yensid

Blossom, the amount of courage to make those first demands of space and time is enormous. I know, I have done it with this AH and my XH (I'm a friggin mess lol). The feeling in your gut, the nausea will overwhelm you and leave you shaking. But you need to do this for YOU!

I'm in the process of building up the courage to make the next step and end my marriage because deep down I believe that is the right thing for my happiness. I've done it once before but it doesn't make it any easier.

I am in your corner, girl. This process sucks. {hugs}

BTW, my AH still tells me he loves me every day before bed and he did it when he left yesterday for his meeting.

dandylion

Blossom....thinking about the beach house....going on vacation is a big trigger for most alcoholics..esp. those who are so newly sober. Since the others will be drinking, also it might be a time that the alcoholic will pull the classic "trick"----starting a fight so that YOU can be blamed for it--so they can then drink with a good excuse.

It is always good to have a plan B or a PLan C,,,just in case of emergency.
Didn't he cause the last disruption at a social event.......?

Better safe than sorry.

dandylion

Blossom717

dandylion - Apparently the last disruption was my fault. His AB just called and told me that he didn't want me to go but ABF had the right to take our daughter out of state to the beach, I told him absolutely not. Then he tried to guilt trip me about not being able to help more with bills. I told him no offense, but its absolutely none of his business. He insisted that it was. I got too emotional, and I'm at work.

I'm so embarrassed.

isitme

Ummm.. the Brother said that? I'm assuming that's what AB means? I thought he was mad about this accusation as well? Me, no likey.. me no likey at all. I don't feel good about this one Blossom.

ladyscribbler

Big hugs Blossom. Nothing worse that the alcoholic/codependent family tag team going after you. Can you do a few days of no contact with these people? It really isn't any of their business, you are 100% right about that. They are just a bucket of crabs trying to pull you back down into their crazy world. So sorry you're being subjected to this manipulation and emotional blackmail.

CodeJob

Hello Blossom.

Just thinking about you today. Hugs. You don't have to have the answer or long term solution today.

Florence

Whaaaaaaat? Okay, real talk. Consult a lawyer on the details in your state. But if you aren't married and have no legal visitation agreement? Listen to absolutely nothing anyone has to say about his rights, because his are few and they are fungible and these folks are intimidating you and talking out of their blowholes. An active addict doesn't get 100% of their rights to their minor children anyway if the court is involved.

I hope you're taking notes for future court dates. All this will come in handy later.

It's none of his business. Next time, say, "I'm sorry Alcoholic Brother, but this is none of your business. Thanks!" AND HANG UP THE PHONE/walk out of the room/change the subject/whatever. You can repeat this indefinitely. If they are unable to respect your boundaries, you should consider going no contact for days, weeks, or months at a time.

Big hugs. This is the FOG. This is emotional blackmail. It's all there: fear, obligation, guilt. The implicit threats. Whew.

You don't have to have any answers today. Do something nice for yourself. Play with your sweet daughter, find something joyful.

FireSprite

I think the amount of time & energy they are spending putting pressure on YOU vs. educating themselves & treating the REAL problem speaks for itself Blossom.

You are SURROUNDED by Quackers my friend, it sounds like an absolute mine field to try to navigate honestly. Do not for one second believe that any of them are coming from a healthy POV with you & your daughter's best interests in mind. (((((hugs)))))

Blossom717

I don't even think ABF knew what his brother was going to call and do that. How do they know how to manipulate so much?

I will do the "I'm sorry, this is none of you business" and walk away/hang up next time. that sounds a lot better than what I said...

biminiblue

If I were planning a week with this family in another state, I would take my own vehicle and a couple hundred dollars to stay in a hotel if a late night family drunk party caused me to feel a need to flee.

Then I would go home, no matter if I had been there twenty minutes or five days.

The week at the beach sounds like anything but relaxing and fun. Sounds like a "gang up on Blossom while drinking all the drinks" event.

Your daughter would be better off with a couple hours of a party at your mom's. She doesn't even understand birthday parties yet. It could be on any day - doesn't have to be her actual birthday. There would be no alcohol.

dandylion

OH, Blossom....it sounds like the beach vacation has all the ingredients for disaster. I agree that you should have escape plan A, B and C.

It appears that they do not have healthy boundaries as a family and that drinking is a big focus for them. Naturally, they are all going to stick together. Expect it.

The only way not to be sucked into their dysfunction is to back away from it. Detachment. Distance.

Your daughter does n ot benefit from this crap.

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Are you sure you want to move back in right now?

This sounds very stressful and messy.