/need to. If you want to stay for certain reasons like finance, security, religious belief, etc.--you can; If you want to separate for a period of time to see if he will get sobriety--you can; If you can't tolerate the addiction---you can divorce him, if you wish.
You make the decisions about how you want your life to go. You decide what you want and what you can live with.

Some stay...some go.

For me...I could ever take it. I have never had an alcoholic partner, I will admit.
However, I did divorce my children's father because he was a Narcissist. I couldn't live like that.

dandylion

FireSprite

Everyone has their own threshold for tolerance with this issue obviously, but for me I know that I could never live with active alcoholism again in my household. I don't believe I could tolerate continual relapses either, but I have not been tested in that way.

In recovery when the actions are proving to back up the words these concerns soften a bit, IME. They don't disappear, but the longer we go with fewer old behaviors the closer I get to rebuilding trust. It's a loooooooonnnnnnnggggggg process, for us at least. Many, many lessons learned & relearned, on both sides.

hopeful4

I could not do it. Its not just the using, but the deceit that came with it. I finally realuzed i cabnot do it and dont want to try. A switch flipped and when i was done i knew there was no turning back. There domes a realization that only you can decide what you will do about it. That the focus has to be brought back to you so you can make positive decisions for you and your children. It takes a long time to realize you cannot change another even when you love them so. Its definitely a process. Glad you are here!

Charmed3

I "stood by my man" for a very long time. Left him and came back when he promised he had hit the bottom. It took me a long time to realize that I was starving for those promises but not watching his actions. Left for good the last time.

I heard the slogans and was told many times only you will know when enough is enough. Then one day they finally sunk in to my head. When the pain of staying outweighed the pain of leaving, when he his alcoholism escalated to the point that I was afraid to live in the same home with him, I took that final step.

Itstimenow

I'm new here myself and have been doing a lot of reading. One thing you said sticks with me. "He's everything I wanted in a partner. Except he's an alcoholic and addict." Those are very powerful words. I'm now trying to see if my AH is what I want in a partner when he's sober. Only you will know if it's worth continuing with your marriage or if divorce is the answer. My AH is an emotional degrading man and I'm trying to see if it's him or the alcoholic acting this way to me. From reading every situation is different.

AnvilheadII

He's everything I ever wanted in a partner. Except

then he's not EVERYTHING you want in a partner....you can't compartmentalize the parts you don't like. you either accept it ALL.....or you accept it's not enough. he has made his addiction a priority above his family....financial destruction is no small matter. he's drinking in "secret" which isn't a secret and you've now chosen to withhold any physical contact. you're co-habituating.....you don't trust him, you don't trust him with the care of the children.

what's left?

Santa

Actually the situations are numbingly the same. People post here at different points in their thinking. But alcoholics are alike the world over. Really if you've seen one, you've seen them all.

NWGRITS

Anvil got it right: the sober and the drinking man are the same person. You can't love one but not the other. They are both him. So, you're either all in or you're not. You need to accept all the parts of him in order to say he's everything you want (which is having incredibly low standards). Also, you can't stock your head in the sand when the drinking AH swallows up the sober AH. Because it's going to happen in time if he doesn't choose longterm sobriety and recovery.

healthyagain

What this means for me today is that I can be happy even when he is not. His physical presence and emotional absence do not have to define my mood. Actually, I will not allow his emotions control me. If he is moody, he will be moody to himself. If he is mad, I will not be around him. If he is drunk, I am not around him. If he is upset that I distanced myself from his actions, that is his problem. This is why I am having a good weekend right now, although my husband has completelly ignored me since Thursday. He said that because he wants me off his a**, he would stop drinking completely. And he had nothing for three days. Yay, great for him! Am I happy? Sure. But my happiness has nothing to do with his drinking anymore and that makes me happy!

SeriousKarma

Hi Yensid, could you maybe give a little example, or context as to where/how you heard this said? I've never heard it said in my meetings that we should be "happy with the alcoholic".

Bullfrog

I'm really glad that that started Al Anon after I had already left.

yensid

I hear it in either the welcome or closing message, or both. It doesn't say we should be happy but we can be. Unless I'm hearing it wrong, which is quite possible!

dandylion

Yensid......those who are so happy and serene with their drinking husbands seem to be the ones who have detached to the point that there is very little interplay between the two.

Actually, I have known some couples in my community who live like that....at least for a certain period of time---but, not because of addiction (that I know of). They live completely separate lives, but under the same roof. Sort of like benign roomates....

Personally, I couldn't do it....

dandylion

dandylion

Yensid....I suspect that the words you heard were "peace and serenity" instead of "happy".
Same message, though.......I think......

dandylion

Tansy

For me it was wanting so much more from a relationship than simply sweeping my side of the street and keeping detached ( what's the point?). I wanted a person who could be there for me as much as I was for them, someone I could trust with all my heart, someone who'd never scared me, put me down, hurt me on purpose, who didn't drain all our money on addictions, someone I respected and who I looked forward to coming home from work at night. Someone I wanted to spend time with, cuddle up to in bed and feel safe and loved and warm, have special moments with...who makes me laugh and smile and feel happy inside just from them being with me...that sort of stuff. I knew once that was what I really wanted I couldn't be with exah anymore. I may never get it but I'd rather be alone then live a lie. At least this way I still can dream.

NYCDoglvr

I guess I don't get it; you were told in Alanon you should be happy living with an active alcoholic? Perhaps they mean that if you decide to stay vs leaving you'll have to LEARN to be happy in a dysfunctional relationship. That's not something I would want to learn, I can't change the alcoholic and the only thing I can do to have any kind of life is leave. Hopefully Alanon teaches us how to pick non-alcoholics, people we can trust and respect.
Because without trust and respect I don't think any kind of relationship is possible.

cookiesncream

I'm going to come across pretty harsh here and for that I apologize in advance. My only excuse (and I'm good at them trust me) is that I'm from the other side of the fence so I figure I'm allowed. My s/o started with Al Anon not long after I got sober. I attended a meeting with him the other night to get a healthy dose of face to face realities beyond him from your side.

First, I do not think you or anybody else should be expected to be happy with an alcoholic. You should not be expected to be happy with:
-Financial ruin
-Potentially physical harm (drunk driving, etc) to you or your children
-Endless relapses which make you question your own sanity
-list goes on but these are the biggies.

I realize that I attended a different meeting than you did and much of my experience with Al Anon is lived vicariously, via my s/o. I did not get the impression in the one meeting that the idea was that you should tolerate, or learn to be happy tolerating stuff that even I, an addict, would admit is unacceptable. In my case my s/o laid it out on the line after a drama filled evening that was my last drink, that he would not accept active alcholism in the house, period and I fully believe his boundaries. I think those are reasonable and frankly I think each and every family member of an addict, particularly when there are minor children in the picture, has that right to set that very same line in the sand.

What I feel vicariously from Al-Anon, and am grateful for it frankly, is the shifting of the focus from us and coming to terms with yourself and digging into yourself into your own wants and desires and self examination. We have a friend, longtimer Al-Anoner who is an ACOA that told me he thinks that addictions or no addictions that some of the pieces of Al-Anon would be useful to everyone. I'll candidly admit the whole higher power aspect still eludes me but let that slide, there is much to be gained with fellowship should you feel the connection, with others that are facing the same battles you are.

There are for sure certain hurts that may never be healed, and financial ruin certainly seems like a reasonable one in my book. If you choose to leave I honestly can't say as I blame you and I doubt a lot of die hard Al-Anon'ers would blame you. If you find fellowship however in that company, find support as you figure out what path you want to take, then I think it can be a very useful tool.

I wish you much luck in your own journey wherever it may lead you.

honeypig

Yensid, here's the opening to the Alanon meetings that I've attended:

We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.

Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.

I think this is the part that you are possibly misunderstanding or that is being misrepresented at the meeting: In Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

I don't believe that Alanon says, ANYWHERE or in ANY WAY, that we are to be "happy with our alcoholics" unless that is what we ourselves choose as our path, and yes, that is damn hard to imagine, although some certainly do choose this way...I have never, ever heard it expressed that the purpose of Alanon is to keep us tied to our A's.

I do know that, when I first began Alanon, I certainly read that particular statement differently than I do today. My understanding of hope, contentment and happiness is far different and deeper than it was in March of 2013.