Ursula745

Seems to me that he's a duck. He hasn't even finished detox and already wants to come home? And, he wants to talk to you in person to manipulate you into letting him?

Regardless of what you decide, you will not be giving him a chance at recovery, as he will make his own chance if he wants it, no matter where he goes after this. If you want to be apart and that is what's best for you and kids, then that is what's best. He can decide his own fate, and being away from you will hurt his recovery if HE lets it.

Sounds like a load of hot steaming crap to me.

Ursula745

I can also tell you that I will never visit someone in detox again. Too volatile and manipulative for me. The worst day of my life...sure you're up for that? You don't have to.

jarp

I have a horrible suspicion that he has been thinking that if he does detox he can come home. I've never said that and his sister and one of his very bets friends who is a RA has also said the same to him.

I'm very anxious, about going in. He rang to ask me for insurance details before and has said he is also anxious about me coming in there...says its not a nice place to be. He's organised the doctor to call me this afternoon to discuss things from a treatment perspective and has asked the dr to be totally 'candid' with me (Australia has very strict laws about this that requires explicit permissions about what medical personnel can share).

I'm probably quacking myself here....but that is vaguely positive isn't it?

I'm not replacing words with the need for action, and I'm sure I am making BTDT's roll their eyes.....but this is new for me, as I've said he's never given me any reason to have any hope at all....always been clear that he's not interested in recovery. So the fact that he says he is now....is....new.

MAGW

Jarp I don't have a lot of experience with this so may be naive and just plain wrong, but to answer your question, I would agree, new behavior would be a reason for hope.

You sound clear on your boundaries, so you just have to hold tight and remind yourself of those while you are in the process of discovering if he is indeed in a new place or not.

I was thinking today some alcoholics do become sober, and for most I would imagine it's not right after their first try. So maybe this is what he needed. I am not clear on the details but it sounds like you maybe for the first time drew a line in the sand for you and your child, so maybe that is what made him choose to change his own life. You don't know yet. But if your marriage is still worth fighting for, you can have an open mind to figure out where he is, while still maintaining your boundaries and being on high alert for a long time.

Also I have read that by giving him this last chance, he may have 'earned' through new behavior, if he is not committed you will be able to walk away without any doubts, as after this step, personally I don't think there would be reason to do multiple chances at recovery, the first time detox could be reason, but after that nothing left to try.

In respect to your initial question, it sounds like your intuition is telling you it is worth the conversation with him, but I think people here are right on that he should either stay or find a new inpatient program or at least have a plan like some have outlined. If you go in convicted, you'll stick to your guns and what is right for you.

We will all be thinking of you for that meeting!!

allforcnm

Ive went through detox and rehab with my husband; drugs and not alcohol but from what Im reading here... at this point Im not sure what more you can expect from him. He is in detox, not complaining about being there and plans to see it out. He has authorized his doctor to talk to you in full, and wants your input on next steps. (nothing wrong with this BTW). in addition it sounds like hes working with the physicians there to help him determine next steps. This all sounds positive to me.

I would be cautious of doing too much analysis of his words and comparing to others on the forum at this point .You know he said these 5 words in this 10 minute conversation what does it mean... theres no set attitude, or words at this point that will determine the future IMO. My husband was complaining for weeks, threatened to leave a couple times, worried about little things... I could make a list those first few weeks in particular...detox and rehab... time will really tell.

Just decide if you want to support him, and if your own emotions are in question (your ability to cope) then I suggest working with a therapist, and also joint therapy with your husband when the professionals say its appropriate. We started around 6 weeks and it made a huge difference for us.

Having family support is very important for some people in recovery. I don't know your husband, or your exact situation although I went back and read your threads.... just know there's no prize in it for him or you by going it alone... the end result is what matters. Recovery doesn't have to be a negative experience. It will be hard at times, but it can also be a wonderful time of personal growth, and it can help reformulate your relationship so its stronger and more fulfilling. Start paying attention to your attitude right now is my suggestion...if you go in being paranoid he is trying to manipulate you etc then you will probably see manipulation... if you go in with hope for the future then you will see hope. A lot of it is our state of mind.

redatlanta

I think its positive only if its sincere. Otherwise its just words. And no one knows if it is or not. I am suspect of it because of the aforementioned red flags.

I don't think someone goes from a lifestyle of lying an manipulation to not in 5 days. He hasn't entered a recovery program yet so I kind of understand that but…………..

I dunno. I suppose I have formed an opinion of what I think someone who wants to do right looks like and its not this. After putting us through hell I am particularly sensitive to asking for more or stating contingencies of things we need to do to make it ok for THEM. When I read back over what you have been through, what others have, and what I have it just makes me mad that there is seemingly no end to what THEY need. The action I would want to see is acknowledgement of what they have done and to humble themselves to say 'I am not going to hurt my family more by making requirements on them after all I have put them through". i don't think someone needs to be recovered to realize that - they just need to be sober and see what they have done.

Just my .02 opinion.

queenapple

Five days is nothing. My RAH ( now living separately) has been sober for 60 days, attending four meetings a week and really working a program. He is just NOW beginning to express and I think have a dim understanding of the harm he's caused.

When he gets to the point where he says the harm he's caused is so deep that the best thing he can do for us is NEVER come home and never put any of us through all this stuff again, then I will feel like he truly "gets" it.

And even if he ever reaches that point, I still don't know if I have any intention of letting him move back.

hopeful4

Jarp, someone else said he most likely means it at this point. I am sure that is true. As you said, he says it's not a nice place to be. There are people there who are much worse off (there always are). So right now his resolve is quite strong right now. The issue will be, how strong will it be if he is right back into the same environment?!

Let his actions speak

Hawkeye13

Good luck with your meeting jarp--we are pulling for you

Thumper

"A goal is not a plan, hope is not a strategy." << Wise words I learned from SR.

Also remember that we, the home we provide, the support we have offered for how many years, all of it - it does not make any difference to sobriety. If it did we'd all have sober spouses. The best thing we can do is become the healthiest person we possible can and create the healthiest environment we possibly can.

That is to remind you to keep listening to *your* inner voice because his voice is going to get very loud. Also keep in mind that he has an inner voice too - and right now it is the voice of addiction. Detox isn't going to change that. That doesn't mean that he isn't on the path to a true recovery as we speak - it is to mean that today he is an active addict with a few sober days. The only way you will know what he will be tomorrow is to wait and see.