amy55

I can actually explain this one. My ex told his therapist that it just makes him mad if I am upset, and he needs to attack me, because I am making him feel bad about himself, because I am upset with him.

SallyTaylor

My ex probably plays with yours on the schoolyard after he is done laying down in the closet following his drinking episodes (no joke - after he would come home from the bar after an argument he would prefer to lie on the floor and sleep in the closet rather than the bed)

HOw much better do you feel now that you are away from it? How long did it take you to feel like yourself again? Are you in complete no contact with him?

HOpe these questions aren't too personal:-)

amy55

No questions are too personal for me. I have been out since 12/2008. Perhaps it even took till after my divorce in 12/2010 to start to work through things. I was married for 27 1/2 years.

I was finally doing good, and getting myself back, and now I am involved again, because of splitting a pension plan. He will totally ignore me, and my lawyers and run up bills, and I don't know why.

I don't know if it is because he just wants to erase me from his mind like I never existed, or if he is just trying to win, thinking I will back down because of the lawyer expense. Joke is on him this time. Everything is in the divorce decree. I somewhat fired my lawyer, I did talk to her about this, said I can send out my own letters to his attorney that he will ignore, and he can pay the legal fees. I will wait till I can take him back to court for contempt, and also ask that he pay my legal bills.

amy55

Oh, and mine used to hide from me, and sleep under his desk at work (lol)

amy55

I wanted to answer another question that you might have. How could I have done this for so long? You see, we lived with my mother for the first 10 years of our marriage. We had our own space except to watch tv and the kitchen. This is where we spent most of our time. They are smart, they do know what is acceptable and what is not. They can put on a "mask", but not for too long. That's why most people don't see this. It's more like an emotional relationship thing. They want to be close, but they fear abandonment, so they will abandon you before you abandon them, and most of this is all in their own mind.

My family loved him, when I was alone with him I would feel things weren't right, and I thought it was all me, because why would everyone else love him so much?

Just a little food for thought.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

SallyTaylor

It's amazing the antics that can occur. It sounds like he is playing the passive aggressive game of not responding. Mine does that a lot. I guess this is where the Al Anon guidance of accepting that we can't control someone else's behavior helps, whether that behavior is triggered by alcohol or just being a jerk. I attended a few CoDA meetings which I liked better than the AlAnon meetings as I felt that CoDA allowed me to focus more on myself whereas with AlAnon I still focused a lot on him. But I think the teachings from both groups helps with the crazy-making behavior regardless of the cause.

Thank you for sharing your story tonight. It really helped so much. Now I'm off to bed and feeling much better :-)

SallyTaylor

exactly - I keep thinking something is wrong with me. (don't get me wrong - I have my problems too - but I don't recall ever living this way/ thinking this way before in my life)

amy55

Sally, you are going to do OK. Just remember that we are here and we care. Now you go to sleep and know that you found people that know what you are going through, and that you are not crazy. Sleep well.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) and here for you

CodeJob

Below is a wheel that helped me sort of visually see abuse, SallyT,

http://www.lessonsfromliterature.org...trol_Wheel.pdf

I also am fond of out of the fog.net website for it has a good review of personality disorders.

There is some stuff here on SR too!

Amy has some very wise comments here.

Eddiebuckle

As someone who used to be the active alcoholic in a disintegrating relationship, this is my take:

He was drunk, lonely, angry and wanting to get some response from you. I know I had some insane perspectives on love and relationships in the wee hours after a long night of drinking.

So long as he is drinking, that will remain his first priority. Whatever emotional solace he can manage on top of it is gravy. This is not necessarily a conscious thought or some evil plan, it's just how an active alcoholic processes emotions: sporadically and without any sense of reciprocity. There may be true and honest emotions underlying the sentiments expressed, but so long as he is drinking there is little or no ability to back the sentiment with actions.

As they say in Texas: all hat, no cattle.

queenapple

I feel like the worst of the pain of separation has passed but then when he says the "I love you" and "I miss you" it makes me wonder if there is a way to make this relationship actually work.

I think this sentiment in nearly everyone here's post at one time or another, including my own. We give up our feelings of resolve and good decisions to stay strong and stand our ground so easily --- for crumbs. One little "I love you" in a text is enough to make us question our choice to leave. It's mind-boggling how the As in our lives can control us so effortlessly.

This seems like the crux of co-dependence in our lives-- that we're so easily swayed and people-pleasing that the slightest hint of hope has us dropping our defenses and considering running back into a situation we fought so hard to leave. This isn't aimed at you, Sally -- it's actually aimed at me. One nice dinner with RAH and I'm reconsidering my hard-won decision to stay permanently separated from him. Crumbs.

I want to start looking for a loaf of bread rather than settling for crumbs -- and I know I won't find it in the hardware store, either.

SallyTaylor

Eddie - this helps so much to hear from someone who used to be there. It actually fits with something my therapist said today. I started with a new one to help me manage my anxiety/obsessive thoughts and it turns out in addition to general psych issues he specializes in alcoholism. And while he has not met my spouse he has responded to my anecdotes by stating that it definitely sounds like alcohol abuse. But what struck me was when he said "if you go to an AA meeting and ask anyone there if they were able to have a healthy relationship while they were drinking no hand would be raised." Your comments really give perspective on how tough a fight this is, in a world where 50% of marriages crumble even under non-alcoholic conditions.

And, CONGRATS on your continued sobriety.

Queenapple - it does feel like crumbs, and we deserve more. I think what makes us so sad is the hope that they eventually can give us more. And we keep banging our heads over and over when they can't.