misspriss

Hi to everyone in SR world....

I'm a longtime lurker and not a poster. I have however gained insight and knowledge from what so many of you post since I discovered this site. I have just finally hit a wall with my own personal recovery and I'm unsure how to make it better.

A little backstory. My exRAH and I would have been married 10 years in June. I thought he was the man of my dreams. There were so many red flags and times that I should have just turned and run but I (like so many of you) didn't. He was just so sad and broken and needed someone to believe in him. And so sweet. So I chased him till I caught him. And married him.

I won't bore you with all the details of the marriage. Of the drinking or the "friendships" I chose to overlook or the loneliness. His drinking got worse after the birth of our precious daughter and he spiraled out of control. I told him to get it together or get out. He chose to get sober. I thought this would make everything better. It didn't. On paper, it was the perfect life. Two happy people with good jobs and a beautiful baby. We bought a house and the next month he told me he wasn't happy. I tried to work on it but he just quit. He didn't want to be the bad guy and leave me and his toddler, so I finally had to ask him to go because I couldn't stand it anymore. I was so tired of being stressed out and wondering where he was and crying all the time. And I didn't want my daughter to think this is what love and marriage was supposed to be like. I just wanted to be happy.

I can't begin to explain how much better I felt after he was gone. Living without him has been so much easier than I ever thought it would be. But, I gave it over to God early on because I knew I couldn't handle it on my own. I have been working on me for quite sometime now and my child is my life. I feel more like myself than I have in years. What I'm struggling with is how to get over the guilt. I'm moving on with my life. I've reconnected with a guy I dated while I was in college. He loves me and my child. He is wonderful and is offering me the life that I always thought that I would have. But somedays I feel so guilty for being happy and for making plans for my future. My exRAH likes to act like he's miserable. I don't really think that he is and I know he was out there living his life while I was sitting around waiting on him. I don't know how to get over this. Any advice would be welcome. I know that his issues aren't my fault. I didn't cause them and I can't fix them. But I'm having a hard time with the guilt of being happy. And it makes no sense to all the normal people in my life. They all just kinda want to hit my ex with a shovel for being an idiot. I just feel bad for him. But anywho, now I'm just rambling. Thanks in advance.

desypete

my only experience with new relationships is that, they all seem to be wonderful at the start, and that trying to live with someone new is hard to accept,
for some reason in a relationship i still want to try to control them or i have huge expectations of them being this wonderful new start for me that i set them impossible targets for them to reach and as they dont live up to what i expect well then i start to feel its a mistake or whatever.

every new relationship has taught me somthing about me and i couldnt learn any other way other than going into the relationship and finding out that i am not easy to live with despite all my best intentions

i am just wondering if your scared of this new relationship hence your thinking of your ex as you knew warts and all about your ex and your getting to know your new man is it scaring you ?

misspriss

It maybe that this new relationship scares me... idk. Or that losing the one I had is just bothering me. Either way, it worries me. lol

Hawkeye13

What's the rush?

You can date this new person and move at a gentle pace until you are ready.

Maybe a short course of therapy would be helpful to process the guilt / pain around ExAH

You have nothing to feel guilty about in that he choose alcohol over his family as many do. Sounds like you get that. You are moving on in a healthy way.

But sometimes our heart needs a little time to catch up with our head.

Refiner

I think I see where you're coming from. You have lived so long being miserable that is what you've identified with for so long that you feel guilty at how easy and fast you've become happy? And that you feel guilty for being being able to do so when your ex is still stuck in Misery Land? If that's it, I think that's a codependency issue but others can chime in on their thoughts on that.

dandylion

misspriss.....something that you wrote in your post jumped out and caught my attention:

"HE IS WONDERFUL AND IS OFFERING ME THE LIFE I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE"

The relationship is still early (even if you did date in college).
I suggest that Hawkeye gave good advice---go very slow...it takes a LONG TIME to really get to know another person.

The fact that you are feeling conflicted inside--even at this early stage, suggests that you have issues within yourself to be resolved.

Seeing a relationship therapist to get to the bottom of what makes you tick would be very prudent in my view.

Have you read "Co-dependent No More"? If not--I think this might be a good starting place. Check it out.......

dandylion

misspriss

I think that Refiner may have hit the nail on the head. So I'm going to try to take care of me and not let this new relationship rush me. I think that may be freaking me out a little bit. I have read "Co-dependent No More" and have had some therapy but I guess some of those behaviors are just harder to lose. No matter how much you work on you. lol Thanks to all of you.