So that was akward....
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So that was akward....
Hello SR friends. I just thought I would give a quick update.
My life is plugging along. XAH is seeing someone which is completely fine w/me as long as he keeps her away from my kids, they have made that really clear, they are not interested in meeting a new fling at this time. I don't say anything at all.
I just do my thing with them and am living my life. Last night I took my girls and their friend to dinner. It's a bar and grill type place. We were sitting near the door, my back to the door. Well, in walks my X with his girlfriend. Instead of doing what he should have, which was either sit down then come speak to his children, or leave, he made the decision to try to rush past so they would not see them, which pi$$ed my kids off. I did not even know he was there at this point.
There is a wall that divides the bar area where he was sitting from where I was sitting. My little DD goes over and peeks over the wall and says, "Hey there Dad!" He talks to her a bit and she sits back down. He then comes over and talks to us for a bit. My older DD is still ticked, so when we are leaving she goes over to the table and talks to him a bit. Then she points to the girl-friend and says, "Well, who is this dad?" He stammers around and introduces them. Low and behold, her name is the same as mine, which is Nikki but I spell it differently. DD says what a coincidence, that's my moms name!
Anyways, it did not really affect me in that I truly have no feelings for him. I know he is not a person who will ever be alone, I am sure he will remarry w/in the next year or so. My kids say she must be his in town girlfriend b/c he talks to someone else who lives states away too.
I think that is the part that frustrates me. I don't think my kids need to know about all of this. It's their own fault, they would get on his phone and read his messages. I told them not to do that but I cannot control what they do. I told him they do it. If he is not smart enough to put a password on his phone it's his own fault. My little DD did not say much. Older DD went home and got on the girlfriends FB page, of course there are pics of her and my X on there. I think she was just curious about her.
It was just really akward. This is a family type of establishment. I knew half of the people in there and many of them most likely did not even know we are separated, so it was weird. Many go to our church, and we still all sit together at church for our kids. I dunno, just strange, strange, strange.
Thanks for letting me ramble on. I know there are many really struggling on the board right now, my prayers are with you and your families.
My life is plugging along. XAH is seeing someone which is completely fine w/me as long as he keeps her away from my kids, they have made that really clear, they are not interested in meeting a new fling at this time. I don't say anything at all.
I just do my thing with them and am living my life. Last night I took my girls and their friend to dinner. It's a bar and grill type place. We were sitting near the door, my back to the door. Well, in walks my X with his girlfriend. Instead of doing what he should have, which was either sit down then come speak to his children, or leave, he made the decision to try to rush past so they would not see them, which pi$$ed my kids off. I did not even know he was there at this point.
There is a wall that divides the bar area where he was sitting from where I was sitting. My little DD goes over and peeks over the wall and says, "Hey there Dad!" He talks to her a bit and she sits back down. He then comes over and talks to us for a bit. My older DD is still ticked, so when we are leaving she goes over to the table and talks to him a bit. Then she points to the girl-friend and says, "Well, who is this dad?" He stammers around and introduces them. Low and behold, her name is the same as mine, which is Nikki but I spell it differently. DD says what a coincidence, that's my moms name!
Anyways, it did not really affect me in that I truly have no feelings for him. I know he is not a person who will ever be alone, I am sure he will remarry w/in the next year or so. My kids say she must be his in town girlfriend b/c he talks to someone else who lives states away too.
I think that is the part that frustrates me. I don't think my kids need to know about all of this. It's their own fault, they would get on his phone and read his messages. I told them not to do that but I cannot control what they do. I told him they do it. If he is not smart enough to put a password on his phone it's his own fault. My little DD did not say much. Older DD went home and got on the girlfriends FB page, of course there are pics of her and my X on there. I think she was just curious about her.
It was just really akward. This is a family type of establishment. I knew half of the people in there and many of them most likely did not even know we are separated, so it was weird. Many go to our church, and we still all sit together at church for our kids. I dunno, just strange, strange, strange.
Thanks for letting me ramble on. I know there are many really struggling on the board right now, my prayers are with you and your families.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
It was just really akward. This is a family type of establishment. I knew half of the people in there and many of them most likely did not even know we are separated, so it was weird. Many go to our church, and we still all sit together at church for our kids. I dunno, just strange, strange, strange.
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Wow. What an awkward situation. I can only imagine.
My ex accuses me of having turned the children against him. Even our custody judge told him that "I doubt that you need any help in alienating your children, Mr. X" It's situations like the one you described that makes it obvious to your children how dysfunctional their father is. It's painful and difficult for them to deal with -- my (new sane) husband talks about it as "the children out-maturing their parent" and how it's difficult because they still want their father to be a parent, and yet, he's not behaving like one.
I'm glad the kids have you as a firm anchor in their lives.
My ex accuses me of having turned the children against him. Even our custody judge told him that "I doubt that you need any help in alienating your children, Mr. X" It's situations like the one you described that makes it obvious to your children how dysfunctional their father is. It's painful and difficult for them to deal with -- my (new sane) husband talks about it as "the children out-maturing their parent" and how it's difficult because they still want their father to be a parent, and yet, he's not behaving like one.
I'm glad the kids have you as a firm anchor in their lives.
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Oh, dudewoman, how... just..... icky. Tacky, gross, uncomfortable. The fact that he's moving so quickly into another relationship BEFORE mending fences with his DD's speaks for itself, doesn't it?
I'm so sorry for you girls to have to be disrespected like that, but WOW do your girls continue to blow me away with their groundedness (yes, I like making up my own words) & ability to communicate their frustrations pretty well. I know it's not perfect & they still struggle but they manage themselves really well considering. Great job, Mama!
I'm so sorry for you girls to have to be disrespected like that, but WOW do your girls continue to blow me away with their groundedness (yes, I like making up my own words) & ability to communicate their frustrations pretty well. I know it's not perfect & they still struggle but they manage themselves really well considering. Great job, Mama!
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Thanks guys.
You have hit the nail on the head here. My 8 yr old is way more mature than my X. He is dysfunctional and they know it, and that makes me hurt for them. They spend time with him when they have to, because they know they have to. I know he loves them as much as he can love anyone that is not himself, but I don't really think he knows how to love anyone or anything. My kids know this and lets face it, I can leave that behind, but they cannot.
You have hit the nail on the head here. My 8 yr old is way more mature than my X. He is dysfunctional and they know it, and that makes me hurt for them. They spend time with him when they have to, because they know they have to. I know he loves them as much as he can love anyone that is not himself, but I don't really think he knows how to love anyone or anything. My kids know this and lets face it, I can leave that behind, but they cannot.
Originally Posted by lillamy
Wow. What an awkward situation. I can only imagine.
My ex accuses me of having turned the children against him. Even our custody judge told him that "I doubt that you need any help in alienating your children, Mr. X" It's situations like the one you described that makes it obvious to your children how dysfunctional their father is. It's painful and difficult for them to deal with -- my (new sane) husband talks about it as "the children out-maturing their parent" and how it's difficult because they still want their father to be a parent, and yet, he's not behaving like one.
I'm glad the kids have you as a firm anchor in their lives.
My ex accuses me of having turned the children against him. Even our custody judge told him that "I doubt that you need any help in alienating your children, Mr. X" It's situations like the one you described that makes it obvious to your children how dysfunctional their father is. It's painful and difficult for them to deal with -- my (new sane) husband talks about it as "the children out-maturing their parent" and how it's difficult because they still want their father to be a parent, and yet, he's not behaving like one.
I'm glad the kids have you as a firm anchor in their lives.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Thanks guys.
You have hit the nail on the head here. My 8 yr old is way more mature than my X. He is dysfunctional and they know it, and that makes me hurt for them. They spend time with him when they have to, because they know they have to. I know he loves them as much as he can love anyone that is not himself, but I don't really think he knows how to love anyone or anything. My kids know this and lets face it, I can leave that behind, but they cannot.
You have hit the nail on the head here. My 8 yr old is way more mature than my X. He is dysfunctional and they know it, and that makes me hurt for them. They spend time with him when they have to, because they know they have to. I know he loves them as much as he can love anyone that is not himself, but I don't really think he knows how to love anyone or anything. My kids know this and lets face it, I can leave that behind, but they cannot.
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My 8 yr old is way more mature than my X. He is dysfunctional and they know it, and that makes me hurt for them.
They have seen garbage that most kids, thank God, don't. They are aware that when people act weird, there's usually an explanation. But they don't accept excuses. I had a run-in with a coworker who was rude and when my kids overheard me telling my husband about it, they were outraged. I said "well, his wife has cancer and he was just diagnosed with a debilitating disease" -- and they both said, in chorus "that's an explanation, but it's not an excuse for behaving like a jerk. Everyone has problems. Yet everyone is somehow not a jerk."
I've had so many sleepless nights over their relationship with their father. My therapist once told me to remember that I have no power over how he acts. The best thing I could do, she said, was to create a healthy, safe home for them where they feel loved and where life is predictable.
She had a lovely but sad story about a group of siblings she had in counseling -- four of them, age 7 and under (I think). Both parents were addicts and she was more or less expecting a group of wild animals in her office. She was surprised to find that they were polite, well-spoken, and listened to her. So she asked them how they had learned all that, and the oldest one said "We watch the Cosby show every time it's on. We want to be like those kids. We want our family to be like the Cosby family."
So, she said, even a TV-family that's healthy can make a bigger impression on kids than a dysfunctional family at home. Kids want healthy. They want structure. They will always prefer the healthy to the dysfunctional, in whichever form it comes.
And that's what I meant with your kids are blessed or lucky to have a solid anchor in you. It hurts to see them try with their father. It hurts to see them give up on him. But they will be OK in the end, because of the healthy, solid home you are providing them with.
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The other day my STBXAH came over to watch one of the World Cup matches. He doesn't hang out here. In fact this was kind of a big deal. The World Cup was an opportunity for him and our 17yr old daughter to bridge, at least in some part, that huge ocean of dysfunction that he's created with his drinking and infidelities.
She happened to be outside when he arrived. He was being dropped off by his latest "soulmate". A woman with whom he's now living. Not only is he still married, but he moved in with this woman within months of breaking dumped by his [I]other[I] soulmate. My husband collect One True Love's the way some people collect Hummel figurines.
Anyway, He awkwardly introduced my daughter to his loser girlfriend (Yeah. I said it.), and he and my daughter came inside. They didn't talk much during the game. I just though she was being rude because she had a friend over, and therefore didn't want to be downstairs with us. In fact she was really upset. Later I asked her what she thought would be appropriate for him, regarding dating. She said, "Get divorced and get sober, and then find a nice lady. In that order."
What never ceases to stun me is how, although he says she's the most important thing in his life and he wants a relationship with her, when she cracks the door open for him, he slams it closed and nails it shut. This has happened so many times. She decides to let him back in, and he does something stupid.
Though I have to say, she really is growing beautifully in her understanding of what he is and isn't capable of. Her expectations aren't nearly as high, and therefore her lows aren't nearly as low as they use to be. She's learning to accept that he loves her to the best of his ability. That counts for something, I guess.
She happened to be outside when he arrived. He was being dropped off by his latest "soulmate". A woman with whom he's now living. Not only is he still married, but he moved in with this woman within months of breaking dumped by his [I]other[I] soulmate. My husband collect One True Love's the way some people collect Hummel figurines.
Anyway, He awkwardly introduced my daughter to his loser girlfriend (Yeah. I said it.), and he and my daughter came inside. They didn't talk much during the game. I just though she was being rude because she had a friend over, and therefore didn't want to be downstairs with us. In fact she was really upset. Later I asked her what she thought would be appropriate for him, regarding dating. She said, "Get divorced and get sober, and then find a nice lady. In that order."
What never ceases to stun me is how, although he says she's the most important thing in his life and he wants a relationship with her, when she cracks the door open for him, he slams it closed and nails it shut. This has happened so many times. She decides to let him back in, and he does something stupid.
Though I have to say, she really is growing beautifully in her understanding of what he is and isn't capable of. Her expectations aren't nearly as high, and therefore her lows aren't nearly as low as they use to be. She's learning to accept that he loves her to the best of his ability. That counts for something, I guess.
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I feel for you. I am dreading that awkward moment when me or my STBXAH date again. I feel the same as you do, I have no feelings for my ex anymore so its not a jealousy thing, just an awkward thing.
There has been so much change recently for your girls. The separation and pending divorce etc. In my opinion, it's best not to confuse them by introducing any new people unless things are serious. Perhaps you could speak with your ExAH about keeping his dating life private from the girls. It sounds like he may need to have talk with your oldest about things. They are still adjusting to you both not being together. The last thing they need is more pain. Especially one with the same name which screams "mommy replacement" to them.
There has been so much change recently for your girls. The separation and pending divorce etc. In my opinion, it's best not to confuse them by introducing any new people unless things are serious. Perhaps you could speak with your ExAH about keeping his dating life private from the girls. It sounds like he may need to have talk with your oldest about things. They are still adjusting to you both not being together. The last thing they need is more pain. Especially one with the same name which screams "mommy replacement" to them.
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma
The other day my STBXAH came over to watch one of the World Cup matches. He doesn't hang out here. In fact this was kind of a big deal. The World Cup was an opportunity for him and our 17yr old daughter to bridge, at least in some part, that huge ocean of dysfunction that he's created with his drinking and infidelities.
She happened to be outside when he arrived. He was being dropped off by his latest "soulmate". A woman with whom he's now living. Not only is he still married, but he moved in with this woman within months of breaking dumped by his [I]other[I] soulmate. My husband collect One True Love's the way some people collect Hummel figurines.
Anyway, He awkwardly introduced my daughter to his loser girlfriend (Yeah. I said it.), and he and my daughter came inside. They didn't talk much during the game. I just though she was being rude because she had a friend over, and therefore didn't want to be downstairs with us. In fact she was really upset. Later I asked her what she thought would be appropriate for him, regarding dating. She said, "Get divorced and get sober, and then find a nice lady. In that order."
What never ceases to stun me is how, although he says she's the most important thing in his life and he wants a relationship with her, when she cracks the door open for him, he slams it closed and nails it shut. This has happened so many times. She decides to let him back in, and he does something stupid.
Though I have to say, she really is growing beautifully in her understanding of what he is and isn't capable of. Her expectations aren't nearly as high, and therefore her lows aren't nearly as low as they use to be. She's learning to accept that he loves her to the best of his ability. That counts for something, I guess.
She happened to be outside when he arrived. He was being dropped off by his latest "soulmate". A woman with whom he's now living. Not only is he still married, but he moved in with this woman within months of breaking dumped by his [I]other[I] soulmate. My husband collect One True Love's the way some people collect Hummel figurines.
Anyway, He awkwardly introduced my daughter to his loser girlfriend (Yeah. I said it.), and he and my daughter came inside. They didn't talk much during the game. I just though she was being rude because she had a friend over, and therefore didn't want to be downstairs with us. In fact she was really upset. Later I asked her what she thought would be appropriate for him, regarding dating. She said, "Get divorced and get sober, and then find a nice lady. In that order."
What never ceases to stun me is how, although he says she's the most important thing in his life and he wants a relationship with her, when she cracks the door open for him, he slams it closed and nails it shut. This has happened so many times. She decides to let him back in, and he does something stupid.
Though I have to say, she really is growing beautifully in her understanding of what he is and isn't capable of. Her expectations aren't nearly as high, and therefore her lows aren't nearly as low as they use to be. She's learning to accept that he loves her to the best of his ability. That counts for something, I guess.
Your daughter is very wise beyond her years. She recognizes just how dysfunctional the alcohol causes him to be. "Get divorced, get sober and find a nice lady". That shows you have truly done an amazing job with her.
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Thanks unsureoffuture. I'd love to take credit, but the only truly "amazing" thing I ever did was when I started taking her to Alanon at 14. There's no Alateen in our city. My home group meets during the day and is about 50% retired women. If she's wise beyond her years that might have something to do with it. It's pretty cute actually. My little punk rock daughter and all her middle aged Alanon buddies.
Hopeful4, I'm curious how upfront you were with your children regarding there father's issues. You seem to have children that are handling things relatively well. To what degree did you try and shield them from what their dad was doing?
My husband started going really wonky when my daughter was around eight. I kept it to myself until she was twelve or so, and then the dam burst. He just lied so much. She says she needs me to be honest about things regarding her father. She's tired of all of his secrets.
Hopeful4, I'm curious how upfront you were with your children regarding there father's issues. You seem to have children that are handling things relatively well. To what degree did you try and shield them from what their dad was doing?
My husband started going really wonky when my daughter was around eight. I kept it to myself until she was twelve or so, and then the dam burst. He just lied so much. She says she needs me to be honest about things regarding her father. She's tired of all of his secrets.
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Thank you all so much.
Meggie... my girls are 8 and 14.
SKarma....I am very up front and honest with them. In counseling i came to learn how much resentment they had bc i was covering up , even during times i was not. There came a time i said enough. I also needed to educate them for their own safety should he ever drink around them, hes really smart that way
My girls have went through alot. To top it off he was drinking at the restaurant. I dont tell my girls all the details, just enough that they realize what is what. My older dd said today that when he tries to talk to her about it she will just say its way too soon.
I will continue to pray and continue to try and be the best parent i can be.
I appreciate each and every one of you.
XXX
Meggie... my girls are 8 and 14.
SKarma....I am very up front and honest with them. In counseling i came to learn how much resentment they had bc i was covering up , even during times i was not. There came a time i said enough. I also needed to educate them for their own safety should he ever drink around them, hes really smart that way
My girls have went through alot. To top it off he was drinking at the restaurant. I dont tell my girls all the details, just enough that they realize what is what. My older dd said today that when he tries to talk to her about it she will just say its way too soon.
I will continue to pray and continue to try and be the best parent i can be.
I appreciate each and every one of you.
XXX
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Posts: 1,452
Hopeful4, you have a good head on your shoulders, and you are being honest with your kids, and that is what counts.
I had no idea other women had ex spouses choose new girlfriends with the same name. My first husband did that and my name is uncommon. His second wife had my name, and his third wife has my name minus one letter.
ShootingStar1
I had no idea other women had ex spouses choose new girlfriends with the same name. My first husband did that and my name is uncommon. His second wife had my name, and his third wife has my name minus one letter.
ShootingStar1
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