Mystimead

Hi There, I have posted on the ACOA board and really appreciate the advice and encouragement I received there.
I am just beginning the healing journey. It's funny or ironic how lost I feel right now. I can't even find the right words to describe what i am going through. I never even knew i had a problem. My life it seems has been filled with alcoholics from the time I came out of the womb. I am married to a person that doesn't drink at all. This is my second marriage. My first husband was a binge drinker with a drug problem. I never really dealt with the pain this caused me. It is now starting to surface.
The active alcoholic in my life is my mother and the reason I am posting. I have come to this point where I need to distance myself from her to gain clarity and perspective. I was honest with her and told her what i was doing and she thought I was being mean as she doesn't feel she has a problem. I have so much guilt for even telling my mom how I feel, and pulling away from her. In my family nobody every talks about "it" and my mom certainly can't see a problem. I don't understand why I feel guilty, but I go through guilt daily. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you!
Mysti...

best

Hello Mysti

Why the guilt? Because it is mom. We grow up being told to never question or talk back to Mom.
You stepped out on a limb to tell her what no one else had the courage to say. Don't let the guilt pull you back into a trap. Do what you need do to help yourself grow. Who knows? What you have shared with mom could become a planted seed that grows into her finding help for herself one day.

Morning Glory

Hi Mysti,

Here is a post that helped me identify some issues I had with my son. I had to work through a lot of guilt too. It is so much better now for both of us, even though he is still an active alcoholic. We still have a relationship that's a lot healthier than it was because of boundaries. I respect his and he is respecting mine now.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=4584

Magichappens

Mysti,
It was hard for me to take some of the reactions that people had to my recovery. I thought that since they loved me, they would be happy for me. But I realized that as I changed, my mom grew angry and upset. In doing family of origin work I realized that she was in the role of child, and I was expected to be the mom. Of course when I moved out of my role and into healthy detachment, she was confused and afraid. It would have been a lot harder for me to continue my recovery if I hadn't been going to Al-Anon meetings, and gotten a sponsor who is like a serogate mom to me. What I needed from my mom was love and encouragement, but she wasn't capable of that. I still need that, but today I can seek someone who is capable of it. Someone who can be happy that I am an individual, love me with all my flaws, and not expect me to be someone I'm not. Al-Anon has been a wonderful help to me in so many ways. Hugs, Magic

Mystimead

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice and encouragement. I feel like in my own way and in my own process I am healing. I had a conversation with my mom. Yes, many of her same issues came up but I handled them different and I feel so much better. With her usual poor judgment when she has been drinking, she told me about some things she had done (nothing out of the ordinary for her). This time I handled it different. I didn't rush out to give her advice and tell her what to do, and stress out about what the consequences in her life would be, and tell my husband all about it like I usually do. I just kept reminding myself, it is not my life. It is okay for her to make mistakes. I listened, but I didn't give her advice, and I didn't get angry at her. We had a much better conversation than we have in years, and I don't feel the usual guilt.
Morning Glory, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for that link. I believe that is going to be one of my life savers. Or at least a reminder to myself that I am not crazy (at least not all the time!) :bigeyes:
Magic, Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I am looking to be accepted for who I am and not how people expect me to be.
Best, Yes, most of the guilt is due to the fact that it is mom, and I have broken the code of silence in the family and the status quo. She most likely won't change but I sure will!
Thanks all!
Mysti...

2Sunshine

Mysti,

Good for you. You will get the hang of this--don't fear the range of emotions that you will go through coming into your new found awareness. It will sometimes feel strange to detach but know that that is normal and continue moving forward, as I can tell, you will. Isn't it wonderful to feel that your life has been saved? Here's to many more wonderful days of detachment and healthy boundaries.

2Sunshine